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What Would Emily Do (WWED)?“Best Question” Archive 2004For the week of June 28, 2004 Q. We had a 50th wedding anniversary party and stated on the invitation "Guests of Honor Request No Gifts Please." We received mail notification that some of the guests had made charitable donations in our honor, and, of course, we are sending them thank you notes. At the party, other guest gave us anniversary cards without gifts. Should we send them thank you notes simply for attending the party? A. You may, but it is not required that you do so. It is nice to remember who gave you cards, though, so you may thank them the next time your speak with or see them. Happy Anniversary! For the week of June 21, 2004 Q. Do you open wedding gifts as they arrive and send out thank you notes, or do you keep the gifts unopened until the wedding day and open them all at once? The wedding is still six weeks away and we have received several gifts in the mail. A few of the gift senders have emailed me to confirm I received the gifts. I feel a bit awkward about when I'm supposed to open them and send out thank you notes. A. You open your gifts as they arrive! That is part of the fun of the weeks before the wedding, and you write your notes as you open—if you can—both to let the senders know you have received their gifts, and to keep up with your note writing so it isn't a huge burden after the wedding. Best wishes. For the week of June 14, 2004 Q. I recently attended a party with my mother-in-law. There was a woman there with a young baby and an adult child. My mother-in-law started a conversation with this woman and then proceeded to ask her if her children had the same father. When we left the party I told my mother-in-law I couldn't believe she would ask a woman she had never met before such a rude question. She told me she didn't think it was rude at all. I say she was way out of line. I guess I will let you be the judge. A. It was a personal question. Not necessarily a rude one, but too personal to ask of a stranger. Part of conversation is keeping it general and not asking personal questions, such as this one, or those having to do with how much things cost, or whether someone's hair color is natural. For the week of June 7, 2004 Q. I am a widow marrying a widower. I am not a professional, but plan to keep my name after marriage in order to avoid the many name changes on investments, social security, driver's license, bank accounts, etc. Can I continue to use my name for all legal purposes, but use my new husband's name for all social purposes, or will this be too confusing? A. Many women use one name for professional and legal purposes and another socially. A widow has two options when she remarries. She may simply retain her first married last name as a middle name and take her new husband's last name as her last name, or she may use her new husband's last name with her maiden name as her middle name. You could use either of the options mentioned her for your social name. For the week of May 31, 2004 Q. I recently had a baby and had planned on sending announcements. However, eight weeks have already passed. Is it too late to send mailed announcements (I have already sent an electronic announcement)? If someone has already sent a gift (although I know this is not the reason you send an announcement!), is it still appropriate to send them an announcement? What is the correct protocol? A. It is not too late to send your announcements, but if you have already sent electronic ones, you would not repeat the announcement with a mailed one. One announcement per household is all you should send. You do not send announcements to those who already know your happy news and who have already sent a gift. For the week of May 24, 2004 Q. Is a man that is divorced, getting married for the second time, considered a bachelor? A. Yes. Often a divorced man is thought of as an eligible bachelor. For the week of May 17, 2004 Q. When can you start wearing white shoes—Easter or Memorial Day? A. White can be worn 365 days a year. The old rule about wearing white only between Memorial Day and Labor Day is a thing of the past. For the week of May 10, 2004 Q. What is the correct salutation for a widow? A. A widow is addressed as Mrs. John Doe. By her choice, she may be Ms. Ann Doe, and now she can even be Mrs. Ann Doe. The latter used to be reserved for divorcees. However, that is her choice. In the meantime, it is most correct to address an invitation to Mrs. John Doe. For the week of May 3, 2004 Q. Is it proper to give a baby shower for a second baby? Some say that baby showers should only be given for the first born. A. It is all right to have a baby shower for a second or third baby, as long as the guest list is comprised of guests who did not attend a shower for the first (and/or second) baby, with the exception of close friends and family members who would be upset not to be there. For the week of April 26, 2004 Q. Is it appropriate to ask for money to be used to purchase a home as a wedding present? A. You may not ask for money in writing on your invitation. You can, however, use the word-of-mouth system for letting people know your preference. Tell your parents, attendants and a few close relatives that if anyone asks them, they may tell them that your most appreciated gift would be money. You may also say that to people who ask you directly. For the week of April 19, 2004 Q. When addressing a letter to a married couple, which name should be stated first, the husband's or wife's? A. It makes no difference at all. Either name may be first. For the week of April 12, 2004 Q. I am having a baby shower, on the invitation it states to RSVP by a certain date. However, that date has passed and some people seem to misunderstand RSVP to mean call only if you are coming. My understanding is that regardless you should still call. Is so, should I be calling the individuals who have not responded? And what does RSVP really mean? A. R.S.V.P. is the abbreviation for the French respondez s'il vous plait—please respond—whether you are attending or not. You will need to call anyone who has not responded and ask whether they are attending. It is not rude for you to do this, rather it is rude for them not to reply. For the week of April 5, 2004 Q. What is the proper way to address an envelope to a Pastor and his wife/family? A. The Reverend and Mrs. James Smith and Family. For the week of March 29, 2004 Q. Is there a set number of how many baby showers are customary for one person? A. No, there is no set number, but no guest should be invited to more than one. For the week of March 22, 2004 Q. Are you responsible for bringing a gift for a baby's baptism? A. A Christening of Baptism gift is expected when you are invited to the ceremony and/or party afterward. The gift does not need to be religious in nature—a number of items are perfectly appropriate, but whatever the gift the card accompanying it should be specifically a Christening or Baptism card. For the week of March 15, 2004 Q. What exactly does "black tie optional" mean? A. It means that a man may wear either a tuxedo or a dark suit, shirt and tie. For the week of March 8, 2004 Q. On several occasions I have received invitations to baby showers that are thousands of miles away. I am certain that the people inviting me know that I cannot afford to fly to the event. Is it in poor taste to send an invitation to someone who cannot possibly attend the shower? A. Yes, although the intent is usually honorable. Many letters come to me here from hostesses who feel they don't want anyone to feel “left out” by not being invited, so they send invitations to ensure that no one is hurt by not being invited. This, of course, is ridiculous, since most recipients are indeed resentful and also feel they must then send a gift. Therefore, don't be too critical, for the intent is honorable, and don't feel the least bit obligated to send a gift. For the week of February 16, 2004 Q. I just received a large box of all my wedding invitation items. I really wish I had the etiquette tips for how to put everything together—the correct way for assembling them to send out. Any suggestions? A. The invitation is covered by the tissue paper. The reception invitation, if separate from the wedding invitation, is placed on top of the tissue. The response card is placed under the flap of, but not inside of, the response envelope. Other insertions are placed in front of the response card. All insertions are placed in the middle of a fold-over invitation, and in front of a single card invitation. All items are placed in the envelope facing the flap. Best wishes! For the week of February 9, 2004 Q. I know back in the day, it was bad manners for a man to wear a hat (baseball cap) to the table. My grown sons wear them all the time and my husband is forever getting upset if they wear their hats to the table. If we have a formal dinner, such as holidays, they always remove them. Is it now acceptable for them to wear their hats to the table for casual meals? A. No, it is not. Basically, hats are removed when going indoors as a measure of respect. Therefore, caps and hats should be removed when entering a home (which includes while eating at the table), when entering a place of religion, or when going to a restaurant. When entering a store or other "public area" like a train station, the hat or cap may remain on. This applies to baseball caps worn by men or women. Hats and caps are always removed for the Pledge of Allegiance or the National Anthem. Women's hats that are part of their ensembles and therefore fashion accessories may be worn indoors, including at a restaurant table, etc. If they are large-brimmed, they should be removed in a theater or other place where they block the vision of the person behind. Aside from garden parties and formal teas where hats are often left on, women generally remove their hats when dinning in someone's home. The guidelines for wearing of hats by men and women are still an important part of our manners today. Hat traditions and manners may have originated in medieval times when knights lifted their face guard to show who they were, or in the days of the cowboys when a hat was lifted and removed to show there was no weapon hidden underneath. It became a sign of respect to others that has always remained. For the week of February 2, 2004 Q. An interesting debate came up over the Christmas meal this year. Which shaker is used for salt and which for pepper (one of the shakers has more holes than the other)? A. Usually the shaker with the larger holes is for salt because salt crystals are bigger and salt is used more liberally. If they are identical, then obviously it doesn't matter. If one has more holes than the other, but the holes are the same size, then again, salt rules because it is used more often and more liberally than pepper. For the week of January 26, 2004 Q. Please help! Should a thank you note be sent for hostess gifts? A. No, if the gifts are brought to a party. However, it is nice to call the next day or day after and thank the giver of the gift for being there, and then for his/her gift. Yes, if the gifts are mailed or shipped, so that the sender knows that the gift/s are received and appreciated. For the week of January 19, 2004 Q. My son and future daughter-in-law are planning their wedding. They have decided not to invite anyone under 13 years of age. This will be a formal, night affair. My husband disagrees, as this would leave out two of his nephews. He wants to say something to our son. I believe it is not our business, and we should not interfere. If they invite these two nephews, then they would have to invite all the little kids in both families. The bride and groom want an adult wedding. Should my husband butt out, as I told him, or risk causing hard feelings by stating his opinion? A. This is always difficult, but when there is an age cut-off, it is best to abide by it. You are right—other family members would be upset if their children weren't included when others were. The only way this can work is if they are the only nephews and all other children are second cousins or farther removed from nephew/niece status. This is more acceptable because it is clear that there is both an age and a relationship line drawn. For the week of January 12, 2004 Q. Is it proper etiquette to call someone and invite yourself over to their home for a visit? The visit would not be an overnight stay. A. It is best to ask if it is all right if you stop by, rather than simply say "I'm coming over," but it is fine to inquire if it would be convenient. Your potential host then has every right to say "of course!" or "I'm sorry—we are going out shortly and this isn't a good time—how about [whenever]." For the week of January 5, 2004 Q. My son received a Christmas bonus from the company he works for. Should he write a thank you note to the owner of the company? A. Yes. The bonus is a gift and a sign of appreciation and it is good policy to express thanks. A simple letter that says words to the effect of "Thank you very much for the bonus. I appreciate it and the opportunity to continue to be a part of XYZ Company. I wish you and your family a 2004 of health and happiness."
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