Episode 18 - Don’t Tell Anyone You’re a Mime

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Speaker 1: Maybe it's just that you don't know how to use social courtesy. That's old fashioned.

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Speaker 1: Watch. How is he

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Speaker 2: Post and damn posted actors host and hostess.

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Speaker 2: They know that courtesy means showing respect, thinking of the other person.

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Speaker 1: Really friendliness.

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Speaker 1: Welcome to another episode of Awesome Etiquette, which is psyched to be part of the infinite guest network from American Public Media. I'm Lizzie Post,

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Speaker 2: and I'm Dan Post sending from the Emily Post Institute. I wanted to start off. I've been watching parts and wreck with huge, and it's so much fun we're somewhere in middle of season three and she's having to rein me in. It's like Okay, no, shut it down. No,

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Speaker 1: not one more episode, Dan. Not one more episode.

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Speaker 2: Um, truly, we're having too much fun with it. Last night, the episode had Ron distributing his task. He doesn't like to do his work, and I'm thinking about this is we're all getting back to work and he's got a sort of community member who's a nurse running meetings for him. And when people find out she's a nurse, they start showing her there rashes or, you know, look at my cut. That's been bothering me or what? But it got me thinking about work and social and different work roles. And I know this is something that you talk about have been thinking about with our return from the holidays.

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Speaker 1: No, it does. It was, you know, being on vacation. It it reminds you of sometimes how you don't always get a vacation. You know, it's like in our jobs we often as soon as you let people know what it is that you dio. It's a little different. First of all, so it is. It is kind of like, Oh, hum people then start to think. And then they get questions. Well, it's about social

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Speaker 2: skills and social.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, and And what's what is nice is that people seem to get it really quickly. The etiquette can be about anything. So all of a sudden it's like it's like they've opened this door and and there's all this great stuff inside that they could get answers to, and they're like, Okay, I want the answers. And the other thing is that people love to tease you about being an etiquette expert, and it's like they'll ask you questions that have nothing to do with etiquette at all. They're like fashion questions or there. Um, you know, just they just aren't about the kind of etiquette that we really teach. And it drives me a little bit nuts because it's like I'm here to spin. Or I'm here to play tennis or do whatever it is and or just eat a meal. And I would love to be able to share what I do and not become someone's personal etiquette coach after it, because it's like I just I'm here to do this thing. I'm not here

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Speaker 2: to work. You don't ask your engine your friend to design you a bridge.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, you don't want Your mechanic friend comes over. You don't ask him to fix your car

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Speaker 2: if you're being well mannered. Yeah, well, e think it reminds me of the parallel when I was working in the performing arts. Don't tell anyone you're a mind.

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Speaker 1: You'll get so many questions. Oh, a box like and it's it's you're not trying to be, like, ungrateful or, you know, for the fact that people are interested. But it does get to the point where you're just like I actually went Thio, I went to a dinner party this weekend. It was really sweet. My friend Jenny actually asked me if she could let our hosts know what I do. And I respect the fact that she is a friend who just

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Speaker 1: understands that sometimes it causes the conversation to really get taken over by etiquette questions. And she knows that's not my favorite thing to have happened in a social situation that, like I want to get to know other people like I'm not. This isn't just like springing to mind to me

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Speaker 2: another. We often talk about different etiquette, different places, continental verse, American etiquette and Europe. You don't ask someone what they do. It's not considered. It's considered in polite for early question to be. What do you do

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Speaker 1: that it's

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Speaker 2: like It's almost like saying we're not capable of talking about things other than our profession, and that doesn't speak well of us if we immediately go there, where in America it's much more common fact. It's often early part of getting to know someone that you ask what someone does,

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Speaker 1: and I think it's e think it's normal, like if you're yeah, well, I think it's normal toe Wonder what someone does but then continue to talk about work I think can be a bit like I don't know, you're just bringing them right back to their workday rather than letting them be their social side. It took a point

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Speaker 2: worth pondering is we all get back to work,

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Speaker 1: then should we get to some questions? Maybe Thio, which we are here and excited to answer for you because this is work and we love this part of our jobs. You're right. It there's so much to learn how to dio. Sure, there's a lot to learn, but it's worth it on. Learning is easy. One way is by watching others away

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Speaker 2: on each and every episode of awesome etiquette. We take your questions on how to behave.

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Speaker 1: Our first question comes from Matt, and it has to do with gender and how to deal with it when people think you aren't the gender that you are. Hi, Lizzie and Dan. I love the show and had a question I was hoping you could address at some point in the future. I'm a young male, but my voice is in a higher register, and I'm often mistaken for a woman on the phone When I'm speaking with people who don't know me, such as customer service representatives, this is indicated to me when they address me as ma'am. I'm wondering what would be a tactful, inappropriate way to correct the person I'm speaking with. I feel like a jerk if I interject with something like it, sir or I am a man. But I also do not feel comfortable and do not like being repeatedly addressed as a woman. I was hoping you could suggest a way for me to bring this up and how to phrase a polite correction. Thank you, Matt.

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Speaker 2: I'm at thanks for the question. And the first thought that comes to my mind is you should always correct someone on, particularly something like this. And the sooner you do it and the the quicker the clearer you are With that correction, the easier it's gonna be for everybody. If it does get to the point where someone is referring to you is ma'am, you know what you're saying is absolutely fine. You could say you know, I don't mean to interrupt, but I'm a sir. In case you

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Speaker 1: missed, that sounds so gentle. I wouldn't be offended. I was like, Oh, my gosh. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to offend you.

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Speaker 2: Precisely. E mean, you can almost take that that that approach mentally in your you say I'm going to correct this person. I'm gonna do it in a way that that lets them know it's not causing me a lot of hurt her a fence. This is right at the start of an interaction. So, um, keep it like you're really fortunate. Your your your voice might be a bit ambiguous as to which gender you are, but your name is very clear. Yes, and that could be a real asset for you. When you're making that distinction for folks, you could say, Oh, you might not have caught it on My name's Matt. Might be another way you could bring that.

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Speaker 1: I like that too.

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Speaker 2: Um, you know, I I think this is not not something you need to worry a whole lot about. And I hope that helps have confidence, correct people early. Do it quickly, and you're gonna be in great shape.

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Speaker 1: Good luck, Matt.

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Speaker 1: Our next

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Speaker 2: question gave both Lizzie and I little pause and I'll be curious what are all of our listeners have to think about it. It begins. Lizzie and Daniel. I have two interrelated question as a student of the arts. Now, in my second year of medical school, I am frequently confronted by gender issues that many of my colleagues seem unaware of or insensitive to. Much to my surprise daily and repeatedly, my classes, referred to by the gendered Appalachian guys e have discussed my concern with using this gender term to refer to a group of soon to be professionals, which in the case of my cohort, is more than half female. I have discussed this issue with both my classmates and the faculty. This past summer, I was invited to write a guest post on a former art history. Professors blogged about guys in medicine without going into detail about the history of patriarchy and medicine. I tried to explain that I am distracted from my learning when I am called a guy multiple times a day, every day at medical school. As such, I asked people not to call me or the class guys. It hasn't helped. Do you have any suggestions on how to move towards a more inclusive term. My concern for this is often labeled is petty and inconsequential, which I take issue with. Another common refrain I hear is that I am too formal. My classmates frequently say this to me in a disparaging way. When I asked my perceptive and patience if I am to formal, they say No. I understand the remark from my classmates to be a misuse of the term formal. In other words, I think they are mistaking my love of language as pretension is, there are more appropriate way to react when I am being criticized by my classmates, not because what I am doing is wrong or inappropriate, but rather because it is a typical thanks in advance. Giardina

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Speaker 1: Uh, Judean A. That's a tough one because you've kind of done the things that we would suggest you do. You've already spoken up about it and said I'd prefer it if you don't address this. These guys, um, interestingly enough, if you do look up the word guys in the dictionary while there is a noun definition for as man or fellow, Um, there's also a definition right below that, at least according to the Miriam Miriam Webster

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Speaker 2: Miriam Webster website That would

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Speaker 1: I'm pretty sure that's the one I was on. Um, where guys refers to a What did it say? Uh, like a member group, um, non gender specific. So it's not. It actually is a term that is inclusive to women, even though the singular when we talk about a guy is referring to a man, guys very often refers to a group of multi gender people. On a technical level, they are correct. But I can also understand in a profession and especially in something like a medical profession, um, that you might not wanna be referred to so casually. Clearly it's causing you problems, and you've spoken up about them. Beyond that, there isn't a whole lot that you can do other than be consistent and persistent. You know, you can just simply continually go and ask the people that address you this way. If they would please not, um,

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Speaker 1: in regards to the formal thing. Um, I think if someone criticizes you for this, just say you know, hey, it's important to me like this is something that matters to me. Um, honestly, it it is kind of that phrase that it allows either the other person to say Okay, it's just her thing or it allows them to say in their own head. You know, this actually does matter to her. It's not just a annoying thing. It's not just a nit picky thing.

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Speaker 1: This matters.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, and I jump in and say in an increasingly casual and informal world, if those little formalities or traditional courtesies matter to you, being clear about that with the people around you is a great way to continue toe, hold that space on and and keep the range of options open. This is definitely something we talk about when we do our business training, when I'm talking to groups that are potential leadership groups or really any group in in a business context and we talk about language and communication. This is one of those words we warn people about, Um, we We advise people to be careful about addressing mixed gender groups as guys because it definitely starts to fall into that Maurin formal territory where people are going to interpret it different ways and just for clarity and communication, and because there's often someone in an audience like yourself who cares about this, Uh, it's it's better just to defer to a language that that is more formal is more inclusive.

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Speaker 1: And I also think that, you know, you have been doing the work of asking people Thio not say this to you at some point, If you're just not winning this battle, you may just have to let it go,

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Speaker 1: because it does There, you know, there are a couple things around our office that are sticklers in my head that eventually I just had to kind of back off from because it just wasn't going to change and it wasn't worth the fight. Eso I do always suggest to people who are having a very specific kind of issue like this. Do do yourself a favor because you get stressed by this. This bothers you. It it does mean that sometimes you have to look inside and say, Okay, is this something I can let go of so that this is just not

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Speaker 2: a big deal anymore? The heart of good advice being practicality. I think that's ah, good place to wrap this one up. So I wish we had a solution for you, but I think this one's going to require some continued effort.

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Speaker 1: Continued effort. Good luck, Yudina. Our next

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Speaker 2: question is addressed. Greetings, Daniel and Emily. And I'm going to assume that's my dear cousin Lizzie.

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Speaker 1: Often, Emily is going to speak from the grave for

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Speaker 2: our dear departed, great, great grandmother. Thank you for your podcast. This question begins. It has become a gem in my weekly listening. I have an interesting question for you. It's a bit of background. I did not change my name when I was married five years ago in our wedding. Thank you. Notes. We even wrote in each one that neither my husband or I had changed our names. Unfortunately, we have a tremendous amount of family and friends who have seemed toe one. Forget this fact or to have chosen to ignore it completely. Our return address labels clearly read both our names as well. How can I nicely address this without seeming rude? I think most of these people would think that I am being too sensitive about this. But my husband and I took this decision very seriously and chose it purposefully. Any guidance would be appreciated. Thank you. I am still Miss Simon.

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Speaker 1: Oh, Miss Simon. I feel for you, that's a tough one. But I also you know,

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Speaker 1: there's a trend that we get in our letters, and they it seems to be that a lot of people want to say something are actually deeply offended or upset by something going on. But they always say, I don't want to be seen as being too sensitive or too difficult or too this or too that. And the truth of the matter is you are like, it's not too sensitive, but you are sensitive to this, and it bothers you enough to write into a show about it. I want to see a little gumption. You know, I want to encourage you that if this is something that you are in fact sensitive about that, you own that and you're okay with the fact that you're sensitive about this and that it is important to you and start speaking up for it. So I am. I am going to suggest that Miss Simon B, um, be passive and and persistent. Um, I know, which is kind of a strange confidence. But, you know, I think that that the way to address this isn't just to go up to everyone and wag your finger, and clearly she doesn't want to be doing that. But I do think that that look for small opportunities to bring up the fact that this is important to you. Um, you know, if a conversation turns towards grammar or language or formality or, you know, maybe you are sitting with a newly engaged couple and they're talking about their names find opportunities in conversation for you to say, Oh, well, my husband and I didn't change our you know, I didn't change my name to his and we actually have found it difficult. Like a lot of people, even our closest friends and family still think this. It might just kind of. I've had friends do that at times, and it does pick up. You pick up on it and you're like, OK, I hear you, I get it. And that's kind of a gentle sort of Yeah, exactly as opposed to walking straight up to someone and saying, Listen, but I also think that if if you do have friends who are close to you, that would understand, you know, I mean, if you're saying some of your close family and friends aren't getting this, I think because there close family and friends, there's someone that you

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Speaker 2: could address this with directly. So if it's happening repeatedly with the same person and there's a close relationship, you might bring it up specifically then.

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Speaker 1: Exactly. Um, and you can also ask people to work on your behalf. Maybe some of the people that do get it if they're hosting with someone else, you know, you could ask them to say I like it. You know what I mean? You could be like, Hey, listen, Katie E no. You guys air throwing this party. We've talked about what you want to do for it. Could you please just put my name

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Speaker 2: correctly on the invitation for me? We were talking TV at the start of the show. I'm thinking of Marvel's agents of Shield agents of Tricia Post. The little messages that I've gotten from you and your sister about a party that your mother is hosting, I would be really appreciated. She's She's brilliant at getting the word out and doing it well through her. Her emissaries.

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Speaker 1: Rarely does she ever have to deal with issuing formal invitations. But anyway, back to Miss Simon, I do think that if there's a repeat offenders someone that that really doesn't seem to get this I think it's

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Speaker 2: okay for you to go on

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Speaker 1: address it. And, um, you know, just let them know, Say something like, You know, I was wondering if you could if you could put me on your contact list as Miss Simon. I never I never changed my name to my husband's last name, and I think that that that was it. But I still really want to encourage you. Don't be worried about the sensitivity stuff because you are sensitive to it. So own it and then do what you can t o make the changes so that you feel better about it. Five years is a long time to have something bothering you.

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Speaker 1: This question comes from Sarah and I have a feeling it's one a lot of people deal with. It definitely is awkward.

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Speaker 1: Hi there. I need your help. I recently had a kids are invited to come Hanukkah party in my small condo. I am single and have no Children. My place is not super kid friendly, but most of my friends have kids and I had the party on a Sunday so that this would be an option.

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Speaker 1: Ah, very good friend brought her to elementary age Children, and at some point they asked me for a pen. When everyone left, I finally sat down on my couch. After a long evening of hosting, I noticed that there were two very large pen marks on my light green leather couch. What do I do

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Speaker 1: if I don't tell my friend about the stains, I'll resent her Children and her silently, and I will think of this incident every time I sit down on my couch. If I tell her I will feel better about telling her. And I think she should know but feel worse because I don't want to cause tension between us. Also in the question is the cost of removal. It would be about $125 to get the couch professionally cleaned. Do I ask for her to cover that cost? Do I split it with her? Or is this the hidden cost of having a party? I'm upset that the family left without saying anything to me about the stain. What do I do? Thanks, Sarah.

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Speaker 2: Oh, Sarah, I'm sorry. The damage after a party, Um, for

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Speaker 1: something like this, I think you

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Speaker 2: definitely want to talk to the mother about the damage the kids caused. Um, if you're 100% sure it was them, then absolutely. Definitely talk to the mother. Most parents are gonna wanna know. They're gonna want to know what their kids are up to. What? They're responsible for it. If she didn't mention it to you. My guess is she doesn't know that it happened. If you're not 100% sure, But you've got a pretty good idea. Be ready to acknowledge that as part of the telling. So, you know, after the party there was this damage. I'm pretty sure it was the kids. I didn't see them do it. But you want to make that latitude and allowance because it's important to acknowledge that you didn't necessarily see it happen.

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Speaker 2: Um,

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Speaker 1: do you think that if you didn't necessarily see it happened, that you should bring it up? Because that's assuming people get really offended when things are assumed about their

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Speaker 2: Children in the same way that just as a parent, I know it's It's I would want to know. And if someone was 98% sure, they'd given my kid a certain pen and their remarks from that pen. Although kids hand pens around and stuff happens,

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Speaker 1: those kids, they're always handing pens around to each other. We're all playing. I draw on this. You draw on that things things

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Speaker 2: happened in the Wild West. Um,

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Speaker 2: and it's

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Speaker 1: just a little bit the

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Speaker 2: danger when you open your home up to guests and when you have a party and when you decide to take out moms, antique tablecloth or or lace doily is and then they get spilled on. That's that's part of the risk of taking those things out of the coverage,

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Speaker 1: that that is a good thing. And she actually asked that question, you know, or is this the hidden cost of having a party? And to a degree, we say yes. Um, if you use you know your great grandmother's China and a plate breaks, you know it is really nice. We always say it's really nice for a guest to offer to help pay for it, but that if the host is going to use it, they have to expect that there's a chance it could get ruined. Um, same with lipstick on the napkin is another big one that we get, Um, and it is sort of one of those bullets you have to take as a host. But that being said, I am with Dan If if I had Children and I went to a party and my kids have done something to someone else's house by the sheer fact that I would will go with the golden rule instead of the platinum rule if the tables were reversed, I would want to know that my Children had done something and that I could cover it because I wouldn't want you, Sarah, to feel that resentment that you're already feeling and we're hearing you

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Speaker 2: talk about and you give your guest a chance to play their role. Well, Lizzie was just alluding to it. A really good, responsible guest will often offer to pay damages for something that they really feel responsible for a spill on a tablecloth. Someone might not feel as responsible for a child damaging an expensive piece of furniture. Um, is something that someone might someone with their pen knife carving away on your dinner table is less normal behavior, and someone might feel inspired or compelled to help cover the cost of that repair. So you really give them an opportunity to to be a good guess and to address that potential resentment by letting them know. So I do think that's part of it. But, like Lizzie said, be prepared. If that offer isn't forthcoming, that ultimately, um, you might need to be prepared to absorb that cost

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Speaker 1: also, and also to absorb the emotional disappointment of your friend not stepping up. And your friend might be absorbing the emotional disappointment that you think your kids did this and

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Speaker 2: nobody's really sure. I think that that's a really valid point to make and and sort of starts to get it at a difficult question from a number of different perspectives, which is really what we're trying to do here.

00:21:39

Speaker 1: So I think the way to handle this is for you to call up your friend and and let her know that you know, you had let the kids borrow this pen. Um, you could say something like, Hey, Heather, the party was so much fun. I'm so glad you and the kids could come. I did notice when everyone left that there was a stain on my couch and it came from the pen that I lent Thio. The kids, you know, use their names. Don't say your kids, um and and I think just letting her know about the stain. This is the part where you then hope she says, Oh, let me know what it costs to cover it. She doesn't say that. What I would probably do is I would take a gentle next step, and I would probably say I'm looking into getting it cleaned. Um, and that gives her another opportunity. Then say, Oh, let me know how much it waas. Um, if she still doesn't say anything, Um, then I think you kind of know where she stands, that she's not going to step up to that plate. And it's probably best to just say, you know, Okay, you kind of gave her two chances to jump in, and she hasn't. And that's probably a good indication that if you flat out asked her for the cash for it, she's not

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Speaker 2: going to go for it. Um, well, Sarah, I I hope that helps, and I hope you're not.

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Speaker 1: I hope your friend steps

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Speaker 2: up to the plate. I hope your friend stepped up to the plate and I hope you continue to have kids. Welcome party. Because, boy, I know parents really appreciate.

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Speaker 1: They really, really do. And it's a great way to keep in touch with single friends. But still, you know, be able to be together. So we hope this doesn't ruin ruin future events.

00:23:05

Speaker 1: Our

00:23:05

Speaker 2: next question asks Dear Awesome etiquette. I love your podcast.

00:23:09

Speaker 1: Thank you so much for making

00:23:10

Speaker 2: it. Well, you're most welcome. I began listening to your show because I recently became a graduate student, and my advisor is a very nice man to whom correct etiquette, politeness and or respect is clearly important. My undergraduate degree was in a very informal college where I knew all my professors by first name and a sir or ma'am would have been taken a scans by many. My new university is in an almost but not quite southern state, and I want to respect the culture. But I am not the kind of person to whom these things come naturally. I am also prone to interrupting people, which I am actively trying to remedy me, too. Unfortunately, some have taken it even mawr offensively when I try to remedy my interruption by adding Oh, but I interrupted you. I'm sorry. What were you going to say?

00:23:54

Speaker 1: Really? Take more. Sorry. Okay, keep reading.

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Speaker 2: My question is twofold. How do I acknowledge my interruption and attempt to take it back without causing further a fence? And do you have any general suggestions for an out spoken young woman who has moved to a different etiquette climate? I'm feeling a little loss after living in the same place for so long. Thank you so much in advance. Your podcast has helped to make me more aware of things that have been flying under my radar. Sincerely, Caitlin,

00:24:17

Speaker 1: I'm just going to say it like Caitlin. Sometimes you just have to be yourself. Like I don't think she sounds like a rude person. E just don't, um I think it's awesome that she's aware of and working on the interrupting thing I wouldn't worry about when people get upset. Um, Caitlyn, about you apologizing for interrupting Personally, I think it shows that you're self aware and not wanting to be someone who interrupts. Um It also means you've taken responsibility for your interruption and apologized for it. So if people are getting Dick, did you for that? Let them go right and be ticked like that's the one I don't wanna be friends with, Um, but I think I think what you're doing, a spot on your you're getting into etiquette and customs and paying attention to the way the world you've moved into behaves and interacts

00:25:07

Speaker 1: and trust us. It's its's. Not like we get it right all the time, either. We live in Vermont. I don't think quite as many people know what that actually means. What it's. It's a very strange line toe. Have this name and this company and this family legacy behind us and to talk about etiquette all the time. And Thio, if anyone saw kind of, I think the environments that we grew up in and the way we interact with people, not that we're rude in any way, but it's just not what you would expect. We people often think that we live in some penthouse in New York City and, you know, run with all the high society people, and it's just not the case at all. And I don't think that that then means because you came from a place that doesn't have, ah, formal focus on etiquette, that you're somehow not polite. I think that everything she does, she she seems to notice the people around her and how they react to her, and she pays attention to them. That's etiquette at its heart,

00:26:09

Speaker 2: it really is. And and any time you transition cultures and sometimes moving between regions in the United States is transitioning cultures,

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Speaker 1: there's gonna be a little lag

00:26:19

Speaker 2: time as you start to pick up those differences. Sir and ma'am is a big one of those in the Northeast. Its's much less common. In fact, some people think it introduces an artificial distance between people. There are other parts of the country, the Southeast, where it's due rigor. You would absolutely refer to someone, particularly an elder or someone in a professional context, as Sir ma'am, if you weren't sure how to address them otherwise, and picking up that standard is an important part of making that transition. But you're you're clearly

00:26:47

Speaker 1: grasping that, but you can also do that honestly, it's okay that you're from a place that didn't have these customs. You know, when I go down south, I try to do my best to learn what I don't know and to simply be a kind and and pleasing person to those that I meet so that if I do mess up, people are going to know or assume that it's unintentional. You know, you're

00:27:09

Speaker 2: practically a transplant now.

00:27:10

Speaker 1: E amount that I go down to New Orleans these days. Um, but yeah, it's it is. It's one of those things where, um e can remember actually meeting my when I went to New Orleans This last trip that we talked about a few episodes ago. Um, I remember meeting, um, the housekeeper for my hosts house, and she was letting us in. My host was still on vacation when we arrived. And so when I when I met Fanny, I didn't know whether to call her, um, Miss Fanny or Fannie or Mrs So and so her last name, which I didn't know. And so, you know, I did my best, and I just introduced myself the way I would know. I mean, I interested. I said, I'm Lizzie Post this. My friend Nick Landrigan and you know, this is what you know, high. It was so nice to meet you and she said, I'm I'm Fannie. And so I called her fanny. And then later I asked, um, my host, what the correct thing. And she said yes. Calling her Miss Fanny would have been a good idea. I said, Okay, because to me, that sounds like an endearing term, whereas it's actually the proper formal term in that particular situation. So it was interesting. Um, but I didn't let the fact that I got it wrong bum me out and Miss Fanny knew that I was, you know, grateful for her help and appreciative that she was there. Let us in the house and everything. And no harm, no foul,

00:28:30

Speaker 2: definitely. So that's the the answer to your broad question about a new culture and trying to find your location, a new culture. I have a couple of very specific tips that might help with the interrupting on bond and those air, uh, some skills that come from active listening work. And you can think of yourselves not just trying to stop the interrupting, but cultivating the habit of active listening of really good engaged listening, so things that you can remind yourself are while you're listening, do things. But do things that aren't interrupting or contributing but are listening things like Be sure you're looking the person in the eye. Be sure you're smiling. Be sure you're engaging with, um, one of my favorite conversation skills. Tricks is toe. Start noticing that time in a conversation when you've decided what you're going to say next and try to identify. That is a particular moment for a perpetual and habitual interrupter that moments probably an unconscious moment. Oh, I know what I'm going to say next to say it. For a lot of people, the art of good conversation is learning how to control that impulse. Ah, very good friend of mine once said, Good conversation about not saying everything that pops into your mind. So really practicing, noticing the moment where you've decided what you're gonna say and my challenge to people, and I give this challenge to our listeners out there is, once

00:29:43

Speaker 1: you've

00:29:43

Speaker 2: decided a conversation, what you're gonna say next, don't say it.

00:29:45

Speaker 2: Go back to listening. Tell yourself, Oh, that's what I want to say. I'm not going to say I'm gonna go back toe listening to this conversation until I think of something else that I'm going to say, and that's the thing I'm going to say next. So you re engage the listening process instead of checking out at that moment for bonus points. Remember that first thing. Bring it up two hours later. Add some sophistication. You know, early we're talking about this thing and I didn't get a chance to ask. But I'm really curious about X, y or Z E. So start practicing your good conversation skills. Don't just try to think about stopping the thing that's already happened, and that might help with the interrupting.

00:30:16

Speaker 1: I think one of the other things that happens with interrupting, and we accuse everyone in my family of doing this and that is predicting,

00:30:26

Speaker 1: and when you're in a conversation with someone, I'm sorry, but very few people out there are actually probably telepaths, so you don't know exactly what someone else was going to say. And I find a lot of interrupters, predict what's about to come out of the person. They're listening to his mouth, and so they try to say it first to move things along, and it's not an intentional thing. It's not a mean thing. It's not like there. It's not like they're bored, so it's often they're excited about the conversation. They feel like they know where it's going, so they want to jump in and be a part of it. But it's so much better to just wait and listen to what that other person was going to say, because I bet you 80% of the time it's not what you thought they were going to say, and that that is definitely a really good thing to be aware of. That is another form of interrupting that people often don't realize is interrupting. So look for the patterns

00:31:20

Speaker 2: in your interruption. Look for what it is that's drawing that out of you and maybe think about addressing that that also So, um, welcome to your new school. Things go really well for you there, and it sounds like they're going to you because you're clearly a very bright person who's thinking about how you're interacting in this environment.

00:31:36

Speaker 1: Good luck, Caitlin.

00:31:39

Speaker 1: Our next question is a bit of a long one, but it's actually I think, something a lot of people in one way or another struggle with. And, um, it's it's really unfortunate situation, and in a weird way, I'm, like, really excited. Terminated to everybody. Okay. Hello, lysine. Daniel, I'm such a fan of your advice on DPD and now your own show. I'm hoping you could guide me through some recent rocky nous in a personal relationship. There's a small group of six of us who regularly hang out, go on trips and are otherwise besties. We have a friend in this group who is a bit of a serial data. Every month there's a new love of my life. Every month we meet this new Paramore bond with him and then learned there is a new boyfriend the next time we all get together. More recently, this friend has found a boyfriend who seems to go out of his way to be unpleasant to the group. When directly engaged, he'll ignore questions and conversation. Speak ill of a host when he is the guest to a party or barbecue. We'll pretend to sleep when we're all watching a movie or playing a game in the same room, and has even gone so far as to reroute our plans to a bar across town on Lee to show up late and leave after 10 minutes without even saying hello. One of those times was, in fact, my birthday. And of course, he didn't acknowledge that either. We're all in our thirties. And to be frank, if any of us were really that unhappy with the social situation would be much easier to remove ourselves toe, let others have fun rather than behave like the boyfriend does so consistently.

00:33:06

Speaker 1: After my birthday or friend recently sent an email to the group to ask why we were all being so distant, I sent him a note off the group email to share my feelings. I'm glad he's happy, but the boyfriend's behavior would lead me to think he's unaware his actions are offensive. Maybe he could be shy in group settings or genuinely doesn't like me and some of the other members of the group. And perhaps the boyfriend should plan an outing on his terms so that we can share in one of his passions and fall in love with him as well. It was received well by her friend, but not by the boyfriend I received quite the barrage of expletive filled text messages. As a result, I didn't respond back. I couldn't craft a well intentioned communication that wouldn't fan further flames. I was the only one who responded to the email and now regret even getting involved. We've seen each other at house warming's birthday outings and holiday parties, since I always say hello in and cordial but keep my distance as the boyfriend has proven to be unpredictable, any further engagement could potentially rise to a really housewife level event who that's big. The rest of the group is apathetic to the boyfriend, not just because of his behavior but because they refused to get too invested in someone so temporary. Given our friends dating habits, my fiance is washing his hands of both of them. He feels our friend should have reined in the boyfriend from the beginning, as we've been warmed to previous suitors without incident, he is also very offended that our friend has not forced his boyfriend to apologize for his disproportionate texts. To my email, I didn't share this text message flare up with the group, but my fiance shared it with them about a month afterwards and Now the group is uninterested in developing a relationship with the boyfriend at all. I work in sales, and I understand that sometimes one has to apologize even when they're in the right, in order to move forward in a relationship. However, in this instance, I don't want this boyfriend around my friends outside of our group as some of those air my clients, I worry his rude or unpredictable behavior would be a reflection upon me. I hope that in keeping a long view, maintaining distance while acting polite, the relationship with her friend will win the day.

00:35:13

Speaker 1: Now that their relationship is going on four months, it doesn't seem so temporary. What is your advice on how to productively move forward? Do we ice out our friend until there is an apology or at the least improved behavior? Do we wait it out for the eventual break up? Should we swallow our pride and apologize? Sincerely frustrated with our friend? Oh, boy,

00:35:36

Speaker 2: I'm going with option two. Wait it out till the break up.

00:35:40

Speaker 1: Wait it out until the break up. Out. I mean, basically, um uh, this person, you know, frustrated with our friend has done most of what we would suggest. You know, I wish there was a way, um, that you could have spoken with the friend privately about his boyfriend. But I also think that it's really valid to have sent the email because those words air in black and white and they can't be changed around the tone of them might have been misinterpreted. Eso, even though you know our writer listed many things, Um, I think our writers is she that she had had trouble with, but it doesn't seem, um, like it doesn't seem like they could be construed as negative or that you could twist them. But you never know when someone reads something. They're reading it with their voice in their head, not really yours. So it is possible. In many ways,

00:36:30

Speaker 2: she's following all the advice would give. You were responding to an email with an email you're not airing your grievance or concerns with the entire group. You're taking the email message offline to reply.

00:36:40

Speaker 1: I'm impressed that she didn't go and show the awful text messages to everyone. I'm not above that. I would have done that. E would have just been like, Do you see what he did. You can't be friends with this guy. And because that means

00:36:51

Speaker 2: that the French showed the boyfriend this email didn't decipher and interpret it and deliver the message in a way that the new boyfriend could digest. Well, we're guessing.

00:37:02

Speaker 1: I was gonna say we're guessing because it sounds like if if you did show the email, I mean, it's this is the boyfriend's reaction. I think the friend actually gets it. Which is the sad

00:37:12

Speaker 2: part? No. And when you talk about the really sad part, when we take a big step back 60,000 ft view, what do you do when a friend is in a relationship? And you don't like the person they're in a relationship with when that person is a bore and in terms of boorish behavior, not just boring but doesn't know or observe or understand the social conventions that this person and their friend and their peer group

00:37:34

Speaker 2: work with, and a couple other things that come up in this great and long question. I I'm right there with the fiance, washing the hands of both of them, and this is definitely the danger when you're in a relationship with someone who who isn't seen, um,

00:37:50

Speaker 2: in a good light by people that you know. And it could be hard when you're looking through those the eyes of Lovat. Someone took to really hear the voices of the people around you who say, you know, this person is not the person We don't see them quite the same way that you're seeing them. And, um, I definitely sort of feel that fiance washing his hands of the situation. I also feel the concerns of our writer talking about the business social aspect of social relationships and that when you've really got an unpredictable and Boris person, that boy, what are you going to do? And you might really start to exclude them. And it was that exclusion that the this friend noticed that prompted this. I don't think you've done anything wrong here by responding honestly to that friend and telling them what's up. In fact, in many ways, you're taking the hit for the team, and you're doing that friend of favor and they might not appreciate it at the moment. And there might be long term consequences if this does turn out to be the person. Um, but boy, if this does turn out to be the person, the sooner you have drawn those boundaries and made clear what standards of behavior you think are acceptable, the sooner they'll either conform or this process will will continue and everybody will find their new balance.

00:39:01

Speaker 1: I don't think that you wanna wait this out for the eventual break up because you thought this person was gonna be a month a month long and instead they dance saying this could be it. This could This could be the person that that your friend marries. I mean, it's it's totally possible, Um, and that that is also something that happens. I know it's really tough, you know, We have all these wonderful sitcoms that show us these groups of friends that are friends for forever, and they're just unshakable. But the truth of the matter is, that happens for very few people in life. You know, I even look at I had a core group of girlfriends last year, and this year we're all in different places. So we're doing different things and your priorities change and you kind of move on a little bit and it happens. There's an ebb and flow to life that way. And it's really sad when you've been used to the comfort of a group that tight to maybe see one of the first sort of fissures in that. Exactly. And so, um, I do think that it's not a bad thing to maybe just kind of let that move along and and say He's just kind of you guys don't like the people he's hanging out with. He's not making changes and standing up for you as friends. So maybe it's time to let him go with his new alliance of his new boyfriend

00:40:15

Speaker 2: and and and continuing on that thought, This is around that transition from, uh, single peer groups and friends toe groups of friends that include couples as well. A singles are just couples. You don't need to be friends with a couple. You can still be friends with your friend, and you can organize times for seeing that, and it might not be the same. You might not be going to the club with the whole group of you, but you could get together for lunch and you start to carve out that time in a lot of people think It's a sign of real strength in a relationship when the individuals in the relationship are able to maintain friendships outside that relationship. And it's something that is worth thinking about in cultivating in life.

00:40:55

Speaker 1: No, the last question is the one that really bothers me. Should we swallow our pride and apologize? And I'm just not sure what you would be apologizing for. And you were asked why you were being so distant. And from the sounds of it, you gave, you know, a pretty truthful but gentle response, and you got slammed for it. So, um, I don't think you need to apologize for this. I mean, it's it's rare that I say that because I'm you know, like you, you can always offer someone an apology to smooth things over. It doesn't have to be, you know, it needs to be sincere. You need to find a way to find the truth in it for yourself, but it doesn't have to be taxing on your pride to do it. But I don't think this is one of those cases. I think that, um frankly, I e think you've been treated not well, and you've been put in a difficult position. And I think you did everything that we would have said you could have done right. And now it's time to let the friends decide. And I think what is hard is that you know, your boyfriend's washed his hands of these people. Your fiance, excuse me, is washed his hands of these people and you guys are left trying to figure out how. How is this going to go down? And it might be that you say, You know what? We're done interacting with them. The rest of the group can figure out if they're going to do group things with them. But we're done.

00:42:10

Speaker 2: I would just as by way of conclusion, So you might think about a solo invite to your friend. If you really want to try toe to see what you can salvage from that relationship, see if you can see him sometime when you can't get together. When when that other person isn't gonna be

00:42:24

Speaker 1: well that I agree with. I thought you I thought you meant invite like like at a party invite just your friend and not the friend

00:42:31

Speaker 2: And the booth. You're you're a little get together after work. But But, you know, try toe tryto focus on the good part of that relationship and see if you can carry that

00:42:41

Speaker 1: for best of luck to you, because that really is a really hard situation. And truthfully, I hope you write in again and let us know how it's going like six months down the road. I'm curious. I kind of want to know. I want to follow this drama A listener

00:42:55

Speaker 2: wants to know. My blue blood 87 year old mother in law has the unpleasant habit of blowing her nose at mealtimes frequently and without hesitation. My husband has the same habit that has gotten worse as he's gotten older. He only does this at home, which he thinks is okay because it's on Lee me at the table. I'm not going to change his mother, but I want him to stop. I would appreciate suggestions on how to delicately but firmly let him know that just because his mother does it, it's not okay in our home. Thank you.

00:43:25

Speaker 1: Ah s so classic. Um, you know what? Really? It's It's one of this. I think saddest things about our closest relationships is that we think it's OK to just

00:43:41

Speaker 1: honestly be the worst version of ourselves be the version that that we wouldn't want the person that were with to see

00:43:51

Speaker 1: the first couple weeks in. And it's like, you know, and whether it's picking your nose or it's blowing your nose at the table or its peeing with the door open or it's anything. For some reason, our home becomes a place where we don't wanna be by bothered by other people's presence. It's like we want to just be able to be carefree and completely are

00:44:16

Speaker 1: you know, a thing of it is that that makes me so mad because it's like this is this person that you spent so much time trying to impress, winning over dis, falling in love with deciding that you want to spend a life with the most

00:44:31

Speaker 2: in your

00:44:32

Speaker 1: relationship in your life other than kids, I would say, and you're gonna you're gonna be kind of your gross itself around this person. No, I don't buy the Onley. Me and I. If I were you, I would probably maybe it's why I'm single. I would probably say something to the effect of you know, you say it's on Lee. Me, but I I want particularly me. I I want it to be that I I don't wanna be just Onley me when it comes to you on Lee. Mom, I can understand you don't want to criticize someone else's mother. She's your elder. It's that mother in law relations,

00:45:14

Speaker 2: not eating every dinner with

00:45:15

Speaker 1: Yeah, you're not eating every meal with her. I totally agree with you. Let that go. But I think when it comes to your husband that it's okay to tell him. Honey, you know, I know that it's, uh, that, um

00:45:28

Speaker 1: I know that your home and you want to be comfortable in your own home, but what you're doing makes me uncomfortable in my own home. And I would love it if this very simple small thing could be something that we remove from our dining together

00:45:41

Speaker 2: and boy carving out that dining experience that is, that is not territory. That's fraught for many, many people. That's one of the places where increasing in increasingly casual and informal world people hold some standards. And it can really be, um, um important touch point in life toe have those places and have them clearly carved out. So you help set that expectation that you want him to be comfortable in his own home, but that you would really appreciate it if this time in this space you could make an effort to avoid a particular behavior that you don't appreciate.

00:46:16

Speaker 1: One of the ones that cracks me up is that people often they okay, first of all, people get really defensive when you start attacking or picking on or wanting to change your correct small behaviors. It's really interesting. But the one that really cracks me up about that is that

00:46:31

Speaker 1: it's like,

00:46:32

Speaker 1: Okay, so if the husband puts up, you know, pitches a fit about this, it's like, I wanna look at him and say, Okay, so in the you're saying But that's just me. It's just who I am, Really? Do you want blowing my nose loudly and obnoxiously at the dinner table to be one of your top 10? Identify IRS. It's the one you're going to stand up and make a fight for. Come on, man, like no. And I think about it, too. I mean, my sister hates the fact that my office is messy and it is. It drives her nuts. She literally sometimes will shut the door to my office because it upset her so much that my desk is cluttered. And it's one of those things where on the one hand, I'm just me And that's just how I am. On the other hand, Wow, is that really who I wanna be known? As, you know, is that one of the things I'm gonna hold on to?

00:47:24

Speaker 1: So I think we all have the things and we all find some way that we don't want to change them. But I really hope that you can come at this, um, with your husband and let him know, you know, this is this is a small thing to change that would make a big difference for me. I love that good.

00:47:39

Speaker 2: And you're really saying it's about me and it matters to me, and you could do this for me, and you're you're really setting.

00:47:45

Speaker 1: And it doesn't change who you are, a home like. It just makes it a little more pleasant for me. Your wife

00:47:51

Speaker 2: and I

00:47:51

Speaker 1: also wanna

00:47:52

Speaker 2: thank you for sending this one in because it's illustrative of something that Lizzie and I often say on the podcast, which is that one of the tricky things about etiquette is that it is that great territory were. Oftentimes it's behavior that's not so bad that someone's going to talk to you about it. And people always say, Well, if my etiquette were really bad or if I was really so rude, I'd know or and it's not the case. Sometimes the the person who you're the closest to sitting across from you at dinner every night is really bothered by something, and they're not necessarily gonna tell you or say something about it. It really is important toe to take the time, to do some self reflection and to really pay attention to toe how for all of us to to take this is a reminder. It's important to pay attention to how we behave because it impacts all the relationships in our lives.

00:48:34

Speaker 2: So thank you for the good question. Good luck with the nose blowing at the table, and I'm doing a little self reflection right now and adding a little New Year's resolution toe. Think about some of those little allowances. I allow myself in the home, so thank you for your question.

00:48:49

Speaker 1: Okay,

00:48:51

Speaker 1: thanks to everyone for sending in your questions, you can submit your question to awesome etiquette at Emily post dot com. You can also send them in via Facebook and Twitter. Just use the hashtag awesome etiquette so that we know you want your question on the show.

00:49:09

Speaker 1: You hear that? She says. You're not as ruedas you used to be. Oh,

00:49:25

Speaker 1: today's

00:49:26

Speaker 2: alternative etiquette segment comes from a writer at Forbes magazine named Rob Oscar, and he wrote the article last year called 27 Etiquette Rules for Our Times, and he started off with a sort of a fun look at the role that etiquette plays and civilization. They looked at Cem Cem classic etiquette texts and then went on to suggest 27 new etiquette rules for our times. And this this is, ah, list that comes up when you Google search the word etiquette. It's on that first page of results where you also find Emily post dot com, and I'm always curious what's on that first page of Google search results around etiquette. So

00:50:01

Speaker 1: this is

00:50:01

Speaker 2: one of things that comes up is on our radar. It's a fun little article on busy, and I find ourselves agreeing with most of it. So

00:50:07

Speaker 1: Lizzie and

00:50:08

Speaker 2: I are going to do one of our rapid fire etiquette segments on the 27 etiquette rules for our times with a real nod. And thanks to Rob Askar over at Forbes. All right, let's begin.

00:50:18

Speaker 2: Number one texting. Hey,

00:50:20

Speaker 1: I'm running

00:50:21

Speaker 2: 20 minutes late is not as acceptable. Is making an effort to be on time.

00:50:25

Speaker 1: True, but texting that you will be five minutes late is better than not texting anything at all. Agreed? If you can't attend an event that you're formally invited Thio, don't think that not R S v P ing is the same as declining and don't r S v p at the last minute. For an event that involves riel planning by

00:50:44

Speaker 2: the host, True could not be more true. Sing it from

00:50:46

Speaker 1: the mountain. Show some decency

00:50:49

Speaker 2: around the office refrigerator. If you didn't put the food in, don't eat it and take your leftovers home or throw them out before they morph into some radioactive nightmare.

00:50:57

Speaker 1: Definitely true. And this comes right after loud telephone talkers and cellphone chatters as some of the biggest etiquette complaints about co workers.

00:51:06

Speaker 1: Don't bellow on your cell phone. Just because you can't hear the other person well, doesn't mean the other person can't hear you. Well, obviously true.

00:51:14

Speaker 2: And if you think about the answer, the previous question. One of the biggest complaints about co workers at work Turn off the phone at the dinner party. Be in the moment. You're annoying. At least one person who thinks you have no social skills bare minimum turn off the ringer so you can text and conspire in relative stealth.

00:51:30

Speaker 1: True, up until that part, I would say, Please try to leave the texting behind just for a few hours at least.

00:51:36

Speaker 2: Please, please. And I'll add step outside or to another room. If you absolutely have to do it.

00:51:42

Speaker 1: Remember that if you feel a need to respond immediately toe every incoming text, you'll lose more in the eyes of the person who's in front of you. Then you'll gain from the unseen people who are benefiting from your efficiency.

00:51:54

Speaker 2: Absolutely true. Think about our previous answer, and also remember, texting can be just as bad as calling if someone feels ignored. Darn right.

00:52:01

Speaker 2: Number seven. When you get to the front of the line at Starbucks. Don't tell the barista toe wait while you wrap up your phone discussion. The barista hates you. So does everyone behind you, and they're hoping the barista spits in your latte.

00:52:12

Speaker 1: True, True, True and true.

00:52:16

Speaker 1: Number eight. If you come late to an exercise class, don't think you're entitled to barge your way to your favorite spot in the front. And don't block others from the weight racks or other equipment. Just step back 3 ft. Make everybody happy. Thats is true,

00:52:31

Speaker 2: I think. Definitely don't barge in. Take the least disruptive place remaining. I'm not sure what the 3 ft has to do with it, but it

00:52:38

Speaker 1: is either. But be

00:52:39

Speaker 2: careful when you come to class late. Absolutely. Uh, number nine. Keep personal conversation and arguments off social networking sites. The dramatic airing of grievances is best done through

00:52:49

Speaker 1: SMS. Well, the first part's true, but the second part is balls. It's funny, but it falls difficult. Stuff should not be avoided by texting. You really need to get a spine and pick up the phone and talk to someone or see them in person number 10. Moderate. Your use of cameras and video at events. Enjoy your time with colleagues, friends and family in the present and preserve only a memento for the future rather than recording the entire thing to relive later in some free time that you'll never actually have

00:53:20

Speaker 2: truer words have never been written or passed your lip

00:53:24

Speaker 2: number. 11. Remember how easily e gossip can be forwarded along to the wrong person?

00:53:29

Speaker 1: True. And what a great reminder I'm looking at you Facebook friends number 12. Just because you're wearing headphones doesn't mean you can tune out from social courtesies. For example, if you accidentally cross someone's personal space, apologize graciously true, and

00:53:46

Speaker 2: then some take out earbuds to offer that apology. It will definitely give it more meaning and cut this one off in the past. Take him out when you're about to talk to your check out person. A good one.

00:53:56

Speaker 2: Number 13. Don't lend someone a book or item unless they specifically asked for it. They're probably too busy to ever get around to it. They'll feel guilty about that, and you'll be annoyed that they didn't appreciate it or even get around to returning it.

00:54:08

Speaker 1: I never I'm frankly I'm stuttering because I'm surprised this one made the list is such a weird one. But, I mean, I guess it's it's true, you know, like, yeah, don't lend stuff out. If you're just gonna be annoyed that it didn't get used to appreciate it the way you wanted

00:54:22

Speaker 2: it. Because you love twilight

00:54:24

Speaker 1: doesn't mean everybody else will. Number 14 Don't r s v p for an event and then not show. Now you're not Wait, hold on. I need to clarify. I'm stopping this one in the dead middle. R s v p ing for an event does not mean responding. Yes. That means

00:54:41

Speaker 2: you're going. Don't

00:54:42

Speaker 1: bond. No, but that's not the case. R s V P stands for response, please. It does not stand for respond only if you want to go. Don't respond. If you don't wanna go, it means respond. Tell me whether you can come or not. So even this one I don't buy because I'm like it's you. You? Yes. R s v p for an event. But if you r s v p no, then yes, you won't be showing. Um anyway, 14 don't r s v p for an event and then not show it should be. Don't RSVP yes, for an event and then not show. Now, you're not just being rude, but you're costing the host money. And you probably kept a lonely soul from being invited as

00:55:20

Speaker 2: a backup. True R S V P. Etiquette rules the ruse.

00:55:25

Speaker 2: Number 15. Don't be the first or second person to talk on your cell phone in a public space, like a bus or a train. If everyone's doing it, you're allowed some slack here.

00:55:33

Speaker 1: True Falls through falls. I'm joined here. How many wrongs make a right? Good question. 16. Don't show up at a party empty handed unless you've been instructed to. And sometimes not even then bring wine or dessert or a plant Always busy. I think that's debatable. I think you could definitely show up a close friends and family houses without anything and be just fine.

00:55:57

Speaker 2: I remember when you found that clip of Emily.

00:55:59

Speaker 1: Emily was like, Why are you bringing something? Are you bringing a hostess gift? You trying to buy your dinner

00:56:05

Speaker 2: number 70 and use your turn signal at least 50% more than you use your middle finger.

00:56:10

Speaker 1: True and hard to argue with a low minimum like that all day. I'll take it as the floor and try to raise the ceiling. 18. Don't make your dietary requirements Everyone else's dilemma. As one friend reminds me, People who can't eat dairy don't just keep coconut oil based butter around.

00:56:27

Speaker 2: True, we saw food Allergy etiquette Coming is a trend about 10 years ago, and it is definitely arrived.

00:56:34

Speaker 1: And also, if you do want some advice on how to handle being a guest with a food allergy, our new etiquette bite is on that. So look for it on our YouTube channel.

00:56:43

Speaker 2: Number 19. If your Children are invited to a friend's house to play, then they and you should also feel invited to help with the

00:56:51

Speaker 1: cleanup. True, parents and friends need to share responsibilities. Number 20. Don't break up with someone by text and don't announce the death in the family by text. There are still times when phones were face to face or the best way to

00:57:04

Speaker 2: go Absolutely true. Now let's all go apologize.

00:57:08

Speaker 1: I certainly hope you haven't been telling people about deaths in

00:57:10

Speaker 2: the family via text

00:57:12

Speaker 2: number 21. Don't take photos for posting on the people of Walmart Page.

00:57:18

Speaker 1: I am. I have not seen the people of Walmart Page, so I'm not sure what this refers to, But it sounds true.

00:57:26

Speaker 1: 22. Don't discuss sensitive personal issues on Facebook, especially if you friended coworkers. Absolutely.

00:57:34

Speaker 2: Your dog is cute Number 23 but he or she doesn't have a pass to go anywhere. I'm a huge dog lovers as one colleague, but don't assume it's okay to bring along your dog to my house. I could barely stand with my own dogs due to my house. I also don't like people who bring animals to Petco. Seriously. Do you think your dog likes to shop? It's just you seeking attention. You probably don't even need anything at Petco. You're just there because you could bring your dog and you think it's cool to bring a dog out in public. Dogs don't shop. They would rather be sniffing the P on the trash can outside by the front door than walking on slippery retail flooring.

00:58:04

Speaker 1: There is not enough time for me to list how false this one is like Wow, they just assumed so much about dog lovers like and this is coming. Obviously bias Lee from somebody who brings her dog everywhere. I mean, he's sitting in the studio right now, but that is a load of BS. I'm just gonna say American downright un American. And we we live in in a town in a state where dogs I mean, I could bring my dog to my coffee shop like it's and dogs

00:58:30

Speaker 2: love Petco there treats that things to smell and other dogs

00:58:34

Speaker 1: Well and frankly, dogs love being with their owners. I don't think that you give a dog a good life when you just bring it into your home, leave it for 12 hours a day and then pet it when you feel like

00:58:45

Speaker 2: so, a longer answer to a longer question.

00:58:47

Speaker 1: Question

00:58:48

Speaker 1: number 24. Double check that your headphones air plugged in before streaming your favorite Spotify station.

00:58:54

Speaker 2: True. Yes, please. And I'd like to also add the advertisements that auto play sound or video are equal offenders here and there. The definition of route number 25. Don't say I'm having a party. Bring your own food and drink. That's not a party.

00:59:10

Speaker 1: True. And don't write an invitation for an event where people have to pay their own way.

00:59:16

Speaker 1: Number 26. If you've been invited to an event, be reluctant to ask for an upper ceiling on how many friends and relatives you can bring

00:59:24

Speaker 2: true and then some you don't ask for, plus ones.

00:59:27

Speaker 1: No. And I mean, obviously, when it comes to very close friends and family, it is okay to let them know someone staying with you for the weekend. Or, you know, of someone who doesn't have anyone to celebrate a holiday or something with its okay, but tread lightly,

00:59:41

Speaker 2: indeed. And finally, Number 27. The classic still apply. A working mother offers a quick review. Here, chew with your mouth closed. Don't talk with food in your mouth. Keep your elbows off the table while eating. Wash your hands. After going to the restroom, you bump into someone say, Excuse me, don't reach across someone's face. Don't board a plane when they're loading group and you are in Group D. Don't stay hid behind the crosswalk when you're making a left turn and thus prevent anyone else behind you from turning. Don't let your kids act like wild monkeys in a restaurant. Don't touch someone's belly when she's pregnant or even when she isn't. Don't leave cupboard doors and doors open. Someone get hurt and don't pull up to the exit gate in the parking lot without your ticket Handy. True and thanks, Mom,

01:00:17

Speaker 2: I

01:00:18

Speaker 1: was supposed to say True and thanks, Mom. Oops. Oh, well, those air all definitely fun. A lot of good pieces of advice, One ridiculous piece of advice. Still feeling bad about the dog thing? But we were so glad to have found that,

01:00:33

Speaker 1: and we hope that you enjoyed it, too.

01:00:39

Speaker 1: Social courtesy does pay, doesn't it? Thanks.

01:00:47

Speaker 1: Each week we like to end our show on a positive note with an awesome etiquette salute to someone who is out there making the world a nicer place. And since it's playoffs, we decided to take a salute that was sent in via Twitter. Bonnie had tweeted an article from The Wall Street Journal about the compliment. Happy quarterback Andrew Luck. Luck plays for the cult's now, but all throughout his career he has made it his M O to congratulate and praise players for sacks, tackles and really anything he feels is praiseworthy on the field in sort of a twist of irony. He leaves his opponents sincerely confused, some even frustrated. Many say they want to hate him, but it's so darn hard when he's so darn nice. Teammates, old and new both attest to his good guy genes, but they also say that they don't think it's 100% innocent. He knows it gets to the other guys, but all agree that his primary purpose is to be sincere and appreciate a good game and good solid plays all around. So, Andrew luck. You may not be a saint or a patriot, but we are still fans of your style. Oh,

01:01:53

Speaker 1: well, now, wasn't that better?

01:01:56

Speaker 1: Look at the effect of a little collective way.

01:02:03

Speaker 1: That's our show for today. Thank you so much for listening. We hope you have a wonderful week. Remember that we love to hear from you, so send us your questions, your etiquette salutes and your suggestions to awesome etiquette at Emily post dot com. If you like what you hear, then tell the world tweet it, Facebook. Post it. And of course, you can subscribe on iTunes and leave us a review. This is no

01:02:26

Speaker 2: shut up and Listen, podcast, we want to hear from you. You can find us on Facebook. Where? The Emily Post Institute on Twitter. I'm at Daniel Underscore Post.

01:02:34

Speaker 1: And I'm at Lizzie a Post.

01:02:35

Speaker 2: Or you can visit us on our website. Emily post dot com. Our theme music was composed and performed by Bob Wagner,

01:02:42

Speaker 2: actually.

01:02:50

Speaker 2: What?