Episode 309 - Who I Am

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Speaker 1: Maybe it's just that you don't know how to you social

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Speaker 1: watch. How

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Speaker 2: busy post and damn posts actors hosting.

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Speaker 2: They know that courtesy means showing respect, thinking of the other person,

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Speaker 1: really friendly

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Speaker 1: and welcome toe awesome etiquette,

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Speaker 2: where we explore modern etiquette through the lens of consideration, respect and honesty.

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Speaker 1: On today's show, we take your questions on friends asking for baby bump photos, lunch dates who don't offer to pay etiquette for dropped calls, and a co worker who is rude to collars and those who enter the door

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Speaker 2: for awesome etiquette sustaining members. Our question of the week is about a wedding R S V p. That comes with essay questions,

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Speaker 1: plus your most excellent feedback etiquette salute and our final post grip segment for our Siris on doing a personal image assessment. All that coming up

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Speaker 1: awesome etiquette comes to you from the studios of our home offices in Vermont and is proud to be produced by the Emily Post Institute. I'm Lizzy Posts

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Speaker 2: and I'm Dan Post sending

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Speaker 2: welcome back because welcome back.

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Speaker 1: Well, thank you. And especially thank you to your mother who filled in a very last minute for me last week I was really, really grateful. But it is. It's it's funny to be back. And also I am very glad to be here recording on easier WiFi systems to record with you.

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Speaker 1: You were on the edge of civilization right on the edge. Yeah, I was. There is some difficulties last week that resulted in some were two weeks ago that resulted in summary recording. But it is. It's nice to be back. It's nice to have cell service and proper wife. I can't.

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Speaker 1: So what are you doing

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Speaker 2: with all that cell service and proper WiFi?

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Speaker 1: Hey, a lot of calling. You will tell you that A lot of calling you to catch up. In fact, yesterday I had the privilege, and I was so glad to do it because I got to say, cause working at home alone. It's I am starting to see where I'm not good and the spending two weeks in a house with my parents and we're trying to work like there were things that helped in things that hindered. But working around other people helps me. And so yesterday it was really fun to trek up to your neck of the woods and kind of have an outdoor e p I office day with you to go over one of our other big projects. That's underway right now and that is our website redesigned. Revamp Real aunt, What are what are we doing to it? Every build way? We are starting from scratch.

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Speaker 1: We're starting from

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Speaker 2: scratch and we have such a pile of material toe work from But we're scrapping so much of our old structure. We're scrapping so much of our old look it it really does feel like a fresh beginning, a new beginning, a chance to really build a site that we care about and like

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Speaker 1: I'm loving as I see it come together the look and feel of it for sure. I think audience you're gonna really love searching around for etiquette topics. In this, it'll be much easier Search to navigate. A lot of our more popular topics will be featured, you know, right up front and center. So you don't have to go searching for them. Um, but it's been really fun digging into the back end of our website and starting to populate things and and seeing how they come out with this fresh look and feel I'm really excited about. I think what this is gonna bring and tell tell her audience about the part that special for them.

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Speaker 2: Okay, so a couple of things. One I I'm picturing myself like Anisha who runs around the house with her magic fairy Juan and go zippity, zap, zap like touches things and they transform

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Speaker 2: a t least in her mind and I play along I can feel it

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Speaker 2: I feel like we're zippity zap zapping the website and one of the reasons it feels so good is you mentioned the new look and feel and I want to give you a lot of credit You did a lot of work helping build us a new brand book and

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Speaker 2: I've been doing a lot of applying of that brand book to the website also some to our training, resources and materials and pretty much everything that our new fonts and colors touch

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Speaker 2: starts to look so much better

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Speaker 2: and

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Speaker 1: amazing how that happens, right? We were stoked about these colors and looks, you know, 10 years ago, seven years ago. But like anything, the, you know,

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Speaker 2: style for the drapes change over time, or, uh,

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Speaker 2: and it's time. And if it feels really good and it's specifically, I'll tell you the color palette that you've developed, the broadened, our colors. We've gone from three to like seven.

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Speaker 2: That can sound like a lot, but it's really just lovely. They're soft and yet soft and braid at the same time. I can't wait for people to see him.

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Speaker 1: I think one of the things about our brand is we really do touch so many different aspects of people's lives. And I think you really want a color palette for our brand that can work with that. That can have the fun and the excitement of a birthday party or entertaining advice. You know, it can also, you know, be serious. And I think more thoughtful and considerate over in our business and things like dealing with difficult times sections. You know you don't want those to be bright coral and yellow.

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Speaker 1: I mean,

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Speaker 1: and then that's that gets into a whole artist side of me and subjective and color. Now, you know, just just how does the color make you feel? Um, thank you. Go on and on about that forever and be wrong. 12 different ways to Sunday. But it was nice to feel like we had

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Speaker 1: enough to work with that we could really kind of give life, I think, to the different sections and topics that we operate in with people and still have that look cohesive as a whole. So

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Speaker 1: it was. It was fun delving into it. It was part of what I worked on during the very early parts of the pandemic, and it's nice to see it in use now

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Speaker 1: of, and I'm just very excited about this website. Dan and I like we said, We've been populating the back end right now, getting articles up, getting all of our services up on all of our biographical information. But the thing I was teasing Wait

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Speaker 1: here. I'm like, Come on, shoe drop

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Speaker 1: is that we're making a home for awesome etiquette on our website, and it's not sort. I don't want to say just, but it's not just what we've had before, Dan, tell us why this home is different from the current home on Emily post dot com for awesome etiquette.

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Speaker 2: The easiest answer that is that the previous website, the one that I call it the previous website It's our current website, The website. Most people visit right now. What? Emily post dot com was built before we

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Speaker 2: had control over awesome etiquette before it was our own show. We were still working in partnership with American Public Media when we built the last version of our website, so we hadn't really made a home for it. Emily Post. It lived with American Public Media, and when we decided to take ownership of the show and start producing it ourselves, we built out a page for it at Emily post dot com because it it needed a home. But we didn't have a chance to work from scratch. So we didn't have things like individual pages for each show, or particularly a place for people who support the show or to help people figure out how to support the show. And for our sponsors.

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Speaker 2: Yes, and definitely some room for a sponsor's

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Speaker 1: way. Do we do want to keep the lights on over here It awesome. And again, that's for sure.

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Speaker 1: Um, I am thrilled with how things are coming. It is an exorbitant amount of work. Um, I feel like our heads were spinning, but in the in the right way. You know the way that makes you want to get the work done because you're really excited about the product. So awesome etiquette audience hold tight. Hopefully, within the next month or two, we're gonna have a beautiful space for you to join us in, and we're really excited about it. But in the meantime, do you think we should get to some questions? I

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Speaker 2: think we should. All right, let's do it. Let's do it.

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Speaker 2: Awesome Etiquette is here to answer your questions. You can email them toe awesome etiquette of Emily post dot com. You can also leave us a voicemail or text at 802858 kind. That's 80 to 8585 for 63 you can reach us on Social media on Twitter were at Emily Post. Insist on Instagram. We're at Emily Post Institute and on Facebook. We are awesome etiquette. Just use the hashtag awesome etiquette with your post so that we know you want question on the show.

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Speaker 1: Our first question is titled Pandemic and Pregnancy Pictures High Awesome Etiquette First Thanks for putting together such a lovely podcast. I enjoy listening every week. Here's my question. My husband and I are expecting our first child this November. We're very excited. Congratulations.

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Speaker 1: It's been a strange time to be pregnant, to say the least, and I've been struggling with how to respond to requests for bump pics.

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Speaker 1: They have all come from family and close friends, so I don't feel that these questions are inappropriate given our relationship. But at the same time, no one would ask me to send a picture of your body today if I weren't pregnant.

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Speaker 1: The's requests air coming from a loving place, and I'm grateful that others care about us and want to share in the experience. I love seeing pics that friend share during their own pregnancies, but it's been unexpectedly hard for media adjust to the changes in my own body. If this were normal times, I'd see many of these family and friends in person, and I don't think this would be an issue.

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Speaker 1: My question is twofold. How can I respond to these requests? I've been deflecting up until now, but that doesn't feel right.

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Speaker 1: Is the polite thing to recognize the good intentions here and some the picture? Or is there a sample script I could use if I choose to decline. And then second. So that was kind of three questions in one. Mm. Second, what are some ways I can bring my friends and family into this experience? Are there things I can do beyond the weekly bump pics to keep them involved? I'm grateful for their support, and it will certainly be needed. Come November. I would appreciate your expert advice. Thanks so much. Anonymous.

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Speaker 1: Anonymous.

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Speaker 2: Thank you for the question. And I will second my cousins in read. Congratulations, E really like the way you're approaching this whole thought. And I want to start off by affirming and applauding the latitude that you're giving people. Right now, Lizzie and I have both been doing a lot of interviews about manners and etiquette during Cove it. And I feel like we both have this sort of first thought share that often comes up early in an interview where we say these are tough times, their stressful times there, times where people are changing a lot of routines. So the more we can all be patient with each other, the more we can all be ready to give each other latitude to make some mistakes, to try some things out, to have them worked of them, not work. Some of the best advice we can give and is is the helpful attitude to take with you right now. And I can feel that in your question.

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Speaker 1: These people are asking you to take

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Speaker 2: pictures of my body and send them to them. That's really weird. And I can kind of understand right now. Eso that z I just applaud that good spirit. The first easiest question to answer is the very direct question about

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Speaker 2: deflecting these requests and how

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Speaker 2: you say I recognize their good intentions. And should I send the pictures? I think you can recognize their good intentions and you don't have to send the pictures. I think you still do the first part, That thing we're talking about, but don't feel pressure to do something that really doesn't make you feel comfortable.

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Speaker 1: Okay, so my sample language for that moment right there is Oh, I know a lot of people do the baby bump picture, but it's not something I'm that comfortable with. So we've decided Teoh and then, you know, let them know what you are doing that would be a way to share how the baby is growing, and we do have some ideas on that a little bit later on. But I want to hear what Dan has to say about the other

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Speaker 2: questions. You know, I was going to say something exactly like that. If it is a close enough circle, the kind of circle where they feel OK making and ask, that's a little bit edgy that

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Speaker 2: they're probably close enough for you to give them an honest response and not one that's a brutal honesty. I can't believe you would ask me to do that, because that's not

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Speaker 1: going to believe the whole like, Oh, this is feeling like you're asking to see my body when you do normally never asked to see my body. How, like, Why would you think that's okay

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Speaker 1: There, there close enough. But you don't have to give him the full brain on it, you know,

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Speaker 2: and it's a good explanation, and it's and it's in some ways it sort of honors. You know that they've got a good intention. You recognize it, you recognize it with your willingness to give them an honest answer and

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Speaker 1: and that it's common that it's something a lot of people do and that that is true. Like you say, You enjoy seeing your friends do this on social media,

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Speaker 2: and I like your sample script because I think that it doesn't need to be a long explanation. It could just be what it is. The fun, longer explanation is what anonymous assets? The second question, which is What are some other ways that I might be able to respond to stay connected with someone?

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Speaker 1: Can we tell them what you improved? It did, even though you can, I mean, like I saw proved irregularly through initials, pregnancy and baby number two. But I remember baby number one we like every single week, was a piece of fruit or a vegetable that we were comparing the size of a little baby, too. And so it was. And that I actually thought was really fun because it was also interesting to think about why a peach might be after a lemon or you know what I mean. Like like like they might pick the fruit that they're picking

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Speaker 2: our little Lima bean, our little man, Yo, our little cantaloupe.

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Speaker 1: I loved when she was a plum?

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Speaker 1: No, but I think it's It's a really cute I enjoyed that as a person watching you guys go through your first pregnancy, and I know we injured discussing it. You know, if fruits not your thing or that's not working for you, maybe it's it's measurements, you know, in that. And I can see some people going what? I don't even want to think about it, but it's find the thing that's comfortable for you, whether it's a comparison to an object or like we just set fruit or something, or whether it's an actual number of some sort. I think finding a way to track that earth and

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Speaker 1: it might even just be the weeks, right, like so excited to be on Week 23 or, you know, some

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Speaker 2: countdown was, was one thought I had that wasn't exciting. It's not great, but it's something.

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Speaker 1: It's something, and I think kind of one of the one of the things. I think this is more about than an actual picture of what your belly is looking like either either exposed or with a shirt or a dress or something over it. Um, I think is that people want to be involved in

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Speaker 1: that. Yeah, I bet that no matter how you do it, they're gonna be happy to accept whatever you're trying to involve them in and that if you guys jump on the bandwagon of celebrating each week as it comes, or maybe other growth milestones or celebrating it as fruit or numbers, whatever it is, I think they're going to jump on if you give it that kind of celebration and kind of like progress check feel, you know to it. And I think if you want to give it that. But I think that might be that way to create that feeling of excitement and participation. I know that sounds weird and kind of saying it with a question mark that people are looking for.

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Speaker 2: I couldn't agree anymore. Might my parting advice was going to be just set a little tickler in your calendar.

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Speaker 2: When you get one of these requests, that just reminds you toe touch base with that person and maybe it's not weekly. Maybe it's every couple weeks. Or maybe it's just a few times over the course of a pregnancy, so that part of the family that branch feels really involved.

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Speaker 1: Connected? Yeah,

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Speaker 1: Anonymous. We hope that this helps. We hope that this is giving you some language to work with and some ideas to move forward with so that you can celebrate with your loved ones.

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Speaker 1: But if you have a sincere, interesting photographic work, it would be worthwhile

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Speaker 2: to investigate the field carefully.

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Speaker 2: Some phase of photography may become your life work.

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Speaker 2: Our next question is about a lunch date. Dilemma. Dear Lizzie and Dan. I'm a recent listener of your show and already a lifetime fan. I grew up reading Emily Post Book of Etiquette and even have a copy in my office. I

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Speaker 1: have a

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Speaker 2: question regarding lunch date etiquette. I have a long time friend who I will meet for coffee and lunch dates. She is indecisive on what she wants, so she usually insists that I order first. When it's time to pay the bill, she stays in the background silently. If we're in line for coffee or doesn't reach for the bill at the table, and I feel pressured to pay for both of us. I have tried my own attempts to curb this behavior of hers by denying to order coffee until she's prepared and then waiting for her to order first for lunch dates. I will ask the waitress politely for the bills to be separate, but sometimes we've only had a few appetizers and a drink, and I feel silly asking for this to be split.

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Speaker 2: Should I follow the rule of whoever initiated the lunch date? Should expect to pay the bill. If we were only meeting once a month or so, I wouldn't mind paying. But we're meeting a couple times a week. Thank you. Warm regards R O

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Speaker 1: are Oh, I think that I've got many thoughts illness

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Speaker 1: on and and one of the firsts is

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Speaker 1: I think you're smart toe wonder whether this person is following the the whoever does the inviting does the paying, but it's such a regular occurrence. I'm I'm having a hard time believing that you're the one making the invitation every single time to give her the impression that you should be paying every single time if you're eating together this frequently. But I could be wrong. It might be that you are the always the one initiating and setting this up, and that might be you know she might be following that kind of more old school rule. But I do think that you're in a good position because you dine with this person so frequently to bring it up and to simply say, Hey, you know, I know that we dine together like, you know, a couple times a week, and we've never kind of set anything in stone. But I always wanted to ask, Is it? You know, do you feel comfortable whenever I ask for the bill to be split or something like that, you know, is like, Should we be splitting or do you want to do alternating? Treating each other to the lunch? I've heard of some interesting ways that people do this. We had one listener right into the show a long, long time ago. Guys, this is probably like in the 1st 100 episodes who had suggested keeping a little token, and whoever has the token is the one who will be doing the buying. And so

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Speaker 2: oh, you are taking me back. I remember

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Speaker 1: that weight, right, right, right, And so like, maybe it's a little chest piece or a little charm of some sort and granted These two friends were really good about keeping the charm and not losing it or putting it in the wrong purse or something like that. But it was an interesting way to kind of play. Play a bit of a game with who's who's treating who. You know. If you have the token, it's on you to schedule and and take the other person out. But I do think that friends can have check ins with each other when they have long established things. Just like if you realized you were going over to someone's house and doing like socially distance get togethers right now and you were always meeting this one person's house, you might say, Hey, I've always enjoyed that. You are always doing the inviting But I just wanted to offer up my house as well. I feel like as easy, casual tone could be applied here. Dan, what do you think? I've been rambling and rambling and rebel not at

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Speaker 2: all. I think that you're elaborating on the answer that I think is the most likely best, and I was imagining a few different ways you might handle it. Some people would just pull back on the invite.

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Speaker 2: So we've been dining a couple times a week, and usually I'm the one who says, Hey, do you want to go grab coffee or do you want to go grab lunch just as I'm heading out? Maybe just don't make that offer for a couple weeks so that you're not initiated, and maybe your friend or colleague will say to you, Hey, do you want to go grab a coffee

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Speaker 1: today

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Speaker 2: and

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Speaker 2: you'll start to balance just the even the responsibility of that initiation

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Speaker 2: that might be awkward or that might not feel right in some way.

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Speaker 2: In some ways, that's sort of a testing of the whole relationship that you might not want to do. You might not want to give up these lunches a couple times a week for a couple weeks until someone figures out that it's up to them toe invite you back,

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Speaker 2: and I think that's likely. So I like Lizzie's approach of addressing it in some ways, because if you're gonna continue and you're not comfortable with the way things are, I think addressing it does make sense, and my idea had been exactly yours. Lizzie, to suggest something for moving forward

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Speaker 2: and something like, Oh, I being really explicit about how much you enjoy those lunges, How you don't want to give them up. How, um, you've got some ideas that that you wanted to run by or and granted those that's not the sample script language, but,

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Speaker 2: oh, I so enjoy our lunches together.

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Speaker 2: I'm wondering if you would want to. Maybe, And then I liked your language of start either Planning to split the bill were planning to alternate who picks it up but isn't suggesting some system for moving forward. So you're not expressing dissatisfaction with what's been going on.

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Speaker 1: I'm wondering about a couple things here. One is that our rights that they do actually on occasion ask for the bill to be split. And I'm curious what the friend does when this happens. Does the friend just pay the bill? You know, do they not? Did they? You know, I'm just curious. And then one of the scenes that was described was that you might be like in line, and the friend offers for R O to go first to order first or get coffee, she says. When it's time to pay the bill, she then stays in the background silently. If we're in line for coffee or doesn't reach for the bill a table. And I'm wondering if in those in line instances, if you're going first, there's no reason why you can't close out the check and just say, Oh, no, we're not together or he knows something like that Like I was separate orders, you know? And I'm just wondering, I know that that's a moment that I've seen in a number of sitcoms handled awkwardly, like when the person behind wasn't expecting that to happen.

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Speaker 1: But I also know that that that's also a really easy ways that two people get together.

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Speaker 1: They, you know, they each pay their own way and then go sit down and eat or have coffee, whatever it is together. So that might be one way in those in those moments where it's not table service to address it.

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Speaker 2: I like that very practical approach. I think that's

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Speaker 1: yeah, actually

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Speaker 2: makes a lot of sense

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Speaker 1: Use. Use the method that you're ordering from toe help help in that instance

00:24:00

Speaker 1: in terms of not wanting to split the check at a table when it's just a couple of appetizers. I I can only speak from my own experience as a server that I never minded it, whether it was a coffee and a dessert that someone chose to split or whether it was a big you know, 34 course meal. For me, it was just not my business. Why they needed the check split. And as long as it was within our restaurant policy, it was fine to split it. I don't think you should have to worry about that. There are lots of times where you're on a business trip and you go out with a friend and you can't. You know your meal has to be paid for for the company, cause all the expenses go, you know, towards the company. But the person that you're dining with isn't isn't a part of that. And so you asked for separate checks, and maybe it is something really small. I wouldn't feel worried about that part of it,

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Speaker 2: absolutely in subways. That's why they call it service, that it's it's about providing a service for you. It's why we tip for it. Also

00:25:00

Speaker 2: in conclusion, Aro there a couple options here you could play with the way that the these get togethers get initiated. And if you wanted to pull back a little bit on that and see how things develop, that's one option. There's the very practical approach of just being first in line and paying for yourself. And there's

00:25:21

Speaker 2: more likely solution. The friends often times have little check ins about stuff like this periodically, and it sounds like you're ready for one of those check ins. It's a perfectly reasonable thing to say, Hey, I so enjoy our lunches together. I thought I'd check in with you and see how they're working for you as well. And

00:25:41

Speaker 2: that's the opening for a conversation where you can think about how you're gonna handle them. Moving forward, however, you do decide to move forward. We hope that you continue to enjoy these get togethers with your friend. At a time when oftentimes socializing can be difficult,

00:25:56

Speaker 2: we're gonna take a quick break to make a special announcement.

00:25:58

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00:27:33

Speaker 2: And now back to the show.

00:27:36

Speaker 1: This question is titled Dealing With Dropped Calls and Oh, haven't we all

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Speaker 1: begins Greetings. I'm a big fan of the podcasts, and I look forward to listening to it every week. Such a positive and wonderful way to start my week. Thank you, Lizzie and Dan. I have a question about dropped calls. I have a friend that recently moved away Sad face, and we seem to have a hard time catching each other's calls to catch up. Recently she called me, but I missed her call as I was in a meeting when I called her back at my next convenience. She was driving through a remote area, and it was very staticky. After a minute of asking each other to repeat what we said, our call was dropped. Since she was the one driving in a remote area. I figured I would let her call me back at a later time and did not attempt to call her back. However, this got me thinking as calls get dropped a lot. Or maybe it's just me anyways, who is responsible for calling the other person back when a call is dropped. Is it the person who originally initiated the call? Is there a netiquette to this or my over thinking this? Thank you so much for your wonderful podcast dropped in my favorite city, New Orleans. This is

00:28:46

Speaker 2: an awesome question. Bitos

00:28:48

Speaker 1: doesn't get dropped in New Orleans. Footballs.

00:28:52

Speaker 2: Oh, my goodness.

00:28:56

Speaker 2: Are

00:28:56

Speaker 1: you still

00:28:56

Speaker 2: sore about that call?

00:28:58

Speaker 1: I don't know if the Patriots drop football's absolutely not.

00:29:06

Speaker 1: Um, no, Sorry, I don't I don't mean to. I just got very distracted by the dropped in New Orleans. It was very much so straight. My brain home in this New Orleans raw, my team

00:29:20

Speaker 1: kind of space. Let's get back to etiquette,

00:29:23

Speaker 1: dropped calls, because what do you think? You and I have major issues with dropped calls. I feel like we have our own special

00:29:31

Speaker 1: like M o for it. But what do you think about? Well,

00:29:36

Speaker 1: I think

00:29:36

Speaker 2: that there is a certain honoring of relationships that goes on. So, yeah, you would. I have our own routine on this, but from a broader perspective, I do think there are some etiquette considerations and my first thought goes to the moment. And yeah, I think whoever is responsible for the interference or the distraction kind of bear some responsibility to reconnect.

00:30:02

Speaker 1: OK, but wait, I gotta just jump in immediately on this. How can you always tell you can't. Yeah, you can't because they're sometimes where you and I are trying to figure out whether it's my phone or your phone. You know, that's causing the interference. But sometimes, you

00:30:17

Speaker 2: know, for example, I know there's certain places in my life where I dropped calls coming and going from my house that I drive past the waterfall.

00:30:26

Speaker 2: There is a certain area of my house where if I drift too far in that direction, I can drop a call. And yet

00:30:33

Speaker 2: when that happens and I feel like it's me, I think the responsibilities on me to call back and not to necessarily do it from a place where it's gonna happen again and again and again,

00:30:44

Speaker 2: if possible, to try to get back into

00:30:46

Speaker 1: it was going to say, if you're gonna stand in that particular part of the house for a reason, don't try to keep having the call from the area that can't hold a call, right? So there to

00:30:56

Speaker 2: courtesies, that air really emerging here. One is if you know it's your fault. You take some responsibility, try to fix it and try to reestablish the connection. As you point out, that's not always clear.

00:31:08

Speaker 2: So I think that when it's less clear, the solution or the sort of

00:31:14

Speaker 2: the chain reaction of who has responsibility isn't is clear either.

00:31:19

Speaker 1: One of the things that I like about what dropped in New Orleans is thinking about is that they are considering where the other person is and the safety of the situation. And that, to me, does make sense. And a lot of us do end up with dropped calls when we're in a situation where one or both of us air in a car, and I think it is best if you know you're going through that staticky place to just feel like okay, my responsibility is once I'm out of it and in a safe place to make a call, then I'll make the call. And as the person who is not driving the car, I think you let the person driving the car drive that,

00:31:59

Speaker 1: as opposed to trying to call back repeatedly and repeatedly, and either not getting through or maybe getting through. But then just having the same problem of the call dropping, and now it's like becoming a much more distracted level of driving and talking. I think then then just answering a call and being in a conversation like you might be if you were in a car having

00:32:18

Speaker 2: a conversation with somebody, I agree completely. And let's continue to add considerations.

00:32:24

Speaker 2: As dropped points out, There's also a consideration about

00:32:29

Speaker 2: who initiated the call. Once upon a time, there was a very traditional etiquette that said it was the person who initiated a call who had some responsibility for closing it out,

00:32:38

Speaker 2: and that was

00:32:41

Speaker 2: sort of a small courtesy then, I think, existed between people almost like, Oh, I'm the host in some ways or because I started this thing. It's up for me to acknowledge that we've completed our business and it's concluded.

00:32:54

Speaker 2: I think that you could think about

00:32:57

Speaker 2: who initiated it. But I'm mawr interested in the way that you re established connection afterwards, whoever does it, whether it's a period of time later or whether it's immediately, I think some kind of acknowledgement about the disruption is also something that

00:33:15

Speaker 2: makes things easier in some ways.

00:33:17

Speaker 1: So for us when that call drops, I'm also anticipating that even though I know it's only dropping because of a 12th space that you travel through that not long after you cross into that you know, connective connected spot again, you end up with saying hello to daughters and wife at home who you're greeting and trying to have a nice hello with. And then,

00:33:43

Speaker 1: oh, I'm gonna put you on the spot cause if I'm lucky, I get the call back,

00:33:48

Speaker 1: you could

00:33:49

Speaker 2: do that to be,

00:33:50

Speaker 1: Yeah, I was. Usually you're pretty good about it. But sometimes you know, either our call was finished enough for it wasn't important enough to call back. But usually when it is something that we were in the middle of discussing, you do make a point to call or text or get in touch to say what had happened, and I do think that's important on

00:34:08

Speaker 2: it. Doesn't need to be a big deal. Opie hit that spot. Knots always happens. Okay, Where were we? Did it? Edited it. But an acknowledgement of that disruption, I think is

00:34:18

Speaker 2: sort of shows a decent respect to the other person who wasn't a part of it. They were just on a call that all of a sudden abruptly ended.

00:34:27

Speaker 1: Whether or not you have to profusely apologize and beg the other person's pardon, I don't think so. I think the quick Oh, so sorry about that. You know, I like you said I hit that spot or didn't realize I was in a dead zone or oops, my phone died. Things like that, I think, are absolutely fine. My good friend, who you'll hear us mentioned on the show all the time. Kelly Williams Brown. She and I have a Nemo for this because we did end up with between our houses and the places we like to sit and talk to each other from We just realize we do have some calls that get funky or dropped or things like that. And so we made a rule between the two of us that I would always be the one responsible with calling back. And if I couldn't for some reason that Kelly would make one try, and if she couldn't get me, she would wait to hear from me. And that was just how we decided to plan things out because we had it happened to us so much. And it wasn't because my phone was typically dropping or she wasn't good at dialing phone number. You know, it was just it was just simply an easy way for us to make a plan and move forward with it.

00:35:30

Speaker 1: What are your

00:35:30

Speaker 2: thoughts? And this was sort of my my final tangent on this one to sending a text that says bad connection, Try it tonight or something like that.

00:35:41

Speaker 1: I think that that is good, so far as it gets through and works, you know what I mean? And I think at this stage of the game with digital at our fingertips in so many places, I think you try as best you can. You know, if that phone call isn't going through, then, yeah, you do shoot a text or, you know, and you might it might not go through, but, you know, you can at least be trying any way you can. I think to get that message. But I also think you've gotta do that in a way that safe you know, obviously, for dropped in New Orleans. Friend who's driving through this, you know, low reception spot. That person is gonna not probably be able to make attacks because of driving. So you know you to be smart about it and recognize that text messages just don't always go through. So you might have said, I'll call you back later tonight and the other person might not have perceived that message.

00:36:32

Speaker 1: The etiquette of dropped calls.

00:36:36

Speaker 1: It will definitely be in the 20th edition, that's for sure. Dropped in New Orleans. Thank you so much for letting us explore this topic. We definitely don't think you're overthinking it, but their number of ways to handle it.

00:36:49

Speaker 1: There's one thing that we haven't talked

00:36:52

Speaker 1: following up results of our action by calling back the complaining parties.

00:36:56

Speaker 1: We do this to show that our interest is genuine and doesn't end When the customer hangs up.

00:37:01

Speaker 1: The man who first wouldn't give

00:37:03

Speaker 2: up the line said to me, Well, yes, maybe somewhat better now,

00:37:08

Speaker 2: your call seem to do some good.

00:37:11

Speaker 2: I didn't expect you to call back.

00:37:13

Speaker 2: Thanks for helping me out

00:37:15

Speaker 2: Goodbye.

00:37:20

Speaker 2: Our next question is about a curt coworker Hi, Lizzie and Dan. I'm one of many employees in an open room full of cubicles just outside the area of this unpleasant coworker. The receptionist. Her phone is constantly ringing, and she is really rude to people when they call her. Annoyance and impatience is obvious, both in her tone and word choice. She will also make comments to herself loudly about thes people when she hangs up the phone, essentially saying how stupid they are or how much they bother her. It's really hard to listen to and, quite frankly, embarrasses me as she is the first line representative for our department.

00:37:58

Speaker 2: I like to be approachable at work, but I have had to resort to headphones to try to block this out, and it always puts me in a damper mood.

00:38:06

Speaker 2: I get the feeling that she has been around a long time and knows how to keep the ship sailing. Otherwise, I think it would be easy to let her go. I have also gathered from other co workers that this is how she has always been, so any hope that this is due to recent unrest and uncertainty in the world is gone.

00:38:22

Speaker 2: I try really hard to give the benefit of the doubt, but the frequency of these episodes tells me it is a real problem. So far, I have failed to mention that she can also be rather short with me and other co workers in the office. But I have not taken it personally as we do not interact that much. I do, however, find her telephone etiquette an attitude to be unacceptable. The kicker is I'm basically brand new at my job, and I don't know how to broach this with the appropriate person, be it her or a supervisor.

00:38:51

Speaker 2: This behavior is not only unpleasant but wrong. Then I don't want to be afraid to speak up. The question is how any advice or a sample script would be greatly appreciated. Sincerely, earplug

00:39:04

Speaker 1: here, plug. Oh, this is a yucky situation, and I like the fact that you've given a couple benefits of the doubts like, Is this person going through? You kind of sleuth it out? Is this person going through a difficult time? In which case I need Teoh give them a little more leniency, you know, or in my own mind anyway Or is this just due to our new very, you know, difficult and confusing. And certainly it's wearing on our mental health now pandemic situation. And I think that asking those two questions was really good. I'm sorry they didn't warrant answers that led you to believe that this person's behavior might change and instead the ideas this has really been going on for a while. There's a valued employee, even though this behavior has been going on for a while.

00:39:48

Speaker 1: I want to give your plugged the encouragement that sometimes being the new person can be

00:39:57

Speaker 1: a way to create some change, that just you being new means that the team has to think about how everybody gets along, how everybody works together. It can often be an opportunity to bring in some kind of change or some kind of educational stuff. I'm just saying Floating and Emily Post webinar might not be a bad idea or mentioning that that we have some, you know, creative live online learning options, just saying just saying. But funny enough, this is exactly the kind of thing that Dan and I will hear when we receive some in our requests is that we have someone who you know is an outwardly facing person. If this person is a receptionist and they are kind of answering the phone and receiving anyone who is coming into the building or the office, that's an important person toe have as a welcoming, friendly, assistive attitude and personality representing the company at that front gate, sort of to think about it on DSO. I think it's actually not something worth just ignoring and suffering through how far you're going to get with changing. This is a really big question mark in my mind, but I do think that it would be appropriate. Dan, correct me if I'm wrong, but for you to go to your personal manager supervisor and as you're checking in about how things were going as your new on the job say, there is one thing that I've noticed, and I know this person's worked here for a long time, so I'm not sure how to handle it, Which is why I wanted to ask Ask you before trying to, you know, do anything on my own. I think this is one better handled by the rest of the company than by a very new employees, but I do think it's on you to bring it to the to the proper HR

00:41:35

Speaker 2: people or management people. Was he post? I'm so glad you answered this one first because you totally shifted my perspective on it.

00:41:43

Speaker 1: Really? Oh, my goodness, I really I would have thought I took that right out of the damn post Senning Classics book. Well,

00:41:50

Speaker 1: and I think there

00:41:51

Speaker 2: are different options in terms of how you proceed. And maybe I just sort of happened tohave my more conservative hat on

00:41:58

Speaker 1: today. Waiver. Your conservative hat never Condoned someone being rude to people calling into a company.

00:42:07

Speaker 2: No, it really doesn't. But I was keyed mawr on the the seniority not in terms of organizational hierarchy but in terms of time spent the longevity of the receptionist and the relative newness of your plug

00:42:24

Speaker 2: and my my thought there was that

00:42:28

Speaker 2: you have a certain amount of social capital and

00:42:32

Speaker 2: you want to work to build relationships and put put some social capital in the bank at the start of a job before you start bringing up too many issues or difficulties. And I think balancing that with the idea that you lead with which I think is also a really sort of important, powerful idea that you're also a new person and things have been shifted. You're bringing new energy and often in those air moments of opportunity. And oftentimes companies are looking for those fresh perspectives and new ideas.

00:43:02

Speaker 2: And you really have some value you've got. You've got clear eyes, and

00:43:08

Speaker 2: I think that there is, ah good course of action somewhere between those two thoughts and having them both in mind

00:43:16

Speaker 2: is gonna help you not sort of wander too far in either direction. But when you gave me your sample script, I thought it was excellent what What I loved about it was that you said, you know, I am having a problem. This

00:43:26

Speaker 1: is it. I've got a problem

00:43:27

Speaker 2: in my new workplace, and I think you might focus more on the way she treats you

00:43:32

Speaker 2: because that came up is well, and I think it's easier toe really. Take ownership of that as a problem you're experiencing.

00:43:40

Speaker 1: I think so, too. But I am going to chirp up and say, Don't underestimate just the fact that you are in an open office environment and therefore this person does impact your work day and you can reference things like I use earbuds. I would rather not have to, but I I must admit that the tone that I over here frequently from this person or that I'm exposed to because of how loudly this person chooses to express themselves, that that's reaching me and becoming a regular distraction. I'm working on my end for what I could do personally. But if it was something that could be mentioned or could be discussed with this person, it would be nice toe have more than than just my attempts helping to mitigate the issue because it's not going away just because I'm wearing your butts. So here's the

00:44:28

Speaker 2: way I would context that the other thought I would bring into that conversation is I would be prepared,

00:44:37

Speaker 2: really hear anything that the supervisor that I'm talking to says

00:44:42

Speaker 1: even just straight up like, yeah, you're never gonna get anywhere with that. We've all been dealing with it for years.

00:44:47

Speaker 2: Yes, or you're gonna feel that way until you need her to help you navigate X, y and Z, and then you're gonna learn why we love her so much or

00:44:57

Speaker 1: all the bad behavior. Yeah,

00:44:58

Speaker 2: um

00:45:00

Speaker 2: it also might be true that they say thank you so much. It's really good to know that I'm aware of that. Also, I don't know how much will be able to do, but you might get some some support

00:45:11

Speaker 2: or at least some sympathy, some sympathy, even if there's nothing that can actually be done, I It's why I was glad that I heard your response first, because I do think that you don't want undersell yourself, and it is a real thing. But you also

00:45:27

Speaker 2: I don't want to, um,

00:45:30

Speaker 2: not just make too many waves too early. But you also don't want to do damage to a relationship at a place where you're gonna work. And you want to be really careful about how you talk about and criticize other people and just keeping that voice in your mind,

00:45:43

Speaker 2: I think is worthwhile.

00:45:44

Speaker 1: And I know this is the kind of stuff that like, and I'm laughing as I say it, even though I shouldn't be because this is the thes can create really awkward and really unfair situations for some people. But but, you know, watch you go in for that meeting with the manager and it turns out like the manager and this this receptionist or like best friends after work all the time. Exactly.

00:46:05

Speaker 1: And I'm not saying that that should change how the manager then does

00:46:10

Speaker 2: their job, a response to you. But we

00:46:12

Speaker 1: I mean, that's like in my mind,

00:46:14

Speaker 2: that's the sitcom version. You know, the thought that sort of builds on that that was the one other thing on my checklist was both to take care of yourself, and I hear that going on. But also, Teoh make it a point to get to know the human network at the place that you work. And it might be that you start to identify a relationship like that. You figure out why this person feels protected or feels entitled. Or maybe you find out that there's a supervisor who's really good with people, and that might be the right person to bring this kind

00:46:47

Speaker 1: of concern

00:46:47

Speaker 2: to, as opposed to someone who's not as concerned about those sorts of things.

00:46:52

Speaker 2: So that's the other little assignment that I would give would be to, as you're kind of figuring out what to do when you're getting your antenna out

00:47:01

Speaker 2: really pay attention to who seems to be answering to who and what is the existing network of relationships that you're joining

00:47:09

Speaker 1: before we close it out. The only other thing I'll say is that sometimes if nothing else could move, can your desk move? Is there any you know? Is there any chance of swapping with someone or sitting in a different section or just letting it be encouragement for yourself to get that next promotion? You know that gets you the office further down the hole or something. I don't know if any of those air possible giving the space that you're working in, but they might. They might kind of be one of those.

00:47:36

Speaker 1: Last results are, ah, hope for the distant future?

00:47:39

Speaker 2: Absolutely. You're plugged. We really hope that this answer helps. And the, however, things go with the Kurt coworker that you're able to enjoy your new job and continue their with great success.

00:47:52

Speaker 1: Congratulations, by the way, on the new job,

00:47:56

Speaker 2: Well, that's the end of our story, a happy ending to because Steve Hall finally did face up to both sides of his problem. The physical and the emotional alike.

00:48:06

Speaker 2: You see,

00:48:07

Speaker 2: That's what it takes to win the fight

00:48:10

Speaker 2: against Annul, sir.

00:48:12

Speaker 2: At work.

00:48:23

Speaker 2: Thank you for your questions. Please send us updates or feedback on our answers. Toe awesome etiquette at Emily post dot com. You can leave us a voicemail or text at 802858 kind. That's 80 to 8585463 You can also reach us on social media on Twitter were at Emily Post Inst on instagram We're at Emily Post Institute on Facebook Were awesome etiquette. Just use the hashtag awesome headed Get with your post so that we know you want your question on the show.

00:48:54

Speaker 1: If you love awesome etiquette, please consider becoming a sustaining member by visiting us at Petrie on dot com slash awesome etiquette, you'll get an adds free version of the show and access to bonus questions and content. Plus, we hope you'll feel great knowing that you helped to keep awesome etiquette on the air. And to those of you who are already sustaining members, thank you so much for your support. It is such an encouragement, and we greatly appreciate it.

00:49:23

Speaker 2: It's time for our feedback segment where we hear from you about the questions we answer and the topics we cover.

00:49:29

Speaker 1: And today we

00:49:29

Speaker 2: hear from Christie about Episode 308

00:49:33

Speaker 2: Hi, Emily Post Team.

00:49:34

Speaker 1: I have

00:49:34

Speaker 2: suggestion for the person who asked about not having news in their workplaces. Slack. I'm part of a working spaces slack channel, and it's happened

00:49:43

Speaker 1: more than

00:49:43

Speaker 2: once that when a topic started dominating the General Slack Channel, someone created a separate channel for that topic and invited people to join in the General Channel,

00:49:53

Speaker 2: usually without a reason attached, as everyone could see for themselves that it's a dominating topic, a sample script for the invite might be Hi, everyone. A separate channel for current events has been created, so please join. If you want to continue to be updated and discuss news topics. Hope this helps Christie

00:50:12

Speaker 1: Christie A. Let's just big clap. That's an awesome, awesome sample script right there, and we love getting them from audience members. So thank you, but also huge clubs because this is a great suggestion, and it's such an easy thing to do. We often don't know when something's going to dominate a channel. It might have gotten floated and a couple of people respond and then it dies off. But you're right. When it starts to really take over, it's very clear that it needs its own space and that people will either want to participate in and over in that new space. Or it'll die off very quickly over in that new space because people be like, Oh, this kind of got big and under control But I love your language for how to handle it. I missed the question because it was last week's episode, but I

00:50:54

Speaker 2: really love the sample script. I couldn't agree more. Christy, thank you so much for the feedback

00:50:59

Speaker 2: and thank you for sending us your thoughts and updates. Please do keep them coming. You can send your next feedback or update on your question toe Awesome etiquette at Emily post dot com. You can also leave us a voicemail or text at 802858 kind. That's 80 to 8585463

00:51:17

Speaker 1: It's time for our post script segment, where we dive deeper into a topic of etiquette, and this week we're going to wrap up our discussion about image assessment. Dan, thank you so much for saving it for me because I have been on pins and needles. I want to know. I

00:51:30

Speaker 2: want to know

00:51:30

Speaker 1: your three words for yourself. Oh,

00:51:33

Speaker 2: curse you, cousin Lizzie. Boast.

00:51:36

Speaker 2: It's only been your needle ing that made me say, You know, I've actually gotta do this on

00:51:42

Speaker 1: I did not forget in my wonderful time on Martha's Vineyard. I did not let the ocean ions take away this memory of finding out what your three words were.

00:51:53

Speaker 2: Well, let me let me take a great big rewind cause I just want to ground anybody who hasn't been listening for the last couple of weeks and what we're talking about. And that's that three weeks ago we started a series of post scripts that were about image assessment, and the idea behind Emily Post approach to image assessment is that it's more than just superficial. It's not just about choosing makeup colors that match skin tone or a haircut that augment the shape of

00:52:20

Speaker 1: your face Exactly

00:52:22

Speaker 1: when we talk

00:52:23

Speaker 2: about image assessment or even personal branding, ideally, were pointing to some deeper questions. Who are you? How are you perceived? How do you connect with other people on a real level. How are you seen and understood by the people in your life that are important to you?

00:52:39

Speaker 2: And what is it that you can do that impacts that impression? Or that sense that other people have a view? Or bring it in alignment with the sense that you have of yourself or the self that you want to be?

00:52:50

Speaker 2: Big stuff?

00:52:51

Speaker 1: Yeah, very big. This stuff a lot of people scratched the surface on, or stuff that I know a lot of therapists work with. A lot of people on myself included. It's big stuff. It's deep

00:53:01

Speaker 2: stuff, absolutely so

00:53:03

Speaker 2: stepping through that superficial layer, one of the early, easy image assessment exercises that I'll do with groups I don't have a lot of time is will do a micro version of a larger assessment exercise in

00:53:18

Speaker 2: the simple version is you just described yourself using three words or a simple sentence with three parts. But the idea is that you tell a story about yourself that identify some major attributes, but you do it very briefly. You're not allowed, Teoh explain as much as I'm explaining right now,

00:53:36

Speaker 2: The second part of the assignment is to put together an image team people to help you with your image. And you want to think about people that know you in different capacities, cause people that know you in the same way we'll have similar impressions about you. But people in different areas or parts of your life might see different sides of you, so you wanna take advantage of that and try to cultivate an image team that knows you in different ways. So that assignment is to think of three people that you could talk to about your image or asked to help you do a simple image assignment that was Week one and Week two to homework assignments.

00:54:11

Speaker 2: And then the idea is that we come back on Week three and talk about what the experience was like of thinking about ourselves and those sorts of essential ways to find out if we heard back anything from other people about us that was pleasantly surprising or uncomfortable or delightful. And

00:54:30

Speaker 2: then the concluding sort of lesson in an assignment like this is one where we think about what actions or steps we could take moving forward. So that's the rial that's gonna be the meat of today's post script. But I I was teased enough by my cousin Lizzie Post to say I'm going right down my three words. I'm gonna share them with the audience. And I want you all to know that I took courage from you. Several of you shared your words with us. And if that was you and your willing, we might include some of those in a coming feedback section. But it was so affirming for me to hear people really giving this exercise a try and taking a chance and taking a risk. So I'm right there with you.

00:55:11

Speaker 2: I'm describing myself as consistent, curious and caring.

00:55:16

Speaker 1: Those are good words to describe you because consistent, curious and care curious. Excuse me and caring. I think those air three really good words I would say you are You are very consistent person.

00:55:27

Speaker 1: You were one of the people who taught me how to get curious about stuff quickly as an anxiety reducer. So I would definitely say curiosity is a part of you and I think about how you explore when we come up with problems air come up against problems. You always come. Come at it with that curious nature.

00:55:48

Speaker 1: But and you are you are very caring. You actually talk to people about how you care. And that, I think, is like so I think those air three that really fit, But I Okay, so now that that's, like, satisfied and I've now got your three words and you send them to everybody, I'm now on the next itch to scratch is what it was gonna be on your team.

00:56:08

Speaker 2: Okay, so this was almost harder for me because one of my conceits about myself since we're sharing is

00:56:16

Speaker 2: I like to think of myself as, ah dynamic, complex person with a lot of different sort of aspects or faces. And when I think about people that know me in different ways, I start to say to myself, Boy, how how does this how is this going to help me paint any kind of consistent picture or get to know myself any better?

00:56:34

Speaker 1: You're trying to find consistency and this Don't let it be varied, right?

00:56:39

Speaker 2: Absolutely. And one of my first lessons to myself was like, Oh, boy, you know,

00:56:44

Speaker 1: maybe I need

00:56:45

Speaker 2: to like B'more of myself completely with Mawr people or anyway, this is This is where these sorts of exercises start to work.

00:56:53

Speaker 1: The team one really does get you thinking because you're like, Oh, my just picking that person cause they be flattering Or am I picking this person because I think they really do actually know me well Or might I pick somebody because they may not, No me as well as some of my other friends, but I've actually heard them make comments that make me think they are very on target about who I am. And all of those, no matter which one you run with and many, many others that might come up in your head

00:57:21

Speaker 1: are, I think, interesting because immediately after trying to figure out who to pick your thinking about why you would pick them. And I think the point is to not think about why you would pick them, but to pick three people that you at least trust and let that be your deciding factor. And then I think what's really interesting is to hear the words that they choose. You know what I mean? It's like

00:57:44

Speaker 1: to me, it's it's interesting why we choose the people and cause We should probably let the audience in on a little background joke here. I was giving you crowd and editing your list as you were typing in our shared Googled.

00:57:57

Speaker 2: So not fair.

00:57:59

Speaker 1: It was totally not an independent effort. I'm sorry that I I kind of interrupted it, but I at first I was like, All, man, you've got, like, your wife and your brother, like,

00:58:11

Speaker 1: spread it out a little like G to too many sendings on that list.

00:58:16

Speaker 1: Like G would be a great person at he's known you for so long, and he'd actually think really thoughtfully about it, You know, that kind of thing. And so you through g in there and right as we were about to start recording this segment looks like So can I throw you under the bus for having Onley men in your circle

00:58:31

Speaker 1: person After I asked you to remove your what? You're not asked but suggested you remove your wife. No, I I apologize because I totally was having fun ribbing you for your choices. And that doesn't help you actually make good choices. Well,

00:58:46

Speaker 1: yes and

00:58:47

Speaker 2: no, I actually I like the list that I'll say we came up with

00:58:52

Speaker 2: Jordi, one of my best longest term friends. My brother and 20. I found Peter Pla G. The minister at our church was the other one that came into someone who may be doesn't know me as closely, socially, but is somebody I feel knows me very well. I've got a long standing relationship with

00:59:12

Speaker 1: I in my own list. Um, I It's been interesting as I play around and I don't have a concrete list to share. But as I play around with people, I would I would be wanting to ask.

00:59:25

Speaker 1: It's It's funny how experiences with them in the past are making me drawn. You know what I mean? Things like different things. Like I said about about how is someone might consider making picks were coming up for me, and I actually think Kelly Williams Brown would be a really great person

00:59:41

Speaker 1: toe ask because she she knows me well enough. But at the same time, we are kind of newer friends, and in some ways I feel like she would be a good person to have on my list because she knows me as I am now and much the same way you're You're putting g on that list because he's known you for so long. I'm wondering if, actually, like, it would be good to have people from different points in your life. Or maybe to go with people from your from your president current situation, because that's who you're out there presenting to right now. You know what I mean? Well,

01:00:14

Speaker 2: sort of right now, depending on how much your

01:00:15

Speaker 1: socialising, But it it did get me thinking, Who would you pick and would I would I even put a family member on mine? I actually probably would end up having you on my list, even though you told me it would be unfair to have me on your list because we're on the show together. But I think I think I would want you on my list cause I do think that you see me and I think you pay attention and that to me, I think would be would be worth something in the choosing of people you know? Absolutely. And you think about

01:00:45

Speaker 2: your goals, your outcomes. I mean, you know, if I was doing this for professional reasons, I choose people that knew me professionally. If I was attempting to broaden myself socially, I tried it. Or if I was like, you

01:00:57

Speaker 1: know, I'm ready to

01:00:57

Speaker 2: improve the relationships in my family. I would be so great if I could get along better with people in my family. Then I might focus a little closer. I might think about the people that know me when my guards down. Mawr

01:01:09

Speaker 1: totally tell me about this, though. What advice do you give to our listeners who take this brave step? They identify words for themselves. They identify a team toe. Ask what what words the team would suggest for you. What do you do if you get words that really maybe make you uncomfortable that you weren't expecting or that you're saddened to hear? And I know it doesn't feel like that should be the case, but I could imagine for some mean words. We know they, in some ways subjective, and they kind of land differently with different people. And so what? Someone might think it is a compliment or a good word or a very true word to describe someone someone else might be hurt by upset by or feel not connected to eyes, a consistent and predictable. Yeah, no, exactly. And and maybe you wouldn't like. Predictable, because it sounds boring to you or something like, and you think of yourself as an exciting guy.

01:02:05

Speaker 1: It tell me how to receive these words. Well, when when our audience members ask for them from other people, I would say you want to

01:02:13

Speaker 2: receive it with a new and curiosity

01:02:15

Speaker 1: because that's so consistent and caring of you referred. Why,

01:02:20

Speaker 2: thank you.

01:02:23

Speaker 2: My, my thought is that whether you hear something that's pleasantly surprising or difficult or difficult because you didn't hear how funny you are and you really are invested now, funding you are whatever it is.

01:02:35

Speaker 2: The next part of this is. So

01:02:37

Speaker 1: what do you do with

01:02:38

Speaker 2: this information? How do you move forward and whether it's about trying to change something that you think is negative, that you would want to change or whether it's shifting something. So what you see is consistent, someone else sees is predictable, feels more like consistency moving forward or whatever it ISS.

01:02:56

Speaker 2: As you

01:02:58

Speaker 2: make these discoveries about yourself or identify things about yourself that you want to improve or change,

01:03:04

Speaker 2: doing that can be really difficult so I find it helps to really narrow the focus in terms of what changes you would assign yourself to make. You can't say I'm gonna be a better, more loyal person.

01:03:15

Speaker 2: But what you can say is I'm gonna work in three concrete areas and the areas I like to point people to when they're thinking about image

01:03:24

Speaker 2: are your appearance, your actions in your words

01:03:27

Speaker 2: and all of those things combined come together to create an impression of you. So if you say to yourself, I'm gonna make one small, tangible improvement in each of those areas that's going to improve my relationships broadly, it's gonna prove my image broadly.

01:03:44

Speaker 2: And I

01:03:45

Speaker 1: cant tell very doable, because that makes it very, very

01:03:49

Speaker 2: doable. That's the idea. And I don't know what the change is gonna be. I don't know what's gonna be in fashion next season. I don't know where you're starting from. I don't know which habits or actions you're trying to alter change. But I do know that everyone has room to improve no matter where you are in your life. And I know that in some ways this is a bigger challenge for people

01:04:12

Speaker 2: who are excellent at something. It gets harder and harder to get better at something. The better you get at it, the degrees of improvement. You make it smaller and smaller. So

01:04:22

Speaker 2: I'm excellent dresser getting better, addressing gonna be hard. But I can

01:04:26

Speaker 1: do it. There's always room for improvement.

01:04:29

Speaker 1: The truth

01:04:31

Speaker 2: that I met that generally I didn't mean that about me.

01:04:34

Speaker 2: I

01:04:34

Speaker 1: know you want to switch one of your words too confident. No, just get E think that's really true. Its there are places where there's gonna be less room to improve or the improvement is going to be.

01:04:47

Speaker 1: Either. I was going to say either incremental or it's like that last jump you have to make. That's actually a really hard one to do, like, and this is probably a really bad example. But you mentioned dressing in a tire and stuff like that. And maybe it is that you spend the money on that nice suit you've always wanted for yourself or something. But it might be that that's that's the last thing. And that's the thing that's really hard to get to, you know, Or it might be.

01:05:12

Speaker 1: It obviously could be. Many other things, but I like that idea of kind of whittling it down to the three appearance actions, words and just one change

01:05:21

Speaker 2: in each of those

01:05:22

Speaker 1: categories. I really like it, and we can

01:05:23

Speaker 2: talk more. At some point in the future, post groups will continue for many more episodes about specifically the ways you might look at your language or word choice tones be inflection, laughter, accent, pronunciation, all of those things. When we're talking about actions, it can be the choices you make. It can also be unconscious actions, nervous habits, the way you make and sustain eye contact.

01:05:47

Speaker 2: If we're talking about appearance, I think about that mawr as the external surface level appearance of your physically. So that's personal hygiene, grooming, dress in attire, things like that.

01:05:58

Speaker 2: One change in each of those areas. If anything feels completely new, the encouragement that I like to give people is that just like it's hard for people that are advanced to continue to make giant leaps forward.

01:06:13

Speaker 2: Oftentimes, the room to make the most improvement is that the beginning of something that your first return to a yoga class, your 2nd 3rd and fourth classes are oftentimes revelations where you're making big discoveries. By the time you've been taking that class for two years, they don't come in the same way necessarily. But oftentimes those early steps into unfamiliar territory are really impactful. And that's my encouragement if you're not talking about tweaking something subtly but trying something brand new to give it a shot, that it might be worth exploring.

01:06:48

Speaker 1: Well, cause thank you so much for taking us through this. I know it's something that you do with your seminar and webinar audiences frequently, but it was really fun to kind of bring it to the podcast audience and also for me to get to. Here you go through it to have us practice some of it. It was definitely a really great exercise, so thank you for taking the time over the past four episodes. Three episodes t make it happen for everybody. An audience. Please don't forget. If you want to share with us your words or the type of people in your life that you would choose to ask for three words describing you, please feel free to do so. You can submit it toe awesome dedicated Emily post dot com or reach out to us on social media. Just use the hashtag awesome etiquette so that we have your permission to use your social media post on the show.

01:07:37

Speaker 1: Yes, indeed. Both Don and Sue look like the kind of people you'd like to know. Don't think.

01:07:43

Speaker 1: Of course, right now they're dressed for their Friday date.

01:07:46

Speaker 1: But don't you have the feeling that they're always well groaning?

01:07:49

Speaker 1: Yes. And that's no accident for down into the question. How do I look? Depends on good grooming habits.

01:08:01

Speaker 1: We like to

01:08:01

Speaker 2: end our show on a high note. So we turn to you to hear about the good etiquette you're seeing and experiencing out

01:08:07

Speaker 1: in the world. And that can come

01:08:08

Speaker 2: in so many forms. Today we have a note from Amy,

01:08:11

Speaker 1: Hi, Lizzie and Dan. I wanted to send a netiquette salute out to my generous parents. Since the onset of the pandemic in March, my finances have been a bit tight due to losing one of my jobs and being unable to collect unemployment benefits. As a result, I have fallen behind on my credit card payments and a few other bills. This week I had to regretfully ask my parents to help me with my car insurance, but I told them I would pay them back at the end of the week. When I got my paycheck,

01:08:38

Speaker 1: they kindly said that I did not have to pay them back and that I could use the money I would have given back to make a credit card payment. I am so grateful for their generosity, especially during this time. Amy. Oh, Amy, that is so nice to hear

01:08:52

Speaker 2: it really is. It can be easy to miss the generosity, the caring of the people that are closest to us. And I can see how much you appreciate your parents doing this for you, and it's really heartwarming to see that appreciation. Thank you for sharing this salute with us.

01:09:08

Speaker 1: I also just want to say that you know, Amy, you mentioned that it was it was You know, you had to regretfully ask your parents to help you with the car insurance. I know how hard it can be to make those asks, and I know that when parents are in a position and and really able and willing to say, don't worry about it, you use the money to help yourself in other ways and things like that, that it's so wonderful to have that received and accepted and to get into that space of gratitude and appreciation instead of that space of feeling regretful or down on anything for choosing to make the ask. And so I just also applaud you for getting to that space of of gratitude and enthusiasm around it.

01:09:51

Speaker 1: Thank you so much for the salute. We really hope that things do improve soon for you and for others who are going through similar situations. But we're so glad that you have such a wonderful family right there for you.

01:10:06

Speaker 2: And thank you for listening.

01:10:08

Speaker 1: Thank you to everyone who sent us something for the

01:10:11

Speaker 2: show and thank you to everyone who supports us on Patri on.

01:10:15

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01:10:22

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01:10:43

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01:10:58

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01:11:06

Speaker 2: a review. Our show was edited by Chris Albertine on a system produced by Bridget Dowd. Thanks for SIM project.