What Would Emily Do (WWED)?
For the week of September 24, 2007
Q. We were at a restaurant for my 50th birthday. We were seated at the table when my son and his girlfriend arrived 10 minutes late. Within five minutes of sitting down, she text messaged her father to tell him where she was. I told my son the next day that I thought it was rude that she texted her Dad at the table. He said it wasn't rude, that I must be out of touch with manners, but I thought it was very rude. Can you help me out here and tell me what good manners are when you are out at a restaurant or anywhere at dinner?
A. We agree with you. If your son's girlfriend needed to text message her father, she should have excused herself from the table and have done so in the restroom, lounge, or entryway. When at a restaurant, a considerate diner will turn off his or her cell phone or PDA. If he or she is expecting an important call or text message, the device should be put on vibrate, and the rest of the party alerted: “I’m sorry, but I may have to take a call during dinner.” If the call comes through, the person excuses him or herself from the table and takes the call or responds to the message in private. Not doing so gives the impression that the other diners are of lesser importance.
For the week of September 8, 2007
Q. A gentleman at lunch asked for a black cloth napkin to replace his white cloth napkin that was at the table setting. The waiter asked the other table occupants if they would also like black napkins. One said yes. Why?
A. We have heard of this new trend at some restaurants.
If the man was wearing dark pants, perhaps as part of a business suit, it's likely he didn't want the possible "fuzz" from a white napkin to get on his dark pants. A black napkin removes that possibility entirely. It was perfectly correct for the first gentleman to request a black napkin and it was fine for his lunch companions to either accept or decline the waiter's offer of additional black napkins for the table.
For the week of August 6, 2007
Q. I am hosting a friend's birthday party, and in the invitations I said that I would be making the birthday cake, as I'm throwing the party in my home. It's a small guest list--only about nine or ten people--and I just found out that one of the guests has also decided to make a cake. I think it's a little rude. Am I overreacting?
A. We agree it does seem to be an imposition for a guest to bring a second birthday cake. As the host, you may graciously accept it and tell the giver that you've already baked the cake for the party, but you'll send the second cake home with the birthday-person to extend the celebration.
For the week of July 16, 2007
Q. My husband and I have a baptism to attend for our friend's daughter. Is it expected to bring a gift and, if so, what are some gift ideas for a baptism?
A. A Christening or Baptism gift is expected when you are invited to the ceremony and/or a party afterward. The gift does not need to be religious in nature -- it may be a book, clothing, a toy, a blanket, a spoon or cup -- any number of items are perfectly appropriate. Whatever the gift, the card accompanying it should be specifically a Christening or Baptism card.
For the week of June 11, 2007
Q. If you are invited to a dinner or event and asked to bring a dish to help out, do you still bring a hostess gift? I know it's thoughtful but if you spend a good amount on the food item, sometimes it seems like a lot of cash to put out for an event.
A. No, your contribution to the meal could be considered a hostess gift. Of course, you could also bring a small hostess gift, but it's your choice.
For the week of May 14, 2007
Q. How do we reply using a response card that reads as follows:
M___________________________
_____accepts with pleasure
_____declines with regret
When addressed to 2 people and the response choices are listed in the plural, what do you write in the line? Also, my husband is a physician.....I assume we use the M, but again, how do we fill in the line?
A. If you were invited as a couple, then the reply card is returned with your names listed as a couple. Guests without special titles would continue the line after the "M" with
"Dr. James Smith"
or for a couple:
"Dr. and Mrs. James Smith"
In this case, as the your husband is a doctor, you would write on the line after the "M":
Dr. and Mrs. James Smith
Simply put a line through the "M", and place a check mark on the line next to the appropriate response for your attendance
For the week of April 23, 2007
Q. Does the officiant of a marriage receive an invitation to the reception?
A. Yes, the person who performs the ceremony, and his or her spouse/partner, if applicable, must be invited to the reception.
For the week of April 9, 2007
Q. I will be meeting my boyfriend’s mother for the first time next month. What would be an appropriate gift to give her?
A. If your boyfriend's mother is hosting you for a meal or visit, you could bring a traditional hostess gift, such as flowers, a flowering plant, a bottle of wine or other liquor, a box of chocolates or other candy. If your visit falls around a holiday they celebrate, a related holiday decoration would also be considerate. You might also bring something for their breakfast the next day if you are staying overnight, like a collection of jams or jellies for toast, pancake mix and maple syrup, or bagels and cream cheese. You would not, however, take anything you would expect them to serve at dinner or a party the night of your visit.
For the week of March 26, 2007
Q. My boss believes that mentioning money is always tacky. I'm charged with reviewing letters of congratulation from the head of our organization to staff members who have won awards. Some of the awards include a monetary award. My boss doesn't want to mention the monetary amount in the letters of congratulation. In the past, we've included a card with the letter that tells the employee the amount of their award. As a practical matter, the employee needs to know the amount of the award because it will show up in his paycheck. I think, why not just briefly mention the money in the letter and forget the extra card? Isn't mentioning money okay in business contexts?
A. Since the award is money, it would be appropriate to mention the amount in a letter to the recipient. The point here, however, is that your boss has strong feelings on this subject and they should be respected. His way of writing a letter of congratulation and including a card that lists the amount of the award is both tasteful and elegant and makes a very nice presentation to the recipient. Our advice: Do it his way.
For the week of March 18, 2007
Q. Is it bad etiquette to plug in your cell phone or laptop into an outlet if you are (a) waiting in a hotel lobby and are sitting next to an outlet; (b) sitting at a table against a wall in a restaurant or a coffee shop and an outlet is right at your feet or nearby; (c) at somebody's home for a social occasion but have no more juice in your cell or laptop which you might need on the way home?
A. This is a great question that addresses some new areas of etiquette. The answers to these new questions can be based on the principles of honesty, consideration, and respect, which underlie good behavior and social relations. It would be fine to charge a phone or computer in a public place of business like a hotel lobby or airport terminal, where many people are working and often do the same. It would also be appropriate in a coffee shop where computers are often a part of the culture. One might want to be more discreet and wait for a better time when in a restaurant where people pay for and expect a certain dining environment. When visiting someone's home the circumstances may vary enough that a single guideline would be difficult to follow. Probably the best course of action would be to ask your host if there is anywhere that might be a good or out of the way place to plug in.
For the week of March 12, 2007
Q. I have a question about the etiquette of generational titles. If there is a junior and the senior dies, does the junior still use this title? What if there are several generational titles?
A. A man with the same name as his father uses "Jr." after his name as long as his father is alive. He may drop the "Jr." after his father's death, or if her prefers, he may retain it in order not to be confused with his late father. When a man is named after his father, who is a "Jr.", he is called 3rd or III. A man named after his grandfather, uncle or cousin is called 2nd or II. We hope this addresses your question!
For the week of March 5, 2007
Q. I wonder if you could advise the best way of stopping a new behavior that a new work associate has of kissing me before meetings. It has happened only a couple of times but I feel very uncomfortable about it and don’t know the most polite way to say no thanks. This has been the case from both a lady and gentleman.
A. Kisses on the cheek are better left to social situations. In business, men and women executives should refrain from kissing in public, since even a peck on the cheek can be misconstrued. The occasional peck on the cheek is the exception when the parties know each other well, especially when they greet each other at a quasi-social event like a convention.
If this behavior makes you uncomfortable, it's best to speak up right away. You should speak to the people who demonstrate this behavior privately (separately), and tell them respectfully and with consideration that you'd prefer not to be greeted that way in the workplace. If you feel uncomfortable having that conversation, you could speak with an HR representative or your supervisor, who should be able to support you in this issue.
For the week of February 26, 2007
Q. Is it proper etiquette to give a surgeon a gift? I have been working with one for a year and have had two surgeries, and I wasn't sure how to show my appreciation.
A. While professionals aren't given gifts for services rendered, there are occasions when a patient or client wants to express special thanks for extraordinary consideration -- for example, a doctor who made house calls to care for a sick child. In such cases any of these gifts are appropriate: a food specialty, such as homemade cheesecake or a deluxe box of cookies; an accessory to a favorite sport (such as golf or tennis balls); a bottle of wine or spirits; or a gift certificate for two to an area restaurant.
For the week of February 19, 2007
Q. What is the correct name to address mail to a widow?
A. It's nice of you to want to get this right.
You would use "Mrs. John Kelly." If you don't know the widow's preference, this is the traditional and preferred form.
Some widows prefer "Mrs. Jane Kelly" or "Ms. Jane Kelly" but use the traditional option if you're not sure.
For the week of February 12, 2007
Q. I will be getting married this year and have a question on my bridesmaids' attire.
Is there a reason why bridesmaids must wear dresses or skirts? I was thinking that it might be fun and different to have them wear very nice crepe-type pants with a fabric sash belt and a very feminine top. Heels, of course, would be a must to keep the look very feminine.
A. While most brides select gowns or dresses for their bridesmaids, there is no rule set in stone that this is what must happen. And at some casual or theme weddings, the traditional ideas of attire are tossed to the side! What you describe sounds perfectly appropriate.
We advise you to plan the wedding you and the groom envision, and of course take into account your bridesmaids' comfort level with the style of attire you ask them to wear.
For the week of February 5, 2007
Q. How do you tell a co-worker that she has an odor?
A. The person closest to the offender has to take her aside where no one can overhear and say words to the effect of, "Jane, if I had a problem of some sort I would want someone to tell me. I'm hoping you feel the same way, because I wanted to share something with you. I don't want you to be embarrassed or worry about it, but I'm sure you don't realize that lately you have had a pretty strong body odor and it is noticeable. It could be something medical, or even some product you are using, but it is not pleasant. I wanted you to know because you are so terrific that I'd hate for something like this to detract from who you are." The brave person saying all this then should smile and have something ready to change the subject in order to enable them to part without awkwardness: "By the way, do you have a copy of the vacation schedule anywhere? I've lost mine and need to do some planning." It isn't easy, but it is a kindness, and the truth is we all would appreciate someone letting us know if we were offending others.
For the week of January 29, 2007
Q. What is the customary tip for a hairdresser who is self-employed? She is not the owner of a salon, but rents a station and keeps all profits. I had been taught to tip 10-15% to hairdressers employed by a salon, and to exclude the owner. I would appreciate an update.
A. As you noted, the situation is somewhat unique, so we advise that you simply ask the salon receptionist about the salon's tipping policies. They answer this question all the time, as different employees have different arrangements with the salon owner. You could also ask the stylist herself if she accepts tips. If she does, then the tipping norm is 15%.
For the week of January 22, 2007
Q. As a godmother, am I responsible for paying for or hosting a brunch after the baptism? I understand the religious responsibilities, and of course the christening gown for the day, but I was wondering if the godparents are responsible for the celebration following the religious ceremony? Please help!
A. What an honor to be asked to be a Godmother.
The Godfather and the Godmother have no financial responsibilities for the baptism. They also have no obligations to give financial assistance or to adopt children who lose their parents. This responsibility is the guardian's, not the Godparent's. Their actual obligation is spiritual only.
Godparents are not expected to be on-call babysitters or to finance any aspect of their Godchild's life. If they are close to the family, they usually do remember the child's birthdays and celebrate important milestones, but that's it.
The baby's Christening dress is provided by the parents, not by the Godparents. They do not pay for a party after the Christening or Baptism.
They do give a gift to the baby at the time of the ceremony, usually at the luncheon or party afterward. The gift might be an engraved cup, a savings bond, a gold cross—if it is a girl—to be worn when she is older, or a Baptism keepsake, but the gift does not need to be religious in nature: it may be a book, clothing, a toy, a blanket, a spoon or cup. Any number of items are perfectly appropriate. Whatever the gift, the card accompanying it should be specifically a Christening or Baptism card.
For the week of January 15, 2007
Q. Now that 2007 has arrived, I find that people are still saying "Happy New Year" when they greet others.
When are you supposed to stop saying Happy New Year?
A. It's not improper to continue wishing people a Happy New Year, but after the first week or two in January, it may seem a bit odd as the year doesn't seem so new!
For the week of January 8, 2007
Q. My parents are in the process of getting a divorce. They separated on June 4, 2006 and the divorce is not close to being complete. My mother started dating a man in October and she is insisting that he is coming to my wedding on May 18. I am not clear as to what is proper in this situation so I am turning to you for advice. Should he be invited to my wedding?
A. Best wishes to you and your fiancé on your upcoming wedding!
If your parents are separated but not divorced, then your parents are still married. It would seem very unusual for your mother to bring a date to her daughter's wedding when she is still, in fact, married to your father.
This is something you will have to discuss once again with your mother. Explain that your wedding is not the time or the place for her to publicly introduce another man to the family or to friends, as that would detract from what should be the focus of the event: your wedding ceremony.
That said, if your mother is not to be persuaded, you still need to consider your long-term relationship with her, and whether it is better to remain firm or to acquiesce.
In any case, since your parents are separated, here are some other tips: They should not be seated together at the ceremony. Your mother sits in the front row and your father should sit two or three rows back. They do not stand together in a receiving line if you have one (again, your mother would be first) nor do they sit at the same table at the reception. If your mother brings a "date" then he is seated with the rest of the guests, not in the honor pews as she is neither married nor engaged to him.
We wish you the best of luck with this difficult situation.
For the week of January 1, 2007
Q. Is it proper to put lipstick on while at the table after a meal at a restaurant?
A. It is okay to apply lipstick if it doesn't involve gazing into a mirror, using a lip liner, or making a production out of it. A quick application that is over almost before it began is fine. Anything more should be taken care of in the ladies room.
