Newsroom

Los Angeles Times
Saturday, August 14, 2004
By Tina Daunt, Times Staff Writer

 

Manners Minded:
If you please, a parade of new behavior guides, led by relatives of Emily Post, shows the civil way to do it all, from dating to dialing.

Emily Post has a lot of company on the bookshelves these days, and it's quite a colorful crowd.

There's a man who calls himself Mr. Social Grace and a socialite known as the “Doyenne of Decorum.” There are the Etiquette Grrls and the Fabulous Girls, offering paperback guides on good behavior, with a dollop of sauciness. Even designer Kate Spade has joined the group, making her writing debut earlier this year with three advice volumes, one called simply “Manners.”

Not so long ago, etiquette books were ridiculed as a relic of a bygone era. Now, as society grows fed up with increasing rudeness, the remakes are everywhere. Even Emily Post's progeny are part of the trend— revisiting, re-imaging and reissuing great-grandmama's advice for a modern age.

“We live in a fast-paced, somewhat informal world, where people are just going, going, going,” says Peter Post, who made the bestseller list last year with his book, “Manners for Men.” “Rudeness begets stress, and stress begets rudeness.”

Who hasn't been irked by a cellphone conversation at their favorite restaurant? Or had someone not hold a door for them when their arms were full? Or been glared at by a salesperson who'd rather talk on the phone than help a customer?

People wear shorts to cocktail parties and spam their friends with e-mail. They gossip about co-workers and use foul language.

And now it has reached a tipping point. “People are craving a little civility,” Peter Post says.

Others say the return of etiquette is a rebellion against, well, rebellion. During the '60s, a philosophy of “do your own thing” and “live and let live” took hold, freeing people from what they viewed as stodgy structures but leaving them largely unprepared for formal interactions.

Now, as we are living in ever closer proximity to each other and as new technologies change the rules of communication, people are finding themselves caught in awkward situations grappling for the proper response.

“The rules may be changing so fast that we don't know what they are anymore,” says etiquette scholar Kerry Ferris, an assistant professor of sociology at Bradley University in Peoria, Ill. “Sometimes we need them spelled out for us. Rules make us feel secure.”

To satisfy that demand, more than 100 titles—most of them published within the last five years—can be found on Amazon.com. Universe Publishing reprinted two children's books from 1936 and 1947—“Manners Can Be Fun” and “How to Behave and Why.” Tiffany's has issued a guide on table manners for teenagers, and Town & Country magazine has put together a compilation of essays on “civility in a changing society” called “Social Graces.”

The most recent “Emily Post's Etiquette”—the 16th edition—has outsold its predecessor 2 to 1. A new version, updated by Emily Post's great-granddaughter-in-law, Peggy Post, is due out in October.

The resurgence of the guides seems to stem as much from a desire to know what's expected in a given situation as a desire for those around us to shape up.

A survey conducted by the nonprofit think tank Public Agenda found that society is clearly concerned about etiquette issues. While preparing the 2002 report, called “Rudeness in America,” the group discovered that 81% of Americans were convinced that people are less considerate than they were 20 years ago.

“There is a feeling that we are losing a little bit of what makes communities work, if we don't pay a little more attention to courtesy,” says Jean Johnson, vice president of Public Agenda. “We are so rushed and so crowded that we have lost the time to be considerate and polite.

“Maybe this isn't the most important thing in the world, it's not a matter of life and death, but it really bothers people.”

Melissa Estabrook, 30, says she and her fiance bought three etiquette books this year—Peter Post's book for men, Tiffany's “Table Manners for Teenagers” and “New Manners for New Times” by Letitia Baldrige.

“I never learned formal etiquette when I was growing up,” says Estabrook, who works at Pasadena's Anthropologie store—where nearly a dozen etiquette books are for sale amid racks of vintage-inspired skirts and blouses. “I just wanted to have the basic knowledge for the time when I need to use it.”

Spade, whose classic-style handbags have made her a favorite among young women, says people are searching for ways “to navigate through our hectic lives with a bit more ease.”

“The way we interact and communicate is constantly evolving, and it can get tricky,” Spade says. “The specific guidelines from one generation to another may evolve and change, so it helps to have a modern perspective.”

Although times have changed since Emily Post first wrote her book in 1922, the Posts say the underlying principles of good manners have stayed the same.

“Etiquette is not about social climbing or social status,” great-grandson Peter says. “It's really not about what fork to use. It's about you and I having a great interaction when we're together. It's about treating people with consideration, respect and honesty.”

Working with Cindy Post Senning, another great-grandchild, Peter and Peggy have reinvigorated Emily Post's Institute for Etiquette, founded in the 1920s when American culture was undergoing a major shift with the arrival of new immigrants and the changing role of women.

Manners books were considered required reading during the 1940s and 1950s. Parents often gave their daughters an etiquette book as a high school graduation gift. But that tradition ended in the 1960s, a time when such a gift would have been termed uncool.

“Etiquette really does have a pendulum kind of swing to it over the years,” Peggy Post says. “It was swinging the other way in the '60s and '70s. Now it's swinging back.”

She says she first noticed a renewed interest in manners books in the late 1990s when she went on tour for the 16th edition of Emily's classic manners guide.

“Everywhere I went, people had questions,” Peggy Post says. “I've spoken to teens and young adults. They are definitely thinking about this topic. They seem to get it that etiquette isn't about being stuffy; it's more about treating people with respect.”

Peggy (who is Peter's sister-in-law) has assumed the role once held by Emily, who died in 1960. Her updated version of the old tome will address many new topics, including road rage (never make an obscene gesture), e-mail etiquette (keep it short and sweet) and same-sex marriages (guest etiquette is the same as for a traditional wedding celebration).

The Posts have more books in the works, including an etiquette guide for children and a book for couples. This is the busiest Emily Post's etiquette institute has ever been, with all three family members active on the lecture circuit. “We did some serious study to determine our audience,” Peter says. “We found that there was a much broader base than we thought. There were people from all kinds of age groups and categories that we could talk to.”

In December, Peter gave a class on manners at MIT's “Charm School,” a special program to teach students about business etiquette. “I figured I would be talking to six students,” he says. “I was talking to 50 or 60 of them.”

As the Posts carry on the family legacy, they are finding the space a bit crowded in the bookstores. Other authors include longtime etiquette experts like Miss Manners, a.k.a. Judith Martin, but many are newcomers who are winging it with their own guidelines for getting along. The advice is far from elaborate or complicated. Often, it's irreverent. Some of it is ridiculous.

“Manners will make you fabulous,” Canadians Kim Izzo and Ceri Marsh write in their book, “The Fabulous Girl's Guide to Decorum.” “Manners are sexy. The well-mannered get invited to more dinner parties and have a wider array of friends and colleagues who admire them.”

And it's not just about writing the perfect thank-you note and setting a proper table. According to the book, young women need to know how to handle a fair-weather friend (politely tell her you're really busy), how to buy your first home and how to be a gracious guest (always remember to bring the host or hostess a gift. The best choice is a bottle of wine).

Attack on the tacky

Etiquette GRRLS Lesley Carlin and Honore McDonough Ervin—classmates from Massachusetts— infused their book with prep-school properness. “It is indeed a tacky, rude world which we inhabit,” they write in their first book, “Things You Need to Be Told.” “We, the Etiquette Grrls, have decided that things are simply getting out of hand and thus we have taken it upon ourselves to ... provide you, our esteemed peers, with a helpful guide.”

Like vintage etiquette guides, their books cover good behavior and appearance—but with a definite edge. “We must band together in order to vanquish our common foe, the inappropriately casual dresser,” the women write. They list two-dozen clothing no-no's, including tube tops, white shoes, flip-flops and anything made of polyester knit.

Mr. Social Grace—Charles Purdy of San Francisco—gives readers a short history lesson in his book, “Urban Etiquette.” “The past four decades have seen a major cultural revolution in the United States,” writes Purdy, who answers etiquette questions in the San Francisco Weekly's “Social Grace” advice column. “We've made drastic changes in the way we deal with other people. Some of these changes were for the better, but many were for the worse.

“True, we began to do away with a lot of societal ills—racism, sexism, classism, and so on—but at the same time, we wrongly began to get rid of a lot of good manners too.

“In researching the issues, Marsh says she discovered that many young adults did not learn the rules of etiquette from their baby boomer parents.

“Obviously, society has shifted hugely since the 1960s, when everything was about 'me, me, me,' ” says Marsh, 36. “Maybe the world works better when we're considerate. We're traveling more. We're living in multicultural cities. It's important to be gracious. But that doesn't mean you have to be a priss.”

Marsh and Izzo decided to write their “Guide to Decorum” several years ago after a number of rude encounters, like the time a friend showed up at a cocktail party wearing a tattered old T-shirt. Their second book, “The Fabulous Girl's Guide to Grace Under Pressure,” was published in June. That book deals with “extreme etiquette” for difficult situations, like bumping into an ex-boyfriend with his new girlfriend (you must pretend you are looking your best and act accordingly).

Spade's book urges people to dress appropriately, say “please” and “thank you” and to watch their tone. “The backbone of manners is always common sense,” Spade says. “It is about treating people well and making them feel at ease. It is important to be sensitive to the situation and the people around you.”

At the Anthropologie store in Pasadena, customers lounge on the store's oversized couches and flip through the books. “It's all about the common courtesy and common kindness,” says Danielle DeSilva, 23, a sales associate. “It's good to have those books to remind us of that.”

Contemporary social graces

The new etiquette books on the market deal with some issues their predecessors never had to, such as e-mail and cellphone manners; they also update the advice for common social settings.

Here's a sampling of some of the advice:

Cellphones
According to Peggy Post, cellphone etiquette is still evolving and, like most manners, it's situational.

“No matter where you make or take a call—in an airport waiting area, a theater, a meeting room, a train or bus or a house of worship—virtually all situations call for you to avoid being intrusive, especially in public places,” she writes in her new book, “Emily Post's Etiquette, 17th Edition,” due out in October.

She also suggests that people turn off their phones in restaurants and don't make calls at the table. “If you must call, excuse yourself and go to the vestibule or outside.”

Other cellphone tips:

• Speak as quietly as you can.
• Turn off the ringer. Switch to the vibrating mode and check your caller ID or capture your messages via voicemail.
• Keep calls as short as possible; the longer the call, the greater the irritation to those who are forced to listen.

E-mail etiquette
Charlotte Ford suggests in her book, “21st Century Etiquette,” that people watch their tone when sending e-mails.

“Keep aware that, particularly with someone you don't interact with regularly, tone can easily be misinterpreted over e-mail,” Ford writes. “Without the receiver's ability to identify the inflection of your voice, facial expressions or body language, messages have a greater chance of being questioned and overanalyzed.”

Other no-no's, according to Ford:

• Don't continue to e-mail the person of an unreturned message.
• Don't gossip (especially about the boss).
• Don't pass along off-color jokes or offensive language.
• Don't abuse personal e-mailing.
• Don't feel obligated to open ”junk” e-mail.
• Don't use e-mail to discuss personal or interoffice complaints.

Smoking, then and now
According to the 1941 book, “New American Etiquette,” nonsmokers were told that they must learn to put up gracefully with those who smoke, “otherwise they must retire from social activities.” “Smokers far outnumber nonsmokers in every type of community, in every class of society and in both sexes,” according to the book. “The young man or young woman who does not smoke is a rarity.... If [a hostess] will not let her guest smoke in whatever part of the house they happen to be in, she will not have many guests—either men or women.”

In today's etiquette books, smokers are told that the once rhetorical question “Do you mind if I smoke?” is a requirement, not a polite gesture, especially since laws give the nonsmoker more rights than the smoker.

“Smokers should be accustomed to having a cigarette only in designated smoking zones,” according to Charlotte Ford. “However, smokers should not submit to the righteous harangue of a smugly superior nonsmoker if the smoker is in a legally permitted place.

Etiquette Grrls Lesley Carlin and Honore McDonough Ervin, authors of “Things You Need to Be Told,” believe that smokers should be allowed to light up at parties. “Many people feel that drinking and smoking go hand-in-hand, and if they are not permitted to smoke, they are unlikely to stay at your party for a very long time.”

© Copyright 2004 Los Angeles Times

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