Episode 351 - Tricky to Eat

00:00:04

Speaker 1: maybe it's just that you don't know how to use social, could you see that's old fashioned,

00:00:13

Speaker 1: Watch how busy post and then post to act as host and hostess. They know that courtesy means showing respect, thinking of the other person, real friendliness.

00:00:24

Speaker 1: Mhm

00:00:25

Speaker 1: Hello and welcome to awesome etiquette where we explore modern etiquette through the lens of consideration, respect and honesty. On today's show, we take your questions on dietary dinner party dilemmas, disclosing the languages you speak, getting ready for house guests with a new baby and how to handle a less than gracious family member

00:00:47

Speaker 1: for awesome etiquette sustaining members. Our question of the week is about how to reply to an apology plus your most excellent feedback etiquette salute and a postscript segment on tricky foods to eat. Now that we're all going to be dining together again, All that coming up

00:01:05

Speaker 1: awesome etiquette comes to you from the studios of our home offices in Vermont and is proud to be produced by the Emily Post Institute. I'm lizzie Post and I'm dan Post sending, Hey guys,

00:01:15

Speaker 1: what's going on? What's going on? Is that? Well you're about to embark on vacation and I'm going to come join you because we work together. Why wouldn't we vacation together? Why not? Thank you so much for the invitation. I'm really looking forward to coming down and,

00:01:34

Speaker 1: and, and being on the vineyard with you and pooch and the girls for a few nights. It'll be really fun to take them out to Praha, gonna and show them

00:01:41

Speaker 1: my other side of the family's property. But I think this is going to be a lot. I know we have work, we're going to do it down there, but I think this is going to be a lot of fun. I know I'm kind of looking forward to it also. And should I tell everybody, I also hear that guys, should we tell the truth, telling the truth that we've allowed for some work to happen on this vacation. In quotation marks, Yes, no, there is. There is, there is good in person editing work that we decided to do

00:02:10

Speaker 1: with, you know, a five hour drive and a ferry ride as opposed to a 45 minute drive between our houses.

00:02:16

Speaker 1: Why not? And in some ways it kind of feels like a vacation to be able to plan some dedicated work time. In some ways it's going to allow me to be at ease a little more on Memorial Day weekend and the weekend that will follow.

00:02:30

Speaker 1: So thank you for agreeing to defuse those things and also to suggest a steak and lobster dinner at some point. Just so you all know dan. And I used a lot of our etiquette in planning this dan invited me and I said, oh my goodness, let me check my calendar and figure stuff out. And I double checked then

00:02:47

Speaker 1: about sonny and whether he was invited because that would change how I could handle doing things.

00:02:53

Speaker 1: We checked in about vehicles because there is a ferry to get over. And the big question of whether or not you can get a ferry reservation for your vehicle, whether or not there's a car at the house renting and there turned out to be cars at the house. So we checked in about that kind of stuff.

00:03:09

Speaker 1: And then there was, you called me to let me know that possibly pooches sister was going to come

00:03:14

Speaker 1: and then and when your parents were going to be coming down. So kind of what the other guests are going to be doing and when the timeline of things is happening

00:03:22

Speaker 1: and, and and dan, you know what the other thing that we did was was you, I mean you let me know that other people were going to come and when they might be coming and that sort of thing. But you also

00:03:33

Speaker 1: let me know that you and pooch had no interest in receiving compensation or payment or contribution financially to the rental. So, and this was like, oh okay, good. And it allowed me to go, okay, what what should I do to contribute? And I thought, you know, you and I have been talking about steak and lobster dinner for a very long time I think since about new years and we kept setting goals for like when this might happen

00:04:03

Speaker 1: mostly to celebrate like both the website and the book,

00:04:08

Speaker 1: like two big things in our, each of our kind of uh baskets family were fairly weeks. Yeah, it was going to say that. And then I was like, don't say that word, lucy, but it was just one of those

00:04:20

Speaker 1: moments where I was like, this would be a good time to do that. So my goal is to pick up lobsters will get a really great steak, we'll pop a bottle of champagne, have a nice night

00:04:29

Speaker 1: pooch, will really appreciate that a little adult company. I will appreciate having another longtime vineyard person with me. It is so much fun to share some of the family traditions that we grew up with. And I'm just really looking forward to that because, so we're going to go clamming, we're gonna get to eat fresh clams

00:04:50

Speaker 1: and it kind of works nicely in the,

00:04:53

Speaker 1: this trip we get to take together kind of marks the beginning of summer and it marks the beginning of summer for a lot of people.

00:05:00

Speaker 1: This Memorial Day weekend, we're seeing more searches around beach etiquette and Memorial Day etiquette than ever. It's, it's almost as if everybody is collectively poking their heads out at the same time. I'm terrified frankly about getting down there on the friday before Memorial Day weekend.

00:05:18

Speaker 1: You'll be fine, They'll be traffic, but you'll be fine, you'll get there. That's the nice thing is you always get there. You know, it's true that their pack a lot of extra sandwiches and kids stuff in the car, make sure those chargers work.

00:05:32

Speaker 1: Oh man, I used to think it was the bigger your podcast reporting. I used to think it was the biggest riot when like, you'd be so stopped on the highway getting like to the Born Bridge to get over onto the Cape that like, you could, you could get out of your car and like chill on the, on the, I thought that was like the most like, bizarre and amazing thing when I was a kid.

00:05:53

Speaker 1: But as an adult, driving in traffic is not as much fun. You mentioned the board bridge. We used to do this thing where we would hold our breath from the gate on one side to the gate on the other side and when traffic's moving, that's a reasonable holding of the breath. And then the more traffic slows down, the more impossible it becomes. Oh my gosh, no, you're totally right. And that's hysterical.

00:06:17

Speaker 1: Well, I'll probably be breathing through the whole thing, but I'm very excited to be joining you all next week and I think it will be really fun and we'll probably record our podcasts from there to in person together for the first time in well over a year. So that will be really exciting.

00:06:33

Speaker 1: Before we get to any of that, we have a show to record. We absolutely do. Let's get to it. Let's do it,

00:06:43

Speaker 1: awesome etiquette is here to answer your questions. You can email them to awesome etiquette at Emily Post dot com. You can leave us a voicemail or text at 802858 kind. That's 8028585463 and many more of you are texting and leaving voicemails. We love it.

00:06:59

Speaker 1: You can also reach us on social media on twitter. We're at Emily Post install on instagram. We are at Emily Post Institute and on facebook were awesome etiquette.

00:07:07

Speaker 1: Just remember use the hashtag awesome etiquette with your post so that we know you want your question on the show.

00:07:13

Speaker 1: Our first question is titled Dietary Dinner Party Dilemma.

00:07:17

Speaker 1: I love the dinner party dilemmas are coming back.

00:07:20

Speaker 1: Hi lizzie and dan love the show and I'm guessing you've answered this on it before. But I've been listening for a while and searched the website and haven't found an answer.

00:07:28

Speaker 1: How should one notify dinner party hosts of dietary restrictions, your values and mind consideration and honesty make it seem like letting the host know ahead of time would be appropriate. But my midwestern tendencies make it feel rude or invasive for me

00:07:45

Speaker 1: to dictate what can and cannot be served at a meal.

00:07:50

Speaker 1: At the same time I've experienced serving something my guests cannot eat and then felt badly that they didn't get to eat.

00:07:58

Speaker 1: I would have gladly accommodated if I had known what's the best way to go about this. As a host, I tend to ask if there are any dietary considerations for my guests but as a guest how should I go about offering that information? If I'm not asked. Thank you.

00:08:15

Speaker 1: P. S. I should note that in my instance it's not a severe allergy but a sensitivity.

00:08:20

Speaker 1: In the case of an allergy I feel like this would be an easier conversation to manage. But for something with less severe and visible consequences. I've often been questioned on the legitimacy of this dietary restriction Britney

00:08:34

Speaker 1: Britney. This is a classic and like my cousin, I am so glad that we are returning to dinner party questions. It feels really good.

00:08:41

Speaker 1: Um I want to start off with the classic etiquette answer which is that the proper time to alert a host about dietary restrictions is when you reply to the invitation. And it's a perfect opportunity that R. S. V. P. Is expected in whatever medium the invitation was issued and that is your

00:09:00

Speaker 1: that is your opportunity to accept And also at the same time to let your host know about things they would need to know to take good care of you. And as you point out they're going to want to know that. I think it's also a really big difference when it's like like me with cilantro. That's not something I tell other people about. But it makes a dish almost inedible for me.

00:09:21

Speaker 1: But because it's it's not so widely used at least up here and there's I mean it's it's decently used but it's not on absolutely everything. It's not like a common staple at a table. You know what I mean? I feel like ingredients that

00:09:36

Speaker 1: either might just be in a lot of things or ingredients that are really prevalent in your area. That's something I would be more likely to bring up to let somebody know. It's so funny how when it when it's not a strict allergy or it's not for religious or cultural reasons and and it is, I don't want to say totally just a preference thing, but a strong preferences. I mean there are there are things some people really can't eat and it's not because they're not allergic to them.

00:10:03

Speaker 1: I think that that's one where I weigh in my mind, how likely is it that this item is even going to be served and if it is an item that gets served, is it often just a small part of a side dish? Or is it usually the whole meal, you know, with the meat thing?

00:10:18

Speaker 1: Um that is something I'll tend to talk to people about. I also, because I am more now at this stage, in the flexitarian, I've I've kind of

00:10:26

Speaker 1: gone the other way where I try to work myself around whatever served and still eat as much as I can. To avoid that feeling that you're saying that you as a host of felt when you've had guests who then you find out later they can't eat something and you're going, oh my gosh, it's like the whole dish and now you haven't eaten, what can I do? PB and J. You know?

00:10:44

Speaker 1: But I feel like there is some balance when it's when it's not a hard and fast rule for you and you'll know best the items and whether or not there's something that's more likely to show up at a table or not. I like that examination of the subtlety because an elaboration on this advice is to be really honest with yourself about whether or not your dietary restriction is

00:11:08

Speaker 1: a requirement, something you absolutely have to know about or a preference and where

00:11:13

Speaker 1: your honest answer falls on that spectrum,

00:11:16

Speaker 1: as you're pointing out was he really affects the way you approach talking to someone about it as

00:11:22

Speaker 1: a request that you're making or is something that is necessary in order for you to be able to participate or even attend. As is often the case with a nut allergy or something like that.

00:11:32

Speaker 1: The host guest dance, the how you make that request and how you communicate to what degree it's necessary for you to be able to participate requires that clarity and that honesty in your own mind in order to communicate that well. So I think that's a really valid, worthwhile

00:11:50

Speaker 1: thing to investigate and ask yourself

00:11:53

Speaker 1: because it is it is part of that host guest dance. How many demands do I make of my host while I'm giving them enough information to host me? Well, so here's where I think we we get to kind of the crux of the issue that Britney is feeling where I don't want to be making demands. How do I make this seem reasonable?

00:12:12

Speaker 1: I think it's in that offer to bring a dish that meets your needs. So this is something we often tack on to the advice of you know when you call the R. S. V. P. Letting your host know that you that you have a dietary consideration and you're happy to bring a dish that meets your needs.

00:12:29

Speaker 1: It takes the pressure off the host having to be fussy around you or accommodate you I should say because it's not really being fussy. Um but to accommodate you and I think that it gives you that feeling like you're not trying to put your dietary consideration as the sole definer of the meal. It shows I'm willing to bring something to take care of this so that you don't even have to think about it, you know,

00:12:54

Speaker 1: it also then the dance pops up and you're able to as the hosts a I would love to accommodate you on that. Please don't worry about bringing a dish super easy. The meal wasn't even planned with in my case cilantro, but I think it's really, it's that offering to do something

00:13:10

Speaker 1: is what kind of helps take down any assumption that you're being demanding or controlling over the situation when you're a guest. I like that idea. I was thinking about other offers that might come into play if this doesn't work out, I would love to get together with you at some point in the future. Maybe you could invite them to a T or something else that would allow you to honor the relationship in the intent to further grow that relationship with the invite if you can't participate or

00:13:39

Speaker 1: I'd love to come and don't worry about me. I can usually find enough with the salad and soup. It shouldn't be a big deal, but I wanted to let you know.

00:13:50

Speaker 1: But those offers, those providing alternatives that show that you're like you say, centering other people and really thinking about the whole event and the host as well as your own needs goes a long way,

00:14:01

Speaker 1: Brittany, thank you so much for this classic question. We can't wait honestly to answer it again. It's a great conversation. It's a great way to bring out the host guest dance.

00:14:12

Speaker 1: Everything tastes good

00:14:14

Speaker 1: and you're eating well.

00:14:16

Speaker 1: See what good eating habits can do for you

00:14:20

Speaker 1: after supper. You feel fine.

00:14:23

Speaker 1: No stomach ache,

00:14:24

Speaker 1: not too tired, not hungry, just feeling fine.

00:14:29

Speaker 2: Okay,

00:14:30

Speaker 1: Hi lizzie and dan, I wrote to you several years ago and you kindly answered the question on the show. I'm not sure if I got in touch to thank you for that. If not, that was an etiquette breach in and of itself. No, but just in case, please accept my thanks 4 to 5 years later. Better than never. I suppose

00:14:48

Speaker 1: I'll preface this by saying that. Of course, it's generally not good for one to make assumptions about others. But the fact is, they oftentimes do, and one assumption that people make is what language or languages a person speaks. In my case, I was raised in Ohio and have a completely neutral midwestern ish accent.

00:15:06

Speaker 1: And I'm sure that most to meet me will assume that I only grew up speaking english. Now that is true. But I also speak spanish and german and can understand them as well though how much I comprehend, depends on what's being said and on my mental acuity on any given day,

00:15:21

Speaker 1: What I'm wondering is this I'll paint an example scenario,

00:15:24

Speaker 1: let's say, I've just met a lovely family who happens to be from Austria. We've exchanged a few pleasantries in the coffee shop and gone about our business.

00:15:32

Speaker 1: If there, for example, in my hometown where virtually nobody is likely to be a german speaker, is it my responsibility to disclose to them that I am indeed familiar with the language?

00:15:42

Speaker 1: I feel like speaking a language that you feel nobody around you is likely to speak can feel like a privacy blanket and I would potentially feel a bit weird as a person who could understand what they're saying amongst themselves at the table right next to mine when they may be thinking that the fact that they're speaking german in this hypothetical

00:15:59

Speaker 1: allows them to keep their conversation private, even in a public space.

00:16:03

Speaker 1: I know this could be considered a niche question and that this was a pretty darn long email, but I'd be curious to hear your thoughts on how one should approach this, if at all

00:16:12

Speaker 1: my best to you and yours and with hopes that you're all staying safe and healthy,

00:16:16

Speaker 1: curious trilingual, oh this this is such a great question. I feel like there are two different things at play here. One is the idea of just venturing to someone, like when I'm in Italy and someone says, oh I, I can speak english, I'm like, oh, thank you so much, you know what I mean?

00:16:34

Speaker 1: And it, it really is helpful because I don't speak enough italian to be able to get by

00:16:39

Speaker 1: on the language of the home turf there, but I like the idea of also being considered aware that what someone might assume is a private conversation isn't, and I think that one thing we have to do a better job at is getting across the etiquette point that you should never assume

00:16:57

Speaker 1: that the people around, you don't know what you're saying, even if you're speaking a different language,

00:17:01

Speaker 1: that the global nous of our world, as you mentioned, you are someone from the midwest who speaks three different languages and you just might not assume that, you know, by looking at you, and I think we can't assume it by looking at anyone, and so, you know, we're not asking for advice for the for the tourists

00:17:20

Speaker 1: in this hypothetical situation,

00:17:22

Speaker 1: but my advice as a blanket statement on this hole is please remember that you just never know who speaks the language that you're speaking and that privacy blanket really isn't there?

00:17:33

Speaker 1: So, dan, I'm really curious your perspective on the hypothetical of you're at the you're both seated at tables, and would you let the people next to, you know, that that the language they're speaking is one that you speak and understand to from a big picture etiquette perspective, I was thinking to myself, no, you don't have a responsibility

00:17:56

Speaker 1: to go around alerting people as to what it is, that your understanding in what languages, particularly in public spaces, like a coffee shop or a restaurant,

00:18:05

Speaker 1: and I'm a little bit changing my perspective based on hearing you talk at the start of this question, because I so appreciated this,

00:18:14

Speaker 1: your etiquette perspective, it's very kind that

00:18:17

Speaker 1: of course, you would want to let someone know if they were having what they thought was a private conversation that was being overheard, that that would be,

00:18:25

Speaker 1: I'm very reasonable and very kind thing to do for someone. So in that particular instance, whatever the conditions were, whether it was assumptions about language or that the wall was thicker or that my voice wouldn't carry so far. Uh,

00:18:42

Speaker 1: if I was in that other situation, I would so appreciate someone letting me know that what I thought was confidential really wasn't.

00:18:49

Speaker 1: And that perspective has me thinking of. Of course you would let someone know because that would be the kind thing to do.

00:18:56

Speaker 1: When I first read the question, the thought that I had was this is not

00:19:00

Speaker 1: a problem that you need to fix necessarily, that what we're talking about is someone else being rude. They're having a conversation that they're assuming no one else is going to understand or here and there having it in a public place. And if there

00:19:15

Speaker 1: in particular having it about something very personal that they wouldn't want shared, or even worse if they're talking about someone else in the space in a negative way, or offering opinions or comments that they otherwise wouldn't with the audience, that's present,

00:19:31

Speaker 1: that in itself is is a breach of etiquette. And in some ways it starts to get really complicated if you jump in and let someone know that you understand those things that they're saying, um and I don't think you necessarily have to

00:19:47

Speaker 1: fix that or save them that embarrassment. So it's funny when you were first posing the idea of, like, I do think it's really considered to let them know my brain was going, that's so funny. I'm coming down now where you've come to in the conversation that letting someone know in and of itself can

00:20:06

Speaker 1: sort of entangle you in that moment of etiquette, I think dan, and maybe I might be wrong here, I might be needing to adjust my etiquette perspective,

00:20:16

Speaker 1: but I'm coming down more on the side of it. If they were asking me for directions or engaging me in some way, I would let them know that I speak the language, but if they're not, if they haven't engaged me in any way, then I don't think I'm going to, I think I'm gonna use that kind of public privacy

00:20:36

Speaker 1: idea

00:20:38

Speaker 1: of you just don't kind of comment on other people's behavior. You let it stand as it is. You know, do you need to alert the place to the fact that they might be saying something rude about someone at the next table or something like that? It starts for me, maybe this is where I'm not as confident cousin,

00:20:55

Speaker 1: it starts to get too messy between strangers,

00:20:59

Speaker 1: and I start to feel better about just saying, oops, like, well I've just become privy to something I didn't want to be, maybe I'll excuse myself, maybe I'll choose to focus on my phone or put my ear to my attention. That is such a good explanation of it, to excuse my attention,

00:21:19

Speaker 1: to put my attention elsewhere.

00:21:21

Speaker 1: And I think that's what I would probably do now

00:21:25

Speaker 1: if they started saying things about me, that's when I would probably fire off something in the language that they're speaking and then I'd probably make an exit because I'd be too nervous to have more to say. And now, dear listeners, you're discovering the difference between lizzie post and myself, dan dan wouldn't do that, but I'd be I'd like, I wouldn't have the confidence to address. The whole thing is like a

00:21:50

Speaker 1: excuse me, but I speak the language that you're speaking and I know that you're, you know, saying some pretty rude things right now. Like I couldn't do that, I couldn't have that conversation. But if someone was saying rude things about me, I might say,

00:22:04

Speaker 1: well it's a real bummer, I speak your language and then walk out the door. You know, I mean like in their language and like walk out the door. There's one other angle to this that I really wanted to talk about and that's the difference between an encounter like this in an ongoing relationship

00:22:19

Speaker 1: and if there are people in your life who have ongoing relationships with where

00:22:25

Speaker 1: you're navigating different language barriers and people knowing different languages, I think the more information, the better, the more that you're able to communicate with each other about

00:22:35

Speaker 1: what you understand, what you understand easily, what you understand. Conversationally verse deeper dive conversations are all the kinds of things that are gonna

00:22:45

Speaker 1: really serve a relationship long term. Both in terms of this. I can get away with just saying to my spouse in front of someone, but I better be careful too.

00:22:55

Speaker 1: I'm going to choose to talk in this language when we're talking about something more important in the family because it's the language that's going to be understood by the most people. I think that the whole calculus really shifts when you're talking about facilitating uh, an ongoing or longer term relationship and that doesn't necessarily have to be in the family that could be in the community if this was a new family in town.

00:23:17

Speaker 1: Um, and I sensed that they had arrived. They were here frequently.

00:23:21

Speaker 1: An opportunity maybe not around an embarrassing moment, but an opportunity to engage in a language that might be a first language or a second language for different people in the parties. Might be really exciting, rich and fun.

00:23:35

Speaker 1: My final little personal story, can I tell lizzie, please? What do you have to ask me for? This is the stuff that makes look, the answers better. Little confessional here. I may know a little hindi.

00:23:46

Speaker 1: I was just like, okay, so I want, I didn't want to like do the thing where I'm like calling out you on your on your personal life and everything, but I wanted to be like, I still, I know you've dealt with some of this stuff and you know, it's it's interesting

00:24:00

Speaker 1: thinking about like what you pick up as as you've been a member of a bilingual family for a long time now versus like what it was like when you first started, you know, but I know you you've you've actually done like hindi courses and things like that so you actually do have a handle on a decent amount

00:24:20

Speaker 1: the way I say it as I say, I know a little hindi, I don't speak much hindi, my pronunciation is terrible, but I spent enough time with basic grammar and basic vocabulary

00:24:30

Speaker 1: that when there are discussions about just how quickly we're leaving the house or what's going to be for dinner, I have some sense of what's being discussed, even if I couldn't tell you the details of the particulars and just having that little bit to hold onto has been really comforting for me and has been my effort to

00:24:49

Speaker 1: participate in all the language spaces that we're opening up as we, as we spend time together in the descending family. Very cool, very cool,

00:24:59

Speaker 1: curious trilingual, thank you so much for the question and we hope our answer helps.

00:25:04

Speaker 1: Why is it some people are not friends? Wouldn't it be more fun to have more friends?

00:25:11

Speaker 1: We all have fun with our own friends.

00:25:14

Speaker 1: But what about other people? Might they be fun after all? We're all strangers till we make friends.

00:25:23

Speaker 2: Yeah,

00:25:25

Speaker 1: our next question is titled Ready for house guests.

00:25:29

Speaker 1: Hi lizzie and dan love the podcast. I'm writing him because my husband and I are trying to find out how to deal with some potential houseguests. A few years ago we moved to a city that's a popular vacation destination and friends from our hometown often want to visit.

00:25:44

Speaker 1: Now that many friends are vaccinated in. Covid cases are dropping. A couple of friends have told us they want to fly in and visit this summer.

00:25:52

Speaker 1: When our friends suggested this during a video chat, we responded enthusiastically that we would love to see them,

00:26:00

Speaker 1: but then we started to think about the logistics. Since the pandemic started, we had a baby. Congratulations. We also are about to move to a new house in a far flung suburb that is over an hour drive from downtown in about two hours away from the hiking destinations and beaches that are friends usually want to visit when they're here

00:26:20

Speaker 1: with our baby. Some of the tourist activities and destinations won't be easy or even possible. I want to reach out to these friends and tell them what kinds of baby friendly outings we can do and encourage them to rent a car or to book a hotel downtown for a portion of their trip.

00:26:38

Speaker 1: My husband feels that this is rude since people are spending a lot of money to fly out here. He wants me to stay home with the baby while he entertains them. He feels they will be disappointed if they travel all the way here and they are limited to local suburban activities and short outings that work with the baby's nap schedule.

00:26:57

Speaker 1: I'm already stressed and they haven't even bought their plane tickets yet. How do we communicate to the couple about what they can expect during their visit? Should I stay back home with the baby for a portion of their trip

00:27:09

Speaker 1: so they can see the sights and do the longer hikes with my husband? Is it rude to suggest that they consider spending part of their trip in a hotel or perhaps suggest that they rent a car and attempt to hike without us. Thank you. New mom. Not ready for house guests. New mom. Not ready for house guests. Thank you for the question.

00:27:28

Speaker 1: I am hoping that maybe you might be more ready than you think and that

00:27:33

Speaker 1: it's perfectly okay to not be ready yet. Also if that's the case, I wanted to title this question, houseguests maybe or houseguests question mark,

00:27:46

Speaker 1: because I think it's a really valid question as to whether or not this is a good trip for everybody involved, your husband, you the baby and the people that are coming to visit and my first pissed biggest picture thought about it is that some communication is going to be so important and that whether you decide to

00:28:06

Speaker 1: continue with the same trip along the plans that your husband suggested or continue with the same trip along the plans that you would think would be ideal or

00:28:14

Speaker 1: pick a different trip. That communicating all the things that have been communicated to us here in this question would be really important to get communicated to your potential houseguests

00:28:23

Speaker 1: and I think that you can present it in a very similar way. If I was looking for a sample script, I would say when the idea came up on the zoom call, we were so excited and we are still so excited

00:28:33

Speaker 1: and as we've been thinking about it, we realize that we're in a very different place now than we were and there are few things we should really talk about so that this visit can go well for everybody

00:28:44

Speaker 1: and that's a great way to start that conversation off. There. There are a few things we might want to talk about just so this can really go well for everybody. That's such a, like, like team spirit to it, you know what I mean?

00:28:56

Speaker 1: And, and maybe at the end of that discussion, it's that, you know, next summer is going to make more sense. Or maybe at the end of that discussion you've

00:29:04

Speaker 1: hammered out a bunch of parameters that make this visit, the kind of visit that's really going to work for everybody.

00:29:09

Speaker 1: But

00:29:10

Speaker 1: it's, it's pretty clear that the level of anxiety that's already um

00:29:15

Speaker 1: evident in the question and some of the concerns that you're raising a really valid concerns that would impact the quality of a visit. So getting those addressed

00:29:24

Speaker 1: and getting them addressed sooner rather than later as early as possible would be the second part of that first ist etiquette advice. I'm gonna jump in down and do something that we don't typically do when we get the who's right about this? My partner or me

00:29:39

Speaker 1: and say that I think they're, they're both right. I actually think both plans that they've come up with could work. There is nothing wrong with a host saying to guests who are looking to come visit.

00:29:50

Speaker 1: Hey, we'd love to have you come, we could, you know, have you stay with us for this many days. But truthfully because of circumstances now we aren't able to do some of the things we normally are able to are looking forward to doing. You know, next year, the year after, when the baby's older,

00:30:06

Speaker 1: here's what we would be able to do if you want to plan some of your visit downtown

00:30:10

Speaker 1: in a hotel or you know or rent a car so that you have more freedom.

00:30:16

Speaker 1: There's nothing rude about that suggesting that this is when, when house guests are being planned, it isn't just a we want to come. So cater to everything we need kind of a thing. It really is kind of a, I don't want to say negotiation, but I'm going to go back to that great term host guest dance

00:30:35

Speaker 1: and as hosts, it is perfectly ok for you to state what you can accommodate and

00:30:40

Speaker 1: what you might not be able to that they're used to you accommodating. And then I also think that that your husband's idea of finding ways to

00:30:49

Speaker 1: still do things I don't want to say like the old days, I can't help it. I would I would love to make sure that like it's not maybe this is the way it works best but not just the husband going off and you don't know, maybe maybe baby can't be away for long enough to make one of those trips or even a short hike or something possible. But

00:31:08

Speaker 1: um I love dan had a note in the script and I'm totally jumping ahead to it of split the baby duties and I just I loved I loved that note as a possibility too.

00:31:18

Speaker 1: But I think both of these strategies are actually good strategies. It's just finding, as dan always talks about the business etiquette seminars, the how the how do you say it? How do you deliver it? That really makes a difference to it being something polite and and workable?

00:31:33

Speaker 1: And what is the balance of those accommodations that ends up being the good situation for everybody? So it might split the baby suggestion, which was meant to be a little funny, like split the baby, but also gross thinking about, but keep going. Yes, like and keeping in mind exactly what you have been thinking about, sometimes it's just not possible. Sometimes mom needs to be within two hours of the baby and

00:31:58

Speaker 1: babies in a stage where they're clinging to mom or something like that. Yeah,

00:32:02

Speaker 1: maybe this trip this year looks a little different and your participation next year gets to be more like the participation in the past, but it's also possible that maybe baby could be away from this might be a great opportunity for mom to spend a little time with some old friends. And maybe if there are two days where you're looking to do some of those activities that aren't so baby friendly, you could split those baby duties. That was

00:32:23

Speaker 1: uh the kind of negotiation that I see going on in my house a lot to offer. A personal advice from that perspective is always risky, but that that would be an approach that that I would want to take.

00:32:37

Speaker 1: There is something else I'd like to add and I'd almost like to add it to the beginning. I wish I could go back to my first er comment and put a first er before my 1st 1st is the sister,

00:32:47

Speaker 1: something like that. I do think it would be a really good idea to get very clear with your husband, with your spouse and that you understand within your family unit what it is that you can accommodate what you want to offer and accommodate. And

00:33:02

Speaker 1: I think that's going to make those discussions with your potential houseguest so much easier and it sounds like that conversation is happening, it's it's evolving and

00:33:12

Speaker 1: I would say get clear with that and be open to

00:33:16

Speaker 1: it, not being rude to say you know this isn't the best time as one of your options, along with

00:33:22

Speaker 1: sort of a set of different ways that you might approach the visit to make it the most fun for everyone involved. And you know what I also think helps when you when you do have to kind of go that course and realize wow this, this really isn't a good time to have houseguests,

00:33:35

Speaker 1: is to recognize that no one would want to come and fly across the country to feel like they had just put someone out or caused a strain in the household, especially when there's a new baby already,

00:33:46

Speaker 1: there's, and I say no one, but we know they're not thoughtful people out there to um and I'm hoping these friends aren't like that, but good friends, understanding friends, they are going to be the kind of people who who will understand this is just too chaotic for them to have houseguests. But look at this, we can

00:34:04

Speaker 1: do outings together, we can, you know, stay in the downtown, have a great vacation and then go visit them for a dinner or two, and

00:34:11

Speaker 1: we still get to see them, but we don't stress them out, it's just, you know, often we take on so much of the responsibility ourselves when we're that host or when we're that guess, but of of trying to make everything perfect and trying to

00:34:24

Speaker 1: to kind of take care of everyone else's emotions. And I found I often guess wrong. I often people are not even thinking about,

00:34:32

Speaker 1: oh my gosh, that other person, how dare they not roll out the red carpet for me. They're much more likely to think that they are the nuisance, causing strain for someone else and they don't want to be in that position. So a little bit of conversation can help it

00:34:47

Speaker 1: make both parties understand nobody's trying to put anybody in that position and everybody wants to have a good time at the level they can. Well in that spirit, I'll part with a final thought for new mom. Maybe a little bit more ready for house guests.

00:35:00

Speaker 1: Which is that it's entirely possible that these folks want to come visit because they want to see you and they'd love to meet the new baby. And they're entirely less concerned with getting into the city and that being the purpose or intent for the visit. And it might be that

00:35:17

Speaker 1: stroller walks around a suburban neighborhood, getting to know the bundle of joy are exactly what your house guests are looking for. And in talking with them,

00:35:27

Speaker 1: you might find out that there's a lot more alignment in terms of what you're looking for out of this visit than you might have guessed

00:35:32

Speaker 1: new mom. Not ready for house guests. We hope that our answer has made you just a little bit more ready to tackle the topic. Get the idea audience.

00:35:43

Speaker 1: In this film, we play a game to find out what sort of friends we like to have and what kind of friends we want to be.

00:35:50

Speaker 1: Now here's another scene, study it carefully because none of these youngsters will do the right thing or the wrong thing. Every time

00:35:56

Speaker 1: it will be up to you to decide

00:35:58

Speaker 1: ready.

00:36:01

Speaker 1: Our next question is about other people's perspective.

00:36:04

Speaker 1: Thank you lizzie and Daniel for making the world a bit better place. My question how to deal with a cheap relative.

00:36:11

Speaker 1: Okay, We all probably have them. That one relative who was always seeking a freebie never picks up a check and asks for handouts even though they are on the same income strata as other family members.

00:36:22

Speaker 1: In my particular dilemma, my brother asks a distant relative who lives overseas to send the family a bunch of samples in quotes of his special wine and juice so that it can be distributed at a family reunion.

00:36:35

Speaker 1: This cousin cooperates and generously sends the products along with an invoice that is necessary for customs.

00:36:41

Speaker 1: My brother who asked for this handout writes and tells him how outrageous the shipping charges are.

00:36:47

Speaker 1: There was a thank you sandwiched in there someplace. But honestly my brother didn't sound very grateful.

00:36:53

Speaker 1: In other words, he looked a gift horse in the mouth. He will not pay the shipping, but he will turn around at the reunion and hand out the bottles as if they are from him.

00:37:04

Speaker 1: I know all this because the overseas relative has copied me on all the emails. I do plan to send the distant generous cousin a check for the shipping. But my real question is how does one deal with? Give me, give me give me relative who will take credit but never pay his fair share. Help.

00:37:21

Speaker 1: I need some sample scripts here.

00:37:23

Speaker 1: Help me alleviate the ugly american syndrome overseas

00:37:27

Speaker 1: or help me cope with that relative over here.

00:37:31

Speaker 1: Thank you.

00:37:32

Speaker 1: Oh dan wrote, yuck this show notes and I totally agree because yuck,

00:37:39

Speaker 1: it's never fun to watch someone else, not be polite

00:37:44

Speaker 1: and it's, it's frustrating and you are right. A lot of us have someone in our lives who kind of behaves like this and I think what's really, really, really hard, but usually usually the best course of action is letting the other person's rude behavior stand on its own.

00:38:02

Speaker 1: You focus on your behavior and how you can engage things

00:38:07

Speaker 1: well with this other distant cousin overseas. And I think you just, you let the rudeness live and shine frankly in its

00:38:16

Speaker 1: non existent glory. But you know what I mean? It's like you, you just let it live there and you focus on you. It sounds to me like this person was just CC'd on all of these. If this person that's writing to us had been like a co collaborator in getting the wine and juice to the family reunion or something, I would have felt more agency to step in

00:38:39

Speaker 1: an email back with a don't worry about it, jim. I'll take care of the of the charges. We are just so grateful to have this at all. Thank you so much for going through the trouble. We can't wait to distribute it at the reunion will certainly tell everyone where it came from and how generous you were to us. You know what I mean? Like, Like I would totally throw that kind of an email if it was a team effort,

00:39:05

Speaker 1: you know? But if it wasn't a team effort, then I think I'm going to just just let the rudeness stand word is, take care of the things I need to take care of for me to feel good about this

00:39:14

Speaker 1: interaction, leaning into the same spirit of

00:39:18

Speaker 1: getting into the specifics. My, my thought was talked to the cousin and build that relationship because I think you're right, build that relationship, do the best you can. And frankly, I was imagining a situation where you weren't CCD as part of the team. I was imagining a situation where you were BC seed as accountability check.

00:39:39

Speaker 1: So the brother doesn't know that you've been a fly on the wall for these conversations that oversees cousin has been BC seeing replies essentially to build some accountability in the family. So people know

00:39:51

Speaker 1: maybe what they're dealing with. That was the way I was imagining the situation. I read that the cousin was long distant cousin and so that I wasn't thinking they would probably be see seeing for some accountability.

00:40:04

Speaker 1: Just the behavior was so bad. That was where my mind went. Yeah, no, like you kind of want to show someone else like me, like slyly show that this is, this is what's happening guys to get this over here, just letting you know, and if it was sort of a more explicit open, I I see, see you coming back um

00:40:24

Speaker 1: to me it would be serving the same function. The only difference is whether or not the brother

00:40:28

Speaker 1: knows that you know about what they've been doing back and forth with this other cousin, Why I think you lean into that relationship with the cousin and you connect as best you can.

00:40:40

Speaker 1: If there's something that um starts to be explicitly disruptive of that relationship with the cousin,

00:40:48

Speaker 1: Like the cousins saying to you, listen, I don't want to talk to the family anymore or something like that. I think then

00:40:55

Speaker 1: there starts to be room for you to maybe have a discussion with your brother about the way that's impacted the relationship. But

00:41:01

Speaker 1: unless I was really privy to that and I had some ground to stand on, I wouldn't like you be looking to interject myself. I'd be

00:41:10

Speaker 1: taking this more as another lesson about my brother and his behavior and how he operates. And

00:41:17

Speaker 1: unfortunately you have very little control over that. And maybe fortunately because you wouldn't want to necessarily be responsible for that kind of behavior.

00:41:27

Speaker 1: I have to say it because the one other thing that I can't read a question like this and not mention given an opportunity to on air is that never ever assume an email is private. My business seminars all the time. It's true in your family life as well.

00:41:44

Speaker 1: Emails are permanent, digital records. Your name is at the top. Anyone can forward or send them to anyone on purpose or by accident and just really, really be careful about what you put down and what you own in your emails. You know, there's another thing that you say in your seminars about emails to and that is that

00:42:03

Speaker 1: they are often read in a more neutral or like received in a more neutral or negative tone than they are intended or written

00:42:10

Speaker 1: when you're reading your brother's email and saying that, you know the way they responded really wasn't very grateful. It's always good to just remember that you're reading it with your own filter on it, you know, of that person and that relationship and everything.

00:42:28

Speaker 1: I have a feeling this email was not a grateful email. I think you probably read it right.

00:42:33

Speaker 1: But I try to remind myself when I get something that I question the intent or the emotion behind it. I try to remind myself, uh, lizzie, slow, slow, slow your brain down. You don't know exactly what they were trying to say.

00:42:49

Speaker 1: And so I'm always amazed at how tricky email can be for how simple of a service it is. You know what I mean? Absolutely. I was thinking also about just a couple sample scripts to have in your pocket moving forward and not necessarily to confront the brother about this situation, but

00:43:08

Speaker 1: to be ready if there are situations that emerge where that,

00:43:12

Speaker 1: um,

00:43:13

Speaker 1: uh, for lack of a better word, greedy behavior starts to come out or let's call it, uh,

00:43:21

Speaker 1: lack of awareness of others and what people are contributing selfish behavior. That's a great word that you're ready with some very neutral language that says, I was really thinking that we could share these costs evenly between the siblings or something like that so that you're addressing not the behavior of the place that he's coming from,

00:43:39

Speaker 1: but the particular decisions in an instance about who's going to pick up the tab at this meal

00:43:44

Speaker 1: or how expenses for that reunion party, you're going to be split or, or whatever it is, but that you can engage around those specifics. And if you can keep the emotions of my brother has a habit of this behavior, he takes advantage of people out of it,

00:44:01

Speaker 1: but you can really focus on the specifics of that tab that's in front of you and the three siblings that are sitting around who have relatively equivalent incomes. Um, I think that that's those are your moments of opportunity that are going to leave you. I think feeling better about how you're treated, if not about how your brother behaves well. And that's classic, entertaining advice to that. Sometimes we let slide one more entertaining with family and getting together with family who we might see often who just things are more casual with were more familiar with them.

00:44:31

Speaker 1: But organizing a dinner like a big dinner out or something like that,

00:44:36

Speaker 1: especially among family where you can talk about these things very easily, I think, is to say we're all going to split the tab or we're going to split dad's dinner amongst the four of us, but each family is going to pay for their own, you know, meal for the night. You know, whatever the method is really making sure that that's clear at the time of the organizing the inviting that goes on, you know, among the family and that kind of circumstance

00:45:02

Speaker 1: that way, everyone really had that chance to either say, I can't do it. It's you know, not something I'm going to participate in or they've sort of agreed to the kind of split that you're talking about are the kind of divvying up of things that you're looking for. It's always an option to explicitly ask for that buy in when you're doing that organizing.

00:45:22

Speaker 1: Yeah,

00:45:23

Speaker 1: I was imagining such and such and that we would all split the tab. Is that okay with everyone? And you give people the explicit question so that they reply yes or no and then, you know, ahead of time and whether or not they do it or not becomes a question of are they meeting the commitments they made to their family not? What are the starting assumptions,

00:45:44

Speaker 1: anonymous? This is such a tricky situation. Witnessing rude behavior is really difficult and we hope that our answer helps Yes. When jimmy shared the stand with his friends and they all shared in the work, then there was more fun for every member of the group.

00:46:02

Speaker 1: So you learn to share with others.

00:46:05

Speaker 1: You'll like it. Your friends will like you too.

00:46:11

Speaker 1: Mhm.

00:46:13

Speaker 1: Thank you for your questions. Please send us updates or feedback on our answers to awesome etiquette at Emily Post dot com. You can leave us a voicemail or text at 802858 kind. That's 8028585463 You can also reach us on social media on twitter. We are at Emily Post inst on instagram. We are at Emily Post Institute and on facebook we are awesome etiquette.

00:46:35

Speaker 1: Remember to use the hashtag awesome etiquette with your post so that we know you want your question on the show.

00:46:48

Speaker 1: If you love awesome etiquette and we sincerely hope you do please consider becoming a sustaining member by visiting us at patreon dot com slash awesome etiquette. You'll get an ads free version of the show and access to bonus questions and content no matter which sustaining member level you come in at.

00:47:07

Speaker 1: Plus you'll feel great knowing that you helped keep awesome etiquette on the air

00:47:12

Speaker 1: and to those of you who are already sustaining members. Thank you so much for your support.

00:47:17

Speaker 1: It's time for our feedback segment where we hear from you about the questions we answer in the topics we cover and today we're hearing from Elizabeth in Louisiana.

00:47:26

Speaker 2: Hi, this is Elizabeth. I'm a longtime listener to your show, but this is the first

00:47:31

Speaker 1: time I've ever

00:47:32

Speaker 2: called in. I have a follow up regarding the invitation

00:47:37

Speaker 2: issue with the Covid vaccines and the limits that venue has placed upon the participants.

00:47:44

Speaker 2: Two points I'd like to make one is regarding Hip hop. It is a misconception that HipAA applies in this circumstance.

00:47:52

Speaker 2: Hip hop only applies to healthcare professionals giving out personal information in a healthcare setting. It does not keep

00:48:01

Speaker 2: anyone from asking you your vaccination status period. In fact, we already do this in the case of school Children being vaccinated to come to school. So you have no concerns about breaking the law there.

00:48:14

Speaker 2: And the second thing is there is an option for someone who can't or won't get vaccinated and that is to present a negative test.

00:48:23

Speaker 2: Just a couple of thoughts on that. I hear the HIPPA thing a lot and um that is an invalid excuse I guess for lack of a better word. I love your show. Keep doing your good work. Thanks bye

00:48:37

Speaker 1: Elizabeth. Thank you so much for that feedback. As soon as you said the school vaccination thing, I was like, oh, that's right. Like, you know, this is a and also during, during something like a public health crisis, like we've been experiencing it, it makes a lot more sense that this is something that just would become a common question to find out

00:48:56

Speaker 1: and to have discussed openly.

00:48:58

Speaker 1: I love the clarity about what hip hop actually says, what it applies to and the suggestion that don't forget that negative covid test is out there as an option as well,

00:49:09

Speaker 1: Elizabeth. Thank you so much for the feedback

00:49:13

Speaker 1: and thank you for sending us your thoughts and updates. Please do keep them coming. You can send your next feedback or update to awesome etiquette at Emily Post dot com. You can also leave us a voicemail or text at 802858 kind. That's 8028585463

00:49:32

Speaker 1: Uh huh.

00:49:40

Speaker 1: It's time for our post script segment where we dive deeper into a topic of etiquette and today we are going to tackle a very self serving topic, tricky summer foods to eat in preparation for a trip to Martha's vineyard. You have to understand. We like I spent half of our morning phone call this morning talking about all the foods we were going to eat

00:50:00

Speaker 1: and dan was like, don't you want to go do stuff when we're down there? Like the food is the stuff we go do. I'm going to stop at this place once I get near the Cape and get the lobsters and I'm going to go to the farm stand and get the vegetables and we really need a stake if we're gonna do this properly and we're going to go clamming to get our clams. So I know we're going to have to go out to Katima, like it's just anyway,

00:50:20

Speaker 1: but we figured we'd settle on foods that are, that are fairly popular summer foods, artichokes, corn on the cup and lobster.

00:50:28

Speaker 1: So dance. I start us off in the A's with artichoke, please do okay.

00:50:33

Speaker 1: This is coming straight out of our 19th edition. So this is the actual etiquette advice and then, and then you'll just have to tolerate dan. And I talking about food after the etiquette advice because we love all this so much artichokes.

00:50:48

Speaker 1: Artichoke leaves are always eaten with the fingers, pluck off a leaf on the outside, dip, it's meaty base into the melted butter or sauce provided, Then place it between your front teeth and pull forward. The idea is to use your teeth to scrape the artichoke meat off the leaf,

00:51:06

Speaker 1: continue leaf by leaf, placing discarded leaves on the edge of your plate or on a plate provided for the purpose until you've reached the artichokes. Thistle like choke or the leaves that are too small or meatless. Use your knife added 45 degree angle to remove the remaining leaves

00:51:26

Speaker 1: and the fuzzy fissile like choke,

00:51:29

Speaker 1: exposing the artichoke heart below,

00:51:31

Speaker 1: Then cut the heart into bite size pieces and eat it with a fork, dipping each forkful into the sauce because I love, the artichokes are both fork and fingers

00:51:42

Speaker 1: and I love that our official etiquette advice instructs you to never miss the very important butter or lemon mayonnaise or whatever particular sauces uh with it

00:51:52

Speaker 1: well. And we should say that this is for a steamed artichokes served with sauce that there are plenty of other ways to do artichokes to, which might require you to use a fork and knife for the whole thing. But um our, our favorite way growing up was always just the tear off the leaves and eat that leaf meat

00:52:08

Speaker 1: with some kind of yummy holidays as we elaborate, it would be good to mention that the artichoke might be served hot or cold after it's been steamed, so you might get a cold artichoke as part of a lunch that can just be delicious and yummy. So good.

00:52:23

Speaker 1: The other little detail that I wanted to share. Artichoke was a favorite food of our grandparents

00:52:29

Speaker 1: and poppy William Post. Our grandfather had this other moment in the eating of an artichoke that he liked to share and it's not in our written advice, but I'll offer it as a special just for awesome etiquette audience. There comes a point as you're, as you're peeling off those outer leaves and as you get down the artichoke, the amount of meat on the leaf gets greater and greater and the leaves get softer and softer. And then you get to that point that's described in the description where

00:52:59

Speaker 1: the leaves get so small, they almost start to form a little cone on top of that fissile and there's a couple of bites if you manage it right where you can take that whole cone and just pinch it between your fingers and pull it off like a cone. So you've got several little leaves and

00:53:17

Speaker 1: they're the tenderest, softest leaves and it's a little risky because you're getting closer to the thistle.

00:53:22

Speaker 1: So you like, if you, if you, if you

00:53:24

Speaker 1: get too many you'll get a bunch of the thistle. But if you just pull right off the outside, you can get like a nice little cone of the tenderness, sweetest little artichoke leaves that you can then dip all together and eat. Uh

00:53:36

Speaker 1: Anyway, that's one of my favorite moments on an artichoke. We should not have done this. This particular price script before a late lunch just said is true, I'm so hungry and I want everything on this menu. Alright. The next next wonderful summer food we wanted to talk about was corn on the cob

00:53:54

Speaker 1: in the 19 3 right,

00:53:56

Speaker 1: corn on the cob eaten with the hands is served at family or informal dinners and is a staple at summer barbecues and seafood bakes or boils at a formal dinner party, corn should be cut off the cob and served in a dish. Perhaps the only rule to follow when enjoying corn on the cob

00:54:16

Speaker 1: is to eat it as neatly and quietly as possible.

00:54:19

Speaker 1: No, noisy nonstop chomping up and down the rows, providing corn holders makes the job a lot less messy and can save burned fingers,

00:54:29

Speaker 1: insert the prongs into each end of the corn and use the handle to hold on

00:54:35

Speaker 1: to butter the corn. Put pats or a scoop of butter on your dinner plate, then using your knife butter and season only a few rows of the corn at a time.

00:54:47

Speaker 1: There is another school that says rolling the corn on a communal stick of butter is the way to go in either case, try not to get your fingers greasy and do make frequent use of your napkin. Oh, I love corn on the cob. It's a messy affair. It is,

00:55:05

Speaker 1: it is, but it is, it is so, so good.

00:55:08

Speaker 1: And tell me something at your house among family and and good friends. Are you rollers or are you knife spreaders?

00:55:16

Speaker 1: So we roll, we were definitely roll, we roll to, I feel like truly formal occasions are the only ones where I wouldn't roll or if I was at someone else's house and I didn't know what they prefer to do. I would wait and either watch my host store. I would take that path that we write about and put it on my own plate.

00:55:36

Speaker 1: I don't know. It might be tempted to roll once I've got them pat on my own plate. It's hard to get away from the role

00:55:44

Speaker 1: and listeners to this show know that I have a new favorite, What's your new favorite? And I learned it from some of pooches family, but it's a standard and delicious corn on the cob recipe of taking a half a lemon or half a line. I'm dipping it in chili salt and rubbing that on an ear of corn. Just delicious. Super, super, super good, equally messy, equally yummy. Our third summer food on this list is one of my all time favorites. Even even for some years of just vegetarianism, I am a huge fan of lobster. I am so excited to eat it with you.

00:56:22

Speaker 1: I'm so curious to see how the girls if they end up liking it, but to eat it with you improve on the vineyard next week.

00:56:27

Speaker 1: And I figured talking about how do you lobster hole is probably a good idea. We'll take us through it because okay, eating a lobster whole a large paper napkin or plastic bib is usually provided for the lobster eater.

00:56:44

Speaker 1: Be sure to wear it since handling this shellfish usually results in more than a few squirts and splashes. You'll also be given a shell cracker, a small fork, a knife and a pick. Now, that's usually if you're at a restaurant, sometimes you only get one or two of those items or you're sharing, holding the lobsters steady with one hand, twist off the claws and place them on the side of your plate.

00:57:06

Speaker 1: Using the cracking tool, a shellfish cracker or nutcracker, crack each claw slowly to reduce, squirting and pull out the meat with a fork or lobster pick.

00:57:17

Speaker 1: You'll need to remove the meat from the tail, often already cut into two solid pieces or split down the middle and cut the tail meat into bite sized pieces,

00:57:26

Speaker 1: spear each piece of meat with your fork and dip it into the accompanying butter or sauce. Before eating true lobster lovers get an additional morsel out of the legs by breaking them off one at a time, putting them into the mouth, broken end first and squeezing the meat out with the teeth.

00:57:44

Speaker 1: A large bowl or platter should be provided for the empty shells. Finger bowls with hot water and lemon slices are often put at each place as soon as the meal is finished or in less formal settings. Pre moistened towelettes are provided, remove the bib before dessert, the person clearing the table will dispose of it

00:58:03

Speaker 1: when it comes to the lobster tail

00:58:05

Speaker 1: when just the tail is served, baked, broiled, stuffed or as lobster salad in the shell, use a fork and knife if necessary

00:58:14

Speaker 1: because I got to say that's a pretty, those sounded like pretty formal lobster eating instructions. I apologize my my delivery when we get together this summer picnic version, you know, I know the summer picnic version is like usually you've got a table that has some kind of a paper or plastic cloth over it because you just know it's gonna get so messy

00:58:34

Speaker 1: and you sit down and your lobster has just come out of the pot and so it's usually fresh and whole and nothing's been pre cut for you. I do do the thing where immediately I take the claws off and often I then go and rip off each of the legs because I save those for last, those are one of my favorite parts.

00:58:52

Speaker 1: But then I'm cracking the body in half and kind of dealing, you know with the row, if there's row or something like that, but kind of clearing that junk out

00:59:01

Speaker 1: and then I'm going for the tail and I love it when someone provides the pair of scissors so that you can just cut right down that thin membrane on the underbelly of the tail to get at the meat. That's like super easy. But if that hasn't been happening, I am using like a fork and knife to make that cut,

00:59:17

Speaker 1: but well maybe not a fork, I might be using a hand and a knife to make that cut.

00:59:22

Speaker 1: Um but that's you pull out all that gorgeous meat for me. I'm the type of lobster eater where I kind of try to get the tail and a lot of the claw meat all out and then I start tackling it. But if it's,

00:59:35

Speaker 1: if we're really going for it, sometimes you're just eating everything right as it comes out and that's the joy in it, you know? And I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scorch you there. I do think you need to apologize to other people when they, when you squirt like lobster juice at them. I think probably that would be good. Yes.

00:59:53

Speaker 1: What's your favorite part of eating the lobster? Which part do you go for best? Can I confess? Yes, this is the whole point. It's the lemon butter. Really true.

01:00:03

Speaker 1: What do I love about clams? What I love about lobster or what do I love about everything, but er it's just so good at lemon, a little bit of salt. You eat my sauce, I'll eat the lobsters and clams without the butter.

01:00:19

Speaker 1: I love it. I love it. And will both help open the oysters. Yes, that would, that would have been another thing, at least to add to our favorites list.

01:00:27

Speaker 1: Oh, but this was it was fun diving into some, some good, you know, like, I feel like it's user manual etiquette, like now to these specific things, which is always kind of fun. It's certainly got me a big old hankering for for all these wonderful summer. At least a lot of these are East Coast foods, but

01:00:45

Speaker 1: um but some are foods that I'm really excited to start enjoying. We hope that everyone has had an awesome memorial day. If this finds you just a little bit after and that there are plenty of opportunities this summer to employ your tricky foods manners. So for the next few months ralph really worked at learning to eat all kinds of foods.

01:01:07

Speaker 1: Mhm

01:01:07

Speaker 1: Ralph. Would you like some peas I don't want. Well okay well what happened to you?

01:01:15

Speaker 1: He'd sample everything that was served to him

01:01:18

Speaker 1: and even if it didn't happen to be a food that he preferred, he'd eat some of it anyway.

01:01:23

Speaker 1: Yeah.

01:01:24

Speaker 1: Mhm.

01:01:31

Speaker 1: We like to end our show on a high note. So we turn to you to hear about the good etiquette you're seeing and experiencing out in the world and that can come in so many forms. And today we have a wonderful salute from Emma to her friend and bride Jackie

01:01:46

Speaker 2: hi Dannon lizzie and the awesome etiquette team.

01:01:48

Speaker 2: I have a very special salute for my friend Jackie.

01:01:52

Speaker 2: She recently got engaged over the christmas holiday and I was thrilled for her. She reached out to me at the end of january and asked me if I would be a bridesmaid she preference. This was asking also if I was financially able to be a bridesmaid as she know that I was furloughed last year. She just due to the pandemic.

01:02:10

Speaker 2: I thought it was very sweet and kind that she prefaced it by saying that if you're financially able I would love for you to have a part of my wedding. It was so sweet after I took some time to think about it, I of course accepted because I was able to work it out and make sure I was there for my friend. Not long after I accepted. He called me to thank me for

01:02:30

Speaker 2: joining her vital party and to also let me know that if I had to drop out at any time due to any covid restrictions or anything like that, because we are in separate cities that she would completely understand and would not hold it against me. And I just thought it was so sweet and compassionate of her to understand that

01:02:46

Speaker 2: even though it is her special day, that there is a lot of trying times for everybody. So for that, I just want to say thanks Jackie.

01:02:52

Speaker 1: It is so refreshing to hear about a bride who has a good understanding about how a wedding can impact all kinds of people. Seriously big, big bravo to Jackie and Emma, thank you so much for sharing

01:03:08

Speaker 1: and thank you for listening. Thank you to everyone who sent us something and who supports us on Patreon. Please do connect with us and share this show with friends and family and co workers on social media or however you like to share podcasts,

01:03:21

Speaker 1: you can send us questions feedback and salutes by email to awesome etiquette at Emily Post dot com by phone. You can leave us a message or text at 802858 kind. That's 8028585463

01:03:34

Speaker 1: on twitter, we are at Emily Post inst on instagram, we are at Emily Post Institute and on facebook were awesome etiquette and the Emily Post Institute,

01:03:44

Speaker 1: please consider becoming a sustaining member. You can find out more about this by visiting patreon dot com slash awesome etiquette. You can also subscribe to the ads version of our show on Spotify or your favorite podcast app and please consider leaving us a review. It helps with our show ranking, which helps more people find awesome etiquette. Our show is edited by chris, Albertine and assistant produced by Brigitte Dowd. Thanks Kris and Brigitte.