Breaking The Stress-Rudeness Cycle When Times Are Tough

When a crisis occurs in our lives, whether personal or felt communally, it can be hard to know how to engage. Telling people you're struggling and allowing help in isn't always easy. Neither is offering help if you're unsure if it's wanted.

No matter the type of person you are during a crisis, stress, especially prolonged stress, often leads to rudeness, which can easily bring more stress to a situation. It's a vicious cycle, and it can be hard to get out of. The good news is that at the heart of it is behavior, and our behavior is something we mostly have control over; our behavior comes from a choice we make to act in a certain way. It may not always feel like a choice, but knowing that it is can give you some agency and power back when you feel like the stress-rudeness cycling is ruling your world.

Below are some things to consider when times get hard. Both for those experiencing the hardship and those playing a supporting role. Often, a little bit of self-reflection and the encouragement to reach out and engage with some classic manners can be all that's needed to help turn a cycle of stress and rudeness into a moment of support and relief.

Stress And Rudeness. When we are stressed, we often feel a need to not feel stressed as soon as possible, and this impatience can lead us to react to others (or address others) without thinking first and without taking consideration and respect toward this other person into account. Our hope becomes a need; our ask becomes a demand. It happens easily, and unfortunately, it causes us to pass our stress on to the person we're seeking help from when we do it this way. Frustrated as you may be, and urgent as the situation might be, being aware that passing that stress on will heighten the anxiety rather than soothe it is an important first step. As something stressful starts to occur and you want to reach out for help, remember that reaching out without panic and without demand can go a long way toward toning down the stress of the situation and tackling the logistics. And maybe even stopping the cycle before it gets to rudeness. A good starting place is to remember that the people you seek help from have their own lives going on, and while they may want to help you, they may not be able to. Acknowledging this can help your ask be less panicked. When you do reach out, leaving room for someone to say no to helping you will help alleviate some of that stress and not feed more of it into the stress you're already feeling. This is one moment when you can stop the cycle. It may not solve the problem right away, but it will help you manage your stress and not become rude. For example:

"Cara, I really need to talk to you now. I'm so stressed about what's going on. I don't even know what to do!" This demands Cara's time, which is not considerate of her. It also doesn't give her much of a choice - even if Cara is amazingly skilled at dealing with stress, it's still polite to offer her an out as you ask for help.

Instead, try: "Cara, I understand if you can't, but if you have time for a chat today, I could really use a shoulder to cry on or a friend to talk to about what's been going on." Now you've respected Cara's time and availability, and you've let her know what you're seeking and given her space to say no without feeling like it will fail you if she does. 

How You Can Stop the Cycle Once It's Started. To help stop the stress-rudeness cycle, we need to be able to see our behavior. Were you yelling? Did you spout off without giving someone else a chance to explain or share their perspective? These would be signs that you need to stop, take a breath, and apologize for your behavior. Yes, you are the disadvantaged one right now, the victim, the one experiencing the stress, but it doesn't give you free reign to be awful to the people around you, the people trying to help. If you want to nip the cycle in the bud as you recognize it starting, look to your basic manners to help you. Magic words like please and thank you, or excuse me and I'm sorry will do wonders in this moment - or even after it. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry I just yelled, this situation has me bonkers and I should not speak to you like that about it. You're trying to help." "Please, let me collect myself and try again. I'm sorry. I can talk about this without yelling." Taking a deep breath and speaking at a normal volume can help de-escalate a situation, whether you are the instigator or are just responding to someone who is distraught. Using an apology to take accountability for our behavior and to give us some space to acknowledge the situation at hand and our negative participation in it is really powerful. A) It's a solution to repairing any damage your outward expression of stress may have caused. B) It acts as a real-time example of accountability and responsibility to others and a moment that can be very impressive, yes, even after you've just blown your top.

Manners Can Guide Support, Too. When someone you know is going through a hardship, leaning into manners, traditions, and customs can be a huge relief and a way forward. When you don't know what to say, you can lean into these classics like an offer to help out with the kids or drop off a meal and some household supplies. These are signs we care, signs we want to help, signs of support. If a friend from your yoga class has just lost her father and you aren't sure of how to help or support her during this time, leaning into the custom of offering your condolences or writing a condolence/sympathy note can provide you with an actionable, traditional form of support that others will recognize and understand. While offers to help drive her kids to school or bring over dinner (the classic casserole) are also well-meaning and good, if they feel too personal for the relationship or aren't things you're able to offer, knowing the tradition of writing a condolence note can come as a relief.

The same is true when you aren't sure what to do. When someone you care about has a problem or is facing an issue that you cannot solve for them, leaning on our good listening skills (creating space for the conversation, giving the person your full attention - especially by turning off your phone, and asking what would be helpful, or if someone wants suggestions before just offering them) can sometimes be the biggest support we can offer.

When life hits your friends or family hard, it's easy to think they want privacy and that you have nothing real to offer in terms of support, but in truth, with simple manners like a soft approach, a specific offer, and a good listening skills you can do a lot to let someone know you're in their corner. These acts can go a long way to preventing that cycle of stress and rudeness from ever starting.