Episode 302: In the Garden

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Speaker 1: Maybe it's just that you don't know how to use social courtesy. That's old fashion.

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Speaker 1: Watch how

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Speaker 2: busy post and damn posts and act as host and hostess.

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Speaker 2: They know that courtesy means showing respect, thinking of the other person. Really Friendliness. Hello

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Speaker 1: and welcome toe Awesome etiquette,

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Speaker 2: where we explore modern etiquette through the lens of consideration, respect and honesty.

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Speaker 1: On today's show, we take your questions on people laughing aloud at their phones, inviting someone who's separated but not

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Speaker 2: divorced to a wedding,

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Speaker 1: sending thank you's for newborn gifts and responding to questions about your

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Speaker 2: engagement ring for awesome etiquette sustaining members. Our question of the week is about addressing unsightly objects in the neighborhood,

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Speaker 1: plus your most excellent feedback etiquette salute and a postscript where we explore Emily Post in the

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Speaker 2: Garden. All that coming up

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Speaker 2: Awesome etiquette comes to you from the studios of our home offices in Vermont and is proud to be produced by the Emily Post Institute.

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Speaker 1: I'm Lizzie Post

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Speaker 2: and I'm Dan Post Senning and these air the longest days of the

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Speaker 1: year they are, and they are for the for both of us. These air some of our favorite days, we love this. I'm a big I'm a big solstice person at both both ends. To be honest,

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Speaker 2: I know we we talk about it about twice a year, but this one's a little bittersweet. It's awesome, and it's all downhill from here. But the winter one is kind of miserable, but at least you're looking forward to something.

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Speaker 1: It's true. No, it's true. But what I love about summer is that I have so many good solstice memories. Last year my friend Philip Wolf was in town. He's a friend that I met through doing research on the higher etiquette book, and it's there have been solstice parties. There have been rituals, good intention set. And it's it's all based around this longest day of sunlight this day where we get the most chance to be out in this bright, bright, beautiful son. Not that we don't love the moon, but like it's a thing. And people like I've always loved cousin, that you also love the solstice as much as I dio. Well, if not maybe more when

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Speaker 2: you talk about the Solstice is that you remember. One of the reasons I remember it so well is that our grandfather Poppy Bill Post loved the solstices, and it was a point of connection for him and my father, his son in law. So I kind of watched that in law relationship. Find these little turning points my father used to send, ah, winter solstice bouquet that was always out during the holidays, like a centerpiece. And then the summer was usually some sort of opportunity for everybody to get together. But I very much think of those solstice gatherings, those early solstice gatherings that kind of planted the celestial event in my psyche as really coming from Poppy and my father.

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Speaker 1: Oh, that's so nice. I love that memory,

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Speaker 2: but the summer is

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Speaker 1: really

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Speaker 2: just starting. There's a few other things going on right now, and they're

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Speaker 1: kind of etiquette

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Speaker 2: related. I say other things going on in your in my lives. I've got a sister in law who is planning a wedding right now, and he's looking very different than the wedding she was initially planning, and

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Speaker 2: I find myself dispensing a lot of etiquette advice among very close family right now, because it's

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Speaker 1: not easy

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Speaker 2: this this thing that they're trying to dio

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Speaker 1: uh, it is not easy, and I can't imagine how brides are and their and their families, especially those closely involved in planning and wedding planners themselves, balancing just both a lot of the stress from just the current climate we have. I feel like you have to now say across the board, as well as the stress that comes from planning a wedding. You and I both know and you've heard us talk about it on the show audience that weddings are so stressful. And even the most organized level headed person can get just completely afraid when it comes to wedding, worrying about things you'd never think they would worry about or, you know, reacting in ways that you would never expect them to react. And I could just imagine that that is heightened right now for many, many, many people who are in the wedding planning process.

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Speaker 2: I have so much sympathy for pretty much everything that you just described. It's the details, but it's also all of those emotions that air layered on top of those details and

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Speaker 2: sort of teasing those things apart, figuring out when you're talking about the thing and when you're talking about all of the emotions. That the thing comes wrapped in is is not always easy. And e have appreciated having some experience having some of these conversations that I've had with you over the last week, where I've been employing a lot of the advice that I hear you dispense. And as we get to the intro this week, I wouldn't want to let it go by without thanking you just a little bit and acknowledging that it's been helpful.

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Speaker 1: Oh, thanks, because I'm so glad I'm so glad you think so. I feel like you having been through weddings, probably have a really good perspective. Um, but I thank you. I appreciate that. Well, do you think that maybe we should continue on dispensing etiquette advice and do so through answering some questions?

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Speaker 2: Let's get to it. Awesome etiquette is here to answer your questions. You can email them toe awesome etiquette and Emily post dot com. You can leave us a voicemail or text at 802858 kind. That's 8028585463 You can also reach us on social media on Twitter. We're at Emily Post. Ends on Instagram were at Emily Post Institute and on Facebook. We are awesome etiquette. Just use the hashtag awesome etiquette with your social media posts so that we know you want your question on the show.

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Speaker 1: Our first question is titled Laughing Out Loud Literally

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Speaker 1: Hi, awesome etiquette team. When someone laughs at their phone and doesn't say what they're laughing at, should you ask them or carry on as if it didn't happen? Thanks a non.

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Speaker 2: I want to know. I want to know what's so funny.

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Speaker 1: Please, please, please tell me E No. Okay, so I feel like the start of this question should be If you are looking at your phone among other people and you laugh and it's noticed, by all means fill everyone else in if you can or let them know. Sorry. Excuse me. I didn't mean to be distracted. Alright? Because then you don't put the other people in the position of having to ask, right?

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Speaker 2: I know. And it's the the ask that gives me a moment of pause where I I say to myself, it kind of depends. I would be curious no matter what. And if I was sitting there with you and you laughed at something that came in on your phone. I would in a heartbeat say what's going on? What's so funny? Do tell something like that.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, You dio you totally dio you often. The way you do it is you say what you got, What you got? What you got over there? That's what you say. What? You It's always like that money. What you got? What you got, What you got over there? Here's

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Speaker 2: the problem. If you were in a situation where someone else maybe shouldn't have been on their phone in the first place and by asking them after they laugh, exclaim, whatever react,

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Speaker 2: you're effectively pointing out that their attention is elsewhere. Theres the hint ist of a chance that it might be calling someone out for not paying attention or

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Speaker 2: being present the way they should be present.

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Speaker 2: I just offer that as a caution. Generally speaking, I want to share that mirth in particular. But there is one sort of other thing I might be thinking about, a sort of a high level etiquette concept plane.

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Speaker 1: I think that that tone is really important. So when eso my answer to this question was. It depends. You know, what's what's the situation and how are you saying it? So if the situation is, you know, among friends, casual group, someone's not like in the middle of telling a really difficult or intense story. You know what I mean? Like, I think, No problem. Ask. If they don't want to share, they'll let you know it'll be casual. You'll move on. Your relationship is probably close enough for that. But I was imagining if you were in a business situation and maybe it was even casual, you know, maybe just among colleagues. People are talking and you know, you look at your phone, you're all at the lunch table or something like that. Not really a scene happening right now, but in days of old, but you could see someone just choosing to ignore it. Just not getting into it with someone not trying to call it out. Just like this isn't This isn't a high stakes enough. Hang out to be worried about that kind of an etiquette faux pas, you know. But then I wondered about the person who wants to actually put notice on the rudeness, and that sounds more like

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Speaker 1: Oh, I'm sorry. Did you need to take that?

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Speaker 1: You know, or like Oh, it's okay. By all means, if you need to go pay attention to that for sure, it seems funny like, Oh, just yeah, just to me, it has yuck written all over it, you know? And we all have that desire to, like, call out of rudeness like that. But I think the more you can not not feed that urge not not, like, lean into it. I think there are times when you can use moments of teaching differently than that, you

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Speaker 2: know, because I couldn't agree more. This happens in such a moment. It's such a quick question. And yet it's so rich. I'm really glad that a non sent it our way. And I hope that this answer helps.

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Speaker 2: Do you remember about that?

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Speaker 2: Our next question is titled Separated but not divorced.

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Speaker 2: Hi, Lizzie and Dan. Thank you so much for your podcast. I look forward to it every week and appreciate the light that it brings to my world in these crazy times. My fiance and I are preparing our save the dates that I'm unsure how we should address a cousin of my fiancee's.

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Speaker 2: She has been separated from her husband for about six months and has moved back in with her parents. We do not know if they've begun divorce proceedings.

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Speaker 1: How might

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Speaker 2: we appropriately address her safe? The date, My understanding is that she should receive one separate from her parents as she is an adult, and we are extending a guest invitation to her as well.

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Speaker 2: But might we avoid awkwardness by addressing it to the family instead? Thank you for considering my question. Hope you and yours are safe and healthy. Shannon

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Speaker 1: Chanin. That's a great question. And I like the idea of really trying to think about you know how somebody might feel. And I know that could be a hard thing When you're guessing at things, I'm curious if you're able to do any family digging at all just to find out, you know, if one of the questions is, we don't know if they've begun divorce proceedings. Technically, they're still married. Even though they're not living together, it might be worth just asking the parents she lives with. If you don't feel like you can ask her directly, what might she prefer would she prefer the invite with the husband's name on it, which you prefer the invite with nobody. You know, I just think sometimes it's OK to kind of feel around and ask if you could get an answer. If you can't seem to get an answer. If you're really not close to this family enough to get an answer, then I would suggest proceeding with addressing a separate invitation but sending it to the parents house. I like the idea of putting the cousin and the plus one that you're wanting to give to her on a separate invite from Mom and Dad, and I think it both identifies her as an adult individual in the house. Even though we all know that you could do that via the outer and inner envelopes, we know that that's okay. I just think that this is a nice way when someone's going through a tough transition. It's not like they were really choosing to come home right now, you know, circumstances led to it. Let's make them feel that independence that I think might be helpful. Now

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Speaker 2: I agree 1000% because I like the idea of treating an adult with autonomy like an adult with autonomy and in particular, this living situation that strikes me as temporary most likely is not one where I would say, Oh, this is the like that the general condition that they live under. I'm still thinking of her or someone that I would want to get an invitation.

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Speaker 2: I like the idea of talking to the family, getting a sense for how they think that she's gonna want to be addressed. Or maybe they even have specific direction. And if nobody knows, I think you go with the best information that you have, which probably is the last name that she was using and you do the best you can. It might not be perfect, but most people are going to understand that it's a transitional time and

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Speaker 2: are gonna be understanding about that.

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Speaker 1: Shannon. We hope that this helps and congratulations on your upcoming wedding. Nobody

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Speaker 2: can just all of a sudden start being nice to others. It takes a while.

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Speaker 1: You have to try really hard on, get lots of practice, or it's easy to forget to be nice. E.

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Speaker 1: Our next question is titled Post Pregnancy Packages. Hello, my husband and I welcomed our second child, a boy Liam, into the world last week. Congratulations. Welcome to the world, Liam.

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Speaker 1: Uh huh. Many family and friends have been generous and sent gifts for both Liam and our two year old daughter. I plan to write thank you notes for each gift, but how much time do I have to send them? Is it rude to make friends who sent us gifts quickly after Liam's arrival? Wait a few weeks for their thank you notes, which I confess I was planning to do mostly for my own sanity.

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Speaker 1: As expected, Life is very busy, and I am very tired with a newborn, a toddler and visits from family. Does this give me some extra time to send thank you notes without waiting into rude etiquette territory? Any advice is appreciated. Many thanks. Tired Mama of two. Dan Dan, Help her out. Help her out. I

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Speaker 2: wanna ride up and dispense the sympathy like casting confetti shining hours or like a knight in shining armor, exactly

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Speaker 1: like an etiquette night of relief. On day, we will talk

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Speaker 2: about the history of chivalry again on this show. Also, there are reasons that those air images that come to mind. But I'd also like to share some really personal advice, some advice that I got from the grandfather that I mentioned loving the Solstice during the intro to this show. He used to say the best is the enemy of the good,

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Speaker 2: and it was something that was designed to inspire you to go forth and do the best you can and to not let perfection become the impediment to doing something that is worth doing too good. And it's not

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Speaker 1: that you

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Speaker 2: shouldn't strive for that perfection. It's not that the details don't matter, but it's a recognition of some of the realities that you map out in your very short question and that people are going to understand it is a really good idea. It is a nice thought. It is appropriate and in accord with all good etiquette to send thank you notes for those gifts that you've received. It's also entirely reasonable toe. Let yourself get a good night's sleep and to tackle them as best you can when you can, and I'm sure that people will appreciate

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Speaker 1: it most. Definitely. This does not need to be something that you're doing when you are extremely exhausted, it is something that both you and your husband can do. That's one thing is that it doesn't only have to be on you, and not that that's been suggested, but just just putting it out there, that that everybody I know everybody is tired, but everybody can do the lifting on the cards too, and, you know, use technology to your advantage. Here, send that quick. Thank you. You know, your package arrived, you know, can't wait to see what's in it or your package arrived. Thank you so much. Note to follow. You know, something like that is just that quick acknowledgment that at least lets the acknowledgement happened in the timely fashion that you're kind of worried about. Or that you're talking. You know that you're saying is too long to wait. You know, a couple weeks. It's not too long to wait a couple weeks. Plenty of thank you notes go out like two weeks after the gift or the item has arrived or the favor has been done. Things like that. Plenty of them, as you know on this show, go out years later. Although we know you're trying to avoid that. I would say Shoot a text message now or an email Now is a quick thank you. If you are able to get someone on the phone, great. If you can't, don't worry about it. And send those cards when you do have the time and you can give them the attention and the gratitude that they kind of are supposed tohave, you know, and take Take care of yourself first. Right now, this is new new baby territory you get. You get some breaks on the social etiquette front E. I mean, those were the

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Speaker 2: two most important thoughts one that it's a genuine and sincere expression of gratitude. And to that, you're taking care of yourself. And figuring out how toe work those two things together is

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Speaker 2: That's the grace. That's the poise that we're all looking for in life. Good for you, for participating in sharing that gratitude and good luck with those little ones.

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Speaker 1: Tired. Mama, too. We hope you get some good sleep. Yes, we do need these simple expressions all the time to show that we're thinking of the other person and showing respect that make up every day courtesy.

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Speaker 2: Our next question is about a reasonable ring.

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Speaker 2: Hey, Lizzie and Dan. I

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Speaker 1: had a

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Speaker 2: question about engagement rings. My boyfriend and I have decided on a beautiful cubic zirconia ring instead of a diamond. For multiple reasons. I live in active lifestyle work, a job where I'm uncomfortable wearing expensive jewelry,

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Speaker 1: and we have other

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Speaker 2: expenses we would like to save up for in the future. My question is how to respond to the inevitable questions of Is it riel? And how much did it cost? I've looked at your suggestions on the website regarding larger, expensive rings, but the sample language doesn't feel quite appropriate. I thought about responses like it's exactly

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Speaker 2: I've thought about responses like, it's exactly what I wanted, but I am not sure if this language will help shut down further questions. Thanks for any advice you can provide. I have loved listening to your podcast, and it never ceases to make me think about my interactions and reflect on my own life. Stay well, Anonymous.

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Speaker 1: Anonymous. Thank you so much for writing in. I love this question because it gives us a chance to be a little sassy. Dan. Oh, really? Sometimes, at least, I think it does. Sometimes I think you could get a little playful with answers when people ask what are essentially rude questions, but really common rude questions. They're so common that we kind of don't even they are rude, but everyone knows they happen. It's like in that territory, and I feel like you get to respond. I think kind of in kind. Like I think there's a playfulness you could bring to response. So if someone asks you, Is it really? I think you could say something like I'll never tell you know, like you could get playful with it in the moment and you could go the really bad pun route you know of like How much did it cost? As much has made sense. Ha ha ha ha. And that's like a bad joke. Intentionally bad intentionally. Not even a good pun. Okay, I have to

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Speaker 2: interrupt here for a minute. I will not let you call that a bad joke or a bad pun. That is hysterical. I have not heard that

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Speaker 1: shit. Dan likes it, guys, you know it's bad.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, that's probably true. You should be running for the hills right

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Speaker 1: now. Dance, Dad humor has gotten worse as he's gotten more of a dad. It's so great, but I do. I do think you know, these air things that Peggy Post recommends in her book, not these specific but in her book Excuse Me. But I was next. And

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Speaker 1: it's those kind of quicker answers to some of those more difficult questions or questions that are really awkward questions where someone might have for gotten Oops, that's kind of a rude question to ask, you know, I can think of like, Oh, how much did your house cost? Well, as you know, as much as we could afford and it's that it's a diversion you're answering. But you're also letting someone know I don't really want to go there, and anonymous is actually started to do some of that. They've said it's exactly what I wanted, and that's a I feel like that's actually a great line toe have in your back pocket. But you might need a few more like it that you need Thio. You need to have for some of these more specific questions I like. I'll never tell or, you know, I love the one toe. How much did it cost, You could say I actually don't know because it was a gift. And that's a really quick like Oh, that's right. Why should I know how much my fiancee spent on this for me? You know, it's it just and that's a lot of people go have these on their ring or buy it themselves. So maybe that's not true for you. Maybe that falls into the category of innocents lie or or little lie on Do you can decide if you want to go there or not, but just things to think about.

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Speaker 2: It's funny, because when you mentioned that maybe not even knowing how much it costs it made me sit up in my chair because it's entirely possible that you wouldn't have any idea. I I I just like the logic that the plane sense nous of it. You also know that while I sit up in my chair straight when I hear that I wince a little bit at the idea of, uh, intentional deception

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Speaker 2: correction, I like the idea of because this is really not an appropriate question. To begin with, You don't need to feel bad about

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Speaker 2: let's say, obfuscating or disassembling like other ways that you can avoid the topic dodging the topic without sort of putting yourself in that position of saying something that's not true or really deceiving someone,

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Speaker 1: not the truth. But I

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Speaker 2: really I like those mawr than I liked. The idea is that I had coming into this discussion, which were for, um, or earnest response, And I was thinking that all of the things that are included in the question are also really reasonable things to say. If someone

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Speaker 2: pursues the question that sometimes honesty's the best policy,

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Speaker 2: are

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Speaker 1: you kidding? That's a cubic zirconia.

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Speaker 2: Do you know how much a diamond that

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Speaker 1: size would cost?

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Speaker 2: Or I have a

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Speaker 1: really active lifestyle. I didn't wanna

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Speaker 2: wear expensive jewelry everywhere, so we went with something that I think looks phenomenal. But I don't worry so much about losing or damaging. And I think those air also things that you could say that someone was gonna here and say, Oh, I just got the answer to my question.

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Speaker 1: I think that's exactly it. Trying to hit that sweet spot between what you feel comfortable addressing, what you feel comfortable kind of moving away from and what you feel comfortable being totally open and honest about, and that will help you anonymous as you move through these conversations, and hopefully they will die down as sort of the engagement, then the wedding, and then you as a married couple, sort of our established in folks lives. I feel like it does. It is something that that doesn't. It's always around that excitement of the new and the thing just happening where people tend to kind

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Speaker 2: of overstep anonymous congratulations on your engagement and enjoy showing off that new

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Speaker 1: bring husband and wife, who have learned to give freely to each other into their family, have learned the secret of a happy marriage.

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Speaker 1: That kind of love is not new,

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Speaker 1: but not every man and woman knows where to look for it,

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Speaker 1: and the only place that exists

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Speaker 1: on themselves.

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Speaker 1: Thank you for your questions. Please send us updates or feedback on our answers. Toe awesome etiquette at Emily post dot com. Leave us a voicemail or text at 802858 k i n d. That's 8028585463 or you can reach us on social media on Twitter. We are at Emily Post Inst on Instagram were at Emily Post Institute and on Facebook were awesome etiquette. Just use the hashtag awesome etiquette with your social media posts, so we know you want your question on the show.

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Speaker 1: If you love

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Speaker 2: awesome etiquette, consider becoming a sustaining member. You can find out more about this by visiting us at patryan dot com slash awesome etiquette. You'll get an ADS free version of the show and access to bonus questions and content. Plus, you'll feel great knowing you helped to keep awesome etiquette on the air. And to those of you who are already sustaining members, thank you for your support.

00:26:17

Speaker 1: It's time for our feedback segment where we hear from you about the questions we answer and the topics we cover. And today we hear from Gillian about episode 301 and the question on personal questions for essential Workers.

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Speaker 1: Hi,

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Speaker 2: Lizzie and Dan. I have some feedback on the question about rude questions regarding pay in a customer service position that was addressed in Episode 301. I also worked at a small credit union in Massachusetts. I am in lending. I often sit down with members and talk about their finances as it relates to applying for a loan. More than once, I have been asked almost exactly the same questions confused in California described about my pay.

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Speaker 2: It has always seemed well intentioned on their part, but

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Speaker 1: it is very

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Speaker 2: awkward. I typically respond by saying something like, I am grateful This is a great place to work and they treat us well here. This is true in my case and sounds like it is also true for confused in California.

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Speaker 2: I am not sure if it is the culture of credit union, specifically because they're usually small, like a family type business that people feel more comfortable toe. Ask these types of questions. Our credit union has been around for almost 60 years now, and a lot of our members have been with us that long. And now their families, air grown and grandkids are now coming to us to buy homes, cars and do their general banking. If I think back, I would say it is usually a long term member who has asked me these questions, seemingly trying to gauge how the new CEO new meeting he's only been there for 30 years, laugh out loud is running the business.

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Speaker 2: Or

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Speaker 1: maybe because

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Speaker 2: I'm asking them personal questions about their finances, they seem to think it opens the door to asking me about mine.

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Speaker 2: I am sure other customer service workers get this question, especially in recent times with asking about the hazard pay. But working in the same industry is the question. Askar made me wonder. I love the show. Keep up the good work. Thank you,

00:28:11

Speaker 1: Gillian. Thank you so much for the feedback and offering us your perspective. Having had a lot of experience in this particular field, that this question was asked within, it's really helpful Thio here.

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Speaker 2: I was also curious about the part where Gillian reflected on how the fact that she had been asking these personal questions and because they were in an environment where they were talking about money and she was exposed to personal information about their finances of that almost worked the way in conversation that opened the door question often works. Oh, we're talking about money now, so it's okay. I can I can kind of ask a little bit or share a little bit more. Andi I think that's a really wise thought. I think there's probably something to it.

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Speaker 1: Gillian, thank you so

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Speaker 2: much for the feedback and thank you for sending us your thoughts and updates. Please do keep them coming. You can send your next feedback or update toe Awesome etiquette it Emily post dot com You can also leave us a voicemail or text at 802858 kind. That's 8028585463

00:29:21

Speaker 1: It's time for our post script segment, where we dive deeper into a topic of etiquette, and this week we're not actually diving into a topic of etiquette. But we are diving into the topic of the etiquette authority in our lives. Emily Post and because it is so springing out and all of us are getting our thumbs dirty in the dirt planting gardens, we actually thought that this essay, titled Emily in the Garden, would be a good one to share. Dan. Tell us a little bit about what it's about.

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Speaker 1: So this was one of

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Speaker 2: a series of essays that I wrote in collaboration with an intern named Catherine Henneman, who spent a summer at the Emily Post Institute Boy a number of years ago. Now that I really enjoyed and

00:30:09

Speaker 1: I know let's not let's so many e no right. They've all found a

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Speaker 2: home on their our website because they tell parts of the Emily Post story that don't always get told unless you're really doing a deep dive into the lower Claridge biography. And this particular essay on Emily's passion for Gardening struck Lizzie and I is appropriate for today. The peace begins with little intro to each of the essays in the Siri's that I'm going to include and then we're gonna dive right in.

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Speaker 2: Emily Post in the Garden begins Emily Post, a cultural icon and household name for countless Americans, remains known today for her timeless advice on entertaining weddings and all things etiquette. Yet many of her readers are unaware of the remarkable events that contribute to her own life story. We at the Emily Post Institute believe that the factual accounts and inherited tales of Emily Post as a person should not be for gotten

00:31:01

Speaker 2: our historical Emily Post. Siri's will present brief windows into the lesser known life and work of Emily Post in her contemporary moment

00:31:10

Speaker 2: after the publication of Etiquette in 1922 Emily Post quickly became known as a director and authority on the finer points of human interaction.

00:31:19

Speaker 2: But Emily Post role is a cultivator was not limited to the field of social life. The gardens of her Martha's Vineyard cottage remained today, a living testament to her devotion to the value of subtle details, which she demonstrated in her better known projects on etiquette.

00:31:35

Speaker 2: As with writing, Emily became deeply and emotionally invested in the process of gardening, her personality and inspiration emerging in the growth of her yard. Gardening was a hobby turned creative endeavor, Ah, process of mourning, a tourist attraction and, above all, a passion that Emily was to pursue for the rest of her life.

00:31:55

Speaker 2: Emily bought the cottage at 34 Fuller Street in 1926 and spent the next year preparing to remodel the property with one of her two sons, Bruce. With Bruce continuing the family tradition in architecture, the posts had eyes for intelligent design and landscaping.

00:32:12

Speaker 2: The two developed plans into early 1927 yet Bruce would not see the cottage grow into the vibrant summer retreat. It was to become.

00:32:21

Speaker 2: In February of that year, Bruce suffered from stomach pains that rapidly developed into a fatal case of appendicitis.

00:32:28

Speaker 2: The loss was devastating. After months of overwhelming isolation and grief, Emily began to mourn by holy, devoting herself to her work. One of her new personal assignments was to build the garden at the Fuller Street Cottage. In Bruce's absence, Emily was left as the sole designer of her plot. Yet his memory remained an integral part of its development.

00:32:52

Speaker 2: Her at once aesthetic and functional plans, echoed her late son's architectural frame of mind. And with this attention, the newly planted flowers of early spring 1927 began to restore life once again. After a bleak winter,

00:33:07

Speaker 2: Emily's gardening scrapbook reveals the meticulous planning, an emotional investment she dedicated to her plot beginning in 1927 but continuing years into the project she would pursue until her own death in 1960.

00:33:22

Speaker 2: The scrapbook, a hefty tome of thick drawing paper with a spine hand marked garden book, opens with a blueprint of the property, red ink and colored pencil designating the various times at which sunlight falls throughout the house and yard loose letters and formative articles, receipts for seeds and images of blooming flowers fit between the pages filled with her own notes, Emily tracked the weekly progress of her plants in diary style entries, demonstrating her excitement for the gardens growth. Clumps of Sweet William Thick is for double exclamation point.

00:33:59

Speaker 2: The second half of the book becomes a handmade encyclopedia of Flowers, complete with color charts and diagrams of arrangements.

00:34:07

Speaker 2: From these pages, Emily emerges not on Lee as a discerning architect but also as an attentive artist.

00:34:14

Speaker 1: I did not know, even though this project was done while I was at the institute, that Emily's Garden was a part of her dealing with her grief. It was certainly a garden that you and I Dan grew up playing in and loving, including the garden that you couldn't see from the front of the house. But that was on the inside inside yard of a house

00:34:35

Speaker 2: for a couple hours.

00:34:36

Speaker 1: Is such a such a beautiful space? Yeah, and to think about that as really being something that she created that that that was a process that was about her processing, you know, and moving through something and forward in life, life really does touch. Touch us all. You know it, Z, you're not. You're not immune from losing a child too young or anything just because you write an etiquette book. And it's a good reminder that Emily is

00:35:02

Speaker 2: a whole person, absolutely. And that garden scrapbook, which lives in our archives, is one of my favorite possessions from her. Of all of the pictures we have of her, it's the artifact that feels maybe the most personal in some ways, because it's it's the thing that she was passionate about. It just it comes through in the pages, in the hand drawn pictures and the notes and just the way she collected so much that was related to that garden and held on to it. Yeah, I really appreciated Catherine Henman's work, digging into the details and the origins of that garden that do and I both know and think so fondly of,

00:35:45

Speaker 2: and also her work connecting that garden scrapbook that is sort of prominent in our archive of her things, to a time in a place and a personality in a way that I thought was really well written and beautiful.

00:36:01

Speaker 1: Dan, thank you so much for sharing

00:36:09

Speaker 1: We like to end our show on a high note. So we turn to you to hear about the good etiquette you're seeing and experiencing out in the world, and that can come in so many forms. And today we have a salute from guy and I like this salute because it definitely involves Italy.

00:36:26

Speaker 1: Dear Lizzie and Dan. I just wanted to give a salute to the people of Sicily in Italy. We spent four weeks traveling around the island in December and had the most amazing trip. The people were so warm and kind and helpful, and I can't not mention all the amazing food we ate. We had no bad experiences. We felt so welcome and at home there. And we would definitely visit again. Off season. We can't recommend Sicily and winter enough love and best wishes to you and the awesome etiquette community guy guy.

00:36:59

Speaker 2: Thank you for this salute. I think this is our first salute to I was going to say country, but it's not really a country. Let's say, uh Island Autonomous Island, semiautonomous island. Thank you so much for the salute and for the excellent travel advice.

00:37:14

Speaker 1: Bravo. Thank you for listening. Thank you

00:37:18

Speaker 2: to everyone who sent us something and thank you to everyone who supports us on Patryan.

00:37:23

Speaker 1: Please connect with us and share this show with friends, family and co workers on social media. Or however you love to share your podcasts, you can send us questions, feedbacks and salutes by email. Toe Awesome dedicated Emily post dot com

00:37:38

Speaker 2: by phone. You can leave us a message or text at 802858 kind. That's 8028585463 on Twitter We're at Emily Post Inst on instagram were at Emily Post Institute and on Facebook Were Awesome Etiquette and the Emily Post Institute.

00:37:55

Speaker 1: Please consider becoming a sustaining member by visiting patryan dot com slash awesome etiquette. We really hope that you'll consider becoming a sustaining member and a big thank you to those of you who already are. You can also subscribe to the ads version of our show on Spotify or your favorite podcast app, and please consider leaving us a review.

00:38:15

Speaker 2: Our show is edited by Chris Albertine, an assistant produced by Brigitte Dowd. Thanks Kris and Brigitte.

00:38:21

Speaker 1: Thanks Kris and Brigitte

00:38:28

Speaker 1: Mhm