Episode 318 - 1, 2, 3 Gratitude

00:00:04

Speaker 1: Maybe it's just that you don't know how to use social courtesy that's old fashioned.

00:00:13

Speaker 1: Watch how busy Post and Dan posts and act as host and hostess.

00:00:18

Speaker 1: They know that courtesy means showing respect, thinking of the other person. Really Friendliness.

00:00:25

Speaker 1: Hello and welcome toe Awesome etiquette,

00:00:29

Speaker 2: where we explore modern etiquette through the lens of consideration, respect and honesty.

00:00:33

Speaker 1: On today's show, we take your questions on fire etiquette writing Thank you's for boxes with several small gifts, junior and senior titles and asking for more information when you're invited to a gathering during a pandemic For

00:00:46

Speaker 2: awesome etiquette sustaining members, your question is about how to hint without hinting that your family actually has a ring available for your

00:00:57

Speaker 1: future engagement, plus your most excellent feedback etiquette salute and a postscript where we discuss +123 Gratitude. All that coming up.

00:01:11

Speaker 1: Awesome etiquette comes to you from the studios of our home offices in Vermont and is proud to be produced by the Emily Post Institute.

00:01:18

Speaker 2: I'm Lizzie Post,

00:01:18

Speaker 1: and I'm Dan Post sending

00:01:20

Speaker 2: Hey, because

00:01:21

Speaker 1: how's it going?

00:01:22

Speaker 2: It's going. It's going not tied to our sponsorship. Last month from Amazon, you and I had a and Alexa etiquette moment this morning when I was answering the phone, trying to shut off my Yeah, my morning news via my smart speaker, and it was really funny. Okay,

00:01:47

Speaker 1: so we should cue our listeners in this all began with a call that I initiated, and I caught Lizzie up to something in her house, and

00:01:56

Speaker 1: shortly after the phone was picked up, I heard Alexa off. And what just hit me like a ton of bricks was It was It sounded like me talking to the Alexa in my kitchen, and I've noticed this particular tone of voice that I take, and they're all sorts of reasons for it that often does. When you're turning the Alexa off, something is playing, so you're kind of speaking over it. And usually it's a point where your patients has finally gotten to

00:02:24

Speaker 2: that that

00:02:25

Speaker 1: moment where you just don't want it anymore. So there's also a little bit of something behind it, as well as the practical reason If I needed to hear me and hear

00:02:33

Speaker 2: this command. But I just found myself saying, Is this The thing is this

00:02:38

Speaker 1: is there something in the nature of this relationship with this AI that that particular command ends up being very commanding.

00:02:47

Speaker 2: That's the Dan version to the podcast audience. What I got on the phone was, Oh, my gosh, you so yellowed Alexa the same way I dio okay, and that then launched into me being defensive about why I yell at Alexa. But it was funny. It got us to talk about it. And it's a good etiquette point. I often always say, Please, when I'm asking Alexa to turn on and usually for me, it's typically, you know, that I'm asking for for the smart speaker to turn on the radio for me. Andi, that's like the most common thing that that I use it for. And so when I'm doing that, or or to set a timer, I said a lot of timers and I always do that by saying whatever I need to say and then saying Please. But when I'm trying to shut Alexa off, I struggle a lot more and Dan calling me out, basically, or I guess Commissioner is not commiserating but identifying with me. Um, it made me realize that when I'm trying to shut Alexa off, if it's because a phone call is coming in. It adds the urgency which can change my tone, the point that you made about the volume being up, and I tend to listen to the radio loudly. So I've got to get my volume up loud enough for the smart speaker to recognize that I'm talking to it. And then I've noticed that I speak it really quickly the first time through, and it'll often be, you know, Alexa off, please or licks off, and it's too fast for it to pick it up because I'm rushing. I'm trying to get it off to answer the phone or because I have answered the phone. But I've also noticed that I do it two different ways with you because you're a familiar in my life. I'm willing to answer the call to answer the call quickly and then yell off to the smart speaker Alexa off, to which I should add a please. But when it's other people calling, I will try to get the smart speaker off before I actually answer the phone. It's a little bit of like I know, but it's not really that polite to you. Is it like because you get me answering the phone, Alexa, off a dam. But it is funny, you know, I notice that I dropped the please often when I have to have the command be clearer because I'm not speaking. It is clearly for the Iet's interesting just stuff stuff like that. And Dan, what is our advice on AI etiquette?

00:05:22

Speaker 1: It's evolving, and I think about it a couple different ways for me. I'm often in the kitchen with my girls, and there's, I think, to myself about the impact of them. Just hearing me. Use that tone, be that commanding or demanding, depending on how you think of it. Um, I think about the effects that it has internally. Psychologically. Obviously, Alexis feelings aren't hurt, and at the same time, is there a programming going on in me that's making me more comfortable talking like that? Or, you know, what is that impact on me on my girls as well as

00:06:04

Speaker 1: just the quality of the space? Because I'm not as worried about my relationship with that ai, although I maybe

00:06:11

Speaker 2: should be Yeah, well, I think you're you're obviously aware of it because, as you said, you want a model good behavior for your girls or not just model but exhibit good behavior for your girls. But it's an interesting dynamic. It was not one that I had been experiencing in my home until we got Alexa as a sponsor. Onda e no. And as I was saying, like, this isn't this isn't a part of our sponsorship that this is just us really kind of having a moment personally about how we identify with with using this device in our homes and talking about thinking about etiquette all the time. But it is funny. Just like using the voice to text features the dictation pictures on your phone. It makes me realize how I pronounce things, how I say things, how I slur things together quickly. You know, the fact that I do speak quickly a lot of the time, things like that having to engage with the device this way using voice command really does. It makes me think and reflect a lot more about my own behavior. Good. What? Anyone else just picture? Excellent. Very good, Mr Burns. And yeah, I don't have a good Mr Burns voice, but I was tapping the fingers for you.

00:07:31

Speaker 2: Oh, Well, a I s I Do you think we should answer some of our human listener questions? I think

00:07:38

Speaker 1: that sounds like a great idea. Awesome. Let's do it. Let's do it. Awesome

00:07:45

Speaker 2: Etiquette is here to answer your questions. You can email them toe awesome etiquette and Emily post dot com. Leave a voicemail or text message at 802858 k i n d. That's 8028585463 Or you can reach us on social media on Twitter. We're at Emily Post on instagram were at Emily Post Institute on Facebook. We are awesome etiquette. Just use the hashtag awesome etiquette with your Social Media post so that we know

00:08:12

Speaker 1: you want your question on the show with

00:08:20

Speaker 1: our first question this week is about ember etiquette.

00:08:24

Speaker 1: Dear Dan and Lizzie having just had the winter down here in the Southern Hemisphere and with your Northern season heading into the fall, I wanted to raise several burning questions to do with fire etiquette. I'm a long time admiring listener, and I can't remember you talking about this before. I love welcoming my guests into a cozy room with a blazing fire on chilly evenings. Ah, lot of people no longer have fires or stoves in their homes, and in my experience this adds to their enjoyment. However, some guests assume it's okay to grab a poker and start smashing away at the hot coals, which is irritating as it's messy and ruins a good Firas. It radiates less heat when the coals fall down into the great. I was brought up to never interfere with the fire in another person's home unless invited to by the host. Another issue is people using up all the Qin Ling, grabbing several days worth of twigs and branches needed to start a fire and up in flames. It goes all at once. I collect thes when walking the dog and during yard work, and they may literally grow on trees. But collecting them is actually a chore.

00:09:28

Speaker 1: Few people seem to appreciate this, and when I bring up that they're wasting a resource, they might say, Oh, I'm sorry. I'll collect you some more tomorrow. They never dio I've taken to hiding my supply. As far as I am aware, it's on Lee good etiquette to touch somebody else's fire, either. when your host is absent from the room and logs shift and need adjusting or, ah, hot coal rolls out onto the floor or they indicate that you can do so. Am I being controlling? I would love to know what your point of view is on this and any other advice that might also include etiquette for fire pits, bonfires and campfires. Thank you both. So much for all your friendly guidance during this difficult time Best wishes guy.

00:10:10

Speaker 2: God, this is such good etiquette advice. Seriously, this I feel like you're writing it for us. This could be the original etiquette advice, right? People sat around the fire. So the Onley time that I have ever that I think we've ever talked about fires is when we read the section on how to bungle a dinner party from the 1922 Mrs. Yeah, Mrs Mrs Newlywed, that's who's throwing the party. She tries to like the fire, forgets toe open the flu and smokes out the entire living room. Obviously bad a ticket, but it's like that kind of stuff we never talk about. So would a guest try and stoke a fire that's dying? You know What if they want a light one? What about in houses where guest rooms might have a fireplace or someone's coming to use your house for the weekend? We've never really talked about that kind of stuff before, and this is a great opportunity to do so.

00:11:08

Speaker 1: Absolutely. And implied in that example you just gave is the idea that a newly arrived hostess establishing herself would want a crackling fire in the fireplace awaiting the

00:11:19

Speaker 2: guests. Yeah, then it's warm, inviting that it's a treat. Ah, part of that cozy, wonderful winter lifestyle or just comforting a lifestyle. Um, and I like also that that guy is exchanges, extending this thio you know, campfires and bonfires as well. The big overall arching point that you bring up is I was brought up to never interfere with the fire in another person's home unless invited to do so by the host bank. That's the big point, and I would extend that to whoever either started or organized the bonfire or campfire that you're on, and I say, Think about it as organized in case someone stepping out of turn and trying Thio start a bonfire that's not yet ready to be lit or that a host hasn't you know, indicated to do so with, I think those those sorts of things they're really important to pay attention to. But I like the fact Dan, tell me if I'm wrong, that guy's saving room for cases where the host might not be in the room. And something might happen with the fire that you should really deal with simply because it's a fire hazard at that point and an ember sparking out into the room or something like that. Um, rolling out into the room, I think, is definitely something where you grabbed the tongs. You grab whatever you can that's not gonna ignite, is you touch it and get it back

00:12:37

Speaker 1: into the fireplace. Well, and thus begins the host guest dance

00:12:42

Speaker 2: eyes there anything I can help with? Could you keep an eye on the fire? I've

00:12:45

Speaker 1: got a bunch of stuff I gotta tend to in the kitchen, and I want to be sure it catches. Could you throw, uh, the next size log on when it gets going or something like that? E could see so many you couldn't even count them all possibilities for

00:12:59

Speaker 1: really delightful host guest exchanges around something as engaging as a fire. And of course, saying that makes me also think instantly, Of course, safety First, a za host. You always wanna intercede. If there's something people should know,

00:13:15

Speaker 2: I don't have this chimney clean

00:13:16

Speaker 1: that frequently. We really shouldn't start a fire right now or

00:13:19

Speaker 2: yeah, exactly.

00:13:20

Speaker 1: Any of a number of things their kids around telling people, you know, setting the boundaries that a host should set responsibly, I think, is an important part of hosting. If you're talking about something potentially dangerous and that's fire falls into that category,

00:13:35

Speaker 2: I think as a guest, you also want to look at the circumstances. So if you're in someone's home and there's a beautifully laid fire ready, you know what I mean for lighting where you can see they've got paper and kindle ing and logs and matches all set up to go, because the fire will probably be lit sometime later in the evening. That's sort of one circumstance, but thio to an empty fireplace or even a fireplace that might have something in place of a fire right now, you know, like some people put candles or or things like that in in the spot on day. Remove them when they then decide to actually use the fireplace. It's really not your place as a guest to just jump in and try to make the fire, then happen. I think it's It's like you kind of look at that circumstance and what's going on in it. I also think that we all know or have the buddy who really wants to tend the fire. There's there's something about it that some people just really get into, right? How would you treat a guest who was like, kind of want to either egging you on to light a fire and have a fire in the fireplace? Or Teoh be the one asking, like kind of wanting to take care of it, you know, like making all those offers that you kind of wish they'd stop making.

00:14:56

Speaker 1: In my mind, I'm putting away the wishing they'd stop making. And even if it's true, I'm thinking to myself, Boy, I've got a guest, and if there is something that will engage them and they will be happy doing it and, um, it's not going to negatively impact anyone else, there's not someone else like, wanna be? Oh, and part of building that trust might be that Will that be so great? Let me tell you about our fire pit grill, stove, fireplace. Yeah, whatever it is and put the parameters on it as a host that you need to to feel comfortable. But if you can turn them loose, it's like finding the CD that everyone likes at the party. Boy, I'm dating myself now.

00:15:38

Speaker 2: You did just hear that, folks. He didn't even say playlist or offer up a specific artist. But But it

00:15:46

Speaker 1: is one of those moments if your guest is gonna love it, you just you just succeeded your ah, host one and it's not. It's not a competition, obviously, but good work. Totally. I'm also really interested in the dynamic around the Kindle ing, and

00:16:02

Speaker 2: that's where it's gonna go next. It's

00:16:04

Speaker 1: a very specific example of good hosting to not expose yourself in a way that you'll be upset about later on. That if there is a shared resource that, for whatever reason, might be attractive to people, you can say no. But you can also put it away, and there's nothing wrong with that or deceitful about that. I

00:16:25

Speaker 2: know people that adjust

00:16:26

Speaker 1: their liquor cabinets before certain parties and

00:16:29

Speaker 2: you're not hiding. Your storing

00:16:31

Speaker 1: makes a lot of sense in some circumstances, So I would think about it like that. I would think about it as providing appropriate opportunities and not setting yourself up for

00:16:44

Speaker 1: losses. I guess that that you wouldn't want to take.

00:16:47

Speaker 2: I think that makes a lot of sense, and it's It's an easy way to feel like you're taking back control. I think sometimes in our own home we can almost feel incredibly uncomfortable both wanting to provide for our guests and their enjoyment in their enthusiasm, but also being nervous about our supply and the things we bring in and what we do. You know, um, and one thing you really don't want as a host is to feel uncomfortable in your own home. And if having that entire supply out and watching it deplete fast at the hands of guests makes you uncomfortable, then I think storing it away or Onley leaving out what you would be comfortable having used for the evening, is an absolutely smart way to go.

00:17:30

Speaker 1: No find China at the Children's table

00:17:33

Speaker 2: you got it, guy. Thank you so much for giving us a chance to answer this burning question about fire etiquette, uh, in people's homes and around bonfires and campfires, and we hope that everyone stays safe and can enjoy the fire

00:17:51

Speaker 1: fire handled carelessly may cause trouble. It's a good thing that Mother is close by and can come to the rescue. As long as we keep fire under control, it serves us well.

00:18:03

Speaker 2: Mhm.

00:18:04

Speaker 2: Yeah.

00:18:07

Speaker 2: Our next question is titled Small Gifts Big. Thank you, dear. A team. Thanks for carrying on Strong with your wonderful, engaging podcast. Despite all the extra challenges this year, I have a question for you about thank you notes for gifts, which are actually a collection of small gifts. Recently, I've been delighted to receive packages in the mail from two different friends. Each contained a marvelous assortment of small, thoughtfully chosen gifts. None of these gifts were individually stunning or valuable, but the some experience of opening each little goody was truly fun. For example, in one of the boxes, a friend sent a handful of sample size cosmetics uh, natural bristle veggie cleaning brush. Ah, simple pair of gloves. Some small blank labels. Ah, facial sponge, some foreign coins mounted on a card and a hand written note. My question is, how do you thank someone for a gift that is an assortment of gifts. It feels cumbersome to list each item individually. So in this case, I wrote to her What a pleasure to find your box of gifts on our doorstep, from the hand colored barcode on the outside to the bento tidy wrapping and packaging and the goodies themselves. I took my time on wrapping each and thinking of your hands, wrapping each and feeling more connected in that way. The only thing I haven't opened yet are the gloves. I'm waiting until colder weather as you suggest. And then my note went on with a bit of personal update. Do you have any suggestions on this? Thank you. So much blessed to receive,

00:19:39

Speaker 1: blessed to receive. Thank you for the question. And my only and best advice is to keep writing Thank you notes like this. I love the exchange. I love the thought and care that these people are showing you assembling these little packages or these I guess medium sized package is full of little gifts, and I love the way you are clearly enjoying it, are touched and moved by it and are expressing yourself. That is the that is absolutely the heart of a good thank you. And as I was reading or hearing Lizzie read the start of this question, I was thinking about some of the sample thank you notes of Emily's that we've read over the years from the 1922 edition. And she had such a deft touch for thanking people in a way that would make them feel special. She would find a particular quality to the gift that spoke to their relationship. So it wasn't doing and eyeing about the thing itself as much is how the thing represents their connection. And you've really done that. By the time we got to your sample script, I was thinking to myself, Boy, this this sounds like something Emily might right, so

00:20:47

Speaker 2: right, Yeah, I feel like this is a great example of how you can. I think, go into a little bit more depth with your thank you notes is, well, you know, really, really talking about what it made you feel to get that gift or or how connected it makes you feel. And I'm guessing that this is the type of language that these friends use with one another. You know, in your your way of doing it might be different, but it's the idea of It's not just thank you for the gift, but it's like, Wow, the packaging was beautiful or wow, that gift, just that surprise gift just couldn't have come on a on a better day like I really needed to pick me up. And that just really was incredibly beyond anything I could have hoped for, you know, expressing that there's nothing wrong with doing that. Andi. I think that it gets more to what Dan Noyes talks about when we talk about gift giving and receiving, which is that generosity of spirit and valuing that. And it's not that you aren't identifying the fact that gifts were a part of it, even though there's a lot of focus on the packaging and how you felt receiving it and what it made you think of. But I think when there's so many little treats like that, you've done very well in your example of highlighting a few of them so that the giver really knows that you did open everything and see it all. And yet also not listing out each individual thing. It's just

00:22:12

Speaker 1: a beautiful note is a beautiful thank you know the description Bento tidy jumps out.

00:22:17

Speaker 2: It's such a great image.

00:22:20

Speaker 1: It's such evocative writing and putting that kind of effort into something shows. And maybe that's not a big effort for you. Maybe you're a naturally good writer like that. But, um, if you are lean on that and if there is effort that goes into it, it reads and and that'll touch people and read is part of the thank you so blessed to receive. We're blessed to receive this question. Thank you so much for sending it. I think that's a good thank you. Now that's a pretty good example of the sort of thing that makes the letter a lot of fun.

00:22:54

Speaker 1: Our next question comes from Anonymous. Who wonders? Does the title change after a passing?

00:23:00

Speaker 1: Hi, Lizzie and Dan. My question is when two people have the same name calling themselves junior and senior. If the junior one dies, does the senior continue to use the senior after his name. Thank you. Anonymous

00:23:13

Speaker 2: Anonymous. This is a flip on how we typically get this question, which is when the senior passes does the junior become the senior and a third become a junior? Or do you just stop using the junior because the senior has passed now and you don't need a distinction between the two and Dan before we dive into our twist on the that are question asked her has given us what's the traditional answer here.

00:23:38

Speaker 1: So the lay of the land is that when a senior dies, it's really up to the junior, whether they want to retain the title of Junior or drop it. And oftentimes someone's been known as junior there whole life, and it's part of the identity. It's part of how people think of them. And if it's something they like and enjoy or just want to continue, its absolutely up to that, many people dropped the junior. Oftentimes, that junior senior distinction is thought of. It's just helping keep track of who's who. In a family where people share the same name, it's it's functional as much as it is ah, title that's honorific in some way.

00:24:21

Speaker 1: But having said that it really is up to the discretion of the typically junior to decide whether or not they want to continue to use it.

00:24:29

Speaker 2: So with that as our standard advice for kind of the typical way that this goes, should a junior passed before a senior, our guess is that you would have the same advice going that if someone was really known as a senior, if it

00:24:44

Speaker 1: was, it was a

00:24:45

Speaker 2: part of their their name their entire life and and leaned on heavily. You might choose to keep it to separate the distinction from the late Jr to the senior who is still living. But again, you could also probably just drop using it, um, the places where I think it's really helpful to keep using the titles that you've always had our our when you dropped further down and you've got 3rd and 4th as well, which which do happen from time to time. And one thing that's important to note as well is that 3rd and 4th don't become juniors, and thirds when someone passes, everyone kind of keeps the number that they've stayed at. Dan, will you fill us in just because we're in the space of titles on seconds because they're a little different from everybody else. Seconds

00:25:32

Speaker 1: are a little bit different and that you might assume that a junior would be considered a second the junior by definition, having the exact same name as the senior. That includes middle name as well as the spelling of the name, and that oftentimes the third is again the exact same spelling of that same name. There is a logical thought that says, Oh, the second proceeds in that chain and it actually doesn't. It's not that direct line of Patra lineal descent that defines the second. Oftentimes second is used when someone shares a name with someone else in the family that they're close to, but not their parents. So another uncle, a cousin, a grandfather, even

00:26:17

Speaker 1: sometimes when that name has been handed down within the family. But it's not a relationship with a parent, a child. The second comes into play as the title that's used

00:26:27

Speaker 2: names and titles and lineage. There's there's so much so much kind of fun etiquette, geek out stuff to do in this space Anonymous. Thank you for giving us a chance to do so and If you want a refresher of this information, definitely visit us that, Emily post dot com Dan, what can they search for to get to this article directly?

00:26:48

Speaker 1: You know, I was delighted that a Google search for do you drop the junior when senior passes got us to Emily post dot com with a really clear answer to this question.

00:26:57

Speaker 2: There you have it. Anonymous. Thank you. Again. We hope our answer

00:27:00

Speaker 1: help.

00:27:08

Speaker 1: Mhm.

00:27:11

Speaker 1: Our

00:27:14

Speaker 2: next question is titled More information Question Mark And it came to us via text message. Hi, Dan and Lizzie. I hope this finds you in good health and spirits. I've been invited by a college friend to her wedding in mid December. There's not a lot of details regarding the number of guests and social distancing measures on the invitation. I'd also be flying from Chicago to the East Coast in order to attend. I'm on the fence about this. I want to make sure everyone is safe and still having fun because, well, Indian weddings are awesome, but is it okay? I was going to say we know this, but is it okay to ask for details to make an informed decision? in the age of covert 19. Thanks for help. VD

00:28:02

Speaker 1: Phoebe, Thanks for the question. I am thinking about this in two ways. One is I would encourage you to be a detective. Um, I know that Lizzie and I would probably advise people to keep information on an invitation itself Pretty, um, minimal. But we would encourage people toe. Think about other ways to share that information to include an insert along with the invitation or directions toe a wedding website where a lot more detail could be provided, especially for out of town guests. And I would start to nose around in all of those places first, to try to find out as much as you possibly can in the places where people share extra information.

00:28:44

Speaker 1: After that, I would absolutely call and ask a question. And I would do that. Head of your r S v p. And you do it just the way you posed it to us that you're just trying to get a little bit mawr information so you can make a good decision.

00:28:59

Speaker 1: How does that sound supposed? Do you have a sample script?

00:29:02

Speaker 2: I thought I was going to say because this might be really neat and tidy. I could just take I could take this question off. I think you've got it going. No, but I think you you do what you can. Just like you said. You look on the wedding website. Um, if nothing has come, I would say, you know, as a follow up or if there was nothing in the enclosure I could imagine. Some folks are sending information out once they know that someone is coming. But I think for a lot of people, though there probably in your situation VT. Where you're trying to gather this information to decide if you can say yes to the wedding or not in terms of a sample script in terms of making that phone call, doing that outreach once you've done all the detective work, I think just letting someone know I was so excited to receive your invitation. I'm trying to figure out all the logistics and off course, as you can imagine during this pandemic. One of the questions I have is about safety. I was wondering if I could talk to you about that. If you don't want to use the word safety, maybe measures you're taking or precautions or co vid considerations might be other words or things you might substitute in there. But I think, as Dan always says, ask permission to have the conversation and you usually get pretty far. Um, it might even spur this couple toe actually put some information upon their wedding website. If they haven't done so or something like that, you never know. I was glad to hear you take

00:30:36

Speaker 1: a shot at that sample script because it reminded me how important it is to express how much you appreciate being invited. How excited you are for them, that just a little bit of that to set the tone is going to go a long

00:30:50

Speaker 2: way. V D. We hope that you're able to gather the information that you need to make a decision you feel comfortable with, but either way, we hope that you do get to celebrate, even if its resume.

00:31:04

Speaker 1: Thank you for your questions. Please send us updates or feedback on our answers toe Awesome etiquette. Emily post dot com You can leave us a voicemail or text at 802858 kind. That's 8028585463 You can also reach us on social media on Twitter. We're at Emily Post Inst on Instagram were at Emily Post Institute and on Facebook were awesome etiquette. Just remember to use the hashtag awesome etiquette with your post so that we know you want your question on the show.

00:31:31

Speaker 1: Mhm.

00:31:36

Speaker 2: If you love awesome etiquette, please consider becoming a sustaining member by visiting us at patryan dot com slash awesome etiquette. You'll get ads free version of the show and access to bonus questions and content. Plus, you'll feel great knowing that you helped keep awesome etiquette on the air. And to those of you who are already sustaining members, thank you so much for your support.

00:32:00

Speaker 1: It's time for our feedback segment where we hear from you about the questions we answer and the topics we cover. Today we're hearing from Carla on episode 3 17 and the question titled Food With Friends,

00:32:11

Speaker 1: Hi, Lizzie and Dan. Thanks for another great episode of awesome etiquette. I truly can't get enough long time listener. First time caller, if you will. I wanted to throw my two cents in regarding the Situation Anonymous. Rachel found herself in when Monica offered to bring a dish and Phoebe didn't. My first thought was that since it was a small, casual lunch with friends that couldn't have been too elaborate, Rachel could have simply declined the offer when Monica offered to bring a dish specifically to avoid the awkwardness that was bound to happen with Phoebe.

00:32:41

Speaker 1: Alternatively, if she felt inclined to accept the offer from Monica, I

00:32:45

Speaker 2: think I would have

00:32:46

Speaker 1: sent another email to both girls and found a way to set up Phoebe for success by saying something like, Oh, hi again. Monica was hoping to share her new favorite insert whatever adjective is appropriate here. Recipe with us. So

00:33:00

Speaker 2: I thought

00:33:00

Speaker 1: maybe we could all share a new favorite again. And her favorite adjective recipe at lunch that day.

00:33:06

Speaker 1: No pressure. Just thought it might be a fun spin on our girls lunch. Can't wait to see you guys. Thanks again for your show, Carla.

00:33:14

Speaker 2: Okay, The part about this that I really love is where Carla then says No pressure. Just it thought it might be a fun spin on our girls lunch. Can't wait to see you guys I like. I like the idea of that. Like if you want to go for it anything like that, where you kind of prompt the other person to feel welcome to join in even though they haven't, you know, offered in and of their own sort of accord. I think it's I think it's a good way to go. I also

00:33:42

Speaker 1: like the permission to decline when someone offers to bring something, and you could be up for any reason. It was so simple, and I was saying, Did

00:33:49

Speaker 2: we ever mention that in the question? And I don't think we did. I can't remember

00:33:54

Speaker 1: e. Carla, Thank you for the feedback. Thank you for sending us your thoughts and updates. Please keep them coming. You can send your feedback or update awesome etiquette at Emily post dot com.

00:34:07

Speaker 2: Or you can leave us a voicemail at 802858 kind. That's 80

00:34:11

Speaker 1: 28585463

00:34:14

Speaker 1: No,

00:34:22

Speaker 1: it's time for our post script segment where we dive deeper into a topic of etiquette, and this week we're going to take a closer look at gratitude.

00:34:29

Speaker 2: We are gonna look at gratitude. We read this cool article on inc dot com. That's i n c dot com, and it's titled. You've been saying Thank you all wrong. Here's how to do it right? Turns out that U C Berkeley's, um, Ileana Simon Thomas has this gratitude. 123 strategy for really maximizing. Thank you. And in many ways, Dan, the article reminded me of the difference between getting a kid to say, like, thanks, you know, kind of like begrudgingly under their breath and getting someone actually say, like a really thoughtful thank you that describes why whatever it was that was done for them was so impactful and really sharing that appreciation and gratitude. But I thought that these were three really effective points for what makes a really good thank you. And to me, this was perfect. Awesome etiquette fodder.

00:35:27

Speaker 1: Well, I'm curious. Definitely. Gratitude is a theme on this show, so let's

00:35:33

Speaker 2: go through the points. All right. So the first thing that, um, Ileana says is that you wanna be specific about what you're saying Thank you for right. And that that coincides very much so with our thank you note advice. Where that middle, That middle section of the thank you note is straight up. Thank you for the such and such, but I love kind of what she talks about with it. She says that what we're bad at is expressing our gratitude with enough specificity to really reap the benefits of the felt experience ourselves and to draw out the strongest response from the person were saying thank you to. So to get the most out of a thank you, you want to begin by saying specifically what you're thanking the other person for. For example, instead of just saying Hey, thanks, Dave. That was great. You could say, Dave, thank you for inviting me to be on the show with you, and that puts you and the person you're thinking into this sort of shared mental space, both of you actually thinking about the thing itself.

00:36:38

Speaker 1: I absolutely love it. And, as is often the case, I love it because it affirms something that I like to do, which is always started, thank you know with us explicit and specific. Thanks for the thing you're thanking the person for. It's something that people forget to do, and totally, it's it's fundamental, so I like it in the lead and I like it as a lead point here.

00:36:59

Speaker 2: I mean, for something like a gift instead of thanks so much for the birthday gift. Thank you so much for the specific gift. It might even jog the person's memories. Oh, that's right. I sent them that, and we could all

00:37:11

Speaker 1: use a little bit of that. What's in a while?

00:37:13

Speaker 2: Dan, what's your second point?

00:37:15

Speaker 1: So the second point in the gratitude 123 is to acknowledge the effort involved. And that's the effort involved

00:37:22

Speaker 1: on the other parties. Part toe. Do the thing that you're thanking for, not your effort issuing the thank

00:37:27

Speaker 2: you. I think that's a good distinction to make just in case.

00:37:32

Speaker 2: And it's funny because this is

00:37:33

Speaker 1: not part of my usual thank you script. So I was I was thinking about it, but it's still resonates with advice we give on this show, which is that even if you can't thank them for the thing itself, we often say thank someone for the effort for the thought that those air those are important parts of the gift giving exchange. But I love the idea of making that an explicit part of all thank you's because it's not a secondary element. It's really important.

00:37:59

Speaker 1: So, you know, I really appreciate you doing this for me, even if it's not. Ah, tangible gift that you're thanking someone for is a really important part of the thank you, e. I know this. I know you're Saturday's air precious to you, and I really appreciate

00:38:15

Speaker 2: it took time. Thank you. Yeah, whatever. Whatever it is, acknowledging that time and effort, it is so

00:38:21

Speaker 1: key. You know me so well. Thank you for putting some thought into this. Those air those air always that I think you can really jump your thank you know, or your thank you thought to the next level.

00:38:33

Speaker 2: So the third point that, um, Ileana Simon Thomas says really can help enhance a thank you is to describe how it benefits you. And so that's really talking to someone. Not just about that. You appreciate the gift, but that it is going to make your life better, whether it's that sweater that's going to keep you so warm this winter, or if it was a favor that someone did for you just how much of an impact it actually made. But to be specific with it, and I think that that is one of those ways that it helps to paint the picture for the other party, for just what a difference this made to your life. So obviously, rather than someone just saying thanks so much for your help. But wow, thanks so much for your help. It really meant that I could get home to my kids this evening or thank you so much for that gift. It's ended up bringing our whole family together on Saturday mornings. You know, I don't I don't know what it is that might do that, but I think that really, really showing the impact that it has is that third step that connects the person to the impact that they really did just make on your life by extending either a favor or gift your direction. It paints

00:39:50

Speaker 1: such a vivid picture, and oftentimes we say to ourselves. So I'd like to doom Or or I'd like to sort of paint a more vivid picture. The question of how you do it can feel daunting. I really like this little formula that your specific about the thing you acknowledge the effort that the other person put in. And then you describe how it benefits you. That's

00:40:13

Speaker 1: a 123 That's actually pretty execute

00:40:16

Speaker 2: herbal. Pretty simple in a lot of ways.

00:40:18

Speaker 1: And the final point in the article is that it is relatively simple and that it won't take his long thio do this in practice, as you might imagine.

00:40:27

Speaker 2: Well, Dan, thank you so much for joining me in our gratitude. 123 postscript section today. I really appreciate you running with this topic because I not only found it interesting, but I found it useful. And it made me feel really confident about doing our show today.

00:40:47

Speaker 1: You're most welcome.

00:40:48

Speaker 2: Did I do it? Did I get it right, Dan? I heard. 123 Okay, good, good, good. Good audience. We hope that this helps you make more impactful expressions of gratitude with just a little 123

00:41:03

Speaker 1: How do you go about being thoughtful? What

00:41:06

Speaker 2: you doing every time I try only make things worse? Is there some particular method of being

00:41:13

Speaker 1: thoughtful that works every time way like to end our show on a high note. So we turn to you to hear about the good etiquette you're seeing and experiencing out in the world, and

00:41:26

Speaker 2: that can

00:41:26

Speaker 1: come in so many forms. Today. We hear a voice mail from Chuck in New Hampshire. The reason I'm calling is I have a salute. Week or so ago, I was driving up Thio, uh, go backpacking on the Music Notch. And as I turned off of the road in Berlin and go to 10 miles of dirty, dusty road, we got to a point where the road was impassable. That was actually closed for repair. And it was only about a 100.0.1 point two miles from where we had to start the trail. And the crew was working that day. And I apologize because I had previously seen a sign saying the road might be closed at a particular point and that was the point. And so I got out and I asked, There's a place toe park and not be in their way and explain the situation. He says, You know, he said, Hey, sure, no problem. Let me move this boulder out of the way. So the crew went ahead, moved the boulder, drove on, had a successful hike in a weekend and is wonderful. So for the crew on the Success Pond Road in Berlin, New Hampshire, up in that area, thanks for making our trip a total success pun intended. Thank you.

00:42:36

Speaker 2: Wow, that is a story worthy of us. I mean, that's full on Boulder, moving to get things through. That's awesome.

00:42:44

Speaker 1: This feels so familiar. They're doing work on my dirt road right now, and I navigate sort of a very low traffic dirt road relationship with a road crew almost everyday right now. And it is so nice and a little courtesy goes so far in those environments.

00:43:00

Speaker 2: Chuck, thank you so much for the salute.

00:43:04

Speaker 2: Oh,

00:43:08

Speaker 1: thank you for listening and thank you to everyone who sent us something and thank you to everyone who supports us on Patryan. Please connect with us and share this show with friends, family and co workers. However, you like to share your podcast, you

00:43:22

Speaker 2: can send us questions, feedback and salutes by email. Toe awesome etiquette at Emily post dot com. By phone. You can leave us a message or text at 802858 kind. That's 8028585463 on Twitter. We're at Emily Post. Insist on Instagram. We are at Emily Post Institute on Facebook. Were Awesome etiquette and the Emily Post Institute. And if you're like my dog Sunny, you can also bark your question or comment into us. Please consider becoming a sustaining member by visiting patryan dot com slash awesome etiquette. You

00:43:57

Speaker 1: can also subscribe to the ads version of our show on Spotify or your favorite podcast out. And if you like awesome etiquette, please consider leaving us a review. It helps with our show rankings, which helps other people find awesome

00:44:08

Speaker 2: etiquette. Our show is edited by Chris Albertine, an assistant produced by Brigitte Dowd. Thanks Chris E.