Episode 331 - Give That Back, Please

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Speaker 1: Maybe it's just that you don't know how to use social courtesy that's old fashioned.

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Speaker 1: Watch how

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Speaker 2: busy Post and Dan posts and act as host and hostess.

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Speaker 2: They know that courtesy means showing respect, thinking of the other person. Really. Friendliness. Hello

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Speaker 1: and welcome toe Awesome etiquette,

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Speaker 2: where we explore modern etiquette through the lens of consideration, respect and honesty.

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Speaker 1: On today's show, we take your questions on the added burden for hosts during the pandemic. Online tributes to deceased loved ones that include political references, friends who borrow things and don't return them. And can you ask for them back and expectations for soon To be honest.

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Speaker 2: For awesome etiquette sustaining members, our question of the week is about a workstation hygiene issue,

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Speaker 1: plus your most excellent feedback etiquette salute and a postscript segment where we dive into Laura Claridges biography of Emily Post and get a little bit about her experience in

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Speaker 2: her early days of radio. All that coming up

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Speaker 2: awesome etiquette comes to you from the studios of our home offices in Vermont and is proud to be produced by the Emily Post Institute.

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Speaker 1: I'm Lizzie Post

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Speaker 2: and I'm Dan Post Senning.

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Speaker 1: Hey kuz good evening. Good evening, Thio. Quite a lot for us to get here today. It

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Speaker 2: was It was. But it is. It is good to be with, You know,

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Speaker 1: it is good. I'm always always happy to be recording the podcast. And today we have a fun intro to talk about because you're trying to plan a birthday party. I kind of can't believe it. It's 1/4

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Speaker 2: birthday party. And for those of you that have been on this show since we first announced that we were expecting Puccini can't believe that Anisha is going to turn four at the end of this

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Speaker 1: month. A big deal. She's like a little kid now. Not like a big toddler, you know. Oh,

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Speaker 2: my goodness. She has visions. So cupcakes and the decorations and

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Speaker 2: Mom and Dad wanted come through.

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Speaker 1: Mhm. How are you thinking about handling it with, Of course, being sort of pretty isolated were both where you are physically as well as we're not allowed to gather here in Vermont.

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Speaker 2: Yeah. Now we're in the early stages of figuring out what's even possible on. And the reality is that there are a few households that are, um, under protocols that air close enough that it's with a little planning with a little bit of work and some good communication. We're hoping that we can have a little party for, but yeah, no, it'll it'll

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Speaker 1: be a limited

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Speaker 2: affair and it'll be well organized. But that's why we're already thinking about it

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Speaker 1: s Have you hit the stage now where she like I mean, you said that she's got ideas and she's dreaming. Is it like the crazy kind of dreaming that I remember doing danger? Danger? But yeah, like you think about your birthday for, like, weeks in advance like, Well, it all kinds of stuff did

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Speaker 2: not help. The Christmas was such a smashing three and almost four year old success because all of a sudden this idea of putting together a list and, like maybe presents just appear. Oh,

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Speaker 1: she's made the connection. She Oh, man, I remember it was always so much fun all the different kinds of games and decorations that my parents would try to think up like they would stand around the room and, like, toss but balls of string to each other and create this giant spider web and each string of the spider web like lead to a goody bag, you know, and that would keep us busy at the party for hours like it's Yeah, I know. That's a really fun one. You got to do pretty wide and simple webs for the little kids, but for for the older ones, that could get a bit more complicated. I

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Speaker 2: was gonna ask what your favorite was. You already told me I was imagining Blind Man's bluff. You know, it's like games where you're blindfolded but have to find something. People give you direction, and there's different ways to play

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Speaker 1: it. Way also did a lot of peanut hunts when I was a kid, and you'd have to go like they're just rather than, like, candy or stuff like that. It was always peanuts in the shell, which I don't. I just remember a lot of those at birthday parties when I was little. They were always fun and something you could do in the winter time to if you had to be outdoors and massed up with the kids. You know, little scavenger hunt type thing might be kind of fun. I like on streamers. I was always big on streamers I liked. I liked having the decorations that, like hung around and created, you know, just for quality. One

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Speaker 2: of our favorite books is about an etiquette Princess tea party, and the planning that goes into the etiquette Princess Tea Party is elaborate and joy joyous on bond. That's definitely, I think, a big part of the magic for Anisha.

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Speaker 1: Well, I'll be excited to see what comes of it and and maybe, just maybe, there'll be a zoom link sent out that I can I can pop on or we could do a face time. But it's it sounds like you guys were gonna have a really fun time and make it special, despite the kind of really different circumstances were under this year.

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Speaker 2: Well, you will definitely be there.

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Speaker 1: That was totally me fishing for an invite. Guys, come one that's like the not good version of those guests. Dance where the guests like like steps first. But

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Speaker 2: you knew you were going to get that in

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Speaker 1: detention. I was pretty sure, Anyway, do you think that we should possibly get to some questions? I think we should let's do it.

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Speaker 2: Let's do it.

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Speaker 1: Awesome etiquette is here to answer your questions. You can email them toe awesome etiquette at Emily post dot com. Leave a voicemail or text at 802858 kind. That's 8028585463 Or you can reach us on social media on Twitter. We're at Emily Post Inst on instagram. We are at Emily Post Institute and on Facebook were awesome etiquette. Just use hashtag awesome etiquette with your post so that we know you want your question on

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Speaker 2: the show.

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Speaker 2: Our first question this week is about a cove. It crowd conundrum. I have a question regarding Cove it and gatherings. I was invited to a small gathering of four or five people and a good friend's backyard to celebrate her birthday.

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Speaker 2: We'll be ableto be socially distanced as it is outside around a fire and can access the backyard without going inside. I know that the hostess has put a lot of thought into planning this in order to make everyone feel comfortable. I'm not as close with the other guests, but we have all known each other for a long time.

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Speaker 2: It turns out that one of the guests recently had a mild case of co vid. They are okay. Thankfully, they quarantined for 10 days, according to CDC guidelines, and were cleared to go back to work yesterday.

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Speaker 2: This birthday gathering is tonight, which is day three of their post quarantine. This guest asked the hostess toe. Let everyone know their situation but not to reveal their name. Just a couple of days before the gathering, I think the sentiment was to be transparent so that people can decide whether or not they're comfortable with it. Am I wrong to think this is an odd burden to put on the hostess? I appreciate the person's concern for everyone, and I respect their privacy, but I feel like it's their responsibility to handle the information, not the hostess. Since this is a very optional gathering to attend, I find it a little strange to put so much concern on the hostess when the whole point is to celebrate her birthday, a couple guests expressed concern as they spend time around elderly people at the same time, no one wants to exclude this other person who remains anonymous, tow us, especially since they followed CDC guidelines. I'm trying to put myself in their shoes. If I'm choosing to go to this gathering and feel it's important for everyone to know my recent history with co vid, I think that I would make the calls myself to the other guests. And if I don't feel comfortable doing this and want to remain private, then I might decide to sadly sit this one out and wait enough days before I do go to feel comfortable gathering. Am I totally off the mark with this? This is a tricky topic, and I'm curious to hear your insights. Thanks. Anonymous

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Speaker 1: anonymous. I have I have so many thoughts on this, but for the most part, the first one that you're saying is am I off the mark? And I don't I don't think you're totally off the mark on this. I kind of agree with you that if I was going to go to something and I had had cove it. But I had had gone through all the right precautions and was outside of the quarantine limits and everything like that. In other words, I was really safe to reenter. I personally might not worry about it and just go because I'm at that stage where sort of all the people I would trust are telling me it's okay to re enter your okay to go back to work, that sort of thing. I might lean into that or like you say, I would if I didn't feel comfortable about the amount of time. Or I thought other people might not feel comfortable if they found out afterwards or something. Then, yeah, I might decline the invitation and just not not create the worry. Um, Dan, I could keep going, but I want to give you a chance to jump in before I just keep keep rambling on. There's so many things I kind of like a agreed with and could see be done a little bit differently here. It's

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Speaker 2: such a subtle host guest dance, but big picture. My jumping off point was very similar to yours, that as a guest or in playing any role in a situation like this, I want to control as much as I can control. And I wanna put his little burden on anyone else as possible. So thinking about it from the guest perspective Yeah, My first instinct is very similar. Thio

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Speaker 2: not do something that I think would require other people toe have difficult conversations. And like you, I would make the choice for myself that I'm safe and I'm okay with this and do it or say you know what? I don't think I'm comfortable putting this burden on my host, even if I'm comfortable being there and decline the invitation. And having said that, this is a time where I think we're giving each other a lot of latitude. I think there's room to maybe step outside the usual expected parameters in ways that are appropriate to the circumstances and situations were in. And I do think there are ways that as hosts and guests, you might get beyond those initial impulses. Thio not be a burden because if you can ask a little bit of people, it enables the gathering toe happen in a way that otherwise just wouldn't and there's a real benefit to that. If if you could do it in a way that it feels like that balance, that tradeoff is worth it.

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Speaker 1: There's a question in this question about responsibility and where is it? Where does it fall? And I do actually think that it's worth exploring the idea that the responsibility does a little bit fall on the host if the host so host, guest dance, right? Guest calls a post after receiving invitation. Hey, I really want to come and technically, I'm completely cleared. In fact, I've been back at work for two days now. I just didn't know if other people would worry. I don't want them to know that this is the circumstance, but I kind of felt like maybe we should let people know in case they were uncomfortable and found out later or something. You know, I could hear a conversation like that happening, and the host says, Oh, yeah, I know we could do that and takes it on and decides to say if I'm going to say yes to this guest and they're possibly some parameters and I still think if you're going back to work in that sort of thing, I I think you're kind of in this area of it really is up to you whether you tell people that you had it or not. I don't know, Dan in my off on that

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Speaker 2: No, no, you're URAS. Long as you're following the public health guidelines, that's your personal okay, Information.

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Speaker 1: So there was part of it where I was like, Well, if the host decides to take this on and chooses to do it this way, you know, then that's that is sort of the host choosing to take on the responsibility and be a part of it. That was just one of the things where I was like, I could see this, you know, kind of kind of being absorbed by the host. I had a

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Speaker 2: similar thought, and I like your idea of the host assuming some responsibility either in that conversation or just in playing the role of host for gathering. And at this particular moment, part of those hosting responsibilities is communicating about public health protocols and how those air gonna be handled. I was thinking about it from the guest perspective a little bit. And as a guest, there was

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Speaker 1: something that

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Speaker 2: felt a little awkward to me about the guest calling other guests for a party to talk about something that might impact whether they go or not. And I just that there were potential issues there that also felt like they were may be problematic. And I like thinking about it from the positive host side rather than the negative guest side. But it's, I think, the same thought about where that responsibility lies

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Speaker 1: a little bit. Yeah, and I could see among a group of friends who all really know each other it not being a big deal, to pass it on to the guest, to let people know. But at the same time, it's the hosts party and the like. Usually they are the hub of the communication then, but like that, and it almost seems like you're sending your guest out to go check with everyone. If it's okay that they come and it, it just it starts Well, it's exactly why Anonymous wrote in. It starts to feel awkward, you know, in different ways when you when you kind of try to play it out without

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Speaker 2: knowing the details of exactly how the communication happened between the host and the guest that was raising this potential concern, it's hard to know exactly how that dance happened. It is also easy to understand how it could happen. It's ah, situation that is complicated. There a lot of ins and outs and get it presents, Um, really clear etiquette questions. Anonymous. Thank you so much for the question. We hope that our answer has helped you address some of those etiquette questions.

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Speaker 1: A dynamic community health program, physicians, voluntary agencies and the health department working together can do much to ensure your well being and that of your Children.

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Speaker 1: It can provide the kind of environment which is essential to good health and wholesome living. But a modern, full time health department cannot exist without active citizens support.

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Speaker 1: It's up to you.

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Speaker 1: Our next question is titled Political Posts.

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Speaker 1: I removed a politically lace tribute to my mother from a funeral homes website, the very first eulogy to be posted to my deceased mother's memorial. On her quote unquote tribute wall. I mentioned it to my sister, a friend of the writer, asking that she let her friend know that all kind and comforting words are welcome. But that, given my mother was not a political activist, had friends whose beliefs spanned all political views and especially given the contentious and divisive nature of this recent election, I believe including a political reference to my mother might exclude, offend and surely be of no comfort to those who feel differently. We're not even sure my mother supported this slate. She was private about her politics and appeared nonpartisan in her relationships. My sister disagreed. The Post is back up with an additional partisan political reference. Chastised and chastened, I dropped it. But my relationship with my siblings appears forever damaged over references to what was merely a blip in my mother's 94 years. Clearly, our relationship issues are deeper than this and best addressed elsewhere. But was I wrong to censor tributes to my mother? Anonymous Anonymous? Thank you

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Speaker 2: for this question. I want to start off by offering our condolences on the loss of your mother. And I'm also sorry that what can be a difficult time has become more difficult because of a sibling conflict and issues with the tribute wall in the way your mother is being remembered. The question of how we talk about politics and public places is a big one. It's a big part of etiquette, something we've talked about on this show a lot, and precisely because definition Aly people have both very strong and very different feelings about certain topics. They are potentially controversial, and they're not always controversial. That doesn't mean that they are always revoting or inappropriate or going to be offensive to everybody who hears them back. Quite the contrary. If we didn't have those conversations and have them well, our civil society wouldn't function, are spiritually Selves without atrophy, our emotional Selves would not be nourished. And there are times and places to have those conversations, and we get to make choices about where we have, Um, so

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Speaker 2: in in the my big picture, thinking about this is an entirely appropriate for you and your family to decide and to monitor how a public conversation, how something like a tribute wall is managed. And it is certainly a decision that many people make that they're just not gonna have political conversations, in particular in certain forums where they know that people are gonna have very different opinions about that, and they want to keep the focus on something else. I

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Speaker 1: agree. And I think that one of the hard things about this particular situation is that

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Speaker 1: you've got differing opinions by a group that sort of all, frankly, usually equally represent the deceased who can't speak. And so it might have felt to your siblings like they would have wished that you would ask first and and talked to all of them about it. Kind of get the family consensus before deciding on everyone else's behalf. So I think that here and you state there are other things in your sibling relationship that that might also need work on, and that's for a different a different time. But one of the places to maybe start building that bridge back could be in recognizing that the decision to take it down before speaking with, um, even though we we agree, we we think that political comments probably aren't, you know, a good thing to be making in these spaces and that a family should have the right to take that down if they if they didn't feel it. And I liked the fact that you reached out with a, you know, thank you for for the kind words kind of message towards the person. But I can see how the siblings just might have felt a little bit steamrolled by that in a place to reach out and sort of try to work on. It might be in coming up with an apology. You feel confident about for that part of the process if that's something you feel you could take on. And it should also be noted that, you know, I don't necessarily think that the siblings, after hearing that Anonymous, was upset by the comment and didn't think it should be up there. Then go and put it back up and sort of double down on it with an extra comment. You know, added to it, I think that that seems like a bit much. And again, I would hope that that people would talk that stuff out rather than acted

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Speaker 2: out. I couldn't agree more because and I think it gives room for the reasonable request of, for the sake of all of our sensibilities or even just my sensibilities. I'd really appreciate it if we could approach it this way, and by acknowledging that you hadn't checked in, it might make it a lot easier for them to hear. That is a really reasonable request.

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Speaker 1: Anonymous. Again, We're so sorry for the loss of your mother, and we do hope that you and your siblings are able to find ways to support and comfort each other at this time

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Speaker 1: in any family way are bound to encounter a certain amount of rivalry among the brothers and sisters.

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Speaker 1: Rivalry for attention

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Speaker 1: for a team

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Speaker 1: and it's not too strong to say for love,

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Speaker 2: our next question asked. Her would like them to give back the game.

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Speaker 2: Good afternoon, Lizzie and Dan. Happy New Year. I listened to your show often and appreciate all the information and stories that you share. I am always passing along tidbits to my family. Thank you for providing such a wonderful service. Please keep up the good work.

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Speaker 2: My 20 year old son and 16 year old daughter loaned a Wii game to a family friend over 18 months ago during the pandemic. My son and daughter have been playing more video games together and would like to have this game returned to them. I have offered to buy a new game for my Children and let the friend keep this game that was loan a year and a half ago, then not even broach the subject. The kids were happy to have a new game but would prefer their old game.

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Speaker 2: My son is telling me that the game has memory, remembers what they have built and they worked hard to get to that point. They would like the specific game back so they don't have to start from scratch.

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Speaker 1: We're good enough

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Speaker 2: friends with this family. I am closest to the mom, but the kids still keep in touch. Occasionally, it feels awkward to reach out and ask for the game back after this long. I don't even know if they still have it or would remember it was loan to them by my son. I don't want to cause any panic in their houses. They try to find this game. Do we even bring this up, or do I buy a brand new game and offer that to the family and ask for our game back? I am happy to buy my kids a new version of this game and have them start over on the game. If that is the best course of action, we would all appreciate your suggestions on what is the most considerate way to handle this. Please ask if you need any clarification. Thank you so much. Sincerely, Barb

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Speaker 1: Barb E. 1st, 1st Emily

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Speaker 2: Post Institute one on Xbox 3 60 from a FedEx supplier A few years ago, and it got passed around the office and we've all shared it and traded it around. And I just got it back from Lizzie. Not that long

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Speaker 1: ago. I couldn't. It was like something happened when my last roommate left and I couldn't get it to work anymore. And I finally gave up and asked and to just take it because he and the girls would have way more fun

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Speaker 2: with it. It's so awesome. We're having so much fun with it, and my nerdiest cause play playing. Old friends are loaning the games that are perfect for the kids, and I'm now on game loan cycles with other households. And I'm discovering the memory, the saved games from the Children of people that worked at Emily posed years ago. It's been so much fun anyway. Sorry, sorry, Sorry. We will answer this question, I promise.

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Speaker 1: Barb, thank you for the question, and I I will admit, and it's probably an ages thing to say, but I keep giggling a little bit when I turned back and remember that we're talking about a 20 year old in a 16 year old, but my advice kind of is still the same where I keep wanting you to drop this back in your kids laps like they I know you're closest to the mom of the family, like, probably more in touch with her than the kids are with the kid who has the we. But I think that you should just tell them that if they want it back, they could go ask for it. And I like, I see that being mawr normal between, like, neighbors or family friends like I would totally call up. You know, the Philips kids and be like, Hey, do you guys still have that thing that we used to play with? Do you remember? You know, or whatever it is that I'm looking for, you know? So is there any way I could borrow? That is any way I could get that back. Like, I just don't see that being a really difficult conversation. And if it was remember, Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, totally. And and just saying like and okay, if you don't know worries. But I thought I'd check before we go get a new one, you know, because like the moms offering to buy him a new one, but they're like if we could get the old one back, that'd be great. But we don't know if the other kid has the old one. Whether they're gonna be willing to give it back. That's a whole other etiquette question. But like, it's funny how with with something like this, it wouldn't surprise me like it just wouldn't surprise me to hear from someone eventually asking for it back, especially given the pandemic circumstances where gaming is just shot through the roof. You know,

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Speaker 2: absolutely. And I instantly jumped in my mind to borrowing etiquette. Yeah, some of the big things we've talked about on this show that if you you lend something that you're comfortable with, the fact that you've given up some control, that if you don't get it back, you understand that there's some risk associated with lending something to someone inherently, and that you can communicate the importance of a return and all that. But there

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Speaker 1: is always a certain amount of risk

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Speaker 2: and that there are certain etiquette as ah as a borrower that if there isn't agreed upon term, that you give something back, that you give it back in good condition, that you make an effort to return something before someone has to ask you to

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Speaker 1: return it, just to avoid that awkwardness that you maybe don't go and delete old stored things on. There I am, even though they haven't asked for it back in three years. Exactly.

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Speaker 2: And I'm guessing based on the way this is all presented, that we're in a situation where that term wasn't defined. I don't feel like there's any breach that's going on right now, so I really like your sample script option essentially of introduce it, and you introduce it in a way that's relatively low cost and doesn't put a big burden on anyone. But it's not an unreasonable ask

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Speaker 1: Barb. Thank you so much for giving us a chance to talk about video games through borrowing, and we certainly hope that your kids are able to get the we back.

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Speaker 1: Our next question is titled Anxious Auntie Hello, Lizzie and Dan. My husband and I do not have our own Children by choice. We have several nieces and nephews, including two honorary Children not related by blood, and we have made it a goal to be the best on an uncle. We can be even though this is years and years in the future. I'm a planner, and I want to start putting aside money for the bridal and baby showers, as I would like to host them when the time comes, I realized that I need to be flexible and that there may not be showers or someone else might host etcetera. But I'd still like to have a little set aside so I could do it right if I have the opportunity. My questions are as the aunt, am I allowed to host showers. I know the mother isn't supposed to host, but can the aunt or honorary aunt host? And when the time comes, is it proper for me to offer to host the shower? Or do I need to be asked to host the shower? If I may offer to host? Do I approach the bride or the mother to be or her mother? Finally, for the nephews? Can I offer to host for their fiancees to or does that privilege resides strictly with the bride or the mother to bees family?

00:28:11

Speaker 1: Thank you for your wonderful, helpful podcast and for taking the time to answer my questions. Best proud

00:28:18

Speaker 2: Aunt proud on. Thank you so much for the question. Um, Lizzie Post. Should I

00:28:24

Speaker 1: like the

00:28:24

Speaker 2: proud on answer

00:28:25

Speaker 1: the question, or should I say this just sounds awesome in everywhere. There's an uncle in here, too. There's an uncle in here to you know what it's like to have nieces.

00:28:34

Speaker 2: I sure dio. I sure do.

00:28:35

Speaker 1: I love this question. This is this is a proud on. And I think we can just kind of, like, run right through the answers because they're pretty straightforward. Yeah. You wanna bouncing back and forth.

00:28:46

Speaker 2: Okay. Let me let me feed them to you. Okay. As the aunt, am I allowed to host showers?

00:28:51

Speaker 1: Absolutely. Nowadays, it's perfectly fine. Even though you are pretty close to the to the person being celebrated, it's still okay. And

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Speaker 2: frankly, an honorary aunt is almost like the perfect person to host a shower. I mean, if you were to look up the textbook traditional etiquette definition of who would be a great person to host a shower, that would be it when the time comes. Is it proper for me to offer to host the shower? Or do I need to be asked

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Speaker 1: both either both, And, um, it's it's really up to you. Once you hear the news, you can always offer or tell them when when you're ready to start thinking about a shower, I would love to host one for you. Getting out ahead of the game actually often is helpful. Um, that way they don't kind of feel like they're looking or trying to figure out. You know who could host? I think that it's also perfectly fine if someone gets to you before you get to them and instead they ask you, it's There's nothing about that that says you put them in an awkward position of having to ask or something like

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Speaker 2: that. I like that idea of letting people know your plans as early as possible, having a discussion with them exactly like you're having with us asking this question. I think it's such a great idea toe. Let them enjoy the idea of this, the way you are

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Speaker 1: and bear in mind. They might have a lot of offers, and so you might get the the answer of Oh, let me think about that and talked to a couple other people. It's you know there's there's always a lot of people who want to celebrate.

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Speaker 2: If I may offer to host, I approach the bride or mother to be or her

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Speaker 1: mother, this one, I think it kind of can come up naturally. You might be talking to the bride or the mother to be and say and and let them know that that you'd be more than happy to host a shower. Or you might be talking to their mom and say, Oh, I was thinking of hosting a shower. Do you think I should offer it to? Actually, you know that that might be another way to go, and then the mom can let you know. But I think either way, it's

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Speaker 2: fine. Finally, for the nephews. Can I offer to host for their fiancees to or does that privilege resides strictly with the bride or mother to be his family?

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Speaker 1: It doesn't reside strictly with your nephews, fiancee's family or partners family, Um, but it is, ah, little more traditional that someone from their camp might host. But if nobody's offered you, stepping up would be really thoughtful. There's also nothing that says that there can be multiple showers. Sometimes people do have showers for each side of the family, especially if they're large.

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Speaker 2: We're definitely hearing about that quite often, and I am personally a big fan of those Jack and Jill Showers for weddings and babies and all things, because there's just so much

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Speaker 1: fun. Dan likes it when both both partners air present proud

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Speaker 2: on it is so clear that you are a proud on. We hope that our answer helps you with the etiquette side of this as you continue to enjoy this planning process for years to come.

00:31:44

Speaker 2: Thank you

00:31:46

Speaker 1: for your questions. Please send us updates or feedback on our answers. Toe awesome etiquette at Emily post dot com. Or you can leave a voicemail or text 802858 kind. That's 8028585463 You can reach us on social media on Twitter. We're at Emily Post inst on instagram were at Emily Post Institute and on Facebook were awesome etiquette. Just use the hashtag awesome etiquette with your social media posts so that we know you want your question on the show.

00:32:14

Speaker 1: If you

00:32:15

Speaker 2: love awesome etiquette, consider becoming a sustaining member. You can find out more about this by visiting us at patryan dot com slash awesome etiquette. You'll get in ads, free version of the show and access to bonus questions and content. Plus, you'll feel great knowing you helped to keep awesome etiquette on the air. And to those of you who are already sustaining members, thank you so much for your support.

00:32:35

Speaker 1: It's time for our feedback segment where we hear from you about the questions we answer and the topics we cover. And today we're hearing from a sustaining member, David on fireworks.

00:32:45

Speaker 2: Greetings, Lizzie and Dan. Thank you for your wonderful podcast. I'm starting my third year as a sustaining member, a listener since the dinner party download and at least three friends or regular listeners. Now,

00:32:56

Speaker 1: thank you.

00:32:56

Speaker 2: Have I laid it in thick enough? So may I have a word with you? There's something I'd like to write about. This week's episode began with your Love of Fireworks. To be honest from the start, here's what I tell people about um, I used to love fireworks. They frighten my dogs. So now I hate fireworks. Eso keeping this to an etiquette issue. Fireworks frightened animals terribly. Additionally, they trigger PTSD and some people, especially veterans, who gave their time to protect our country. Noiseless fireworks are available. It seems we experience fireworks creep. It's not just July 4th, the dame or dogs go missing than any other, but often days surrounding it. And now New Year's Eve, when I have to sit in an upstairs bedroom with my shaking, panting pets, it makes me feel bad. I hate to be a downer, and I'm certainly not accusing people of purposefully bad behavior. But it's a concern to me and many others. I do wish you and yours a joyful, healthy and safe 2021. It's shaping up to be an improvement already best. David L.

00:34:00

Speaker 1: O David, Thank you so much. You're right with our with our love of fireworks. We did not sort of bring the other part of the conversation and actually really glad you wrote in because I did not know that noiseless fireworks existed, and that would definitely

00:34:13

Speaker 2: be something that I will be looking for. But we really appreciated hearing this perspective and being able to air it so that more people can be aware of the impact that fireworks can have on their communities. David, thank you for the feedback and thank you for being such a longstanding supporter of the show. And thank you for sending us your thoughts and updates. Please do keep them coming. You can send your next feedback update or question toe awesome etiquette at Emily post dot com or leave us a voicemail or text at 802858 kind. That's 8028585463

00:34:47

Speaker 2: Okay,

00:34:54

Speaker 2: it's time for our post script segment, where we dive deeper into a topic of etiquette, and today we're going to do a reading from Laura Claridge's book Emily Post, mistress of American Manners, Daughter of the Gilded Age. It's been a little while since we've looked at Emily Post as a historical figure, and Lizzie Post found a little reading that takes us back toe Emily around the time that she first went on the air.

00:35:19

Speaker 1: Yeah, I was kind of cool, finding something about her radio days and frankly, feeling connected to some of the things she received from her audience. The way that we interact with all of you, and it's kind of cool, so this skips around sort of a larger section that talks about her beginning career in radio.

00:35:40

Speaker 1: In November 1930 Emily began appearing regularly on New York City's W. E A F. Speaking on Friday mornings over the Columbia Broadcasting System, CBS. She was an immediate hit. Her listeners regularly wrote heartfelt compliments to the radios office, and her sponsors, of course, were delighted. I like your voice best of any on the radio. I look forward every Saturday Thio hearing it, and I bought Kamei soap because if you stand for it, it must be good, and I like it very much. The letters came in from all over the country, reinvigorating their recipient. It appeared that there was a second act, or a third or fourth, to her already impressive career. She was part of the New Age, not a dinosaur, as she had feared, and much to her pleasure, Lillian Cyclers voice, which had seemed to in tone the modern age so thoroughly that sponsors had aired her often in the late twenties, had proven to New York after all. By now, newspapers routinely listed information about radio programs, and the Brooklyn edge wasted no time in announcing Emily's new venture, Mrs Post would be talking about etiquette, her program intensely interesting and instructive. It noted more than the mere problems of manners. The author plan to discuss how ethics and etiquette were connected. Subjects with a good willed, petulant Emily complained to a reporter about her more typical experience when speaking to the public. Every time I have tried to get to the root of the matter and talk about thes really important things, she said. A delusion of Male had arrived soon afterwards, enquiring about which fork to use.

00:37:34

Speaker 1: For eight years until 1938 Emily would average 1 15 minute radio program broadcast nationally three times a week. Endearingly, she opened her initial broadcast a bit Self consciously.

00:37:49

Speaker 1: Good morning. I have just been introduced to you. I ought to have said, How do you do? No one knows this particular rule of etiquette better than I, but I think this introduction of me to you is different. We're not meeting as strangers out in public. We're not even meeting in the house of one of our friends. I have actually come into the privacy of your home off course. I don't know where I may be in your living room, but it is quite as likely that I'm in your kitchen or at your breakfast table or sitting beside your bed or wherever you happen to be. And so I can't quite picture myself as being shown into your drawing room as an afternoon visitor with my card case in my hand and saying formally, How do you dio? I just I'm going to stop it there, but I just don't Don't keep going, e Just love it. She's so delightful. And if you've ever listened thio her actual voice, you can hear it on a YouTube video. That's a very old manners video that she narrates. And it does have the sing song kind. OK,

00:39:06

Speaker 2: let's both stop right there. Just stop right there because nobody who's listening to this needs to go listen to Emily Post to know what she sounds like because you just read that in Emily Post Voice and do you know you are hearing? I know you've been listening to that radio show. I'm assuming you have, because when I saw your father signed into the Dropbox and grab a version of it, so I'm guessing there's some offline conversation going on. But also, I know what those recording sound like that you're I saw your father grabbing late last night. And there, um, you've really you you also are like her and that you are a natural actress on you have definitely mimicked her very closely. Um, in terms of the substance of the reading, I also just think it's awesome. I couldn't help do the math in my head 15 minutes, three times a

00:39:57

Speaker 1: week. That's about a 45 minute

00:39:59

Speaker 2: our podcast. What we

00:40:00

Speaker 1: dio e got to say, I really wish that we could release to you the audio that Dan is talking about. It's unfortunately owned by either NBC or CBS and and they will not give us the rights. And unfortunately, we can't we can't afford them. So it's a situation where we can't broadcast it, but it is delightful to hear her voice and to hear these recordings and and to hear her radio show, which was, frankly, very similar toe awesome etiquette, except that she would. I mean, there were two different kinds. There was the kind where she kind of opined and and talk to you through a topic And then there was the answering questions. Version, um, that that show was called the right thing to Dio, and this was what brought her into, as she said, Your kitchen, your breakfast table. I love that she Darrel Ng Li said, Your bedside, you know, it's I mean, that might have been considered Woo risque back then. But it was really It was delightful to hear how she would think about addressing how, the same way that she that we often backtrack and say, well, the formality. We should be saying, Do this, but really often people will do this or here's why it would be more casual. I love all of it, but it's it's cool to think about how she was actually really wanting a career in radio and to talk with people this way. Because, as she said, there's so much here between ethics and etiquette between what's what's the right thing to do, because we sense that not just because we decide it's a rule that should be followed and just the hilarity of then everyone

00:41:37

Speaker 2: always only really wanting to know where the fork is placed. Another theme from this show. How much things change and how much things stay the same. Lizzie Post Thank you for finding this delightful postscript.

00:41:49

Speaker 1: No problem. Thank you for indulging another reading from me. And do please check out Laura Claridge's book. Emily Post, daughter of the Gilded Age. Mistress of American Manners. There's a lot to learn about

00:42:02

Speaker 2: Emily and for those of you who are dying to hear her voice, those shows are also archived in the Library of Congress, and access is a little bit tougher there. So while it is a publicly available resource, it's just not something that we can

00:42:17

Speaker 1: share. Ah, well mannered group. I think you notice they're good manners right away.

00:42:25

Speaker 1: Good manners make good first impressions. And because your manners air showing all the time, they have a lot to do with how well people like you.

00:42:36

Speaker 1: We like to

00:42:36

Speaker 2: end our show on a high note. So we turn to you to hear about the good etiquette you're seeing and experiencing out in the world, and that can come in so many forms today. We hear from Mary,

00:42:46

Speaker 2: as difficult as this past year has been. A wonderful byproduct is that my two grandsons, Jack and Charlie, who lived nine hours away, spent much of the year with my husband and me are four. Adult Children were able to be with us for extended visits as well. Everyone pitched in, and I so appreciated their help, especially in the kitchen. We took turns, planning and cooking dinners, and we all sat down around our large table each night and enjoy delicious meals. Early on, my 4.5 year old grandson Check began dinner by asking, Who's the cook? Followed by? Let's give them a hand. This'll became his tradition, and he continued to start each meal with this question and clapping throughout his time with us.

00:43:28

Speaker 2: They returned to their home yesterday, but I know he has ingrained in our family the importance of showing appreciation and celebrating the efforts of family members. And since he came up with this on his own, a salute goes out to his parents, also for instilling in him at such a young age the importance of gratitude. Thank you for advocating for kindness. Jack's grandma Momo.

00:43:50

Speaker 1: Oh, mom. Oh, I love that I love that. Thank you for sharing

00:43:55

Speaker 2: Momo. Three cheers for Jack and Jack's parents. Thank you so much for the salute.

00:43:59

Speaker 1: Let's give him a hand

00:44:04

Speaker 1: on Thank you for listening

00:44:07

Speaker 2: and thank you to everyone who sent us something. And everyone who supports us on Patryan.

00:44:11

Speaker 1: Please connect with us and share this show with your friends, family, co workers and on social media. Hopefully,

00:44:18

Speaker 2: you can send us your next question feedback or salute by email. Toe Awesome etiquette at Emily post dot com. You can leave us a message or text at 802858 kind That's 8028585463 on Twitter. We're at Emily Post Ends on Instagram were at Emily Post Institute and on Facebook Were Awesome Etiquette and the Emily Post Institute.

00:44:39

Speaker 1: Please consider becoming a sustaining member by visiting patryan dot com slash awesome etiquette.

00:44:46

Speaker 2: You can also subscribe to the ads version of our show on Spotify or your favorite podcast app, and please consider leaving us a review. It helps with our show ranking, which helps new people find awesome

00:44:56

Speaker 1: etiquette. Our show is edited by Chris Albertine and a system produced by Brigitte Dowd. Thanks Chris and Bridget.

00:45:10

Speaker 1: Mhm,

00:45:12

Speaker 1: Mhm,

00:45:21

Speaker 1: mhm