What Would Emily Do (WWED)?
Question for the week of September 22, 2008
Q. When should we send our rehearsal dinner invitations to guests?
A. Rehearsal dinner invitations should be sent any time after the wedding invitations have been sent. Ideally, they should be sent at least three weeks before the rehearsal dinner to give guests time to plan.
Question for the week of September 15, 2008
Q. Is it appropriate to bring a gift for a new mother and baby to the hospital or is it best to take it to their home after they have returned from the hospital? Also, is it best to send something to the hospital instead of bringing a gift personally? I really want to get this right.
A. All of your suggestions are fine. If you are a close friend or family member and will visit at the hospital, then it is fine to take a gift with you, or flowers for the mom and baby. If your relationship isn’t quite that close you can always send a gift to the home. You may bring the gift when you visit at the home, but you should make sure it’s a good time to stop by before coming over.
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Question for the week of September 1, 2008
Q. If the chef/owner from a restaurant that you frequent surprises you with dinner on the house, what is the appropriate amount to leave as a tip?
A. When treated to a meal, you may tip at 18% to 20% of the approximate cost of the meal.
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Question for the week of August 25, 2008
Q. I am inviting people to a birthday party at a country club and want the guests to pay for their own dinner. There are three dinner choices printed on the invitation. How do I let my guests know they need to pay for their own dinner? Should I write something on the invitations?
A. It's best not to ask guests to pay their own way. If you are having a party for your parents, spouse, friend, etc., you are the host and are expected to pick up the tab for your guests. Just as you wouldn't charge them to attend a party in your home, you wouldn't charge them to attend a party out of your home.
If a group of friends were giving the party, it would be acceptable for the invitations to say, "We're all getting together to celebrate John's birthday at Restaurant X. It will be about $50 per person. We hope you can come," with an R.S.V.P.
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Question for the week of August 18, 2008
Q. Should a host open a bottle of wine that her guest has brought as a hostess gift? I say yes, but a friend said she was told it was “a gift for later.” Which is correct?
A. When a guest brings a host a gift of wine or food, the host does not need to open or put out the gift for guests to enjoy immediately. The reason for this is that the host may have already paired wine with the meal, or if chocolates were brought, the host may have already prepared a dessert. The host may simply accept the gift with many thanks, and put it away or to the side for the evening.
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Question for the week of August 12, 2008
Q. If my daughter has a wedding date set and another member of our family or one of their close friends also wants to set a date for their wedding, what is the proper amount of time that should be between the two dates?
A. Since it’s within the family, it would be considerate for the couples to communicate about their dates in an effort to make each event special. It’s also considerate for the couples to consider family members who will be traveling to both weddings and will have to take vacation time and such. That being said, it really doesn’t matter how far apart the weddings are, technically they could be the same weekend! The fact is the families will have to figure out a way to travel for each regardless of whether the weddings are a day, a month, or three months apart. In the end it’s up to each couple to simply set the date they choose.
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Question for the week of August 4, 2008
Q. Where should the dinner napkin be placed if you excuse yourself from the table during a meal?
A. If you leave the table during a meal, you should place your napkin to the left of your place setting. If you were to place it on your chair you might forget when you return and sit on a soiled napkin. This probably wouldn’t be good for either you or the chair. But, if there is absolutely no room because the table settings are so close together, you may lay it on your chair.
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Question for the week of July 28, 2008
Q. I have been under the impression that hosting your own birthday party is not proper, as it seems self-serving. A friend of mine says just the opposite; she feels it is unfair to place the details and time that goes into planning a birthday party on the shoulders of a friend or family member. Who should host a birthday party?
A. For a casual get together with your immediate circle of friends, it’s fine to host your own party. If you desire a big party where you’d plan on sending out written invitations and extending invites beyond the “usual group,” it’s more appropriate to have someone else host the party in your honor.
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Question for the week of July 23, 2008
Q. Is there a “rule” about the appropriate color of dress for the mothers of the bride or groom? My friend insists there is, or was, but personally I've never heard of it and am very curious about the etiquette.
A. There are no hard and fast rules, but it is considerate for the mothers of the bride and groom to coordinate their attire so that it does not compete or take attention away from either the bride or the bridal party. It’s also a good idea to coordinate so that the outfits are neither the same nor extremely different.
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Question for the week of July 14, 2008
Q. My boyfriend of over four years (we are in our 30’s) has been getting more annoying with his throat clearing, nose blowing, lip-smacking when he eats, and (to put it nicely) the build up before he spits. I can't take it much longer. What is a tactful way of dealing with this problem? He has always made some of these noises but, he is getting much worse.
A. Your boyfriend's loud noises are definitely inappropriate (because he does them in front of others). Just as you find them annoying, in all likelihood, others do as well. We would recommend speaking to him privately and tactfully, say something along the lines of "Bob, I hope you know how much I care about you, but I have to be honest. You may not be aware but some of the noises you make when you blow your nose, eat, or spit are a bit unpleasant and make me uncomfortable. I wanted you to know because I love you and I'd hate for something like this to detract from who you are not only to me but, to others as well. I hope you understand."
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Question for the week of June 23, 2008
Q. I’m worried about people not RSVPing to my daughter’s wedding (250 guests!) in a timely manner. How can I let them know that I need to have an answer by a certain date, without looking pushy or rude?
A. It’s very important for guests to reply as soon as possible when they receive a wedding invitation. Between caterers, wedding planners and your own sanity, it’s crucial to get those replies. The best thing you can do is put a “Please reply by…” notice on the reply card itself. If some guests still haven’t given you an answer once this date has passed you may most certainly call them up to find out whether or not they will be attending. Saying something like, “Jane, I was just calling to see if you and John would be able to come to Juliette and Mike’s wedding on August 10th…” will keep the conversation light and you’ll get the information you need the most.
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Question for the week of June 16, 2008
Q. Do you tip a courtesy driver who drives you home or to work while your car is being serviced?
A. No. Since you are already paying the company, this is an extra service they provide you as a customer. There is no need to tip unless the driver goes above and beyond and you feel a tip is necessary.
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Question for the week of June 9, 2008
Q. While I was not invited to a friend’s wedding (and I sincerely understood) I do still want to send her a gift. Should I be sure to send it after the wedding so it doesn’t look like I’m fishing for an invitation?
A. Yes, this is the perfect way to handle the situation. By sending your gift after the wedding the bride and groom will have no doubt that you sent the gift sincerely and not as a hope or reminder for an invitation.
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Question for the week of June 2, 2008
Q. Is it appropriate for ashes to be separated among family members, or should they be kept together?
A. As long as the family agrees, a person’s ashes can be separated between family members or spread in different locations if desired.
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Question for the week of May 26, 2008
Q. Is there any superstition about giving knives as a wedding gift?
A. There is an old wives' tale that states “If a gift of knives is given, a coin should be given too so as not to sever the friendship.” It is, however, perfectly fine to give knives as a wedding gift.
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Question for the week of May 19, 2008
Q. A friend sent me a handmade gift, but I’m not sure what it is. How can I ask her without offending her?
A. It’s perfectly OK to ask, especially if this is a close friend. It might feel a little awkward, but start your conversation by stressing how happy you were to receive the gift and how thoughtful she is to think of you. Then you may say something like, “I’m terribly sorry but I’m not sure what it is exactly, it think I might be looking at it the wrong way or something.” You’ll probably both laugh once she tells you what it is. In the rare case that you don’t and she truly is hurt, the best you can do is apologize to her and thank her again for sending you a handmade gift.
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Question for the week of May 12, 2008
Q. When hosting a baby shower, is it OK to invite friends of the grandmother-to-be, even if they don’t know the mother-to-be?
A. Yes, it is perfectly OK to do so, as this is an exciting time for her as well. It’s always nice for the mother to have support from all around.
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Question for the week of May 5, 2008
Q. Most of my friends know me as Polly (short for my middle name, Pauline), and are unfamiliar with my first name, Elizabeth. I plan on using formal wedding invitations. Are parentheses around my nickname OK to use? I’m worried if I don’t use Polly people won’t know it’s me who is getting married.
A. We suggest you avoid using parentheses if you are using a formal wedding invitation. Your guests should be able to tell from your middle name that you are called Polly, short for Pauline. They should also recognize both your last name and your fiancé’s name. Your other option is to use a slightly less formal wedding invitation and use your nickname (Polly Lastname), and not worry about having your entire name on the invitation. The choice is completely up to you and what you feel most comfortable with.
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Question for the week of April 28, 2008
Q. My fiancé and I had to seriously cut down our guest list for our wedding. We are now getting a lot of “regrets” due to travel and schedules and such. Is it okay to start inviting people we had to cut now that there are fewer people than we had expected? Or is that considered rude? We have four weeks until the wedding.
A. It is fine to have a "B" list, and four weeks ahead is enough advance notice. Most brides and grooms have to eliminate a lot of people from their initial invitation list and are thrilled when they can include others. Most friends and relatives are pleased to be included and not offended that they didn't make the first cut. They know you care, and that's what matters.
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Question for the week of April 21, 2008
Q. I am a bride and I was adopted. In the past few years I have sought out and developed a very good relationship with my biological parents, and my adoptive parents are happy about it too. May I include my biological parents on my wedding invitations, and if so how should it be worded?
A. Traditionally the people who are paying for the wedding reception are the ones whose names will appear on the wedding invitations, as they are in fact the hosts of the event. Traditionally this is only the bride’s parents. However, nowadays both sets of parents often contribute and are considered hosts of the wedding reception. In this case, both sets of names appear on the invitation. If your biological parents are also contributing to your wedding then you may certainly include all three sets of names. You would start with the bride’s parents (adoptive) and then include her biological parents, and then the groom’s parents:
Mr. and Mrs. Adoptive
and
Mr. and Mrs. Biological
and
Mr. and Mrs. Groom’s Parents (if his parents are divorced and remarried and both contributing then you add another “and…Mr. and Mr. Groom’s Second Set of Parents” request the honor…
Or if you and your fiancé are contributing to the wedding or you’d just like to keep the invitation short, you could write:
Together with their families
Bride (full name)
and
Groom (full name)
request the honor of your presence at their wedding…
If your biological parents haven’t contributed to the wedding, but you’d like to add them for sentimental reasons, this should first be discussed with the people who are contributing to make sure they feel comfortable with adding the names, even though the biological parents haven't contributed to the event.
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Question for the week of April 14, 2008
Q. When you get tickets to the theatre or opera does your attire have to match the level of seating you have? For example, if you are seating the box seats must you be very formal as opposed to seats in the back of the house?
A. No, the location of your seat does not impact the level of dress for the show or performance. You should be dressed to the standards for the establishment. In some theatres you can wear jeans; in others it’s not okay. When in doubt, call the establishment and ask what they most often see for audience attire for the type of performance you will be attending.
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Question for the week of April 7, 2008
Q. On rubbish days, I put out two large bins on wheels. One is blue (garbage) and the other is grey (recycling). There is a man who walks his dog through the complex in which I live, and every week on rubbish day, I find his dog's waste in my bins. If I put my garbage bin away as soon as the garbage truck has passed by, then he uses the recycling bin, and I find myself removing the waste and placing it into the garbage bin myself. As I do not have a dog, I find all of this rather unpleasant, so I consulted your book in order to determine whether I was overreacting or not.
I realize that this neighbour should not be putting his dog's waste into my recycling bin, but is it fair for me to ask him not to use my rubbish bin either?
A. What an unfortunate situation. You should not be burdened with the waste of your neighbor's dog. You are well within the guidelines of acceptable behavior to ask your neighbor to please not use your garbage or recycling bins for his dog's waste. The tone that you use can go a long way toward making this a pleasant encounter. We recommend not blaming him for past behavior, and instead simply communicating your desire that the behavior change. Please really can be a magic word. If you do not usually see or talk to your neighbor you could put a small sign or note on your trash or recycle bin.
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Question for the week of March 31, 2008
Q. I was curious as to what title the husband of a female head of state would be called.
A. Typically the male spouse of a female head of state is referred to as "The First Gentleman." The husbands of United States’ governors also use this title. If you are addressing the head of state and her husband the proper form would be: President and Mr. Smith.
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Question for the week of March 24, 2008
Q. Is it okay for a host to request of their guests to bring a potluck dish for her ten-year-old son's birthday party? I find it tacky to request guests to bring a dish along with a present.
A. We agree that it's best not to host a potluck birthday party. Just as you wouldn't charge guests to attend a child's birthday party in your home, you shouldn't ask them to provide food for the party you are hosting. By hosting, you're assuming responsibility for providing food and beverages and entertaining your guests.
Potlucks are generally "ultracasual" get-togethers rather than celebrations of specific gift-giving events like birthdays or anniversaries.
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