Episode 322 - Mentioning Social

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Speaker 1: Maybe it's just that you don't know how to use social courtesy that's old fashioned.

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Speaker 2: Watch how busy post and damn posts and act as host and hostess.

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Speaker 2: They know that courtesy means showing respect, thinking of the other person. Really Friendliness

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Speaker 2: Okay, on Welcome toe awesome etiquette,

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Speaker 1: where we explore modern etiquette through the lens of consideration, respect and

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Speaker 2: honesty. On today's show, we take your questions on mentioning social media posts when you see someone in person responding to generic emails sending holiday cards at the end of a tumultuous year and how to thank a very generous friend

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Speaker 1: for awesome etiquette sustaining members. Our question of the week is about differing love languages and how to

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Speaker 2: talk about, um, plus your most excellent feedback etiquette salute and a postscript where we discuss Emily Post. Children are people. All that's coming up.

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Speaker 2: Awesome etiquette comes to you from the studios of our home offices in Vermont and is proud to be produced by the Emily Post Institute.

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Speaker 1: I'm Lizzie Post

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Speaker 2: and I'm Dan Post. Sending

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Speaker 1: it is the most gorgeous, gorgeous Saturday Today

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Speaker 2: I'd ask if you can believe it, but I know you can't because I can't because it's unbelievable.

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Speaker 1: It is. Do you? Do you know that it is so pretty this Saturday that I put a big sign outside my house that says, Oh, happy day. I mean, come on 68 sunny in November

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Speaker 2: And here's the other thing. It's not fleeting. It's not just a moment, it's It's mental last for a few days, so you can kind of enjoy it without feeling like it's just going to slip away at any moment.

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Speaker 1: Exactly. This is This is good. This Saturday is a good Saturday.

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Speaker 2: It is. It is. We're recording a little bit late this week. There is a lot going on at Emily Post. Um Lizzie Post. Have I mentioned that Thanksgiving is three weeks away from a couple of days ago?

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Speaker 1: Oh, Turkey's everywhere Shutter it is. You haven't mentioned it, but it is, and we're now sort of. I feel like we're Can I dare to say it? We're in the

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Speaker 2: holiday zone. We kind of are.

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Speaker 1: It's time. It's time to start thinking about and talking about what is happening, except I know that for so many of us were not actually traveling to gather this year, I'm so curious how everyone's holiday is gonna be different are already There's no turkey. We're doing a Thanksgiving porchetta.

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Speaker 2: We've been thinking about our pandemic Thanksgiving turkey, and it's going to take a little bit of special organizing to get it. No question.

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Speaker 1: Thank you. Guys used to do this big. Was it Mediterranean Greek dinner the night before the sending side

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Speaker 2: does? Yeah. No, The family that usually visit from Boston bring up a favorite spread from a Lebanese diner near them.

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Speaker 1: A Lebanese. Thank you. Sorry. I e could not remember what it was. Andi, I'm guessing that's not gonna happen this year. Exactly. I was picturing, like, like, because all of Dan's family parts of them live relatively close to each other. And I was picturing if it was such a beautiful day as this Saturday is so beautiful, it would really, really be cool if kind of like you lined up along like all the houses on the hill. And you could kind of do like a drive by pickup dishes for me channels and then bring them home. Kind of a thing, but no. A

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Speaker 2: circulating, traveling Thanksgiving car, pool

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Speaker 1: table, somehow. Yeah, exactly. dreams, dreams, daydreams. I guess I

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Speaker 2: haven't really fallen into those sorts of holiday daydreaming because our work at Emily Post also picks up accelerates around the holidays. And what I thought you were gonna say when you said, dare we do we? Are we going to say we're in the holiday season? I kept waiting for you today. Are we gonna talk about the fact that we're really hoping to launch our website? Maybe even before Thanksgiving, which is, as people who listen to this show no are far and away our biggest traffic day of the year?

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Speaker 1: It definitely is. It is our goal. It is our hope that we're gonna have a beautiful, bright, shiny new website for you to visit Peru's and experience come Thanksgiving holiday week, our fingers are crossed. We're we're working day and night when we can t accomplish this. And it's not

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Speaker 2: just us. There are other people involved who are also working hard to make it happen

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Speaker 1: Well, and it's like it's a crazy time to like Kelly and I are We're getting the last stories together for the mistakes were made book and we're gonna be turning that in soon. So it's like. And then there's the big book that's also going on and and dance got the Children's program that launched online. So the pilot program about it. But I just feel like November is full of so much wonderful stuff that is happening.

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Speaker 2: It is good. And those holidays that I keep telling myself in my personal life are far away are

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Speaker 1: actually quite a bit closer than

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Speaker 2: I maybe want to admit.

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Speaker 1: Well, because we know that they are closer. And there is quite a lot of work for the two of us to get done. And this day is so incredibly gorgeous that it should be celebrated. I say we get to some questions so that we can both get outside and get to more work.

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Speaker 2: Let's do it.

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Speaker 2: Oh,

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Speaker 1: awesome. Etiquette is here to answer your questions. You can email them toe awesome dedicated Emily post dot com Leave a voicemail or text at 802858 kind. That's 8028585463 or reach us on social media on Twitter. We're at Emily Post. Inst on Instagram were at Emily Post Institute and on Facebook were awesome etiquette. Just use the hashtag awesome etiquette with your social media posts so that we know

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Speaker 2: you want your question on the show.

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Speaker 2: Our first question this week is about social media and meet ups. Hi, Lizzie and Dan. I hope you are. Well, I'm listening to Episode 3 19 and the question about name tags. It reminded me about a question I always have about mentioning social media posts to people I see in person. For example, if I run

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Speaker 1: into an

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Speaker 2: acquaintance and have seen on social Media that they were on a trip or accomplished something, is it weird to bring it up? Does it feel stalker ish or is it appropriate since it was shared online? And perhaps I have, like to post, I would love to hear your thoughts. Jodi.

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Speaker 1: Jody, this is a question that anyone who's ever had a crush asks all the time, like, you know, like, oh, that that's so cool that they did. I should totally bring it up. Wait, But if I bring it up doesn't seem stalker ish. Um, I

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Speaker 2: like too much attention to them. Is

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Speaker 1: it weird? No. There people are putting these things out there. If you are friends with them in these spaces, then it's expected that you go through. You know, you are one of the people scrolling through their posts. I think you wanna be careful to not overdo it and be too excited and into it or or praiseworthy of the Post. You know, I think at anything that's that's a little extra in that department would be. And so I think you can kind of keep it light. But to mention it to say something like, Hey, I saw on Facebook that you, you know, you just got back from my favorite example that trip to Greece, you know, How was it like, Oh, do you wish you could have stayed longer? Never been in the winter. I don't know anything. I think those air find ways to kind of dropped that in.

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Speaker 2: Absolutely. I would observe all the usual rules of conversation. So mentioning that you saw someone post something about their kids is different than oh, I saw you post such and such and then asking, Ah, personal follow up question that might or might not be appropriate. I would observe the usual rules of conversation But, as Lizzie says, what's posted online is public, and that's a public space that you can respond. Thio

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Speaker 1: Bridget actually chimed in when when she was working on the script on this and said, But you might want to think about if other people are around, too. Either aren't friends with that person. You know what I mean? They might then not be able to engage in the conversation. So if Dan's not friends with one of my friends that we run into, it could be just weird to sit there and have a whole conversation about this post or this trip or this. Whatever. When you know Dan's not being included or hasn't seen the post, either you need to take the time to explain it or, you know, use a different avenue in. Or just ask the question. Have you been on any vacations lately? Something like that. If it's a if it's more of a group

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Speaker 2: situation, it's another example of a rule that applies in conversation in general that when you're involved with multiple people, you don't talk about things that exclude anyone from the conversation or that are hard for some people to participate in for some reason. So

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Speaker 2: a Social Media post that not everyone seen is a good example of something you wouldn't want to spend too much time on. When you hear a question like this, it's so natural, toe. Ask yourself. Well, obviously it's not okay all the time. What are the situations where it wouldn't be OK? And the one that came to my mind is one that I'm almost hesitant to mention. But it's when the behavior that you would reveal isn't behavior that you would be proud of. So if you have been stalking someone, if maybe there's someone who you're not as close to or don't see is regularly. Or maybe for whatever reason, the actual connections in your life,

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Speaker 1: Dan means stalking in the friendly and appreciated way. Just so you know, not the absolutely negative way. Yeah, exactly. But

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Speaker 2: but where? The social media relationship isn't reflective of the in person real world relationship. And if you start responding to that relationship, that social media relationship that might not be as reciprocal or two way

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Speaker 2: as you're imagining the in person relationship, you might get into some trouble that way. So you have to have some awareness and some context, but generally speaking, it's

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Speaker 1: OK, Jodi. Great question. Thanks so much for asking it. We hope our answer helps.

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Speaker 2: Now, if Smiley and Sulky both came over to your house and wanted to play with you, which one would you rather play with this one? Why?

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Speaker 1: Because he's happier. He'd be more fun to play

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Speaker 2: with.

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Speaker 2: Yes, I agree. Now look over here, Johnny this'll

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Speaker 1: Question is titled Generic email Etiquette, that is It's like almost the most generic question title we could have had on the show.

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Speaker 1: Dear Dan and Lizzy, thank you very much for your show, which I absolutely love. I recently received what was obviously a group email on Lee. My name had been inserted as Dear Veronica, but the rest of the email was obviously written to be generic and bland, so it could be sent to a large group of people as a ketchup. The contents had sentences like so that's me. And now I want to hear all about what you've been doing, and it's been too long, and I wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you. I felt quite put out by this generic email and have yet to respond. I suppose I could respond with my specific news and then hope I get a more personal reply. But I felt quite uninterested by the generic tone of this email, which, as it seemed to be, which, as it seemed to be going to a large number of people with only name swapped out, was really very superficial and not at all engaging. Should I be happy that I was included? How do I respond to this? Thank you, Veronica.

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Speaker 2: Veronica, Thank you for the question. This is a great point of etiquette question, because it's all about the tone of communication, how it impacts relationships. And what I like about it is that you're not just focusing on what you think of the way that the email was crafted and sent, but

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Speaker 2: how you're going to respond. And to me, that's the heart of good etiquette. When it's it's really being used to help you decide what's going to guide you. And to that end, I'm looking to the core principles of etiquette, consideration, respect and honesty, and I see consideration and respect in terms of the way you're thinking about all the different people here, and you're doing it in a way that shows that you recognize their value and the worth of thes relationships.

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Speaker 2: In terms of the reply, I'm really looking at honesty, and I would say to myself, How do I honestly feel about it? And if you are, I don't want to say honored to be included. But if it moves you that you've been included in this way, it's on opportunity to connect with someone. And you could reply in that way

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Speaker 2: if it does feel generic and perfunctory and weird to you. I don't think that there's any rule that says you have to reply that precisely because it was sent to so many people and it didn't feel personal, I think it then falls outside of that category where the social responsibility to reply

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Speaker 1: did anyone else feel like like red etiquette? Siren lights just went off like not lying, not reply to a letter. Thio. That's why I

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Speaker 2: started with the corporate

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Speaker 1: insanity. Oh my goodness, what do you So I'm curious. How how sure are we? I mean, it's it sounds It sounds like Veronica is pretty sure, but could perhaps the letter writer. Just be not very good at letter writing. I mean, do you do we say that we do the kind of saccharine, sweet thing

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Speaker 2: I like the work you're doing here

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Speaker 1: because then lean into the benefit of the doubt that this person just wrote You are not great letter like and I don't know, maybe maybe it is egregious. Maybe it is like bad, but, I mean, I don't know my being saccharine. Sweet is this Is this to Polyana? I don't think so. Okay, well, thank you for saying that

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Speaker 2: kind of doing here. I really dio

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Speaker 1: it's But it's true. We don't know unless we really know unless there's an egregious error in there. Like there's there's two first names, and clearly one of them wasn't yours, you know, or or it's addressed to the wrong person. If I wasn't 100% sure and I had any interest in the relationship, I would I would respond, Um, if there's a part of you that that is hoping you might get a more personal reply. If you do respond, if there's part of you that can sympathize with someone who maybe lonely during ah, what has been a really difficult year for a lot of people, and someone's trying to make an effort to connect. And they didn't do it in the most beautiful way. Then go for it. But if But if you're not feeling that way, if it's just got you feeling like this is gross, yeah, I don't know if I could say Don't reply because that sounds so wrong from a netiquette standpoint. But maybe don't reply. No, because I I like that you

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Speaker 2: came in with the etiquette alarm bells. Frankly, because I do think that there is a line that we want to be really clear about. And it's something that I think about because I write these kind of emails in a professional capacity. I spent some time last week writing emails that were designed tohave. The first name filled in and addressed a relatively small group of people. But the idea is that you're not writing an individual one to each person, but there are some shared experiences, a connection that you have with that group of people that allows you to address them as a small group in a way that's a little more personal

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Speaker 2: at the same time because it's a professional email to a group of people that I know professionally. I'm not expecting individual replies from people. It's nice. Sometimes I get, um so I've got in my mind a very immediate frame of reference where there's no expectation of a reply. And it's within the professional world where that kind of an email really is about getting information out in some ways, and it invites a reply, but it doesn't expect it.

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Speaker 2: In the social world that you're describing. I do think that the threshold has to be much higher. Thio group it in that category. You've really gotta be able to answer to yourself firmly that you don't think there's any expectation of a reply and it's a risk that you take because

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Speaker 2: frankly, in the social world, I would think that you might anticipate a reply more, and it's not true in every situation.

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Speaker 2: Those family newsletters, you don't reply to every one of them. And if this is closer to that than a personal note, then you could make that judgment. And I think saying no reply doesn't fall wildly outside the bounds of etiquette. Even in a social context

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Speaker 1: not wildly outside. But you do have someone writing lines and they've been quoted here like So that's me. Now I want to hear all about what you've been doing. It's been too long. I wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you. Those kinds of things strike me as even if they were sent in copy paste fashion to other people as just more personal and more directed to you specifically than kind of like an open letter. I could see a friend sending an open letter out during a difficult year that just says, Hey, I just wanna let ever No, I'm thinking of people, you know, But that sounds more open, like that family news out letter that you're talking about, whereas the use and I'm thinking of use, I think make this have that more personal feel. Even though Veronica hasn't gotten the personal feel from it, you haven't gotten that kind of warm fuzziness thinking that it might actually have been a replicated letter. I do think that to me makes it harder to not reply in this particular case. But I might Veronica, I might choose to reply, but not expect a whole lot, so I actually kind of

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Speaker 2: like where we've come down on this one

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Speaker 1: where I think we both have

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Speaker 2: said that you really got to check in with yourself honestly and see how you're inspired to respond because it's got to come from a genuine place. And I think there's some guidance you might want to find a kind or benevolent version of yourself. As you make that choice on DSI, this is an opportunity as opposed to

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Speaker 2: something where someone's done something wrong. Uh, if you're not sure that's exactly what's happened.

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Speaker 2: Veronica, thank you for the question that turned out to be anything but generic.

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Speaker 2: But when you have a problem involving your own honesty,

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Speaker 2: know yourself.

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Speaker 2: Be sure of your intention,

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Speaker 2: the motives behind what you're doing in saying

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Speaker 2: Make sure you say what you mean to say

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Speaker 2: and make sure your meaning is clear to your listeners. Now, Bob, tell us the truth. What really happened?

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Speaker 1: Our next question is titled Christmas card conundrum.

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Speaker 2: Hello, awesome etiquette. I am grateful on a weekly basis for your wonderful podcast and good advice. Thank you so much for all that you do. It was just Halloween, but I'm thinking about Christmas cards.

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Speaker 1: I sent

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Speaker 2: quite a few each year and many abroad, and I'm getting ready to book time in November 2. Writeth. Um, so I can mail them in plenty of time.

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Speaker 2: My question to you 2020 has been such an unusual year, a year of stresses and strains for everyone with the pandemic. While I'm aware of most of my immediate family and friends and their health and job situations, I'm not aware of everyone. I will send cards to

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Speaker 2: instead of the usual happy holidays and have a wonderful 2021. I

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Speaker 1: wonder if

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Speaker 2: you might have guidance for what to write in holiday cards in this the most strange of years. I feel like it would miss the mark and would sound tone deaf if I just wrote Happy Holidays. I always had a brief one or two sentences personal message to each of the cards I send, and this year I'm stumped as to what the message should be. Any thoughts would be gratefully received. Many thanks Christmas card challenged for 2020

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Speaker 1: Oh, Christmas card challenge. This I have got you this one we could do in many different ways depending on who it is that you're sending them to. But generally, I'm a big fan of wishing you well and sending you love. Um, maybe that's, you know, good vibes. Maybe that's happy thoughts or whatever it is. I think that wishing you well, you know, hoping you and your family are safe. Like maybe the safe pulls it a little a little far. But I think we're wishing you well is a really great kind of send off for any occasion where that would be true. And I think this year is a Z year were in particular. We wanna wish each other well at the holiday season.

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Speaker 2: I like that master of sample scripts. Take a bow.

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Speaker 1: I'll hit my head on my desk. Um, what are some other things we could add to wishing you well, and instead of and sending love, wishing you well and happy thoughts or wishing you well and take care? That's a nice, simple one for maybe a friend. I have been

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Speaker 2: thinking of thinking of you. So I've been thinking of thinking as

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Speaker 1: wishing you well and thinking of you

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Speaker 2: and I are or thinking of you at this time of year wishing you the best for the coming year, something like that. Or if if it's a holiday card, you could wish him well for the holiday season or something like that.

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Speaker 1: And whether or not you choose to say Happy holidays, it might be something else there. There are lots of great greetings to use or a lot of people when they're sending a card. To someone who's had a particularly rough here, though, the card is the same card that they send to everyone else. Those one or two sentences that you mentioned writing. That's a place where people might even even add more, more personal message. If it's not a postcard, I would would refrain from doing it If it's just the postcard style, or I take the time to put the card in an actual note, where you hand right and and say just some words of encouragement. I would say if someone's

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Speaker 2: had a particularly tough time, like a real fold over card, as opposed, Yeah,

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Speaker 1: and then put those together.

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Speaker 2: And I was talking about a couple of shows.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, exactly, exactly, and that's just something kind of to be sensitive about But I do think that even if the card itself says the happy holidays or the you know may this season be be merry and bright or whatever it is that you can make sure that it's sensitive and specific to that

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Speaker 2: person with that hand written message that you talk about. I really like that idea of sort of modifying or setting the tone for the card with that personal touch that you add yourself Christmas card challenged for 2020 It sounds like you've got a pretty good plan ahead of you, and we wish you the best as you put it into action.

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Speaker 2: Our

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Speaker 1: next question is titled Courteous With Clothing.

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Speaker 1: Hello, awesome etiquette. I've been listening for a long time and always appreciate the work that you do and how it informs my perspective on life in my day to day interactions. I both have a question, but in a way it's also an etiquette salute. I have a friend, and he and his wife have a daughter that is a year younger than my own daughter, with hours being three in November, and he's going to be two next year,

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Speaker 1: according to him and his wife. They fortunately, and up with so many clothes from the wife's sister that it is simply too many clothes for them. And they have offered us on two different occasions if we would like the clothes that they have already gone through and decided what they want to keep for themselves.

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Speaker 1: The first time that we accepted the clothes, I attempted to offer some way toe pay them for this in some kind of way. But they declined because they said it was a value to them to not have to take the clothes that they would just end up donating.

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Speaker 1: The second time around was two months ago. They had the same proposition, which included even more than before, including things like shoes and other outfits is well, their kindness is simply too much. Once again, they declined any offer of reciprocation. But it leaves me feeling with a sense of regret that I haven't been able to show a type of thank you for the generosity. Actually, as I'm putting this together, it occurs to me that, of course, a thank you card would be something that I should do and have not done yet. But in addition to that, I still want to give back to them in the same way that they have given to me any thoughts about ways to give someone something, even when they say they don't want anything in return. In case it matters, this family is excitedly awaiting a second child at this time. Thank you, as always for the advice sincerely, thankfully closed. Oh, thankfully, that is so sweet. This

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Speaker 2: really is. This is such a sweet question slash salute, and what I love about it is that the answer presents itself in the course of the question. Obviously, it's It's such an example where as soon as you start to do any sort of process where you're like OK, this is what's going on. These are the people. Okay, I know I definitely need to get a thank you note in the mix here quick, and that is absolutely the etiquette solution here. Never underestimate the power of your own sense of gratitude and expressing that will have a profound impact on people. It feels so good to do something for someone else, and this is definitely something that's done in the community of people raising little kids they share these clothes because they grow out of them so fast and passing them around and getting good use out of them is something that gives people pleasure.

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Speaker 2: It's something we even joke about because sometimes they pile up. Sometimes the awareness and the courtesy is about not giving somebody too much. It's not something that they need or would want, so definitely don't feel bad about taking it. Just thank them appropriately and in the spirit of passing on that gratitude. A great way to thank someone is toe also pass them on at some point and to let them know that you did that. So pay it forward and share that good feeling that you're going to get as you play that role as well.

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Speaker 1: You know what I would do in this situation?

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Speaker 2: What's that?

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Speaker 1: I would bake him a pie. This is like anytime someone has declined, you know the financial. That's when I go for the I guess e guess for me. I go for the comfort food to give them, but it's I go for like that kind of more e don't know. I keep wanting to say down home country exchange, but That's not true, because it happens in cities. Absolutely. You know what I mean? No. But something of yourself that neighbor exchange? Yeah, that's yes, that that kind of Just like I'm so grateful, you know, maybe think of it is like, here's something I shine at, and it's so easy for me to do this. And I know most people I give this thing to enjoy it, You know what I mean? And so you just go for it. And, um whether that's a cake or cookies or a spice mix or ah, stew or casserole, I have no idea. Maybe it's take out from the absolute best place you can think of or your favorite spot,

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Speaker 2: or you do calligraphy or have a favorite.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, there you go. There you go much better than the take out idea. Like Dan makes these like mixed nuts with all these different spices and then, like, that would be like something. But just something that, as Dan said, is kind of of you. And I would suggest leaving a note with it, and I would I I just say something like, You know, I have so many moments where I'm so grateful for all the little clothes that you've shared with us. So lucky to have you as a neighbor, you know, wanted hope you enjoy the pie. Like whatever it is, like something simple like that. And I think it makes it harder for them to turn it down.

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Speaker 1: Okay, so they don't want to say you have to force your gratitude and someone, but like No, but you could be

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Speaker 2: persistent about something like this. And

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Speaker 1: yeah, it's because, like in the moment, they'd be like, No, don't bake me a pie. Don't worry about what? Don't worry about what? I just showed up on their doorstep with a cute little note. You know, like,

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Speaker 2: No, it's gonna be appreciated. And it's a I could call it a netiquette bonus. But it's almost for something like this, where the question is about how do I do something a little extra? I think it's a good idea toe. Think about doing something a little extra something a little more than that note. Although that note is kind of the thing. And if that was what you did, it would be a good step. The other little bonus that I was thinking about as I read this question, it's sort of hinted that there's

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Speaker 1: another little baby

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Speaker 2: coming, which means there might be a moment in the future where there's gonna be a real opportunity to do a reciprocal good

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Speaker 1: to be back. Maybe it's not those clothes.

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Speaker 2: Maybe it's a really nice shower gift or a shower gift that's personal, or something that's meaningful to you or something that you would want to share a that time. But you definitely can in your little social register in your mind, put a little check like, Oh, these people did a nice thing for me, and I'm looking for an opportunity to do something nice for them and toe to pay it back that way. In the future, when the opportunity presents itself,

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Speaker 1: thankfully, clothes, we certainly hope that this answer helps you express all your

00:29:27

Speaker 2: gratitude for your very awesome neighbor.

00:29:32

Speaker 2: Thank you for your questions. Please send us updates or feedback on our answers. Toe Awesome etiquette of Emily post dot com. You can leave us a voicemail or text at 802858 kind. That's 8028585463 You can also reach us on social media on Twitter. We're at Emily Post Inst on instagram were at Emily Post Institute on on Facebook were awesome etiquette. Just remember to use the hashtag awesome etiquette with your post so that we know you want your question on the show.

00:30:05

Speaker 1: If you love awesome etiquette, please consider becoming a sustaining member by visiting us at patryan dot com slash awesome etiquette. You'll get access to an ADS free version of the show and bonus questions and content. Plus, you'll feel great knowing that you helped to keep awesome etiquette on the air. And for those of you who are already sustaining members, thank you so much for your support.

00:30:31

Speaker 1: It's

00:30:31

Speaker 2: time for our feedback segment where we hear from you about the questions we answer and the topics we cover.

00:30:36

Speaker 1: And today we

00:30:37

Speaker 2: hear from June about our discussion on coasters.

00:30:41

Speaker 1: Hi, Lizzie and Dan. Here are my ideas about coasters. If people will be immediately seated, you can hand out coasters along with the drinks. This doesn't work. If some people will be standing or there is a delay, it's too awkward to hold both the coaster and drink.

00:31:00

Speaker 1: If it's a serve yourself set up at a large party, you can put extra coasters on the serving cart or table along with an attention grabbing, friendly note like Please take me with you. Announce of prevention. You can buy or rent stemmed glassware. I just checked, and it can be purchased for only a couple of dollars a stem. In a more casual setting, you can use insulated cups and mugs.

00:31:26

Speaker 1: All of that said, I have never been offended by someone giving me a coaster. Nor have I ever had any hesitation and saying, Oh, I'm sorry, Let me grab you a coaster for that or Oh, sorry, I should have given you a coaster. Ah, vague. I'm sorry, softens the ask, even if it's a bit nonsensical. If a coaster is sitting right there unused to save embarrassment, I give the guests a different coaster. It's a great kindness to overlook minor missteps. Cheers, June. I like all that advice.

00:31:58

Speaker 2: I like June's. I'm sorry. Interruption. That assumes the fault. Eso that you're explicitly taking that responsibility, absolving the guest as you make the correction

00:32:10

Speaker 1: as you the host, it must. I like that. I like it. Take it on and take care of it. June. Excellent advice. Thank you so much for sending it in

00:32:20

Speaker 2: on the successful party. Needs planning and skill, whether it's a special carnival designed for gay entertainment. Ah, holiday party. They all take planning, and they should all be fun.

00:32:34

Speaker 2: And thank you for sending us your thoughts and updates. Please do keep them coming. You can send your next piece of feedback question or update awesome etiquette of Emily post dot com. Or leave us a voicemail or text. 802858 kind That's 8028585463

00:32:52

Speaker 2: It's time for our post script segment, where we dive deeper into a topic of etiquette, and

00:32:58

Speaker 1: this week

00:32:59

Speaker 2: we're

00:32:59

Speaker 1: gonna be

00:32:59

Speaker 2: talking about a pleasant surprise that happened at the Emily Post Institute.

00:33:04

Speaker 1: It just so happens that we actually went to the institute to pick up the mail this week, and that we had a lovely package waiting for us from an Emily Post fan who had sent us. They're very treasured copy of Children Are People by Emily Post, which is Emily's first sort of parenting book. It was an excellent condition and that the note from Mr ER Barrett was lovely. It was It was very brief, but it let us know that, um, this book was was one that his mother prized and that they were They consulted multiple times when Mr Burnett was growing up. He said that although your library may already have copies of this home, you may not have won that so affected the raising of two Children. And we just thought that was really special and thoughtful, and we're very grateful. Any copies of Emily's books were always grateful to have s o that that was kind of the exciting thing, But But Dan and I both we like this book. This is kind of a fun one. It is.

00:34:07

Speaker 2: And it always makes me think of my mother because she wrote are sort of contemporary Children's book. Siri's and I know that when she was writing it, she was looking back through the Emily Post tradition, obviously, and Emily. This was her very personal book about parenting, sort of her personal thoughts about it. Yeah, and I know Cindy's got a favorite passage that we've read on the show that It's this sort of description of a child like a rainbow and the different colors that they shine. And

00:34:35

Speaker 1: anyway, well, it is, and

00:34:39

Speaker 2: I'll be honest, I It's not a book that I've read. So it's the passage from it that I think about as being representative the book. But I like the opportunity to maybe crack it

00:34:48

Speaker 1: open and take a look at

00:34:49

Speaker 2: some other parts

00:34:50

Speaker 1: of it. I know, right. It's I always love the title of it because the idea that Children are people, it's to me That's Emily at her classic, which is, you know, let me flip the perspective. This isn't about getting a child to fit into your life. A child is a whole person. But the book does crack me up in places because Emily is so opinionated in it. They're places that have just excellent, you know, still like advice. That still rings true today. But then other places where Dan and I kind of giggle and like you speaking to someone in particular M s. So we thought we'd read you to to such passages. So the first one begins on page 15, and it's under the section called the habit of thinking about other people. Obviously a great, great thing for a Children's advocate book to be talking about. About halfway through, she's begins

00:35:39

Speaker 1: the child in his high chair in the kitchen, who watches his busy mother, is eager to do, which he does not to be amused by himself, but as soon as he understands to be of help

00:35:50

Speaker 1: As he grows older, he loves still more to feel that his work in quotes is riel in italics and toe. Let him feel that his mother depends upon his help is one of the most satisfying methods of training known, no matter how much easier it may be for her to do whatever it is alone, she will perhaps not regret toothy extra work, which letting him help puts her, too. If she can Onley realize that practice will, in a surprisingly short time bring capability, that will mean reward to her as well as to him. And I thought that was very sweet. I actually I remember my sister, like teaching my nephew having him join and doing all the little things. You know, that that she was doing whatever it was if it was picking up the living room or working in the kitchen, and it was just cute to see that one really carry through over the years. Good job, Nice work. Good job. You say a lot of that. I hear you on the phone thing. A lot of that. Next passages. More of that that Emily seems she just can't help herself kind of a passage, and it begins on page 25 under the title A Don't for grandmother.

00:37:03

Speaker 1: Perhaps this is the place, however, to set down an important don't for the grand parents or other relatives who feels inclined to interfere with the training of the Children. It is this colon new paragraph, all uppercase letters. Never forget that each young mother must be allowed to bring up her Children as she sees fit, Whether you as a grandmother, think they are being absolutely ruined or not. If from unquestionable knowledge, you see that the health or happiness or permanent behavior of the child is in danger, you can ask for a hearing of your opinion when the Children are not present and say what you think and why you think it. It may be that your daughter in law or daughter will agree with you and even ask your further advice again. It may be that she will disagree and will, unless you are wisely, tactful, resent your criticism. But in either case, unless she asks in italics your opinion, you must not bring the subject up again.

00:38:09

Speaker 1: Final word.

00:38:11

Speaker 2: So I'm gonna make a little note in our show script that we need to do a post script about Emily's mother in law at some point.

00:38:17

Speaker 1: Oh, at some point, I think we dio um, but I I just I love the fact that both of these pieces of advice are something that, you know, grandmothers and mothers struggled in so many of the same ways. Um, you know, back in 1922 and in 2020. Um, but that idea of you know who's offering advice? That's helpful. How do you talk to someone if you you're seeing something, um, that you don't like, But at the same time you're trying to respect them. You can kind of hear the CRH coming out in all these different ways.

00:38:56

Speaker 2: Absolutely. Well, it was certainly considerate of Mr Burnett to send us this copy. We appreciated the gesture of the thoughtfulness and the opportunity to share Children are people with the awesome etiquette audience.

00:39:09

Speaker 1: Oh, manners.

00:39:11

Speaker 1: You know, we like to end our show on a high note. So we turn to you to hear about the good etiquette you're seeing and experiencing out in the world, and I am just going to give a call out that we want to hear more. I know people aren't interacting quite as much, but send us your best. Let's hear about it.

00:39:27

Speaker 1: It can come in so many forms. And today we hear from Jennifer,

00:39:32

Speaker 1: Hi,

00:39:32

Speaker 2: Daniel and Lizzie. I've been listening to your podcast for the past year. It has been truly awesome for me. It has made me more aware of the little things that can count for a lot and make a big difference toe how people feel. I have a salute for a school mom who invited our family to a school Christmas party at her house. Her daughter attends prep first year of school with my son. The party was lovely until my son had a meltdown. My boy has a d, h. D and autism. But this isn't evident to an untrained observer he just appears a little quirky and very active. It is not a diagnosis I had shared with this month anyway. Children with autism could get over stimulated and loud and crowded environments. And this is what happened to my son. Something set him off. He started kicking his sister and screaming, and when I tried to intervene through a cushion at a cabinet full of ornaments, breaking a vase, it was humiliating. And everyone was standing around staring as my son ran off, crying, suddenly ashamed of what he had done.

00:40:31

Speaker 2: This lady, our hostess, was so very gracious, she checked that my son was okay, was empathetic, commenting that Children get very stressed at this time of year. Then somehow she managed to put a positive spin on the situation, getting people standing around, staring toe laugh. She said the vase was from her ex husband, and she had been looking for a way to get rid of it anyway. And in her culture, breaking glass can be good luck. I was truly thankful for her approach, and for lightning, the heaviness and staring eyes. It was still humiliating, but made bearable by her kindness. I

00:41:05

Speaker 1: realize this may be a

00:41:06

Speaker 2: bit heavy for the podcast, but thought I'd send it in any way. It can be hard having a child with an invisible disability and people like this who act nonjudgmental e in the face of unusual behavior, whether they understand it or not, make parents like us feel less alone. Thanks again for your great work. Kind regards, Jennifer.

00:41:25

Speaker 1: Oh, Jennifer, thank you so much for sharing. And that is that, you know, way talk about being that gracious host. And this is a really beautiful of example of it. You know, we get those questions that are like, What if I What if something gets spilled? What if something happens? And it's always that kind of gasp moment where something really does go wrong. And this host just clearly had such poise and grace and even good humor. Um, and really put put guests at ease over it, and that's that's just wonderful. It's a great share. Thank you, Jennifer.

00:42:01

Speaker 2: Jennifer, Thank you so much for this salute

00:42:03

Speaker 2: on.

00:42:04

Speaker 1: Thank you for listening

00:42:06

Speaker 2: and thank you to everyone who sent us something and

00:42:09

Speaker 1: thank you to everybody who supports us on patryan. Please

00:42:12

Speaker 2: connect with us and share the show with friends, family and co workers. However, you like to share podcasts,

00:42:18

Speaker 1: you can send us questions, feedback and salutes by email. Toe awesome etiquette at Emily post dot com.

00:42:24

Speaker 2: You can leave us a voicemail or text at 802858 kind. That's 8028585463

00:42:30

Speaker 1: on Twitter We're at Emily Post on INSTAGRAM were at Emily Post Institute and on Facebook Were Awesome Etiquette and the Emily Post

00:42:38

Speaker 2: Institute. Please consider becoming a sustaining member. You can find out more about this by visiting patryan dot com slash awesome etiquette. You

00:42:47

Speaker 1: can also

00:42:47

Speaker 2: subscribe to the ads version of our show on Spotify or your favorite podcast app, and please consider leaving us a review. Our show is edited by Chris Albertine, an assistant produced by Brigitte Battle. Thanks Christmas, Bridget

00:43:11

Speaker 2: Mhm