Episode 276 - The Buffet

00:00:06

Speaker 1: maybe it's just that you don't know how to use social goodness. See that's old fashioned,

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Speaker 1: Watch how busy post and then post to act as host and hostess. They know that courtesy means showing respect, thinking of the other person, real friendliness.

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Speaker 1: Hello and welcome to awesome etiquette where we explore modern etiquette through the lens of consideration, respect and honesty. On today's show, we take your questions on unexpected extended stays buffet etiquette X is not being an easy topic and group gift credit and who gets it for awesome etiquette sustaining members. We talk about a very sweet mom to be who wants a baby shower and wants it her way plus your most excellent feedback etiquette salute and a postscript segment on combating holiday stress. All that. Coming up, awesome etiquette comes to you from the studios of Vermont Public radio and is proud to be produced in Burlington Vermont by the Emily Post Institute. I'm lizzie Post and I'm dan Post sending, Hey, here we go and made it in minutes,

00:01:14

Speaker 1: get a deep, you're so generous, I did not make it in, I was late lately, but I appreciate the smile on your face when you do so fun to tease you about stuff because you laugh right along with it and that's

00:01:26

Speaker 1: people, you know, wonder what it's like doing a two person business with a lot of different branches for it. And I've got to say we get along really well because we do tend to laugh

00:01:36

Speaker 1: at the things like, like when one of us is avoiding a certain kind of work, we kind of tend to laugh, how do we go? I know what you're doing, I know why, I totally get it, get it done, I see the totality of you and I appreciate this moment within that totality. There's a, there's a lot of that that goes on and I love, I love the part last week when I said, oh, we've got to move the podcast earlier, Is that okay? We'll work and dan pipes up. Yeah, that will totally be even better. That would be great for me. Yeah, it will be great for dan and he still shows up late. It's so great. Okay, now I'm red now I'm flushing.

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Speaker 1: Tell them the best part makes you in the holiday mode, Right? Tell them about the tag. You know, the best part was So dance, getting set up at the mike this morning. And sure enough, the tag to his clothing that, you know, clothing tag that's still on there from the store is popping out and moving around like a little like tail.

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Speaker 1: It's great. Not together. No, I'm just glad it didn't turn out to be like a gift that pooja had hidden for you, that you managed to just grab on your way out the door. Well, this is a good segue into the holidays are

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Speaker 1: coming. The holidays are here here for those celebrating christmas. This airs christmas week. So yeah, this is a, this would be the christmas week show and you and I have now completed our last week of work and we are relaxing. I hope so. May I hope that's what the weekend ends up being us completing things and relaxing and chilling out. I'm really excited because as long as everything goes according to schedule, I'm actually going to fly down to new york city just after christmas

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Speaker 1: and it's gonna go be on the Today show. So, fingers crossed these things can sometimes get canceled last minute, depending on what happens in the news cycle, that sort of thing. But fingers crossed the, on the Morning of New Year's Eve, tune in to NBC's the Today Show and hopefully we will be talking about manners

00:03:28

Speaker 1: for 2020. So I'm curious about manners for 2020 but I'm even more curious. Do you have a New Year's plan for the big city? I don't, I actually don't know if I'm going to stay in the city or if I'm going to come home, I haven't decided what I'm going to do yet and I probably need to decide really soon if I'm going to make sure I find a place to stay in the city. Part of me thinks it would be fun. Part of me thinks it would not be. I know and it's just, it's that the tug between or do you want to be out in social and in the chaos or would you rather be in a more relaxed, you know, relaxed, quiet atmosphere or do you want to be home and in the chaos or you know, log on the fire Times Square's on tv. Yeah that's what dan is going to do for sure.

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Speaker 1: But this is christmas week still one big holiday to get through. I'm really excited because of my household, we have a 2.5 year old now and he is so much fun. My nephew Jasper, I am really excited to see him light up over christmas this year.

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Speaker 1: I've been told not to expect too much though dan, the dad over here has has also told me he's like sometimes they like don't get into the present and write a friend whose child walked downstairs and they said you know santa came, do you want presents like we're gonna do presents? She said can I have some cornflakes? Like totally ignored christmas, it's the second president that is the one that captures their imagination and then that's it. They're interested in that and

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Speaker 1: there we go.

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Speaker 1: And that's just it. But you never know what president that's going to be. So what's it going to look like at your house? Because you all are hosting our big post family christmas this year? We are and we're looking forward to it. Putin. I have a couple of surprises for the girls. Well, initially and I can tell you and

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Speaker 1: our entire audience, Okay, So everyone is now sworn to secrecy because our family just, you know, does not listen to our podcast. This is like the safe zone.

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Speaker 1: We're in the vault with our audience. This is a good check, right, john sending will listen, but he's in on this one. Okay, good. So

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Speaker 1: we have been thinking about building gingerbread houses. So having like a gingerbread building station would construct some sort of little village or house that everyone would add to.

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Speaker 1: Got a little complicated. So we're going with a cookie decorating station is a great idea. That's really cool. That'll be really fun. I was going to say really good to dial it back from the gingerbread house because when you've got Uncle Billy and Uncle Peter and Cousin Pete together, what would start to happen is that they would all run and get the lifesavers story books out of the stockings and they'd used them to make stained glass windows for we need to shatter them and assemble them. Like someone would break out a plumb line at some point. It's so funny because as I was leaving the house this morning, I was talking with pooch and I was saying,

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Speaker 1: I'm just picturing Uncle Bill making the perfect christmas cookie and then calling it someone over and be like, look, look, look what I mean. Anyway,

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Speaker 1: it will definitely happen. I like that. So that's okay. So that there'll be a cookie cookie decorating station at your house. We're going to do the big dinner down at your parents house. Right? Yeah. So there'll be a change of venue kind of mid afternoon. We'll go from shrimp cocktails and bloody marys and sugar cookies too.

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Speaker 1: Sit down meal that Cindy and john are going to host. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I hope your mouths are watering and I hope that for those of you that are going to be celebrating christmas this year that you are getting really excited about the celebrations you will be attending.

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Speaker 1: It's certainly a really fun time and it's the holiday that dan and I actually get to spend together. So it's really fun for us. So happy holidays from lizzie and I and whatever you're celebrating

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Speaker 1: this winter, we hope that you're having a wonderful holiday season. Now.

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Speaker 1: Shall we get to some questions? I like that idea. Let's do it.

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Speaker 1: Mm hmm,

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Speaker 1: awesome etiquette is here to answer your questions on how to behave. If you have a question for us, you can email it to awesome etiquette at Emily Post dot com. You can leave us a voicemail or text at 802858 kind. That's 8028585463 on twitter. We are at Emily Post inst on instagram. We are at Emily Post Institute

00:07:38

Speaker 1: and on facebook we are awesome etiquette.

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Speaker 1: Just remember to use the hashtag awesome etiquette with your posts so that we know you want your question on the show and sustaining members, Remember to put sustaining members somewhere in your message. Will answer your questions on the sustaining member site now at patreon dot com slash awesome etiquette,

00:07:56

Speaker 1: where you can access and adds free version of the show and all your bonus questions.

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Speaker 1: Our first question today is titled Extended stay dismay, Hi lizzie and dan. I recently encountered a tricky etiquette situation and hope you can help me better navigate similar situations in the future. I work for a very small company in a senior leadership role.

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Speaker 1: I have been with this company for three months, with most of our work occurring remotely due to the fast paced startup environment,

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Speaker 1: team travel and the absence of a traditional office environment.

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Speaker 1: Recently, after a team meeting,

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Speaker 1: a junior co worker asked if she could come over to my home

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Speaker 1: knowing the pain of dealing with local traffic and that she lives with roommates who might make it challenging to work from her apartment. I of course welcomed her thinking we would close out the work day and then go our separate ways.

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Speaker 1: She ended up staying for two days.

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Speaker 1: This was entirely unprompted and while I didn't directly ask her to leave, I mentioned several times that I am juggling multiple projects, important meetings and home life tasks that keep me occupied.

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Speaker 1: I've never been alone with this coworker beyond walking to our cars together and found her insistence upon settling in for an extended stay quite uncomfortable. I cherish my time at home as both my partner and I travel frequently. I also need focused work time in order to perform in my role

00:09:23

Speaker 1: while she seems more comfortable chatting throughout the workday and bouncing ideas around every few minutes.

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Speaker 1: How can I graciously set boundaries for my home and my time while still making people feel warm and welcome. Any suggestions on politely managing co workers who may have different ideas about professional conduct?

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Speaker 1: Thank you for providing such a helpful resource. Best extended stay, dismay. Oh yeah rosa I know extended stay dismayed.

00:09:51

Speaker 1: Do not be disheartened. This is a relatively easy fix. I'm glad you think so. This is a rarity to this is like this does not, this does not happen often you are signaling that you have something to add, I have to mention. Yeah,

00:10:04

Speaker 1: you and I are so fortunate. One of the great hazards of A Q. And A format show like this is that people send in prank or false questions and we don't get many of those. We don't have to filter or sieve out the

00:10:18

Speaker 1: exaggerations. The salacious, the just crazy scenarios that probably aren't true. This one almost had my radar up. It was so far out of bounds. I was saying I don't I think this is a real scenario but the conduct described the behavior. The scenario seems so

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Speaker 1: improbable in some ways because it really seems unrealistic that a coworker would think, oh I can crash stay for two days for two whole days and not pick up on any of the hints about like things are really busy, you know? And I'm imagining however strong those hints were that there is this

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Speaker 1: just entire miscommunication of one person who's just operating on one plane instead of assumptions and another operating on a completely different set of assumptions and they're just not

00:11:03

Speaker 1: hearing each other with my own assumption. I go in and guess that I really think this must have happened somewhere in the ask of can I come over?

00:11:13

Speaker 1: There must have been something either that the co worker had intentions to say and stay for two days and didn't quite get the words out but certainly meant it or thought they had in some way. Like thought they maybe had explained that things were really bad at home and they needed a place to get away for a couple of days

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Speaker 1: but didn't actually end up asking, may I please stay at your house for two days. What I think is really fascinating here too though, is the split between the idea of who you can lean on for something like this because our question asked her extended stay dismay is saying, we've only like walked to our cars together a couple times. Like this is not like

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Speaker 1: my mentee, this is not like someone I bond with work long, hard hours with regularly. Probably like it fascinates me that this felt comfortable to the person doing the asking. I'm also wondering a little bit if there's a generational thing happening here are question Askar

00:12:13

Speaker 1: describes themselves as being a senior leadership role and just the behavior, the living scenario, all the other elements of the person who's staying.

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Speaker 1: Tell me this is maybe a junior role of some sort maybe. But I want to ask are like millennial and younger audience out there than like way in, would you feel confident asking a coworker you don't really talk to that often to go stay at their house for two nights. And I'm guessing that that's where I think this really goes into this is super rare behavior. I think this person may never find themselves in this situation again. Like the ask was for future. What would I do in the future?

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Speaker 1: And I do think that and dan said right from the get go, there's an easy fix for this. I'm curious what your easy fixes and then I'll go with mine. It's okay to say it, it's okay to ask them to leave. I think so too. It really is. And you can do that

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Speaker 1: in a kind and gracious way, you can say listen, I've so appreciated having you. We've gotten so much done, it's really time for me to turn back to my life and let's figure out how to get you home. Here's my sample scripts are failing me, but you have to actually say the thing.

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Speaker 1: I think you have to address the fact that there was a miscommunication,

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Speaker 1: you know,

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Speaker 1: carol, I wanted to sit down and talk with you because I think there might have been a slight miscommunication, I just, I don't want you to feel awkward or two pressured, but I wasn't prepared to be hosting you for two or three days. I thought you were just going to stay for the evening or just for one night

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Speaker 1: and I'd love to talk to you about making arrangements to go somewhere else at this point or that gets kind of harsh at the end there. So I would adjust the end of that. But you get where we're going with it is that you recognize that you were under a different assumption of what was happening and you apologize for the miscommunication. One other thing that might help have that

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Speaker 1: sort of difficult or awkward

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Speaker 1: moment of conversation is to be prepared to also invite them to stay.

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Speaker 1: That if there is really something going on where for whatever reason, it's just incredibly impractical at this point for them to go anywhere else are expensive or whatever it is that unsafe. You might accommodate them for a night. But at least now you've set up that the

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Speaker 1: baseline expectation is that they don't stay and if you are making that accommodation you're making it for specific reasons and your

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Speaker 1: doing the best you can to help them with a difficult situation. But you set yourself up for

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Speaker 1: that. Not being a regular thing or something, they can just lean on

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Speaker 1: extended status. May we hope you never have to figure out the situation again? Now let's think back. What do we want to do next time? Choose your guests carefully, leave on time and courteously to thanking your host sincerely for the good time you've had.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: Our next question should be helpful over the holidays. It's about buffet etiquette.

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Speaker 1: Hi lizzie and dan. We often go to one of the two resorts in town which have an upscale buffet. I have a few questions concerning buffets,

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Speaker 1: since everyone is coming back to the table at slightly different times. When is it consider it to start eating. Should I stand every time a lady gets up to go back to the buffet, what is the proper placement of the used eating utensils? When I get up to get another serving? The attentive staff will clear my used plate, but sometimes leave the used eating utensils leaning against other utensils.

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Speaker 1: Thank you in advance for your consideration, john in colorado, john in colorado, I love the clarity of your questions number one, the question was since everyone is coming back to the table at slightly different times, when is it considerate to start eating? Usually we say when there's three or more people seated, that that's generally a good time to begin.

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Speaker 1: I think it really depends on who you're with and your family or your, your colleagues. I mean, it just so depends on the situation. You know, you may always wait for your spouse, you guys may decide

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Speaker 1: that you hit the buffet at different times and the line is really long and so you're, you know, it would almost be rude to ask somebody to wait. Uh It's gonna vary, you might say there's three people back, but there's only four other people at the table. I'm going to wait for that last person before I start, totally, totally. You could say one more person, not a big deal. I mean, you could we really could slices anyway. We want you guys.

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Speaker 1: So I think the thing that you want to do is that think about the situation that you're in, the people that you're with, if you know that any of them have some preferences, it's nice to consider those. You don't always have to bend to them, but you can at least consider them. And I'll give you a, for example, at the post family holiday gathering, it's pretty much tuck in as soon as you get your food and get back to your

00:16:47

Speaker 1: place. Absolutely. Second question, should I stand every time a lady gets up to go back to the buffet table,

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Speaker 1: this is kind of up to you and your own chivalry, Right? It's a little bit of a personal preference. I'm guessing that we're talking here about a social situation. This isn't business dining where we really strive for a gender neutral standard. If these kinds of gendered courtesies are something that you appreciate and the people you're eating with appreciate, you certainly may. And

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Speaker 1: it doesn't need to be a big gesture. It can be sort of a

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Speaker 1: an indication of a rise as someone comes or goes from the table. Here's the thing though, I wouldn't do it for one person and not others. If you're going to do it, you then just blanket, do this gesture.

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Speaker 1: It gets included. That I think for any time someone rises from the lady rises from the table, then not just if they're going back to the buffet, I can see situations where it's just not practical. It's a big table. There's a lot of people coming and going and you might look for those key moments, the moments when people really arrive at the start of the meal and

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Speaker 1: finish and leave at the end of the meal. Those might be your real moments of opportunity. Third question was what is the proper placement of the used eating utensils When I get up to get another serving? So when you're dining buffet style, you actually don't bring your used plate or silver or back up to the buffet with you. You leave it

00:18:10

Speaker 1: for someone to clear away if you want to go get seconds of anything or you go get a brand new plate and bring it back

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Speaker 1: and then it's in addition to the plate that you already have. Um we are in an interesting time in the world of service where some restaurants and some resorts and hotel chains don't remove dirty silverware, silverware that's been used from one course to another or from one buffet plate to another. They leave it for you.

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Speaker 1: Um, I think the idea is that you're saving on water and the amount of things that you're washing repeatedly

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Speaker 1: and the other style is that every time that you have dirty silverware and you're either changing courses or you're changing plates at the buffet that it is replaced with clean silverware.

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Speaker 1: That's my preference personally. I don't love the idea of the exact conundrum that john and colorado talks about, which is the used silverware is then placed either directly on the table or it's leaning against other clean unused silverware or it's leaning against a butter plate or a saucer or something and it's just,

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Speaker 1: it's sitting there, not kind of, it's dirty and it's basically on the table. It's not actually on the table, but it's pretty close. I think it's okay to ask for fresh silverware if you like that or prefer that. And I think it's also okay to pick up fresh silverware at the buffet if that's available situation, if that's how it's being distributed or how you get it

00:19:34

Speaker 1: as far as how you would place your utensils, place the same way you would at the end of the course or the end of a meal with the handles together in the bottom, right hand quadrant of the plate. It makes it

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Speaker 1: easy for the service staff both to see that you're not going to pick your utensils up and keep eating clearly. If you've left the table, it also makes it easy for them to reach down, pick that plate up, just put their thumb over the two handles might make it a little more likely that they take those utensils away.

00:20:01

Speaker 1: And if you do really care about having fresh utensils, it's okay to ask for them.

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Speaker 1: Love the questions though. I think this is definitely going to help out buffets over the course of the next couple weeks as people are out celebrating, especially for New Years. I feel like New Year's brunch is often a big buffet brunch. I feel like john in colorado and joy

00:20:24

Speaker 1: as joan is making plans for entertaining a few of her friends at a buffet supper. She asks advice well ahead of time.

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Speaker 1: She has learned that what is correct in terms of etiquette is also highly practical and logical.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: Our next question is titled currently His Missus

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Speaker 1: Hi lizzie and dan. My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for five. I am his second wife. Every time I see one particular friend of my husband, he brings up my husband's ex wife. He says things like how pretty she was or how smart she is, this friend and I seem to have a good relationship and he is not in contact with the X that I know of,

00:21:06

Speaker 1: but I always thought that it's rude to bring up someone's ex to their current. Am I being sensitive? Currently his Missus, I love the title held all is one word. Yes, I would feel a little miffed by this personally. I'd be like oh we always bring up sally. I'm going to trust my instincts on this one. It sounds a little strange but this one particular friend and without there being a particular connection it seems to come up often. It might not be

00:21:34

Speaker 1: an attack on currently his missus. I think it might be a little mental tick relationship. Just something that for some reason this is a stuck point in this person's mind and their relationship.

00:21:46

Speaker 1: So how do you address it? I had one thought yeah please because I'm full next I'm going to talk to my husband and see if they'll talk to this friend. I like that I like the go through someone else approach. I'm feeling I'm feeling like that would be a good thing to lean into today. It would feel like an easy ask for me if someone said to me, hey,

00:22:05

Speaker 1: could you start bringing up my ex in front of my current wife?

00:22:10

Speaker 1: It would just smooth things over a little bit. It would be a really easy thing for me to hear that and agree and say, oh, you know it didn't occur to me that I was happy not to do that. Exactly. Currently his missus, that's my best thought. And I hope that your husband is willing to accommodate this relatively small request

00:22:28

Speaker 1: in almost every group. You find him the troublemaker

00:22:32

Speaker 1: who hurts himself and the others around him.

00:22:35

Speaker 1: Mhm.

00:22:38

Speaker 1: What makes a person like mel act the way he does

00:22:43

Speaker 1: is the group ever involved?

00:22:47

Speaker 1: How would you cope with someone like mel in your group?

00:22:50

Speaker 1: Could you help him?

00:22:53

Speaker 1: What do you think?

00:22:59

Speaker 1: Mhm.

00:23:08

Speaker 1: Our next question is titled Group Gift Credit.

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Speaker 1: Good morning. I'm organizing some fellow parents to chip in and buy a gift for the teacher at our kids preschool, but it looks as though only a few will participate. There are about 12 families in the school.

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Speaker 1: My question is this what is the proper way to give credit for a group gift? When not all the members of the group have contributed? As in what should I write on the card to the teacher? Thanks for your help on this sincerely, Ben. Oh, Ben, we get this question so often

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Speaker 1: we understand where it comes from the etiquette. The answer is honestly, if

00:23:45

Speaker 1: you put it out there for everyone to participate in a group gift, not everybody did. It is going to look a little strange. I think when you have a gift from some members of the class parents and not everyone. So we think that the best thing to do is to put everyone's name on the card or just say from all of us

00:24:04

Speaker 1: and leave it as being generic.

00:24:06

Speaker 1: We happen to like when everyone is able to sign a card,

00:24:10

Speaker 1: if you can make that happen, do it when people say, oh, but I didn't contribute, you say we know you wanted to in spirit or you know, you know, the issue people sometimes come up with is when someone says no, I really don't want to be on the card, I don't want to be on anything. I don't like the pressure that I'm feeling and that's when you really do need to back off. And so if you get someone who is resistant to being on the car, just understand that you've given them every opportunity to participate and they've chosen not to.

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Speaker 1: Some people choose to run with that thought from the beginning and just write the card from only the parents that participated. But I think that personally, this is why I am not a fan of group gifts at holiday times for teachers and things like that, because I feel like if someone doesn't want to participate this, you end up in this kind of awkward situation of, well

00:24:55

Speaker 1: they had the option and they didn't or they couldn't.

00:24:58

Speaker 1: And are you singling them out? Are you punishing them? Are you giving the opportunity for them to participate in ways that they can?

00:25:06

Speaker 1: I mean it's just a, it's a very complicated thing for something that is so generous in nature.

00:25:12

Speaker 1: I'm weighing the degrees of participation and it kind of affects the answer a little bit. The idea of including everyone is if there are just a couple of people that for whatever reason don't participate, you don't want to single them out and sort of point them out.

00:25:26

Speaker 1: It can be relatively easy just to include those people. And it sort of smoothed everything over and it's a nice gesture or way to handle it.

00:25:34

Speaker 1: In this case,

00:25:36

Speaker 1: maybe the majority aren't participating. So that solution just starts to feel less like an appropriate smoothing of the situation and starts to feel more like a not honest representation of what's happening.

00:25:49

Speaker 1: And in some ways that's the danger of the group gift. I loved your idea of getting everyone to sign it because that sort of is a second pass around. Oh, what did we get? Oh, it's that, Oh, I haven't chipped in on that yet. Here, can I? What are people chipping? But I give you a little something to get someone to jump in in a totally natural and normal way. I might forget, I might be invited to participate, miss that opportunity. And then later on when I'm asked to help sign the card, I might say in fact, I would probably say wait a minute, haven't chipped in on this. I should offer again to do it. And optimistic.

00:26:23

Speaker 1: The generic signing of from all of us I think is a

00:26:28

Speaker 1: sort of a more honest approach to sharing the credit across the whole classroom. Even if

00:26:33

Speaker 1: only a quarter of third or even a smaller percentage actually got the group gift. The place where you run into trouble with that though is like, like we had said, if the person doesn't actually want to participate in this, they might have,

00:26:46

Speaker 1: they might have their reasons, they might not feel comfortable donating to teachers. And I know that sounds awful because a lot of teachers have not a lot of support and they're asked to do a lot from their own pockets.

00:26:58

Speaker 1: It was really apparent when I studied education in school and you saw how much teachers have to do to fund their own classrooms. So I do think gifts are appropriate, but that doesn't mean that it's the only

00:27:12

Speaker 1: only thought or only opinion or perspective out there and other people have to make other choices with their money and so you have to be respectful of that and does lumping everyone in,

00:27:24

Speaker 1: not respect that in some ways. So there's a lot to consider here. I'm glad Ben is asking these questions.

00:27:30

Speaker 1: Ben, we definitely are suggesting that you look at the group that you have, look at the situation that you're in. You might even want to ask some other members what they're comfortable with in terms of moving forward, because there is there is no one right answer to this one.

00:27:44

Speaker 1: Absolutely. As we think about a scaled answer among many possibilities, there are two other sort of extremes. We should touch one is

00:27:53

Speaker 1: if you just don't feel good about it any longer and you're not planning on giving this as a group gift, crediting everyone, only two people have signed in or to do it. You want to let people know, say, listen, there wasn't a lot of interest in the group gift this year. So we didn't go that route, but you let people know that it's not happening if you've already invited them to participate and you're not

00:28:12

Speaker 1: going to do it or follow through on it. That makes sense. My other thought is for the future. Get a little bit of buy in ahead of time. Circulate a little bit. Ask people what they'd be interested if they want to contribute. Hopefully with that

00:28:24

Speaker 1: preemptive touch, you're more likely to get

00:28:27

Speaker 1: more participation next season.

00:28:30

Speaker 1: Ben, good luck handling this difficult situation. We know it comes from a really good place.

00:28:36

Speaker 1: Mhm

00:28:37

Speaker 1: Thank you for your questions. Please send us updates, comments or feedback on our answers to awesome etiquette at Emily Post dot com. You can leave us a voicemail or text at 80285 A kind that's 8028585463 on instagram. We are at Emily Post Institute and on facebook we are awesome etiquette on twitter. We are at Emily Post instead.

00:28:57

Speaker 1: Just use the hashtag awesome etiquette in your post or with your feedback

00:29:01

Speaker 1: so that we know you want your question or feedback on the show

00:29:07

Speaker 1: and now it's time for our feedback segment where we hear from you about the questions we answer in the topics we cover today we hear from an in Seattle and amY in san Francisco.

00:29:17

Speaker 1: Hi first I'd like to thank you for your great podcast. I'm kind of an etiquette geek and I love your show. Way back while in elementary school I would read Emily post and miss manners columns in the newspaper. I have learned so much from you.

00:29:32

Speaker 1: I am a business owner that had to deal with the thermostat problem. We had a very thin woman who was our office manager. She also had an office with a large window. She would repeatedly raise the temperature above 80 degrees and she never put on a sweater.

00:29:47

Speaker 1: I was on maternity leave and didn't find out about the problem until I brought my new baby in to meet my staff. We also had a staff member who would turn the temperature down to 60 degrees. I solved the problem by contacting our property manager and they installed a locking plastic cover over the thermostat.

00:30:06

Speaker 1: I will tell you sometimes managing employees can seem like you're stuck in a perpetual junior high.

00:30:11

Speaker 1: Also, I find myself in a similar situation. Now I sit in front of basically a wall of glass, so most of the year I have to wear sweater in the winter months, I have to wear fingerless gloves.

00:30:23

Speaker 1: I keep a small space heater under my desk, so my co workers don't have to swelter. Thank you again for your awesome show. See what I did there And in Seattle. Oh and I like, I really like the solution of going to the lockbox over the thermostat and just saying, listen,

00:30:40

Speaker 1: as a company, I'm setting the heat. This is what it is. You cannot change it. Bring a sweater, bring a space heater,

00:30:46

Speaker 1: bring a fan, do what you need to do. But this is it, thank you and for bringing some clarity to a really challenging question.

00:30:53

Speaker 1: Our next pieces from AMY in san Francisco, hi lizzie and dan. I wanted to give some feedback for the bride, wanting to know if she could ask her sisters to be bridesmaids for her wedding.

00:31:03

Speaker 1: I wanted to offer some advice as someone who has had a few weddings, same guy,

00:31:08

Speaker 1: interesting and been a bridesmaid a few times

00:31:11

Speaker 1: one figure out what the duties will be beforehand and if possible, how much money it will cost, dresses, shoes, hair, makeup, add it all up.

00:31:21

Speaker 1: Two,

00:31:22

Speaker 1: ask them the bridesmaids over email or in a letter where you outline the details of what is expected of them costs, etcetera,

00:31:30

Speaker 1: asking over email while less personal gives people time to think it over before they reply

00:31:37

Speaker 1: three, when asking phrase it as you could be a bridesmaid and usher do a reading etcetera.

00:31:44

Speaker 1: This gives the sisters the option to take part in the wedding in other ways without being bridesmaids. Hope this helps the bride to be Amy, in san Francisco. Amy this sounds right in line with a lot of our wedding advice and we know weddings are one of those times when people often meet Emily Post.

00:32:03

Speaker 1: Thank you for sending us your thoughts and updates. Please keep them coming. You can send your comment or update two awesome etiquette at Emily Post dot com or leave us a voicemail or text at 2858 K. I N. D. That's 828585463 It's time for our post script segment where we dive deeper into a topic of etiquette and today we're going to talk a little bit about holiday stresses the week. This is when things get nutty

00:32:28

Speaker 1: can right? It's like you've got people rushing around because they're actually going to be traveling places for the next two holidays that are coming up. You've got people rushing around for last minute gifts or last minute items for parties that they are headed to

00:32:45

Speaker 1: you're throwing. Yeah, there's oftentimes we're in a bad wet for much of the United States, at least we're in a bad weather sector. And so it's like, you're just, there's a good chance you're going to be dealing with snow or ice or freezing rain on the roads, not to mention people everywhere shopping all of the other people dealing with the same thing, and there's like, and then there's just

00:33:09

Speaker 1: stores are flooded with more people parking lots are more difficult to navigate and people are rushing around so they're bumping each other more. It's

00:33:17

Speaker 1: it's insane. And it's dark depending on how far north you are. It's dark at like 34 30. I'm exaggerating for 30 but really dark by 4 30. I like that your show notice it's real pooch gets real busiest time of year being a

00:33:34

Speaker 1: Yeah, therapist who has a mental health counselor and

00:33:38

Speaker 1: within that profession, it's a known thing that as you get closer and closer to the holidays, you get busier and busier and people need help relieving the stress. And one thing that we know is that stress does lead to rudeness and we know that rudeness can lead to more stress.

00:33:54

Speaker 1: I mean, just think about when you have a tough day where some of these places that we've just talked about are stressful places and you hear your brain it goes to the negative, it goes to that person's a jerk not. Oh, excuse me. Or you know, I'm never going to get out of here instead of It's OK. Yeah, yeah. Five people in line does take time. I am going to have to wait this out. You know,

00:34:18

Speaker 1: it is so easy to let us lead with that impatient me. First brain and etiquette can be a real, real helping hand this time of year. It really can in

00:34:31

Speaker 1: defeating or interrupting that negative feedback loop of stress, loss of awareness, rooted sensibility, stress, loss of awareness, rudeness, incivility. All cycling around and around, even within our own selves sometimes with our families, sometimes in our larger communities.

00:34:46

Speaker 1: I'm picturing like an etiquette arrow that pierces that cycle. You know what I mean? And it's like, it's got like, please and thank you and you're welcome and excuse me. And I'm so sorry written on it and like, it's just like, any time someone cuts you off, say, oh, you know, I'm glad I could provide a space for you, You know, not in a sarcastic way, but like, let your brain think those thoughts, you know, or like

00:35:08

Speaker 1: when, when you do have a moment you bumped into someone you turn around, you say, I'm so sorry, excuse me. I didn't mean to bump you.

00:35:15

Speaker 1: You know, it's not that hard and boom, it pierces the stress. Those magic words are magic and I love how your example, like teetered on the sarcastic and you were like, no, no, not sarcastic, genuine, genuine, genuine, sincere

00:35:31

Speaker 1: because that's where the magic comes from. It is that sincerity. It's that genuinely held and felt good feeling. And

00:35:38

Speaker 1: if you find that escaping you at any point, let this postscript be your reminder to stay calm, to relax yourself with a deep breath remind yourself that

00:35:51

Speaker 1: the whole purpose of the hustle and bustle is to create and carve out time to spend with others, to reconnect with yourself, your family, your friends

00:36:01

Speaker 1: to breathe deep and enjoy. And it is that connection that we find that is so meaningful and significant. And

00:36:10

Speaker 1: if it feels like it's a little far away, remind yourself that it's relatively easy to bring it back with those little etiquette arrows that my cousin described, piercing that that negative feedback loop

00:36:23

Speaker 1: be that agent of change be that good in the world. We know you can. That's why you listen to this podcast and we thank you for it. We wish you a very happy holiday season and we want to leave you with a little quote from Emily Post at the end of her life,

00:36:37

Speaker 1: she said about etiquette

00:36:39

Speaker 1: whenever two people come together and their behavior affects one another, you have etiquette etiquette is not some rigid code of manners. It's simply how persons lives touch one another.

00:36:49

Speaker 1: We wish you all the best as you connect with. What's important to you this holiday season.

00:36:55

Speaker 1: Yeah.

00:36:56

Speaker 1: Yeah.

00:36:59

Speaker 1: Yeah.

00:37:06

Speaker 1: Yeah.

00:37:10

Speaker 1: Yeah.

00:37:13

Speaker 1: Yeah.

00:37:17

Speaker 1: Mhm.

00:37:22

Speaker 1: Yeah.

00:37:23

Speaker 1: We like to end our show on a high note. So we turn to you to hear about the good etiquette you're seeing and experiencing out in the world and that can come in so many forms. And today we hear from john

00:37:35

Speaker 1: hello lizzie and Daniel. I want to share an etiquette salute to the team at the Seal Beach Animal Hospital in Seal beach California.

00:37:43

Speaker 1: I want to apologize in advance of the story. Maybe a bummer and not reflect recent holiday festivities, but this team exemplified consideration, respect and honesty in our interactions with them.

00:37:55

Speaker 1: recently, my cat kit was diagnosed with an aggressive tumor.

00:37:59

Speaker 1: This was missed by a previous exam at another hospital. So we sought out a second opinion at this location. When we went to them, they shared a candid and frank diagnosis and provided all options that were available. Unfortunately, the outcome was not positive and eventually we had to make a tough quality of life decision. Within a week of the initial visit,

00:38:19

Speaker 1: I'm saluting this team because of their balance of professionalism and compassion for my pet and my husband and me. As the owners

00:38:27

Speaker 1: receiving bad news about Kit and having to accept an unfavorable outcome was devastating and difficult to process.

00:38:35

Speaker 1: They were always honest about what was going to happen and what we should expect and when the time came a tissue hug and a hand on the shoulder while we said goodbye meant so much to help while we were grieving.

00:38:48

Speaker 1: A week later I received a condolence card from the doctor and one from the technicians with paw prints.

00:38:55

Speaker 1: You cannot imagine how valued we felt.

00:38:57

Speaker 1: I appreciate the etiquette and professionalism can also happen in sad situations. It is evident to me that this is the culture of the clinic and the doctors and technicians champion at both personally and professionally

00:39:11

Speaker 1: best john f.

00:39:13

Speaker 1: That's so sad, but so nice. It is so wonderful to see how etiquette can

00:39:18

Speaker 1: I think get us through difficult situations,

00:39:22

Speaker 1: john we're so sorry that you're dealing with this, but we're also really glad that you were able to find something meaningful and significant in this difficult situation. Thank you for sharing that with us

00:39:35

Speaker 1: and thank you for listening. Thank you to everyone who sent us something. Please connect with us and share this show with friends, family, and co workers. You can send us your next question, comment or salute by email to awesome etiquette at Emily Post dot com

00:39:49

Speaker 1: by phone. You can leave us a message or text at 802858 kind. That's 8028585463

00:39:57

Speaker 1: on twitter. We are at Emily Post Institute on instagram, we are at Emily Post Institute on facebook. We are awesome etiquette and the Emily Post Institute.

00:40:06

Speaker 1: Please consider becoming a sustaining member. You can find out more about this by visiting patreon dot com slash awesome etiquette. That's P A T R O N dot com slash awesome etiquette.

00:40:18

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00:40:23

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00:40:32

Speaker 1: Our show is edited by Chris Albertine, an assistant produced by Brigitte Dowd. Thanks Kris and Brigitte. Thanks Kris and Brigitte.