Episode 352 - Borrowing Trucks

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Speaker 1: maybe it's just that you don't know how to use social, Could you see that's old fashioned,

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Speaker 1: Watch how busy post and then post to act as host and hostess. They know that courtesy means showing respect, thinking of the other person, real friendliness.

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Speaker 2: Hello and welcome to awesome etiquette

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Speaker 1: where we explore modern etiquette through the lens of consideration, respect and honesty. On

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Speaker 2: today's show, we take your questions on co workers asking you to finish their work, who should be invited to a wedding,

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Speaker 2: borrowing trucks to move furniture and asking for money instead of gifts at your

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Speaker 1: wedding For awesome etiquette sustaining members, Your question of the week is about gender inclusive titles

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Speaker 2: plus your most excellent feedback etiquette salute and a postscript segment on Emily's house on Martha's vineyard.

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Speaker 1: All that coming up,

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Speaker 2: awesome etiquette comes to you from the studios of our home offices in Vermont and is proud to be produced by the Emily Post Institute. I'm lizzie Post

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Speaker 1: and I'm dan Post sending

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Speaker 2: because we had to do some serious uh dining manners, moments on our little mini work vacation together,

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Speaker 1: oh my goodness,

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Speaker 2: we had to eat lobster out of the shell, in front of all of each other.

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Speaker 1: I think I even

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Speaker 1: stood on a chair and took a picture of a dining room table which I've never done in my entire life, was supposed to serving up lobster dinner was definitely worth

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Speaker 2: it. It was a really a

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Speaker 2: dining moment, I felt because like the kids were learning about like the claw crackers and stuff, they didn't have lobsters themselves, they were like, Anisha was more skeptical. I remember she saw the lobster on the plate and she was like, is it gonna bite me? Because I was like, one of those moments, right? Like, no, how do I tell you what's really going on here?

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Speaker 1: I was so proud of her. Uh

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Speaker 1: she tried, it didn't bravery that it might have then it might have read to an outside observer, but knowing my little girl, I think that she was holding it together and did such a good job.

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Speaker 2: Did she try any of the lobster?

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Speaker 1: I don't know if we got that

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Speaker 2: far, We got that far because I know she was interested in how everyone was

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Speaker 2: dissecting them. You know like getting them open and getting the meat out of them.

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Speaker 1: Oh yeah, no, no, no, she was really intrigued by the whole thing. But they are so real. They look like a thing. It's a real animal. Exactly. Can see the different parts of and know what

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Speaker 2: station? Yeah.

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Speaker 2: Oh and there's you know like what six or eight legs too big claws, antennas, eyeballs. Like it's the lobsters are a thing that's for sure. That's for sure.

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Speaker 2: It was really fun to all sit around the table and just your you go past that kind of delicate stage. You know, we didn't have bibs but it was like it was it was tear in, you know, like if juice squirts from the person next to you, just say, oops, sorry, you

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Speaker 1: know, like it's it

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Speaker 1: at least I hit my own face with the juice that time. Right?

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Speaker 1: And clearly, I don't know if you knew this before or not, lizzie. Post lobsters are a favorite of my mother and it's not something that she often does for herself and

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Speaker 1: she certainly enjoyed being part of all that. And I definitely found her the next day at lunch with a lobster claw on a lemon

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Speaker 2: wedge

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Speaker 1: standing at the kitchen counter.

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Speaker 2: They are there so, so deliciously good, so deliciously good.

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Speaker 2: Well, I certainly had a great time, Thank you so much for inviting me to come down. It was really nice to get out of

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Speaker 2: Burlington for a little bit and it was really fun to, to see the kids and just kind of be, to be in a different environment. Was really for me, the big part of that whole trip was like, wow, not my living

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Speaker 1: room,

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Speaker 1: that part was really incredible. No question after what, 14, 16 months to to really change venue, at least for me. Um for real was unbelievable and satisfying in so many ways that I didn't expect and

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Speaker 1: taking a four year old back to a place that you spent time in your childhood, the whole trip

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Speaker 1: took on this magical quality for me that I just, I couldn't have anticipated before, before it happened, I was imagining that sort of that whole post pandemic feel, but I think because Anisha,

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Speaker 1: my now 4.5 year old daughter had been home for those 16 months in some ways.

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Speaker 1: I missed seeing some of those new things through her eyes in the same way and

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Speaker 2: it kind of like her growing up through the world around her. It was, it was limited to the house for the past year. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: exactly. And there was something that was sort of hyper accelerated I think about us going out together but then also layering in

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Speaker 1: that experience of nostalgia sort of first family vacation with nostalgia. Yeah.

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Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah dan are you, are you willing to share one of the really cute things that was going on during this whole vacation and you had told me about it when I came down like prepping me that Tunisia had been doing this and that it was really cute

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Speaker 2: but then I actually got to hear in action and Cindy ended up having like a whole, a whole morning of it one day that just like cracked us all up. But

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Speaker 2: kids, you know how like

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Speaker 2: you don't realize sometimes kids are kids learning things until, until you hear them say stuff in very kid ways as opposed to kind of like the,

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Speaker 2: the adult standards, we all get used to like where are you from? Are you here on vacation? Things like that? And Anisha had just really cute ways of, she was talking to everybody around her. It was so cute.

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Speaker 1: That was my favorite part. She literally,

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Speaker 1: I would speak to every person, every would cross paths with who would make eye contact with her and it was certainly my mother that had, I think the most fun sort of out for walks with her and stuff like that and I think her favorite line was, we're not from this village

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Speaker 2: were not from this village, I loved

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Speaker 1: that and my favorite, we're on holiday with a

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Speaker 1: somewhere between a Peppa pig, british accent and a bluey Australian accent, so somewhere between, we're not from this village were on holiday and people had no idea exactly where Alicia was from and it was so much fun.

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Speaker 2: No, it sounded, it sounded really, really cute and your mom just, she, she was in such a delight telling us the story of their adventure and all the people they talk to and just niche, like relating to people again, like you know, just stranger, it's not your classroom, it's not, you know the daycare where you once were and now your little sister is, it's like these are

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Speaker 2: new people, like new fresh people and they might be on on holiday like but I just love that were, I'm not from here, I'm from Vermont were from a different village, just loved that, it was super cute. Um Well it was, it was certainly a good time and it was really great to get away. So thank thank you very much for including me.

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Speaker 2: One thing we didn't get done on our work slash vacation trip was this podcast. So do you think that maybe we should get to some questions so that we could get this to chris our editor before it goes out today?

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Speaker 1: I think we should,

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Speaker 2: let's do it,

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Speaker 1: let's do it,

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Speaker 1: awesome etiquette is here to answer your questions, you can email them to awesome etiquette at Emily Post dot com. You can leave us a voicemail or text at 802858 kind. That's 8028585463 You can also reach us on social media on twitter. We are at Emily Post Institute on instagram. We are at Emily Post Institute and on facebook we are awesome etiquette.

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Speaker 1: Just remember use the hashtag awesome etiquette with your post so that we know you want your question on the show.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: Our first question of the show this week is titled awkward, Office problem. Dear lizzie and dan. I am fairly new to my current job less than two months in congratulations on your new job

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Speaker 2: and I've already noticed a particular coworker who moves at a fairly slow pace, doesn't get things done quickly.

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Speaker 2: Not to toot my own horn, but purely for context. I have been praised for the amount of work I've already done since starting here

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Speaker 2: recently. The slower co worker approached me and asked if I would finish something that he was assigned to do. This makes me feel uncomfortable. I know that I'm capable of doing it, but I feel that if it's too much for him he should tell her supervisor and the supervisor should reassign it.

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Speaker 2: I don't think it's right for me to just pick up the work when I when it was assigned to him.

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Speaker 2: But I also don't feel right about telling my supervisor what the co worker has asked of me because I don't want the co worker to be upset. What should I do? Is there a sample script for this scenario? Thanks Shelly

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Speaker 1: Shelly, thank you so much for the question. This is a potentially tricky situation, but I do think that there are some

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Speaker 1: relatively simple things that you can do that are going to help you work your way through it.

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Speaker 1: Congratulations on the new job and for

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Speaker 1: feeling good about it and for doing it well enough that people around you are looking to you as someone who they want help from. That is often times a good sign about your role somewhere.

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Speaker 1: Having said that you don't always want to be doing other people's work and it is okay to say no, particularly if someone doesn't manage you, if you don't report to them.

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Speaker 1: And oftentimes, that's the easiest way to redirect or request like that. You can

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Speaker 1: respond something along the lines of oh, did so and so ask or

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Speaker 1: I'd be happy to, I should really check with so and so if you would be happy to and you want to check with so and so, but

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Speaker 1: it's a way to affirm and connect with the person who made the request of you that there is someone who, you know that you're responsible too. And that's the person that either the request should come through or that you're going to need to check with before you can say yes.

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Speaker 2: I think that's perfect. And because it really exactly highlights the issue that's making our listener Shelly

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Speaker 2: feel uncomfortable, which is that idea of

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Speaker 2: this isn't the normal sort of um I don't want to say chain of command, but process that we go through here, you know what I mean? Or this isn't like my work comes from my supervisor, not my coworker. And yes, I could just take it on, but I'm new here and I really want to like follow the sort of proper procedures for stuff. And

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Speaker 2: it might be that your your supervisor ends up saying yeah, and don't worry about running stuff like that by me in the future. Um in which case then you have a lot of autonomy to say yes, I'm happy to take that work on or no, I actually, you know, was

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Speaker 2: I don't know, you probably wouldn't say I was looking forward to a light work week. No, I don't want to take on your load, but you might just simply say, I'm sorry, I can't take that on this week, feel free to ask again another time or don't add that on if you don't want someone asking again another time.

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Speaker 2: But I like this idea of thinking about the structure that you're working within and leaning on that structure to get this particular awkwardness to a place that feels more

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Speaker 1: comfortable. I definitely think it's worth mentioning and also worth considering this idea that you don't want to report to your boss on someone else asking you to help them out with something. And I think that is something that's worth

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Speaker 1: keeping an eye on or being aware of the idea of being a tattletale or

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Speaker 1: um someone that's communicating about someone something that's negative without talking to them about it or addressing it with them yourself. If you could are things that

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Speaker 1: could be problematic in the long term work relationship and being new and thinking about maintaining those relationships and getting to know people.

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Speaker 1: I think you're wise to be aware of that possibility so that you can avoid it.

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Speaker 2: Shelly, thank you so much for the question. Keep up the great work at the new job and we hope it continues to go well,

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Speaker 2: there are a lot of odd jobs that don't seem ever to get done.

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Speaker 2: Who's going to do those. We all have spare time,

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Speaker 2: their ideas help their family.

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Speaker 2: See how many would help your family?

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: Mhm.

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Speaker 1: Our next question ask or wonders should we be invited?

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Speaker 1: My daughter in law has a brother who was getting married in early tune.

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Speaker 1: My daughter in law is pregnant and we are having a granddaughter in May.

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Speaker 1: We and my daughter and lost parents are the grandparents of the new baby.

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Speaker 1: We have entertained my daughter in law's parents on various occasions and have always included my daughter in law's brother.

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Speaker 1: Should we be invited to the wedding? Are we family

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Speaker 1: anonymous

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Speaker 2: dan. I love the way this question was asked because it's got a should in it

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Speaker 2: and and should is one of those words that we use a lot when we're talking about that we do this is how it should go.

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Speaker 2: And yet like I could never forget my therapist had a card, there were business cards in her in her office and they all had these wonderful little sayings on them. You could take one with you as little pocket reminder, you know,

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Speaker 2: and it was the word should with a big old, you know, the circle with a line through it, don't should yourself.

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Speaker 2: And I think that this is a good place to remember that, that the word should doesn't always serve us well when it comes to weddings. It's funny because the people throwing the wedding are operating under a lot of should, but those who are outside of that,

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Speaker 2: it's a really good idea to drop those sugars because it can start to feel like,

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Speaker 2: uh, like you're being left out when you shouldn't be. And the reality is, weddings are such personal events. And there are so many reasons why venue number, other family members from the other side of the wedding party and everything. There might be reasons why you fall into the category of too, too far extended out.

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Speaker 2: Even though you entertain and socialize with these folks at some different events. It might be that the wedding is the one where either the event is really small or the other guests that have to be invited or who just fall unfortunately higher up on that priority chain end up

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Speaker 2: being the ones that do exactly that they fall higher up on that priority chain. And there's only so much room at the wedding. So

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Speaker 2: should is one of those where I try to really back off when it comes to weddings as a guest. And I'm hearing myself say that I've certainly felt this way myself sometimes dan had to, you know, coach me through a really disappointing, I didn't make the cut to the wedding that I thought I should have been invited to.

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Speaker 2: And those chutes can really get you into that place. But

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Speaker 2: often when it comes to these in laws that we celebrate with because our our child, our sister, our, you know, our sibling or somebody is close with them or even directly related to them now via marriage, it doesn't always connect us to that extended extended family. You know what I mean? It's like

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Speaker 2: you aren't considered family to your daughter's brother in law or your daughter in law's brother in this case, it's like the the in law thing kind of stops at the immediate level. You know, the immediate family level,

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Speaker 1: You're the one that taught me that in terms of the technical use of the term,

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Speaker 1: I would just use in laws with like anybody who married into a family with any relationship. So if I had a cousin, they got married, that was not my cousin in law, I hadn't she married my uncle, you

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Speaker 2: might describe it that way to get people there quicker, but you're right. It's not a technical

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Speaker 1: and it is also true that

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Speaker 1: this is how families

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Speaker 1: grow and feel connected. And

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Speaker 1: I love the pairing of these two questions that should we be invited to the wedding and our family. And it would seem that those two questions would be really connected. And

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Speaker 1: as I first read this question, even before I went back and reminded myself of what all of these different relationships were and exactly

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Speaker 1: where the connections were or maybe weren't in terms of how extended we're talking about a familial relationship

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Speaker 1: that not everyone from a family always gets invited to a wedding wedding. Kessler's decisions are really tricky and

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Speaker 1: we do our best oftentimes and often that's the good etiquette advice is to try to think in clusters and people who are similar

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Speaker 1: sort of relationship distance from the couple and trying to include everyone that you can and the cousin circle or the sibling group,

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Speaker 1: but it's not always possible.

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Speaker 2: Absolutely, Absolutely.

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Speaker 2: And yeah, there are situations where, as dan was saying your your your family really is made up the way your family is, you know what I mean? Um and you could, you might be very close to this young man and that that might warrant it.

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Speaker 2: But again, because he's in the position of getting married and he's in the position of creating the guest list, it's upon him

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Speaker 2: to balance and and and his partner and and the host of the party to, to balance out those relationships and figure out what makes sense for this particular event. And that's something that I would believe it or not, even though it sounds very personal, I would take it less personally

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Speaker 2: because there are so many other factors that are coming in

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Speaker 2: to determine that particular guest list for this particular event that like for instance anonymous. What I don't want you to feel is that if you don't get invited to this, that the brother doesn't think your family, when you might think he's family instead take it to that notch of circumstances weddings are complicated. There are only so many seats often available at a wedding.

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Speaker 2: Um, and they probably had to make some tough decisions. Um, and then move forward by celebrating all the ways that you normally celebrate and include this person and their, their new spouse if you can and want to. And you might have some events that are more intimate family gatherings that that you all do with the new baby and everything you never know.

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Speaker 2: But to not not worry so much that

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Speaker 2: it has any kind of a negative impact if you, if you aren't or negative association, if you aren't invited to this wedding

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Speaker 1: anonymous, thank you so much for the question and we really hope that you continue to feel more and more like a big family moving forward

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Speaker 1: mother. Why do you suppose mary didn't invite me to her party? Are you sure you didn't get an invitation? Maybe they thought they wouldn't want to go to a party. They probably thought I wouldn't know how to add, Hey now you're named Cindy, not Cinderella.

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Speaker 1: Yeah,

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Speaker 2: our next question is titled Tricky truck Question Hi, daniel and lizzie. My question is about getting help from friends with trucks, dan, has it officially taken

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Speaker 2: the seven years, 352 episodes to get to this question. I battled this question all the time when my dad had a truck. I can't wait to get into it. I am so sorry for the sidebar. Okay.

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Speaker 2: In general, I try not to ask friends to use their trucks to move things unless it's been offered because I know a lot of people who own trucks get asked for a lot of favors. In my case, I just recently moved to a new town with no furniture

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Speaker 2: and I've had a few people offer me their trucks in case I should need it down the road.

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Speaker 2: What would be a good way to thank someone I just met for helping me transport furniture. Should I buy them dinner? Give them a card. I'm struggling to know what to do since it's not really a friend of mine. Thanks Mario Mario. I love this question

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Speaker 1: Mario. Before I let lizzie post, just

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Speaker 1: go to town on this

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Speaker 2: one. I'm just excited. I can't wait to hear dan's thoughts

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Speaker 1: on the matter. I'm going to narrow my focus down to a sort of a sub question that I'm seeing here,

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Speaker 1: which is how do I thank someone I just met for helping me transport furniture is the question that you ask. And to me that is a very different question. Then how do I thank someone for letting me use their truck or how do I ask to borrow a truck? Well, or think about

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Speaker 1: the

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Speaker 1: trickiness of that truck question,

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Speaker 2: for example, in both, because they're both good questions,

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Speaker 1: they are. But I thought the tricky truck question,

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Speaker 1: frankly, it's so much fun and that someone helping you transport furniture is really a big favor. That is awesome. And that person I'm looking to do something really nice for, I want to invite them to dinner or um let them know that

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Speaker 1: I owe them a favor in a way that they know they can count

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Speaker 2: on me for something to lean on and actually

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Speaker 1: like that's a big, that's a really big favor. It's a really nice thing and thinking

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Speaker 1: seriously about how you thank someone for for doing that kind of work with you is a really good idea. The question of borrowing a truck,

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Speaker 1: there are so many ins and outs to it. There are so many ways to think about it. I'm really curious lizzie because you were the gatekeeper for your father's tracker. Along my gatekeeper,

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Speaker 2: I kind of was a gatekeeper for that truck. Um Sorry, my brain is filled with lots of memories. Um truck borrowing. Uh I think that when it comes to borrowing the truck where it's you you you get the truck, you get to go off and use it for however long you've said you're going to use it for

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Speaker 2: and then bring it back to the person and they're not really involved in the movie because I'm with you dan that. I think that moving the furniture that does a dinner out, you know, a gift card to a nice restaurant in town or something like that or in a very serious and then I would say followed up upon offer

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Speaker 2: helping someone else or really keeping an ear out. If you do hang out with this person, let's say, I know you're new to town so they might not be friends yet.

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Speaker 2: Um, but you've got their phone number clearly like making that offer every 36 months year, something like that. Of just, hey, you know, I still remember how helpful it was when you help me move. Please let me know if there's anything coming up that you could use an extra hand on what a text message to receive.

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Speaker 2: You

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Speaker 1: know, very nice.

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Speaker 2: I totally have have tangent of myself though, the borrowing of the truck, the actual truck. I think that when you take it, you use it, you bring it back. The number one thing is that you bring it back with either a full tank or having at least replaced the amount of gas that you use different budgets might vary. And I think that my big thing is the timing

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Speaker 2: that you really make it clear when the person will get their vehicle back and that doesn't necessarily mean you dictating it. It might mean them dictating it. Um, it's, it's the, when do you need the truck back by and then really doing your very best to

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Speaker 2: not just okay, so we'll take as many loads as fast as we can and go. But be strategic,

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Speaker 2: you know, take the things you really can't carry first, get rid of everything you couldn't carry your deal with without the truck first. That way if you do go over time you're able to say no, I got all the big stuff. I really needed it for finished. It's just little stuff and I can figure that out between Ubers and buses or something like that.

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Speaker 2: But I think those are the two big ones for me are that you, you're replacing the gas that you've used or you're filling up the tank as a thank you And then you're also um, and not just as a thank you, but because it is the good, good right thing to do, especially with gas prices starting to go up.

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Speaker 2: But then I think it's making sure you get it back on time.

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Speaker 2: The third thing obviously would be that you really want to be returning in the condition, it was found no dense if you are moving heavy stuff that you're putting down a blanket or a tarp or something, you know, so that you're not scratching the truck in any way. Just that you're really being super cautious. This is someone else's vehicle,

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Speaker 2: um, depending on the year make and model. I mean, gosh, the price can run way more than I could afford if something happened to it. I'll tell you that.

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Speaker 2: And so I think it's, it's one of those things where you, you recognize the bigness of the favor that you're receiving, um, by really using extreme caution and making sure that this truck is going to be returned in the exact condition it was lent to you in.

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Speaker 2: That's, that's my rant on trucks.

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Speaker 1: And I heard it kind of wove into all of those points this idea too, that you're thanking all the time, that you're genuinely appreciative that a truck is a resource and it's one of those resources that when you need it,

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Speaker 1: it's just really great to have and there's a certain cost associated with keeping it those other times when you don't need it and really being appreciative of the person that's doing that, I'm trying to figure out a way that they can feel really good about that resource getting used is

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Speaker 1: um, a big part of it and just even acknowledging that how great it is that this was available and they were willing to do it.

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Speaker 1: So you flush out that thanks a little bit with some, some personal connection and some acknowledgement of what they've done for you.

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Speaker 2: I feel like even though it's completely not related to etiquette, I have to break out that the other morning dan and I both called each other to geek out on the ford lightning electric truck that like

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Speaker 2: has enough battery power to generate your house, you know, be a generator for your house. Like if your power goes out, like

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Speaker 2: we were like drooling over this truck talking about like when we could get to the point where we might be able to have that extra, you know, you have an extra car, but like have an extra utility car that's like this truck, this particular weekend.

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Speaker 1: Dream Dream

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Speaker 2: trucks are really, really useful, really, really useful people who have trucks. Thank you so much for your patience and understanding with the rest of us who,

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Speaker 2: who are in all want to make the jump and, and either can't or haven't because your constant lending out of your vehicle. Um it helps a lot of people and I just, you know, big round of applause

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Speaker 1: to the world around

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Speaker 2: the truck, the truck drivers who make a difference to the rest of us are the truck owners who make

00:27:03

Speaker 2: make a difference to the rest of us and let us borrow. I hope there are many thank you notes in your future. And that would be the other thing I would say Mario is that

00:27:09

Speaker 2: no dan said thank all the way through out and then you had mentioned a card never hurts to send a card as a follow up if you can and if you don't have the person's address you could do that thing I do would just take the

00:27:22

Speaker 2: take the card right, the handwritten card, shoot him the text message with a picture of it and you can even so dying to send this to you, please shoot me a mailing address.

00:27:30

Speaker 2: I

00:27:31

Speaker 1: thought you were going as they leave it on the dash. Oh,

00:27:34

Speaker 2: well yes. If you're that coordinated and you're able to get to a store and get a card to be able to leave when you return the car. That would be really, really nice.

00:27:42

Speaker 1: And for anyone out there laughing at us for suggesting thank you notes for borrowing a truck. This is an etiquette show. Thank you. Really. They are remarkably powerful. People will appreciate them, even people who drive trucks, I promise.

00:27:56

Speaker 2: Yes. Yes, yes. Yes Mario thank you so much for such a great question. There are almost five million trucks in operation and most of them in private business. Special products are hauled in, special truck

00:28:10

Speaker 2: for modern civilization, depends on wheel.

00:28:16

Speaker 1: Yeah.

00:28:18

Speaker 1: Our next question is about money instead of gifts.

00:28:22

Speaker 1: Hello. My daughters are both getting married soon and they have both decided that they want money instead of gifts.

00:28:28

Speaker 1: Is this proper etiquette? If so, how do they make that known on invitations or otherwise?

00:28:34

Speaker 1: Thanks, Mother of the bride's.

00:28:36

Speaker 2: I like that Mother of the bride is plural. Mother of the bride. Floral money. Money now is something that you can ask for but rather than ask for instead of gifts entirely, because that does start to feel very directed. You know,

00:28:51

Speaker 2: I think that the best way to do this is have both of your daughters set up small, small registries

00:28:57

Speaker 2: with some items on it and not like three item registries, you know, but like a decent amount enough that you know, 15 2020 guests, if you're thinking of like 100 and 20% wedding or something like that or maybe more 30 guests would would still be able to buy a gift for them if they wanted to. But then use the wedding website

00:29:17

Speaker 2: as a place to also have a link to a cash registry.

00:29:20

Speaker 2: I personally always like seeing this as something that's, that's an actual like wedding gift fund type thing as opposed to just a Venmo handle, you know, I don't know why, but dressing it up as that like wedding cash registry as opposed to just here's my Venmo handle, I think does kind of give it a little, a little bit of more of a wedding themed, you know, approach to it.

00:29:45

Speaker 2: But you can absolutely have that link as an option. The reason to do a registry with some physical gifts is because not everybody feels comfortable giving cash and it's, it's sometimes people already have an idea in mind of what they'd like. They had something they received as a wedding gift and they thought it was the best thing ever and they really want to give it to you.

00:30:05

Speaker 2: There's a lot of different reasons why we choose to give the type of wedding gift that we give, and allowing your guests who are obligated to give you a gift, you know, allowing them to have some choice in the matter, not just having that one line that says, please give us cash or which is not what you would, right,

00:30:25

Speaker 2: what would help us the most would be to have the freedom to make some decisions

00:30:29

Speaker 2: as they come. You know, like people weren't at all different ways, but the idea is that you don't need specific things or

00:30:36

Speaker 2: you have kind of a broader, general sort of topic area that you're going after. So, like I've seen wedding registries where the only thing you're giving is cash but it's all to fund furniture for the house or something like that, you know? So there's like a

00:30:51

Speaker 2: an idea that the guest has of what this money is going to go do in the couple's new life.

00:30:57

Speaker 2: And I think that theme ng it that way really helps keep the wedding theme a part of it be gives people some idea of what they're giving to and then see sorry, different topic. When you have that registry with the gifts, it gives people who aren't comfortable with cash the option to give a gift. You might say to yourself yeah but you don't have to get things off the registry.

00:31:18

Speaker 2: So why would someone feel obligated to only do the cash registry? If that was the only one they saw. It's really nice to make the ease of a registry. It helps guests know your style, it helps them know exactly the types of things that you would want and having that alongside your cash registry. It's just very thoughtful and considerate for your guests.

00:31:39

Speaker 1: And it's entirely possible that people will get you something that's on neither of those lists that they will ignore the registry, ignore the suggestions.

00:31:48

Speaker 1: And even as I say it, I'm also remembering that the vast, vast majority of people are looking for some direction. Are happy to take some direction and making it really easy for people with uh, as he says, a well designed cash registry and a few other options. Makes so much sense.

00:32:06

Speaker 1: Mother of the bride. We know how much work it is to play on one wedding. Good luck with two. We wish you the best and congratulations.

00:32:18

Speaker 2: Thank you for your questions. Please send us updates or feedback on our answers to awesome, dedicated Emily Post dot com. Leave a voicemail or text at 802858 kind. That's 8028585463 Or reach us on social media on twitter. We're at Emily Post on instagram. We are at Emily Post Institute

00:32:38

Speaker 2: and on facebook were awesome etiquette. Just use the hashtag awesome etiquette with your social media posts so that we know you want your question on the show.

00:32:52

Speaker 1: If you love awesome etiquette, consider becoming a sustaining member. You can find out more about this by visiting us at patreon dot com slash awesome etiquette. You'll get an ads, free version of the show and access to bonus questions and content plus you'll feel great knowing you helped to keep awesome etiquette on the air

00:33:08

Speaker 1: and to those of you who are already sustaining members. Thank you so much for your support.

00:33:13

Speaker 2: It's time for our feedback segment where we hear from you about the questions we answer in the topics we cover and today we are hearing from longtime listener lubna on episode 3 47. If you should bring a hostess gift to a play date dan, take us away.

00:33:29

Speaker 1: Hi lizzie and dan. I have three kids and before they all started school we went to a lot of play dates and I totally understand what the listener was saying. I found that these were very informal gatherings and I would usually bring some sort of food item. It could be a cake, I made cookies something as simple as homemade rice krispie squares.

00:33:47

Speaker 1: These were always a hit and still are.

00:33:50

Speaker 1: If the kids are too small to enjoy the food, I would bring something for the adults to eat like fresh baked bread or a dip with nachos. Everyone always appreciated the food and I didn't feel I was going over the top for bringing something I couldn't sustain in the long run.

00:34:04

Speaker 1: If food isn't an option, I would even bring a little craft item for the kids

00:34:08

Speaker 1: since the kids were the same age as my own, I would pick items My kids enjoyed playing with like pearler beads.

00:34:15

Speaker 1: I just thought I would share. I feel this listener shouldn't abandon her ways of being generous but find a way that works for her. It's always a great feeling to enjoy food with friends.

00:34:25

Speaker 2: I I absolutely love that. Love to thank you so much for the feedback

00:34:32

Speaker 1: and it is so good to hear from you.

00:34:34

Speaker 1: Thank you for sending us your thoughts and updates. Please do keep them coming. You can send your next question, comment or feedback to awesome etiquette at Emily Post dot com. You can leave us a voicemail or text at 802858 kind. That's 8028585463

00:34:53

Speaker 1: Mhm.

00:34:55

Speaker 2: Yeah,

00:34:56

Speaker 2: it's time for our post script segment where we dive deeper into a topic of etiquette and today we're getting a bit nostalgic. We each stopped by to gaze at the Emily Post House on Fuller Street in Edgartown massachusetts during our vacation.

00:35:10

Speaker 2: And while it was june and the gardens were in bloom yet the house still feels like home. It still looks like Emily's house. And I just it's I'm so glad that it is still there to be able to have those moments with dan. You had a really great idea for today's postscript and that was to honor the place where Emily wrote so many of her wonderful books on etiquette from

00:35:33

Speaker 2: by reading a passage from laura Claridge's biography on Emily Post about her vineyard home.

00:35:41

Speaker 1: It was definitely impossible to spend a few days editing a new edition of Emily Post etiquette in Edgar Town and not think about the fact that Emily wrote a lot there in that environment. And um definitely inspired us to take a look back. And today's reading is going to come from the Lower Claridge biography that we love so much.

00:36:03

Speaker 1: Um And it's actually the beginning of chapter 45 page 2 81 for anybody who would be interested.

00:36:09

Speaker 1: Laura begins

00:36:10

Speaker 1: though by the mid 19 twenties it was already a popular vacation spot for the well heeled Martha's vineyard, cold in the winters remained a natural paradise for foxes and pheasants, dunes and marshes. Emily's annual visits to Catherine colliers summer rental finally convinced her to buy her own house on what she had begun to consider an almost magical island.

00:36:32

Speaker 1: She had been looking for a replacement for tuxedo park for a while and not just because of the humidity. Her time there had passed, it was right for her son's generation to hold their own autumn balls these days

00:36:45

Speaker 1: at her leisure. Over the past few years, she had considered everything from the morgan acreage in the Adirondacks to a seaside location on Long Island.

00:36:53

Speaker 1: Once she visited Catherine on Martha's vineyard, however, she knew she was home. Later, she explained that her ancestral link to john and Priscilla Alden of Mayflower fame called her to massachusetts. What's more certain is that before making a final commitment, she ensured that her immediate family would cooperate.

00:37:11

Speaker 1: She worked out a deal with my parents before making the purchase. Bill Post recalls fondly I would spend every summer shuffling back and forth between grandma's and my parents, two or three weeks in Edgar Town, then the next session at tuxedo, so on and so forth.

00:37:27

Speaker 1: The white clapper green shuttered cottage she finally settled on included a private beach about a quarter of a mile from her door on Fuller Street,

00:37:35

Speaker 1: within view of the harbor within walking distance of the village, the location was perfect for a woman unable to drive a car.

00:37:41

Speaker 1: Even the name of the real estate agent who sold her the property, Littleton. See, wimp any seemed scripted for the creator of etiquette, flamboyant characters.

00:37:51

Speaker 2: I was gonna say. It sounds like a character out of her books.

00:37:54

Speaker 1: The house had been remodeled several times already before she bought it while tearing down the roof and the widow's walk Emily uncovered a piece of tile bearing the words,

00:38:04

Speaker 1: this house was re shingled in 18 28 Romantically if inaccurately Emily described the 17 78 residents as an old grey fisher cottage, weather beaten and squatty.

00:38:17

Speaker 1: She loved how her new home balanced a sense of the timeless with the temper of the modern day. The island's slightly stodgy reassurance, anchored to the business of boston, less than an hour and a half away by pleasant fairy and car trip.

00:38:32

Speaker 1: Most important, her son was going to help her renovate the entire house. She and Bruce spent the beginning of 1927 happily arguing over the best ways to update the friendly miniature farmhouse, so appealing that the young architect pushed her to travel to the island early, even before the season began.

00:38:50

Speaker 1: It was easy for Bruce to plead his case for an early departure as they celebrated his 32nd birthday at the beginning of february.

00:38:58

Speaker 1: We'll leave it there,

00:38:59

Speaker 2: I was gonna say

00:39:00

Speaker 1: that was the beginning of Emily in *** Town.

00:39:05

Speaker 2: That's very, very cool. Very, very cool. It is a treat to get to delve back in and hear a little bit about what it was like for her when she first got the house and was first working on that property and making it her own

00:39:19

Speaker 2: certainly does not resemble any kind of a salty sea shack at this point, you

00:39:27

Speaker 1: really get a sense for how the magic of the island captured her that she was looking for a place. And there was something about that, that place. Yeah, that really inspired her and

00:39:38

Speaker 1: just having watched it have the same effect on Indonesia three days four days ago. It's really fun to think

00:39:46

Speaker 2: about it. Really, really, really is. It really, really is very, very cool

00:39:51

Speaker 2: because thank you so much for for diving into the biography and and giving us a taste of what it was like for Emily when she was first getting to know this space that we then think of her so much as having occupied. It was very kind of cool to hear the origin story there.

00:40:07

Speaker 1: You're most welcome.

00:40:11

Speaker 2: We like to end our show on a high note. So we turn to you to hear about the good etiquette you're seeing and experiencing out in the world and that can come in so many forms. And today we have a salute from a lease that happens to be a follow up from episode 2 42 neighbors and fences.

00:40:28

Speaker 2: Hi lizzie and dan. This is a leaf. I'm calling to follow up from episode 2 42 neighbors and fences.

00:40:33

Speaker 2: Yeah.

00:40:34

Speaker 2: Actually here we are an entire two years later and five neighbors in a row happened to all get a fence in the backyard

00:40:42

Speaker 2: and it did take some knocking on doors and getting everyone to come out with masks on during the pandemic to get this going. Uh, Defense company was very thankful to have such a great influx in business all at once and I wanted to give a salute.

00:40:57

Speaker 2: My neighbor, Gabriel is about eight years old and he plays a lot of sports in their backyard and previously he could just come get the ball and now he does have to come knock on the door

00:41:07

Speaker 2: and asked to retrieve the baller asked us to throw it back over for him and he's done such a sweet job of doing this so far. He's so polite, always says please and thank you. Always offers to make it as easy as possible on us

00:41:20

Speaker 2: and I just think that's so sweet that defense still made a good neighbor. Thank you all for the advice, appreciate you.

00:41:28

Speaker 2: In the last two years your podcast has been a weekly reminder of the good in the world Elise. Thank you so much for that salute

00:41:37

Speaker 1: and thank you for listening.

00:41:39

Speaker 2: Thank you to everyone who sent us something and everyone who supports us on Patreon, please

00:41:44

Speaker 1: do connect with us and share this show with friends, family and co workers. However you like to share podcasts,

00:41:50

Speaker 2: you can send us questions feedback and salutes by email to awesome etiquette at Emily Post dot com

00:41:56

Speaker 2: by phone. Leave us a message or text to 802858 kind. That's 8028585463 on twitter. We're at Emily Post inst on instagram. We are at Emily Post Institute and on facebook were awesome etiquette and the Emily Post Institute consider

00:42:11

Speaker 1: becoming a sustaining member. You can find out more about this by visiting patreon dot com slash awesome etiquette. You can also subscribe to the ads version of our show on Spotify or your favorite podcast app and please consider leaving us a review. It helps our show ranking, which helps more people find awesome etiquette.

00:42:28

Speaker 1: Our

00:42:28

Speaker 2: show is edited by the incredibly awesome, amazing patient understanding. Wonderful. Did we say incredible already Chris Albertine and his assistant produced by the incredible Bridget out. Thanks.

00:42:48

Speaker 2: Mhm.

00:42:50

Speaker 2: Mhm.