Episode 355 - Hotel This Time

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Speaker 1: maybe it's just that you don't know how to use social goodness. See it's old fashioned,

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Speaker 1: watch how busy post and then post to act as host and hostess. They know that courtesy means showing respect, thinking of the other person. Real friendliness.

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Speaker 1: Mhm.

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Speaker 1: Hello and welcome to awesome etiquette where

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Speaker 2: we explore modern etiquette through the lens of consideration, respect and honesty.

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Speaker 1: On today's show, we take your questions on disclosing that you're bilingual, traveling with lingering concerns over COVID-19 friends who lock you into plans and asking out of towners to get a hotel instead of staying with you

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Speaker 1: for

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Speaker 2: awesome etiquette, sustaining members are question is about approaching your landlord without causing a conflict.

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Speaker 1: Plus your most excellent feedback etiquette salute and a postscript on going back to the movies. All

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Speaker 2: that's coming up,

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Speaker 2: awesome etiquette comes to you from the studios of our home offices in Vermont and is proud to be produced by the Emily Post Institute. I'm lizzie Post

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Speaker 1: and I'm dan post sending

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Speaker 2: and because I know that you and I are on probably one of the most ambitious working deadlines we've ever been on working every night, which is very unusual for us

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Speaker 2: but our social lives at the same time, even with such work, our back yeah, they're like back and filling up, you are

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Speaker 2: telling me about all kinds of stuff on our pre call today and you've got a lot more people to be managing and considering than I do. What's it like? Like negotiating get togethers and family events and vacation times and housing rentals and things like that. Again,

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Speaker 2: it's tricky.

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Speaker 1: There's family politics, there's just schedules, there's a very real desire among just about everybody in both pooja and mayes, extended families, but

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Speaker 1: to get together to see each other and

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Speaker 1: we're into what we call the birthday season around here in july

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Speaker 2: is like a crazy birthday month,

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Speaker 1: every couple of weeks, there's a couple of birthdays and

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Speaker 1: everybody wants to see everybody and by the time we get all the different family members crisscrossing visits. If we're not careful, it ends up

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Speaker 1: house guests this weekend, house guest next weekend, visit someone the weekend after that house guest the following weekend, head to the place name for the weekend after that. And

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Speaker 1: that's just too much for me, for me personally, not just post pandemic, but I

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Speaker 2: was going to say and never mind the fact that you actually work on Saturdays and Sundays. So that's like super, like adds a whole other layer of complication to making that work. You know,

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Speaker 1: absolutely.

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Speaker 1: Life goes on. Regular life goes on. Also, we've definitely been dealing with the subtleties of those negotiations and

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Speaker 1: it's a theme on this podcast. We often talk about setting boundaries as hosts and

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Speaker 1: talking as guests about everything that it means to host you. We travel with two Children and sometimes a dog.

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Speaker 1: There's some real etiquette questions that pop up. I won't call them trip

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Speaker 2: wires. Yeah. What what are some of the ones that have popped up?

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Speaker 1: Big questions often about um your desire to be together versus whether it's just practical and how to talk about that, how to acknowledge that it could just be difficult to make this happen as much as we would love to do it.

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Speaker 2: So I've been finding myself a lot in that particular position lately because you and I are, we really are like pushing every chance we get to get more and more of this book edited and perfected as best we can while also running the rest of Emily Post.

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Speaker 2: And I found that I have friends who are are inviting me to do things and I genuinely want to do them and I want to express that to them so that they feel how much I appreciate the invitation.

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Speaker 2: And I also have two very practically and realistically layout that

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Speaker 1: you

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Speaker 2: and I sometimes have like, um, just hiccups that can make one editing session or a podcast recording go much longer or get delayed or, or just something, you know, that that throws it off that can so easily eat up into get together play date time.

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Speaker 2: I feel like I'm constantly raising this little white flag of like I am surrendering to not knowing what I'm going to be able to commit to right now, like,

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Speaker 2: and having to communicate that to people well and graciously so that eventually they get together can happen or you don't make someone feel like they keep asking you to do stuff and you keep saying you can't, you know,

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Speaker 1: I really do. And

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Speaker 1: while for me personally, it's, it's a management question that would be true this summer or I hope next summer or the summer after. I do think there is an added,

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Speaker 1: it's post pandemic and there's a lot of sort of social desire that's built up and in this particular moment there's a certain courtesy around acknowledging that

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Speaker 1: as we satisfy it and also being realistic about what's possible. You can't make up a year in a summer.

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Speaker 2: No, you can't. That is a man. What a what a great line to end the intro and you can't make up a year in the summer, but you can have a lot of fun along the way.

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Speaker 1: Yes you can. And that's the good etiquette we keep saying yes, we say yes as much as we do

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Speaker 1: possibly can because

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Speaker 1: it is also just so nice.

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Speaker 2: It's funny how much I feel like the magic words can help you here.

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Speaker 2: You know, even if the magic word is something like I'm so sorry, I won't be able to make it, you know, but using those magic words like I'm so grateful for the invitation or we're so glad we could make this happen, you know? There's things like that, okay, that last sentence didn't have a magic word in it, but you get the idea

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Speaker 1: the magic of words, not just magic word.

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Speaker 2: We just saved me on that because

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Speaker 1: no, I feel it. And as you were talking about the scenario you found yourself in of just the imposition of the work at times and not feeling like you could say yes to everything but wanting to say yes to as much as you can,

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Speaker 1: I was thinking to myself, ah the power of your words, if they could hear that the way we just heard it here,

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Speaker 1: I think you'd be in pretty good shape.

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Speaker 2: Well mr sending was so much going on. Do you think that we should answer some questions?

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Speaker 1: I think we should. Let's do it.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: Yeah,

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Speaker 1: awesome etiquette is here to answer your questions, You can email them to awesome etiquette at Emily Post dot com. Leave us a voicemail or text at 802858 kind. That's 8028585463 You can also reach us on social media on twitter. We are at Emily Post inst on instagram, We are at Emily Post Institute and on facebook were awesome etiquette.

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Speaker 1: Just remember use the hashtag awesome etiquette with your post so that we know you want your question on the show.

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Speaker 2: Our first question is titled secretly speaks spanish,

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Speaker 2: hi lizzie and dan. I have a recurring etiquette dilemma regarding languages. When I was first learning spanish. I liked to try out my spanish when I met native speakers here in the U. S. I think this was often welcomed because of my youthful enthusiasm for the language.

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Speaker 2: Years later, I now work as a spanish english interpreter and I still love spanish, but my relationship to it is more practical and I'm no longer in that honeymoon phase instead of speaking spanish to every spanish speaker I meet, I usually start with english for several reasons, such as

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Speaker 2: one, it's hard to know who is a native speaker, who misses their home country

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Speaker 2: and who is a heritage speaker who grew up speaking english

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Speaker 2: with whom it may be more of a faux pas to break out the spanish to, it feels more inclusive. To address someone in english, showing respect for the english language skills they have acquired, addressing someone in spanish can make it feel like I'm treating them as though

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Speaker 2: they were different or assuming they don't understand english.

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Speaker 2: I also used to teach english as a second language, so I'm conscious of wanting to allow people to practice their english.

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Speaker 2: That brings me to my etiquette question.

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Speaker 2: I have some casual acquaintances in the salsa dance community who don't even know that I speak spanish. There is one man, for instance who has a beginner english level. He seemed proud of himself when he gave me driving directions in english one day.

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Speaker 2: So I did not want to tell him that he went to unnecessary effort

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Speaker 2: and I chose to let him think of me as an english speaker when we see each other in dance class, we don't talk very much. But if there's anything to say it feels nicer to use english with him. At what point does it become dishonest Not to disclose that I speak spanish.

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Speaker 2: I could picture someone being miffed if they found out after several years of being around each other that I could speak spanish the whole time. Of course if I start overhearing something that I shouldn't, I will tell people that I speak spanish and understand what they are saying. But is it better etiquette to make sure people know what languages I speak all along sincerely, secretly. Multi lingual,

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Speaker 1: secretly multi lingual. Thank you for the question from a jealous mostly

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Speaker 1: Singley lingual person.

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Speaker 2: I like that you said mostly because you've worked hard to study some of your hindi

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Speaker 1: and I'm even a little bit better at french probably than I am at hindi. But I can't really claim to be conversational with either of them. I can hack my way through and I so appreciate

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Speaker 1: People who can speak two languages and are navigating all the richness that that presents. So

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Speaker 1: thank you for the question and also thank you for mapping out how your approach to this has changed over the course of a lifetime. I really appreciated hearing that and I think about the youthful enthusiasm that I approached some things with and how it did set me up for success in those things and I sometimes wonder if I could

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Speaker 1: accomplish the same things in the same ways now and I

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Speaker 1: I think that the reality is I probably couldn't and

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Speaker 1: I also like the reality of that being paired with the description of why you decided to approach it the way you've approached it now, why you start with english and why that makes sense to you and your current place in life and with the people that you're interacting with.

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Speaker 1: I also like that you're really thinking about that in the position that it might leave you in

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Speaker 1: if it starts to become awkward or if you feel like you haven't

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Speaker 1: really shared enough of yourself for someone else to feel included in all those different aspects of who you are.

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Speaker 1: I think it's a really smart thing to be thinking about,

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Speaker 1: Big picture. Everything that you said makes a lot of sense. So I think you're in a really good position to say something if you start to feel awkward in any way about having not said anything totally. I am imagining that this particular person that you're describing might be

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Speaker 1: a little surprised and probably delighted to find out that you speak spanish and

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Speaker 1: it might be that you continue this relationship in english for all of the reasons that you've talked about, but that you've added another layer to your understanding about each other and all the different ways that you might communicate. And that can be nothing but a good thing.

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Speaker 2: Absolutely dan. That was exactly the thing that I was going to go for. Is that why not? Especially with someone who you you are seeing on a regular basis. Of course, you don't know how long each of you will be in the salsa class for

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Speaker 2: our salsa group for. But I always think it's it's better to kind of find the way to let that be known than than to start having it.

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Speaker 2: Mm

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Speaker 2: Um you know, it feels like there's something missing. Obviously the other person doesn't but create that awkwardness even just for yourself. You know? So, my vote would be to to find a way either, you know, at class one day, responding to something might be not what this person says to you, but

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Speaker 2: something in spanish or something, you know, finding a good way to slip it in and

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Speaker 2: maybe they'd even even say something like jobless espanol and then you can say see, and it's like, you know what I mean? It's like it's that surprise moment of like wait a second, Do you speak spanish and you're like, yes I do.

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Speaker 1: I think it's really wise or smart or fun to allow for there to be some delight in that surprise that

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Speaker 1: any awkwardness that you might feel

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Speaker 1: as you point out, lizzie probably isn't being felt by other people.

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Speaker 1: So if you don't introduce it as part of the reveal, you're probably going to be in pretty good shape in terms of how it's received.

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Speaker 2: Absolutely

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Speaker 1: secretly multi lingual. Your secret is safe with us. But I certainly hope that you feel comfortable sharing it with this particular person. Therefore to our

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Speaker 2: latin american friends, we say in your words, Russia amigo,

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Speaker 2: that's thanks a million. We won't forget.

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Speaker 1: Our next question is called let's talk travel.

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Speaker 1: Dear lizzie and dan. I'm hoping you can help me with a social and travel related question.

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Speaker 1: Is this really happening with a wavy, smiley face Emoji?

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Speaker 1: Later this summer, I am planning on traveling with my husband and my two small Children to the midwest to visit my family who who we haven't been back in quite some time. And a lot of life has happened since my last visit.

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Speaker 1: Six babies have been born since the start of the pandemic, including my own six month old baby boy. So there is a lot to celebrate. Congratulations.

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Speaker 1: I found out earlier today that one of my cousins is currently battling covid. It was of course saddening to hear this news. And I was also surprised since I was under the impression that she had been vaccinated.

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Speaker 1: I have come to the realization that perhaps I have made some assumptions around vaccinations that are perhaps not true for various family members.

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Speaker 1: I am hoping you can help me move forward. As I plan to broach this subject before my visit,

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Speaker 1: I am planning on sending a big group family text message. These are common in our family a couple of weeks before our trip saying something along these lines.

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Speaker 1: Hey everyone, we are so excited to be home for a visit here in a couple of weeks and we can't wait to see you. We have missed you all so very much. We wanted to reach out and let you know that

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Speaker 1: husband, his name and I have both been vaccinated but of course the kids have not, we are comfortable spending time indoors with vaccinated adults and their kids but would like to remain outdoors with those who have not been vaccinated

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Speaker 1: husband, preschool daughter and myself will all wear masks when travelling via airplane and in airports. If gathering right now doesn't feel like the right choice for you. We want you to know we completely understand and respect that decision.

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Speaker 1: Please reach out in a private message. If you would like to chat more about this topic, see you in a couple of weeks.

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Speaker 1: Okay, so do you feel like this type of message is appropriate? Is there anything about the content or medium that you would advise against? I would love your guidance. Thank you for all that You do. Your conversations every week are so precious to me. West Coast mama,

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Speaker 2: West Coast mama, a plus a plus sample script here. Like minimal edits in my own head. I mean I'm talking things like I might say if you want to chat more about this instead of this topic, you know what I mean?

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Speaker 2: But like that's what I mean when I say minimal edits because we're in the editing zone on this book. I think that what I love about the stand is that west coast mama states

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Speaker 2: how her family is going to work with this and what what what their situation is and how, how they're going to sort of behave frankly, how they're going to handle the situation. One of the only and I don't know whether you'd be comfortable with this or not. One of the only edits I could think of

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Speaker 2: was the idea about or will be wearing masks inside

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Speaker 2: with unvaccinated people. I don't know if that's something you're doing, I know here in Vermont that around unvaccinated people, a lot of parents are choosing to still wear masks indoors that way they can have the interaction indoors, but like you've still got the mask on and you're still practicing some social distancing inside. It can make

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Speaker 2: these types of gatherings where you've got a lot of family

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Speaker 2: and a lot of people and it might, I could see a moment dan, I could see a moment where it's hard to be outside, maybe it starts raining or something like that

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Speaker 2: and either making a decision that your family is going to have to leave if that's the case or that the masks on inside would be comfortable is just something to consider.

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Speaker 2: I don't necessarily think it's something you have to add to this. I really do think that that west coast mama's sample script is like pretty much good to go as is. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I agree. I think the script is really solid. My only thought as I was reading it was about the medium, which West Coast mama also asks about. What do you think?

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Speaker 1: I was thinking to myself? Big picture. I think discussions around mask wearing planning these visits. There are enough subtleties, like the one that you just brought up, for example, that might complicate or make a text that's already a long text even longer and maybe harder for people to understand that

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Speaker 1: some of those subtleties,

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Speaker 1: the reality of them makes me want to allow for more communication. So I would be thinking about either the follow up phone call or the particular members of the family who might not be as good at reading a text all the way through and really parsing all of the particular parts if I was wanting to be sure that people understood.

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Speaker 1: And I also really respect and appreciate the inclusion of the fact that this is a very common way for this family to communicate. And it might be an absolutely perfect way. In fact, it might be the perfect way for this family to get the conversation going to get those basic parameters on the table so that everybody can

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Speaker 1: understand them and respond and react to them in whatever ways they're going to. But

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Speaker 1: it's a great way to get that ball rolling. You

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Speaker 2: know, me, I'm a big fan of the written communication because it gives people that space to absorb and react. And sometimes a phone conversation, it feels like you just go one or two ways, you either like hit the defensive hard or you're trying to absorb something and say yes. So that sounds fine when maybe you might have missed a couple of things in there. And so I actually really like the idea of communicating this in a written format.

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Speaker 2: And like you, if this is the way your family communicates in a longer text message, like this would be received. Well,

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Speaker 2: I think that that's okay. You know what I mean? That's really, really okay. And I love the call out of please reach out in a private message or if you'd like to chat more about this because it invites that further conversation. If someone is confused or uncertain

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Speaker 1: or disagrees, that's

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Speaker 2: another thing or disagrees.

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Speaker 2: But I think that this really lays out how you are going to be behaving. It puts an emphasis on uh the excitement you have for the trip that's coming up and getting ready to see everybody. And I don't get a heavy sense of any kind of judgment from it because I feel like it's yeah, like I just feel like you're like west coast mama, I feel like you're just telling me us the audience, your family

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Speaker 2: who exactly what your M. O. Is going to be and it feels really comfortable reading it.

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Speaker 1: West coast mama. We really appreciate your sending in this question, sharing those thoughts and to the extent that we've added anything. We hope that our answer helps.

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Speaker 1: We also hope that the trip goes really well this summer and that you get to enjoy some great time with your

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Speaker 2: family, travel,

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Speaker 2: our progress in the freedom of movement,

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Speaker 2: from place to place,

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Speaker 2: new things to do

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Speaker 2: and new ways to do them,

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Speaker 2: automobiles,

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Speaker 2: aircraft

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Speaker 2: all are symbols of better living, new places to go

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Speaker 2: and new means of getting there.

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Speaker 2: Yeah,

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Speaker 2: Our next question is titled A pickle with plans. Hi lizzie and dan. I love your show. I have a question about how to not be a flaky friend but still keep some flexibility in my free time.

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Speaker 2: During the pandemic, I became closer to a friend in my bubble.

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Speaker 2: She and her husband were just about the only people I felt safe seeing occasionally in person.

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Speaker 2: Now that things are opening back up though, I would like to spend my weekends with other friends or family. However, this friend keeps locking me into plans.

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Speaker 2: I sometimes babysit on saturday nights and this friend will usually text a week or more in advance to see if I have to babysit the following saturday and if the answer is no, she will then assume we are hanging out by default.

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Speaker 2: She will often even check in a couple times during the week to make sure we're still on. It makes me feel trapped

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Speaker 2: if other friends or family invite me to do something. I often have to decline even though I would love to see them because I am committed already to the friend who asked me first

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Speaker 2: Though I am in my 30s. I have been tempted to revert to a flaky teenager tactic and claim something came up in order to get together with a different group of friends instead or even just stay home on my couch. I don't want to be a flaky friend or hurt their feelings. I do value this friendship.

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Speaker 2: I just don't want to be locked into plans every free weekend. I have, even if I managed to say no, or maybe she will text several times during the week to see if anything has changed.

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Speaker 2: I don't seem to have this problem with any other people. It's the way this particular friend phrases the question that somehow makes me feel cornered. Do you have sample language or guidelines for how to nicely say I don't want to be locked into plans with you. Is it better to ask people if they want to do something before asking if they are free and extracting a commitment?

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Speaker 2: Where am I overthinking this way too much anonymous?

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Speaker 1: Oh, anonymous. I don't think you're overthinking this too much at all, although I hope that we can offer you some comfort and maybe a way to think about it. That will be helpful.

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Speaker 1: I think it's actually really smart to think about how you

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Speaker 1: both modify the way that you interact with someone, but also to think about the way you communicate with someone and

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Speaker 1: I want to give some broad advice that it's absolutely okay to say no. And it's okay to say no for any of the reasons that you mentioned in this question, it's okay to say no because you want to do something with family or someone else,

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Speaker 1: it's okay to say no, because you want to leave that time open to see what else develops. And it's okay to say no, because you just want to keep that time open as time that you can count on, it's time for you, and

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Speaker 1: you can say all of those things to someone, You can say no, I don't have any plans this friday. I'm really looking forward to keeping it that way. And that can be uh enough just to let someone know. And if you do it with a smile on your face and enthusiasm for the prospect of a free saturday afternoon, just to yourself,

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Speaker 1: that is a perfectly reasonable way to respond to that query.

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Speaker 2: Absolutely. Ii second every point in there,

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Speaker 2: it is absolutely one of the tools that we can use in our social toolbox, right? Like our etiquette toolbox as a way to carve out time for ourself. I also think it's important to recognize that

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Speaker 2: we

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Speaker 2: go through different, I don't know if you call them stages dan in our social lives, but we definitely go through different times when we are more open to flexibility, spontaneity. We need that kind of, again, to use the word flexibility in our lives and other times where that more regimented committing way early in advance, feels really good, feels really secure

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Speaker 2: and I think it's really reasonable to have those situations change. I know that that three months ago, I certainly wasn't telling my friends all of the

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Speaker 2: Hey guys, I really want to see you, thank you so much for the invite. I may or may not be able to come if that doesn't work for you. I totally understand. But if I could, I'd love to, you know,

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Speaker 2: give you a call an hour beforehand. I mean it sounds awful when I say it in my head, but because I've been able to communicate to my friends where I'm at in terms of making social plans and how I'm able to accommodate that into my life.

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Speaker 2: It's something that they can then work with. Obviously we add the polite layer to it. So it's not just like, oh my gosh, leave me alone, you know what I mean?

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Speaker 2: But I am a little curious about

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Speaker 2: what you would do dan. When it comes to the repeated requests. I tend to take the road of I'm confident saying no or repeating the same message in a, in a friendly way over and over. But I know some sometimes that can get trying for people

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Speaker 1: it really can. And I also think it's the control that you have the best possible answer. You say no and if you have to say no again, you say no again in what she calls and says, hey, I'm wondering if anything's changed? No. Still really looking forward to that saturday afternoon to myself and without the cheeky tone that I just went totally,

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Speaker 2: totally.

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Speaker 1: But you stay consistent with that. And

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Speaker 1: sometimes that's also the way someone needs to be communicated with. They need to hear something a couple of times before it really registers. And

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Speaker 1: that might be a communication style learning that happens in this friendship so that it can continue.

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Speaker 1: And I think for that to really happen for that to be true.

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Speaker 1: It's important that you don't feel trapped or pressured in this relationship and changing that communication style as conditions and situations change. I think it's going to be really important and

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Speaker 1: no one wants to feel pitied, you know, and I don't think that's what's going on here or

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Speaker 1: or that they're hung out with because someone feels pressured to do that. That's just not good ground for that friendship to grow on. So I think being honest with yourself about that feeling and working to change it is it's good for everybody here

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Speaker 2: as a final thought

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Speaker 2: dan. What do you think about the idea of addressing the sort of changes in social structure? These have been people that you had been only hanging out with, you know, where like this person was your 11 person you would really extend to or one couple you would really extend to during the pandemic

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Speaker 2: and now you're really wanting to branch out be with other people, take time for yourself.

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Speaker 2: Do you think that that in the communication of like things are changing that you would address that or would you just leave it,

00:27:13

Speaker 2: leave it out of it?

00:27:15

Speaker 1: I think that's a great question and it probably really depends on the nature of that conversation. If it sounds like a reason or an excuse for

00:27:26

Speaker 1: creating distance or pushing someone away,

00:27:28

Speaker 1: it might not be received so well. But if it's

00:27:32

Speaker 1: coming up quite naturally and it's

00:27:34

Speaker 1: explaining something that people feel good about and understand, I think it could go a long way to helping someone understand why there maybe is a little more space in the relationship or just being explicit about the fact of the reality that conditions are changing. So the nature of your relationship, the consistency with which you were able to spend time together

00:27:55

Speaker 1: is also changing.

00:27:57

Speaker 1: As long as that feels like a natural conversation to someone and like it's not being offered as an excuse or a reason for pushing them away.

00:28:05

Speaker 1: It would be helpful for me to hear something like that. If I was wondering if there were questions in my mind about

00:28:11

Speaker 1: why this person who I used to just call and pop over is now telling me that they want

00:28:16

Speaker 1: time to themselves

00:28:17

Speaker 2: dan. I am so glad you bring that up because I wanted to let you know that. No, I'm just kidding, I'm

00:28:22

Speaker 1: just kidding

00:28:23

Speaker 2: anonymous. We certainly hope that our advice helps you tackle this friendship problem and that you get a great balance between time with yourself, time doing all the things that you love and time with this friend.

00:28:37

Speaker 2: Yes,

00:28:38

Speaker 2: people around here are learning some of the basic rules for staying in good mental health. First rule is don't bottle up your emotions like love, fear. Anger, express them naturally.

00:28:52

Speaker 2: Of course, emotions like anger have to be expressed with consideration for others

00:28:58

Speaker 2: above all. Don't carry a grudge, get it off your chest, which will make our world a better place to live in.

00:29:13

Speaker 1: Our next question is about kids and coronavirus. Hi, lizzie and Dan. I have some people coming into town later this month and while I am excited to see them, I am concerned about my three year old son.

00:29:25

Speaker 1: Everyone in the family who is old enough has been vaccinated, including the visitors, but I'm still trying to put my son at as little risk as possible.

00:29:34

Speaker 1: What is a polite way to let them know? We would prefer they stay at a hotel and not with us to minimize the exposure to germs they might pick up on the plane. Thanks jennifer,

00:29:44

Speaker 2: jennifer, thanks so much for the question as you can tell

00:29:47

Speaker 2: post pandemic, life is on the brain for, for all of us, it's this big question of how are we managing

00:29:55

Speaker 2: vaccinated versus unvaccinated, getting together, even if you are vaccinated kids who can't yet be vaccinated and travel and whether that, you know, is exposing you more. There's a lot of things that people are trying to balance right now and I think that as always, we tend to lean into communication as a really, really good

00:30:17

Speaker 2: tool and having the conversation is better than not having the conversation. Having the conversation politely is the goal. Um, for me, because when I hear this one, I think it goes with that ask or whoever is doing the asking whether it's your visitors who are saying, hey, we're gonna be in town, we

00:30:36

Speaker 2: get together with you or whether it's you inviting people to come stay and saying we aren't yet ready to have visitors stay at our house as house guests. But I can definitely make recommendations for great, you know, hotels, Airbnb s bed and breakfasts in the area. I think that, that, that to me is the polite language I would use if it had already been agreed that we were getting together and I then had to transition and bring up

00:31:01

Speaker 2: that we aren't hosting people at our house specifically. I would say something like I, I should let you know, we aren't ready to have house guests, but we are ready to entertain and spend time if you, if there's an outdoors to your home outdoors, you know, those types of things and kind of set the boundaries for how you are willing to engage

00:31:22

Speaker 1: lizzie post. I agree. 1000%.

00:31:26

Speaker 1: As I was reading this question, I was wondering at what point in this process are we? And the reason I was wondering that is the

00:31:35

Speaker 1: nature of the sample script or the way that I would talk to someone about it would change a little bit depending on how far into the process we were, if we were well into the process where the assumption that someone was going to be staying with me was pretty firmly established in a reasonable way.

00:31:53

Speaker 2: Like you hear them say something to you like, great, what rooms will we be in and you're like going record scratch? I didn't think you'd be in the rooms.

00:32:01

Speaker 1: Yes. Or if my thinking is changing as I start to really think that

00:32:07

Speaker 1: practically this means they're going to have to be traveling. And I hadn't really thought about that when I thought about how fun it would be to see them.

00:32:14

Speaker 1: And I'm going to change something that was sort of an implicit understanding between us, that somebody would stay with me as that thought develops in my mind about that it might not be safe. Then

00:32:25

Speaker 1: I think the way you broach that subject is when they have to take a lot more care with and you have to offer a lot more explanation. You have to really talk about how that thought developed in your mind, why you feel the way you do about it

00:32:36

Speaker 1: out of respect for them.

00:32:38

Speaker 2: I think I would probably even be adding like an apology to that. Like, I'm so sorry. I I realized as we were making plans and as we got farther down the line,

00:32:48

Speaker 2: either just how uncomfortable I was starting to get or something like, and I don't want to make people apologize for feeling uncomfortable. But I think the idea is that you're apologizing for not having realized ahead of time that you might not be able to accommodate someone in your home the way you would first thought you could.

00:33:05

Speaker 2: Um, because I really just a a plus etiquette thoughts here

00:33:10

Speaker 2: for the reality that this stuff doesn't all happen in the order. You think it should or that we often say it should in our books, right. And that manipulating your sample script or your, you know, how you're going to approach that conversation is the polite thing to do

00:33:27

Speaker 2: to help recognize that that has been sort of a hiccup in the planning process that you've created.

00:33:33

Speaker 2: And

00:33:34

Speaker 1: even if it is something you've created, it, it's something that's emerged, discovered or it just happened, acknowledging that I do think it's really reasonable and it's a, like you say, it's a really important part of the how you deliver that. Well,

00:33:48

Speaker 2: jennifer, thank you so much for this question. We certainly hope that our answer helps and that you all are able to have a fantastic visit with one another.

00:34:01

Speaker 2: Thank you for your questions. Please send us updates or feedback on our answers to awesome etiquette at Emily Post dot com. You can leave a voicemail or text at 802858 kind. That's 8028585463 or reach us on social media on twitter. We are at Emily Post comments on instagram were at Emily Post Institute and on facebook were awesome etiquette. Just remember to use the hashtag awesome etiquette with your social media post so that we know you want your question on the show.

00:34:40

Speaker 1: If you love awesome etiquette, consider becoming a sustaining member. You can learn more about this by visiting us at patreon dot com slash awesome etiquette. You'll get ads, free version of the show and access to bonus questions and content, plus you'll feel great knowing that you helped to keep awesome etiquette on the air

00:34:56

Speaker 1: and to those of you who are already sustaining members. Thank you so much for your support.

00:35:01

Speaker 2: It's time for our feedback segment where we hear from you about the questions we answer in the topics we cover and today we have a voice mail from Kathy about a question last week titled Kirsten, not Kirsten

00:35:14

Speaker 1: hi lizzie and dan. My name is Kathy.

00:35:16

Speaker 1: I just wanted to get follow up on the question that your reader

00:35:20

Speaker 1: just posted about mispronouncing your name and how to remind people who have

00:35:25

Speaker 1: known you for a long time to pronounce it correctly. And I just wanted to offer that something. Unfortunately, I'm the person who has done this to others. And the thing that really helps me is attaching from kind of pneumonic or memory to it. So in your example, perhaps when she says Kirsten, she could say it's Kirsten with a

00:35:44

Speaker 1: soft I sound or with a soft I, and that would make it easier to have the proper pronunciation stick in my head. I had another example, a friend

00:35:56

Speaker 1: a long time ago, um, wanted to clarify the spelling of his name and he said, you know, it's this with five letters and I still remember that every time I go to write his name on a card so that I get it correct. So perhaps that'll help some other users and soften

00:36:11

Speaker 1: this. What I'm sure is a really troublesome experience when it happens over and over and it's people that are close to you. Thanks so much for putting on a great show. It's been wonderful to listen to with most every years

00:36:22

Speaker 1: and just really enjoy listening to it on my way home at the end of the day. So I have a great day,

00:36:27

Speaker 1: Kathy thank you so much for the feedback. I love getting to hear our listener voices. And also thank you for the great advice. Those little pneumonic tricks, those little memory tricks for remembering things that so easily slip our minds are really important. Thank you for the advice.

00:36:43

Speaker 2: Thank you for sending us your thoughts and updates. Please keep them coming. You can send your feedback or update to awesome etiquette at Emily Post dot com. Or leave us a voicemail or text at 802858 kind. That's 8028585463 33.

00:37:13

Speaker 2: It's time for our postscript segment where we dive deeper into a topic of etiquette and today we are talking about such an american pastime. We're going back to the movies because

00:37:24

Speaker 2: the inspiration for this postscript came because I was actually thinking about you and your good friend dan as well as as you and pooja because

00:37:34

Speaker 2: you used to very regularly go to the movies first with yes, no, the

00:37:40

Speaker 1: movies you going to

00:37:41

Speaker 2: do and like there's a lot of tales about your life probably I would say about like six or seven years ago now that for me I remember being like dance headed to the movies with dan dan said at the movies with dan Ambuja dancing. Movies with pooja and her family

00:37:53

Speaker 2: and it's such a great tradition to go do. Seeing something up on the big screen is so incredibly fantastic.

00:38:00

Speaker 2: I don't think the kind

00:38:01

Speaker 1: of movie theater bob corn,

00:38:03

Speaker 2: but it reminded me of this thing that we just, I mean, I know we all recognize we have been going to the movies this year, but like that we really haven't done and that you in your life really haven't done. So I've got to ask, are you guys looking to get back to the movies and do you remember the etiquette of how to do

00:38:17

Speaker 1: it

00:38:19

Speaker 1: as soon as humanly possible and Yes. Yes, Yes, yes,

00:38:22

Speaker 2: yes. Good.

00:38:25

Speaker 1: The movie theater is one of the last great public spaces in american life. A lot of people are familiar with the concept of bowling alone and the idea that the civic centers and community centers in american life or something that people are struggling to maintain

00:38:43

Speaker 1: and movie theaters as places where we

00:38:46

Speaker 1: share time and space with strangers and where we react and relate and respond to

00:38:53

Speaker 1: the same things. The same big images, the same stories, The same archetypes is to me it's it's so important and it's so satisfying to participate in and I missed it when it was gone and I can't wait to be back in it.

00:39:06

Speaker 2: And movies have that particular difference from like sporting events where you're encouraged to shout and be loud,

00:39:12

Speaker 2: where you have to be quiet and it's dark and, and we could say that about, you know, like theaters and and a lot of different types of live performances, but it is a, it's a different space than being like public and in bright lights and where even just talking would be okay. So they really do have their own special etiquette. I feel like,

00:39:33

Speaker 1: and you're right, it's not a live performance. But there are some theater manners, totally basic expectations that allow that public space to work. And

00:39:43

Speaker 1: I am not a

00:39:45

Speaker 1: too touchy about it. You talk about the quiet and obviously a movie like a quiet place, part of the way it functions as the silence and anticipation that builds in the theater with everyone quiet. I'll never forget the experience of seeing. There's something about mary for the first time, a theater that was absolutely packed and just the laughter that rolled through that theater for two hours and sharing that experience of just laughing so hard with so many people. Was it was incredible. I was one of my favorite experiences.

00:40:18

Speaker 1: So silly. Thank you Ben Stiller.

00:40:21

Speaker 1: So it's not that there's a particular, it's got to be this way. It's got to be that way. But there is some sense of identifying and conforming to the expectations of the people that you're there to see the movie with and to enjoy

00:40:33

Speaker 2: a good movie, movie theater behavior. So what are some of our our best tips for our best behavior at the movie theater?

00:40:40

Speaker 1: The first one sounds almost quaint at this point, but believe it or not, 12 years ago when I was writing an early digital manners book, this was a hot topic and it was just turn your cellphone off. Remember to silence it at a movie. The elaboration on that point was that the texting substitution isn't okay. The glowing screen is distracting for people

00:41:00

Speaker 1: in much the same way hearing half a conversation can be. So emphasizing the silencing of phones, the turning off of phones

00:41:10

Speaker 1: and

00:41:11

Speaker 1: also thinking about the way the whole idea of an etiquette, a little sign that told you to behave had developed at the point where

00:41:19

Speaker 1: on the screen before a movie you would get little etiquette. Little tips Quiet. Please silence phones.

00:41:26

Speaker 2: You throw your

00:41:27

Speaker 1: trash in the trash receptacle when the movie's over. Another etiquette point we're going to talk about in a second. But the current example of tickets in our world are those little signs that we see before movies

00:41:41

Speaker 2: because you mentioned it a little bit earlier. But the idea that movie theaters aren't only silence, right? You're allowed to laugh when it's funny, you're allowed to gasp when it's shocking. You might even scream if it's scary,

00:41:54

Speaker 1: a

00:41:55

Speaker 2: cheer plot at the end. But for the most part, when it's general conversation going on on screen, we keep our conversation to ourselves and maybe a quiet whisper something. But

00:42:08

Speaker 2: this isn't the time to like elaborate with great thought to the date, Who's next to you or something like that. This is really a time to enjoy what's happening up on the screen.

00:42:21

Speaker 1: Thank you for making that point more clearly than I did. There is a general expectation of quiet that that allows you to intelligently break those rules with laughter, crying applause and not be that obnoxious person in the theater who's distracting everyone else,

00:42:38

Speaker 2: you know, because there's also noises that don't necessarily come from our mouths, right? But it's the food wrappers,

00:42:43

Speaker 2: the candy that we're eating or diving into or a slurp of a soda, you know, at the bottom, when you're trying to get everything out and those are noises you want to be really, really aware of to try and pick things that are going to be quiet. Try not to get that last tiny droplet from the drink that you've got.

00:43:01

Speaker 1: I used to have a theatre instructor that would act out

00:43:04

Speaker 1: someone opening hard candy wrapped in cellophane as slowly as humanly possible at the quiet as possible moment in the show. I was phenomenal and so agonizing. Um and everyone appreciates that moment where you know someone matching up important

00:43:24

Speaker 1: in one circumstance,

00:43:25

Speaker 1: it's just sort of nothing, it's delightful, They're just crunching away another moment you're sitting one row back and all you can think is this is ever going to stop, this is ever going to stop

00:43:40

Speaker 1: another thing that comes with that food and this is really as much a courtesy to the establishment and the people that work there as it is to your fellow theatergoers, although it's a courtesy to them as well. Um making a little bit of an effort to clean up after yourself is a really important part of enjoying that food in a public place. I won't belabor the point

00:43:59

Speaker 2: because this next point, I got to say, I have never experienced this in a movie theater, but you've either heard about it or experienced it and thats laser pointers. Do people really get obnoxious with laser pointers?

00:44:12

Speaker 1: Yes, and to me this goes beyond rudeness. It steps outside of etiquette becomes a safety issue. And obviously our advice isn't for anyone listening to the show to not bring laser pointers and be the obnoxious person who points at the screen.

00:44:27

Speaker 1: The advice is, if there is someone who's behaving so badly that what they're doing is a disruption, that

00:44:33

Speaker 1: the etiquette advice, the smart thing to do is to find an usher, find someone who works at the theater, someone who has the authority or the standing to deal with something like that, and you let them handle it. So

00:44:45

Speaker 1: if there is something that's really distracting from the show, that's a problem rather than

00:44:50

Speaker 1: try to handle it yourself or confront somebody about it. There are people who have the standing to do it and I would encourage you to lean on them and let them do that

00:45:00

Speaker 2: because even with all the donuts in this list, I am so excited for the next big blockbuster, I don't even know what it's gonna be. I don't even know what's on the horizon. I'm hoping it's something with a superhero or action or I don't even know what I want. I just want to be in an air conditioned dark room with a whole bunch of strangers watching such a great film

00:45:21

Speaker 1: because can I get you anything? Well, I run to the concession. Oh

00:45:24

Speaker 2: definitely. Some reason it's

00:45:26

Speaker 1: Twizzlers, popcorn, Let's get them all,

00:45:29

Speaker 2: by the way, we're celebrating the return to the movie theater. I hope I see what they are.

00:45:35

Speaker 2: Those are some of the important ways we help keep our room

00:45:39

Speaker 1: quiet. Thank you Children. Now let's get back to work.

00:45:46

Speaker 1: We like to end our show on a high note. So we turn to you to hear about the good etiquette you're seeing and experiencing and that can come in so many forms. Today we have a salute from julie. Dear awesome etiquette team. Thank you so much for a great podcast. I look forward to my email every monday from Patreon announcing the release of this week's episode.

00:46:05

Speaker 1: I would like to give an etiquette salute to the team at esa Salazar dot com lizzie Post. Can you remind all our visitors what that is?

00:46:13

Speaker 2: So S a Salazar is a card producer who we worked with to do the Emily Post Garden collection.

00:46:20

Speaker 2: This is actually very exciting little salute. Yeah, at least for our business as well.

00:46:29

Speaker 1: The salute continues. I recently purchased two boxed sets of note cards from the Emily Post Garden collection. Not only are the cards, gorgeous, beautiful designs on high quality paper that make writing a joy,

00:46:42

Speaker 1: but the shipping process was incredibly fast and my order came with a few unexpected freebies and a handwritten message on the invoice

00:46:50

Speaker 1: clearly is a Salazar is a great fit for the creation of Emily Post products as they treat their customers with consideration, respect and honesty. Well done, warm regards, julie. S

00:47:02

Speaker 2: Oh julie! Thank you so much. We this is like, I love this salute because it was the same feeling I got from esa when we met at the trade show. And I remember telling you this dan. I was like, I remember

00:47:16

Speaker 1: she has

00:47:17

Speaker 2: the vibe like she's thoughtful and consider it and,

00:47:21

Speaker 2: and kind, like it was, it was just she's all the things.

00:47:25

Speaker 2: Um but this is, it's julie. I'm so glad this was your experience with ISA. It's certainly been our experience with her. I'm very glad that you're enjoying the garden collection set that you got. But more importantly, I'm just so glad that that feeling came through the business partner that we were working with on this collection. That was just

00:47:45

Speaker 2: it really is, it is her, it is her nature, it's who she is at heart

00:47:49

Speaker 2: included with. This was a very cute little picture of the Thank you with this signature and it's just it's it's really, really lovely.

00:47:56

Speaker 1: Thank you so much for this salute, julie and thank you lisa for being you.

00:48:02

Speaker 1: Oh,

00:48:07

Speaker 2: and of course, thank you for listening

00:48:10

Speaker 1: and thank you to everyone who sent us something and everyone who supports us on Patreon. Please

00:48:14

Speaker 2: connect with us and share this show with your friends, family, and co workers and on social media if you like to,

00:48:21

Speaker 1: you can send us your next question feedback or salute by email to awesome etiquette at Emily Post dot com. You can leave us a message or text at 802858 kind. That's 8028585463 On twitter we are at Emily Post inst on instagram, we are at Emily Post Institute and on facebook were awesome etiquette and the Emily Post Institute,

00:48:43

Speaker 2: please consider becoming a sustaining member by visiting us at patreon dot com slash awesome etiquette. You can also subscribe to the ads version of our show on Spotify or your favorite podcast app and please consider leaving us a review.

00:48:58

Speaker 2: It helps our show ranking, which helps more people find awesome etiquette, which is awesome.

00:49:03

Speaker 1: Our show was edited by Chris Albertine, an assistant produced by Brigitte Dowd. Thanks chris um,

00:49:08

Speaker 2: Bridget.