Episode 377 - Plus None
In this episode of Awesome Etiquette
Welcome to Awesome Etiquette, where we explore modern etiquette through the lens of consideration, respect and honesty. On today’s show we take your questions on a married wedding guest not getting a plus one on the invite, being addressed with titles like Mr. and Mrs., receiving gifts that don‘t match your style, and sending thank you notes when you’ve already thanked someone in person. For Awesome Etiquette Sustaining members our question is about not sitting with your partner at a dinner party. Plus your most excellent feedback, etiquette salute and a postscript on holiday gift giving.
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Speaker 1: maybe it's just that you don't know how to use social, could you see that's old
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Speaker 2: fashioned.
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Speaker 1: Watch how is he post and then post center act as host and hostess. They know that courtesy means showing respect, thinking of the other person, real friendliness. Hello
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Speaker 1: and welcome to awesome etiquette
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Speaker 2: where we explore modern etiquette through the lens of consideration, respect and honesty.
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Speaker 1: On today's show we take your questions on a married wedding guest, not getting a plus one on the invite, being addressed with titles like Mr and mrs receiving gifts that don't match your style and sending thank you notes when you've already thanked someone in person for
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Speaker 2: awesome etiquette sustaining members. Your question of the week is about not sitting with your partner at a dinner
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Speaker 1: party plus your most excellent feedback etiquette salute and a postscript on holiday, gift giving
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Speaker 1: all
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Speaker 2: that's coming up,
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Speaker 1: awesome etiquette comes to you from the studios of our home offices in Vermont and is proud to be produced by the Emily Post Institute. I'm dan post Senning
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Speaker 2: and I'm lizzie post
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Speaker 1: and I remember to say it after I did the interest
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Speaker 2: you did. That was like the first time we didn't have a redo on that. You're right, you're right. You know, we try to be a little different every now and again audience, we try, we try
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Speaker 1: must be feeling good on this short week, getting ready for the holiday.
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Speaker 2: I know in part I wish we could record after thanksgiving because then we could tell everyone about our meal and it would still kind of fit within the timing. Like everyone comes back on monday, we all kind of gather here at the pod, that sort of thing, but
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Speaker 2: it's not happening that way and we're kind of the ones making it not happen that way. I am very ready for the thanksgiving break because I know that you are too and I am guessing that by the time the show's show airs
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Speaker 2: that we will both be very full bellied and, and grateful for our families and our long weekends and all of that. But right now we're on the edge, we're almost almost at the break because almost at vacation,
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Speaker 1: I know, I don't want to put too much pressure on the thought, but I'm looking forward to relaxing.
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Speaker 2: Yes, so much, so much so
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Speaker 2: dan, I got a question for you
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Speaker 1: go for lizzie post
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Speaker 2: and that's how are you all doing thanksgiving because typically when I think about you and like we kind of go our separate ways for this holiday christmas is the one that we often join up for what, like I think of you as often having
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Speaker 2: a lot of engagements, There's like the party with the fam there's a party that also takes on a mediterranean feel right, isn't there one that has some like, like not a totally different theme for the, for the meal, but there's that party, I am assuming you guys might even go see pooja's family,
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Speaker 2: how are you handling all? I think of it as like big party weekend for you. What's, what's the scope this weekend? Both now that people are vaccinated but you know it's sort of
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Speaker 2: hi serge rights here in the Northeast. What's the plan this year
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Speaker 1: the plan has been finally solidified and
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Speaker 2: good thing. It's
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Speaker 1: a version of what you're describing, you sort of combined christmas and thanksgiving where
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Speaker 1: poochy and I and our family definitely have rounds to make
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Speaker 1: the thanksgiving version of that does include a oftentimes, a lunch that comes from a particular Lebanese deli in boston that uncles and aunts bring up with them when they come up for the thanksgiving holiday.
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Speaker 2: Lebanese, that was it. Okay, got it.
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Speaker 1: And
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Speaker 1: that won't unfortunately be happening this year. The big sending family gatherings been broken up into little sort of nuclear clusters, sibling and parent groups are getting together independently and then we'll do a big zoom call where we'll get the larger 40 50 person group together virtually.
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Speaker 1: But that also means less traveling around Putin. I will be hosting our little cluster group here. So I think on thanksgiving day
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Speaker 1: we will be hosting but we won't actually get to go visiting but we will then the next day go see pooja's parents.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, before we get to the food, his parents. So you're going to be hosting at your house? Tell me something cousin who loves the vacuum cleaner. How many times will you be vacuuming the house before all your guests come over.
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Speaker 1: Oh you and your pre party checklist would be so happy
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Speaker 2: with
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Speaker 1: because I spent the weekend I went top to bottom, I did the baseboards, I had the wand out. The big clean is done. There will be a little touch up
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Speaker 1: later this
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Speaker 2: week. Wonderfully rambunctious little girls and a wife who is a wizard in the kitchen. I'm imagining like, are you going to have to do like another round of touch up before everybody comes? Are you like that amazing person who's really good at once? You've cleaned it big time.
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Speaker 2: You can then keep it that way for like days.
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Speaker 1: Oh, I've got a couple of days in me, I can do
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Speaker 2: it
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Speaker 1: and it's so much easier when you know the under layer is taken care of. I mean I can throw toys back in bins and I can wipe down surfaces as long as the deep cleans done. I'm feeling pretty good. I'm feeling
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Speaker 2: pretty. Also unlike me, your dog doesn't shed and I have a dog and a cat who both shed like crazy. And so there's, there's definitely a lot going on in terms of like if I vacuum
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Speaker 2: on a Tuesday for a thursday party Wednesday night, you better believe I'm gonna be doing another little vacuum or or thursday morning before the party starts or
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Speaker 1: something. Like I'm golf clapping over here, you can't hear it because I'm being quiet near them but I appreciate hearing this. What about yourself? What's the, what's the big day looking like?
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Speaker 2: It's very traditional. Peter Tricia post family thanksgiving.
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Speaker 2: It will be spent with my sister and her husband and their two kids out at my parents house. We will be doing that very classic table setting that you see in our table setting video and it will kind of have all those fields of my very traditional, very standard thanksgiving day,
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Speaker 2: but it'll be just us immediate family. Oftentimes my aunt who lives down in Lynn massachusetts would come up with her boyfriend.
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Speaker 2: Sometimes we might get like some friends who are, you know in town and don't have a place to go, I kind of get a little sad that it's not a bigger celebration.
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Speaker 2: Don't get me wrong, I love my immediate family and and all of the joy that they bring. But I also, they're kind of the only people I've celebrated anything within the past two years. And I got to say I really miss having the mix of other people and I missed the dishes that they bring. We call him my uncle Jack, even though they're not married, but he always requests a chocolate cream pie and that's like one of my favorite pies. So when chocolate cream pie started showing up at thanksgiving for Jack, I was like bowled over
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Speaker 2: and I guarantee that we're not going to do one just because of me. And so I miss kind of having some of those other people in the dishes they bring in the conversation that they bring and just getting to see them, I really miss that part of it. But um but we will be doing um not a turkey, just a turkey breast and we, which
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Speaker 2: I will say of all the things that if I was going to eat off the turkey I would want, it would be that drumstick, so I might have to convince my mom to pick one special
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Speaker 1: request of the host,
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Speaker 2: you got it. And this was one of those supply chains things apparently are local butchers have been having a really hard time getting pork belly, which we do the last year we did for the first year of porchetta
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Speaker 2: which is some kind of pork cut wrapped in in pork belly and seasoned with all kinds of herbs and
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Speaker 1: totally
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Speaker 2: comes from my parents and my family's love of Italy and time spent there and um just how good that tastes and how good it would taste with the rest of the meals, so we will be doing another one of those, but because you can't get pork belly, it'll be all wrapped in bacon, which
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Speaker 2: you know things could be
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Speaker 1: harder to do what you gotta do, you gotta
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Speaker 2: do what you gotta do and this is one of those meals where I go flexitarian for it and I'm really happy to eat meat and participate but but that's kind of what our thanksgiving is looking like. My guess is that,
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Speaker 2: you know, but by the evening it will be left, you know, leftovers or 2nd 2nd helpings I guess. Um but yeah, it'll be, it'll be kind of quiet and simple but I've I've got a lot of friends who have talked about things like they agreed among all their family to take antigen chests and things like that And
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Speaker 2: you know, it's been interesting kind of hearing how people are preparing for the gathering, whether that's like you doing some zooms where you would normally do a full get together the family from boston not coming up in both our cases.
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Speaker 2: But it's it's definitely like another, definitely tweaked here of thanksgiving.
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Speaker 1: Yeah. Part of our pre party checklist was also get your covid test in time to get your results in time to
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Speaker 1: confirm with hosts and guests as to what your status is.
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Speaker 2: Absolutely. That host guests dance ever present.
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Speaker 1: Well, I hope that everybody listening had a phenomenal thanksgiving and that you are fueling as well, fed and rested and relaxed and as ready for the next phase of the holiday season as we are hoping that we're going to be feeling right now.
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Speaker 1: Speaking of right now lizzie post we have some questions to get to,
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Speaker 2: let's do it,
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Speaker 1: awesome
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Speaker 2: etiquette is here to answer your questions. You can email them to awesome etiquette Emily post dot com leave a voicemail or text message at 802858 K. I. N. D. That's 8028585463.
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Speaker 2: Or you can find us on social media on twitter. We're at Emily post inst on instagram. We are at Emily Post institute and on facebook were awesome etiquette.
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Speaker 2: Just use the hashtag awesome etiquette with your social media post so that we know you want your question on the show.
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Speaker 1: Our first question this week is about a plus one problem. Hello awesome etiquette team. Thank you so much for all your wonderful advice. I am a longtime listener and love seeing new episodes pop up in my Patreon page.
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Speaker 1: Now to my question
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Speaker 1: two months ago my fiance and I sent out save the dates to our wedding which will be in May next year. Congratulations. A few days ago he received an invitation for his cousin's destination wedding in europe which will be held a few weeks after our wedding.
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Speaker 1: The invitation was addressed only to him and when he went to R. S. V. P. On their wedding website he was not allowed to add a plus one to his response for the rehearsal dinner or reception
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Speaker 1: but he was able to add a guest me to the day after breakfast event.
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Speaker 1: I was surprised and a bit hurt to be left off both the invite and the wedding website R. S. V. P. Page especially since his cousin confirmed receiving our save the date and saw my name and face on that.
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Speaker 1: I also can't help but think it might be a simple mistake to leave off someone soon to be spouse from either the paper invite or the website
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Speaker 1: but not both. So to me it seems like I was intentionally not invited perhaps to keep their guest list small.
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Speaker 1: What do you think we should do
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Speaker 1: a couple days ago, my fiance requested in writing via the wedding websites? R. S. V. P. Page if he could add his soon to be wife me to his party but he hasn't heard back yet.
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Speaker 1: I feel so embarrassed to ask again to join an event to which I was not invited yet. My fiancee's mother has insisted on me attending regardless of whether I was invited or not.
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Speaker 1: I feel like I am in a bind
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Speaker 1: to make my future mother in law happy we have to squeeze and invite out of my fiancee's cousin. But every etiquette alarm bell in my body is going off about potentially doing this.
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Speaker 1: I would appreciate any advice you have on how to navigate this tricky terrain with my future in laws.
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Speaker 1: Thank you so much anonymous
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Speaker 2: anonymous. This is a tough spot to be in and I want to really validate how awkward this can feel and at the same time hopefully ease that awkwardness by just giving you our perspective on what we see here and it's a really hard
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Speaker 2: situation that you're in because you know, we don't know the players exactly.
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Speaker 2: We don't know if if your future mother in law is like totally reasonable and and and polite and charming and wonderful. And this is just a thing she can ease within the family or if she's pushing hard because I don't know, she has a sibling rivalry going on or something like
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Speaker 2: there's so many family dynamics that could make for a lot of assumptions to be made and things like that. And
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Speaker 2: I want to really just look at what you've given us to work with and and give you our perspective based on that and dan. The first thing that I'd like to try to reassure anonymous about is that any time you are working with something that is tech based and so we're talking about a website
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Speaker 2: and a form that you're filling out. Um it's connected to a guest list that was likely imported from some kind of excel or google sheets document.
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Speaker 2: There are just so many chances for a glitch to cause the type of error or the type of experience that you are having
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Speaker 2: and I wouldn't look at your,
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Speaker 2: it's funny when you get the invitation that's just to your fiancee, I can actually see the hope in you go to the website to R. S. V. P. And there's your name right along his and you're all set and you're like, oh no, they intended it the calligrapher just left it off for the printer just left it off somehow.
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Speaker 1: Or maybe the invitations were
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Speaker 1: were generated before the invitation to the wedding. That solidified
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Speaker 1: the awareness that you would be a spouse to be included. Those time windows could just not have lined up.
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Speaker 2: Right. There are a bunch of things that could have happened that mean you are being presented with a situation where it looks like you've been left out. And really that could be very unintentional. It could be an absolute mistake.
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Speaker 2: And I think for at least the 13 years that I spent in therapy would teach me that when you don't know the truth to something yet
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Speaker 2: it is very easy to paint the negative picture. And that really reminding yourself that you just don't know is a is a healthy and helpful thing to try to do. And it's hard because you're left waiting and anytime we're left waiting, trying to figure something out,
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Speaker 2: it's like our brain automatically tries to figure it out and we're just we are prone to figuring out the negative side of it. And I think that it's a really common thing, but it is something that you kind of have to fight your own brain on
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Speaker 2: and the places where I would start to lean into dan and correct me if I'm wrong. But I think
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Speaker 2: leaning into the fact that your future mother in law is very adamant that this is a mistake that you should go, I think is a to me unless there is some dynamic in that family that makes you hesitant about it. It would suggest that this was just a simple error of the logistics of planning a wedding. And it does happen. Names get left off spreadsheets. They think, oh,
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Speaker 2: you know, because of course we're gonna invite cousin Jack, like and and his fiancee and then someone, once they got that save the date card that has your face and name on it never went and put your name into the sheet. I mean, it can be so simple like that. I'm not saying it's good, but it can be simple. But I think that I would really lean into my mother in law trying to sort this out. It's her family
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Speaker 2: and you are close enough in this family and going to be a member of this larger family. That I think it's it's worth it to have her kind of do the digging pound the pavement, I guess to try to find out what's going on here. I wouldn't worry about trying to get a repeat of the physical invitation.
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Speaker 2: Um and have it all properly done. I I would just accept any confirmation that the host that the couple are absolutely you know, wanting you to come and be a part of this and and and the events associated with it, that would be my okay. I can go
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Speaker 2: if I was only hearing it from my mother in law, I am and if I never was able to get the confirmation from the couple themselves,
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Speaker 2: I think I would have a little bit of a harder time going. I don't know exactly how I would handle that part of it, but my guess is that you are likely to have your mother in law sort this out and that you you could feel comfortable going to this event um knowing that that it was just an error of again, like we said, all these tiny details that have to come together to make a wedding happen.
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Speaker 1: You know, lizzie, I'm feeling very similarly about the whole situation. I was thinking about it from a, what are the etiquette baselines perspective
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Speaker 1: and for us, a very clear etiquette baseline is that spouses long term partners in this case, a fiance that will be married to the person who's being invited before the event happens
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Speaker 2: um
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Speaker 1: are are give me as far as a host is concerned that you you can't separate spouses or really long term established
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Speaker 1: partners in that way. It's not a fair thing to do as a host. So
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Speaker 1: from a baseline perspective, assuming the best intent of other people, I think it's really reasonable to assume that there was some kind of mistake or error,
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Speaker 1: whatever the cause and that once it gets sorted out, you will be included in that invitation and to proceed to make plans if booking a flight to europe as part of that process. I think that your
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Speaker 2: destination wedding
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Speaker 1: right? And I don't want to say go ahead book that flight, you're fine. But in general I would be thinking about that as being the course of action that I was likely to follow if the offense isn't so great that your husband would be considering not going. And that's certainly another option. And just absolutely establishing our our baselines. If you're not included. If that was the intent,
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Speaker 1: it becomes a very reasonable thing for your future husband. Now fiance to say I I thank you so much for the invitation. I really wish you the best special day but I won't be able to attend.
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Speaker 1: And that is not a I don't think it likely
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Speaker 1: outcome here, but it's certainly a course of action and it tells you where your control really lies in the situation. Which is for me always a really comforting thing to know
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Speaker 1: Lizzy. I like that you leaned into using the mother as the mother in law as a potential channel
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Speaker 2: because I do between
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Speaker 1: I do think those family back channels or what you're looking to work here and if like you say if she's really involved in the wedding and the planning an affirmation from her might be enough. I had also been wondering about the nature of that. Um I filled out an online form on the website. I sent my request in writing.
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Speaker 1: Yeah.
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Speaker 1: Whether it's a glitch or it comes across as a comment on an R. S. V. P. That may or may not get read
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Speaker 2: or they might not know that they can receive messages like that. I mean I know people who've used wedding websites and stuff and R. S. V. P. Services and they're not fully aware of all the functions that make sure I miss places to collect. Yeah exactly exactly.
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Speaker 1: And there's both the nature of the communication and the timing that it hasn't been that long. It's been a few days maybe at this point it's been a week or two. But I think that establishing some kind of more direct more human communication where you can get confirmation about the reply
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Speaker 1: is worthwhile and whether it's the mother, I was imagining the fiance might be the channel
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Speaker 1: but I think that a phone call or um if you're close enough that you see them maybe you cross paths at church. Something like that. Maybe not. Maybe the phone call is going to be the next most immediate type of communication. But oftentimes that
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Speaker 1: in person
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Speaker 1: contact allows you to communicate subtly and communicate.
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Speaker 1: Oh this happened. We're trying to figure out what to do. We want to book flights. And
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Speaker 1: this was the place where I thought I might have some sample script advice that might be
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Speaker 2: give it a try.
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Speaker 1: Whoever is doing that communicating on your behalf. And I think that it's
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Speaker 1: I wouldn't want to do that myself as the uninvited guest. I think it's reasonable to have the person that's more connected to it. They can reference you as really being sure that you want to do the right thing. The issue can be presented as
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Speaker 1: my fiance would love to come
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Speaker 1: and she's pretty sure that it's okay, but it would make her feel so much more comfortable to know that you really this is coming from you, that there
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Speaker 1: is enough room. That was the mistake. It wasn't a mistake
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Speaker 2: or that it was a mistake
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Speaker 1: that you would want to know from the couple, that it really was a mistake and that now as they think clearly about the entirety of the situation, they would really like you to be there. And
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Speaker 1: I think that's going to be a really easy transition for them to make given that etiquette baseline that we talked about at the start
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Speaker 1: anonymous. Thank you so much for the question. We hope that everything resolves and resolves in a way that everyone can feel good about and that you end up both having a wonderful wedding yourself attending a hopefully beautiful wedding in europe
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Speaker 1: and that you have a great relationship with your in laws moving forward.
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Speaker 1: Rules in action rules that keep things going smoothly and fairly
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Speaker 1: rules that help us get where we're going to help us work together, play together and live together.
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Speaker 2: Our next question is titled Mrs mess
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Speaker 2: Dear lizzie and dan. I love awesome etiquette and listening to you to delve into the why of etiquette which is rooted in consideration of others. I've been bumping into something for years and just now realize it's an etiquette question that I'm hoping the two of you will help me with.
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Speaker 2: It's a social norm where my husband and I live for Children and young people to address adults with titles like Miss MS mrs mr and Dr and not by first names.
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Speaker 2: Our teenage Children's friends and classmates and our neighbors, Children and other young people I encounter call me mrs smith.
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Speaker 2: I like this.
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Speaker 2: In turn, my Children also use titles for adults.
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Speaker 2: Every time I meet anyone I feel compelled to introduce myself and say my name. So the other person is at ease and knows what to call me. I do this socially with other adults and in business and I feel the same way when meeting Children, I want them to know who I am by my full name. So I introduce myself with my first and last name.
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Speaker 2: Is it bad manners somehow. Elevating my own status. If I give myself the title Mrs I say I'm Jessica smith
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Speaker 2: and hope the young person knows to call me mrs smith and not Jessica.
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Speaker 2: We just got back from a family weekend at our son's school. I said hello, I'm Jessica smith all weekend and all the teenagers then called me mrs smith. I thought well of them for it and was even a little relieved that none of them said hi Jessica.
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Speaker 2: Our titles like Mrs self bestowed.
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Speaker 2: I have a strong feeling that saying I'm mrs smith is wrong. I also have a strong feeling that Children should bestow titles to adults as a default and only use an adult's first name. If invited to buy that adult
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Speaker 2: saying something like I'm Jessica, please call me mrs smith while crystal clear, sound self important
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Speaker 2: has the ring of a petty bureaucrat.
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Speaker 2: I have this issue in signing emails to I email with a high school student who is volunteering her time to help with a non profit with which I'm involved.
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Speaker 2: She is very respectful and always calls me mrs smith in her email greetings which I appreciate very much. How do I sign my emails to her? I want her to keep calling me mrs smith.
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Speaker 2: Is it then correct to sign my emails, Mrs smith.
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Speaker 2: Thank you for considering this. I'm excited to hear back from you because I'm ready to put your advice into action. The issue comes up all the time, sincerely
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Speaker 2: lizzie and dan, please call me jess. Thank thank you jess
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Speaker 1: jess. Thank you so much for this question. Having just read it. I'm still tempted to call you mrs
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Speaker 2: smith. Right,
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Speaker 1: But you also did the thing that I appreciate so much which is you gave lizzie and I some clear direction
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Speaker 1: about what you would like to be called. And I really think that's got to be the crux of our answer here. That's got to be the etiquette point that we return to.
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Speaker 1: One thing that came through to me very clearly
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Speaker 1: as I was reading your question was how much this means to you? How much it it builds a structure in your life that you really appreciate and that I don't think that's just you. I think there are people that appreciate
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Speaker 1: the use of titles and honorifics for all kinds of reasons. Both the way it makes the person receiving them feel the way it can
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Speaker 1: provide some really clear direction for someone who's trying to figure out what to call someone.
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Speaker 1: Mhm.
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Speaker 1: There's a real comfort I find in both sides of that equation and feeling secure and that you're getting it right. And I think that's what you want to help people with because this does matter to you.
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Speaker 1: There is absolutely nothing wrong with telling people that you like to be called Mrs smith. And you ask the very specific question,
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Speaker 1: how are these titles bestowed on someone? How do you earn them? And and no one gives them to you, They're really connected to your identity and how you understand yourself as a woman, as a married woman.
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Speaker 1: Those are the criteria that establish you as a Mrs and
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Speaker 1: as such, you don't need to worry about
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Speaker 1: presenting yourself in a way that is inauthentic or is assuming some sort of responsibility that you don't have. You can really think about it as
00:26:32
Speaker 1: this is the way I like to be addressed by this particular person. So I'm going to let them know that by introducing myself in a way that gives them the information that they need to really to do it well.
00:26:42
Speaker 2: And it's it's not untrue you are mrs smith. It's not like you're trying to claim a title of like lady smith or something like that. And I think sometimes in our culture today it is very true that titles aren't
00:26:58
Speaker 2: presented as often as they were. I think for instance, when my parents were growing up in the fifties and sixties
00:27:06
Speaker 2: and I think that a lot of people have moved into the zone of of wanting to be called Jessica by both their peers, the other adults that they know as well as the kids in their lives and that's fine for people for whom that resonates. But it doesn't mean that there aren't people who still really appreciate the missus and just as one of them.
00:27:28
Speaker 2: And so it's I think it's it's something that if this is something you appreciate if it's something that is presently done in your region and you appreciate it.
00:27:39
Speaker 2: I think that it's really something you should feel confident in requesting or using in your own self introduction. There's certainly nothing wrong with it. There's nothing
00:27:50
Speaker 2: I would think lofty about it. It is more formal though. It's not the familiar version of your name, which is your first name and that's just a, it might be even just that little bit of formality
00:28:04
Speaker 2: that feels lofty or something. And I think, I think we can we can definitely say that it really is an okay practice to do. There's nothing about it that
00:28:14
Speaker 2: it means that you are putting on airs or somehow rising above your life in some way.
00:28:20
Speaker 1: I was thinking about a particular detail around this which has to do with how often you're doing a self introduction with someone younger than you. I think that very often the case is that other people are making that introduction or preparing that introduction in some ways.
00:28:35
Speaker 2: It's like the parent, the kid's parent or a teacher or something like that.
00:28:40
Speaker 1: Exactly. I think that the
00:28:43
Speaker 1: the opportunities where we're doing self introductions with Children are relatively few and far between and it may be that it happens
00:28:52
Speaker 1: more regularly in your life than in someone else's. But I would also look to the parents or the grownups around me as people that I would want to have a discussion with about this in exactly the way you've had this discussion with us
00:29:05
Speaker 1: so that you can really remove any ambiguity that might exist and you can set them up to set their Children or their students up really well when they interact with you, it might be the person that manages the internship program that connected you with the student that you do the nonprofit work with that? You're someone who really appreciates the use of titles particularly with people that are younger than you.
00:29:28
Speaker 1: And then that can become a really clear expectation for the people that are involved with that program. And it can be part of their learning process and their experience communicating in that semi professional environment or that pre professional environment
00:29:42
Speaker 2: because I think you're right about talking to other adults. I also think that you would want to make sure your kids know that when they're introducing you to their friends that they say this is my mom, Mrs smith, you know,
00:29:53
Speaker 2: and because this brings me to question a little bit of the crystal clear sample script that jess gave to us, which is I'm Jessica smith. Please call me mrs smith.
00:30:03
Speaker 2: And I'm thinking and I kind of want your your business brain angle on this that that sends a confusing mixed message, even though I know we just called it crystal clear and there's the actual line, please call me mrs smith. But it almost seems like maybe that sense of self importance or petty bureaucrat, business. The pretty bureaucrat iness
00:30:24
Speaker 2: that jess is talking about is coming from the idea that you've introduced that familiar name and then you're telling someone, don't don't call me that call me this, you know, or you're implying don't call me that call me this? Um is there? Yeah. Would you modify that, that self introduction when you do have to do it?
00:30:42
Speaker 1: I might I think that I might just go with the please call me mrs smith.
00:30:46
Speaker 2: Hi, I'm mrs
00:30:47
Speaker 1: smith or hi, I'm mrs smith or so good to meet you. So and so I'm mrs smith.
00:30:53
Speaker 2: Yes. Yeah.
00:30:54
Speaker 1: To me that's the simpler route. And it's probably the route that I would choose to go if this really was important to me. And I wanted to be sure that I started off on the right foot with people
00:31:05
Speaker 1: addressing me the way I was sure that I wanted to be addressed.
00:31:09
Speaker 1: If I had a little more latitude in my mind, if I said to myself, I really appreciate this, I care about it, I like it.
00:31:16
Speaker 1: But it's not something that I feel
00:31:18
Speaker 1: like I need to have everyone do or I want to introduce people to do
00:31:23
Speaker 1: in some ways. That's that approach to me, keeps the experience itself special and and not that it isn't special when it's done universally, but that when
00:31:33
Speaker 1: when a young person chooses to do that, I think that
00:31:37
Speaker 1: there is something about it that says I'm making this choice and
00:31:42
Speaker 1: to leave room for that choice if you want to offer your full name to someone. I think that that is that is also a very reasonable thing to do by today's etiquette standards,
00:31:54
Speaker 1: but I also think that if you choose to go that route then I would leave aside any judgment. If someone did start to call me by my first name, that I would say if someone goes that route,
00:32:05
Speaker 1: I'm going to say that's not my preference, but this is a choice that I've left in their hands and that's that's the direction they've gone with it.
00:32:13
Speaker 2: I think that's a really important point to bring up that if you do just introduce yourself as Jessica smith, you're leaving yourself open to get that first name association or that that that that young person coming back using your first name and that to then say,
00:32:29
Speaker 2: you know, oh I noticed how pleased I was that no one did it to me that's the really good indicator that you should probably just be giving people the mrs smith, because if someone did come back and you look unfavorably on on them for something or not even like unfavorably, but just it's
00:32:47
Speaker 2: it's noticeable that they didn't use the misses, that they didn't make that choice. I think you're kind of setting someone up for potential failure there.
00:32:54
Speaker 2: It's almost like providing a test and that's not a very considerate thing. And I don't think that jess is walking around testing people with this. Um but I think that if the dynamic that starts to come to mind is
00:33:08
Speaker 2: I noticed that I really appreciated that every kid I met called me MRS It would make me think I should just present myself as the missus because it is what I appreciate and I would notice it and maybe even
00:33:21
Speaker 2: not think as well of it. If a kid called me Jessica then just don't give them that that suggestion to do so jess. Thank you so much for this question. We really appreciate the chance to talk about the importance of and the value in these social titles.
00:33:38
Speaker 2: And it's a really great reminder that there are still people out there and you are not one of few who really appreciate their use. And I think this is a great sort of formality check reminder to a lot of us. And we really appreciate getting the question. We hope that our answer helps as you are introducing yourself to others.
00:33:59
Speaker 1: Yes, your manners are showing all day long.
00:34:03
Speaker 1: There
00:34:04
Speaker 2: is a pleasant,
00:34:05
Speaker 1: well mannered group of young people. Not like some.
00:34:09
Speaker 1: Yeah,
00:34:12
Speaker 1: our next question is about collectible chaos. Hello lizzie and dan. I'd describe my decor style as minimalist. I've never been one for trinkets or little decor pieces. Especially because in my mind, I feel all they really do is collect dust.
00:34:28
Speaker 1: I prefer bigger or bolder, modern wall decor or wall art Instead,
00:34:33
Speaker 1: I like clean and empty surfaces that being said about two years ago when we found out we were pregnant with our first child, my mother in law who is a huge trinket person sweetly gifted us one of those willow tree figurines of a man and a woman holding their baby.
00:34:49
Speaker 1: I thought it was a thoughtful gesture and displayed it on our bookshelf where it still currently lives.
00:34:54
Speaker 1: Since then, we've been given 13 more figurines by her
00:34:58
Speaker 1: some for Mother's Day, birthdays, holidays or just because and it's driving me a bit crazy.
00:35:04
Speaker 1: I've had to purchase a small shelf just to hold them all and they don't really match our style. Anyways,
00:35:10
Speaker 1: the first one was incredibly sweet to me because it symbolized the start of a new journey in our life, but the rest of them just aren't necessary.
00:35:18
Speaker 1: I also feel like when I receive a gift like this, I must display them. My husband feels the same way
00:35:24
Speaker 1: in our marriage. We typically have each other deal with our own families, but I think this is something I need to confront my mother in law about. Since 99% of the figurines are gifted to me.
00:35:35
Speaker 1: I absolutely hate sounding ungrateful because I know these gifts are coming from a good place and the intention behind them is genuine and I definitely don't want to hurt my mother in law's feelings or seem like a brat about it
00:35:47
Speaker 1: even though they will most likely be hurt a little bit.
00:35:50
Speaker 1: Do you have any advice or sample scripts? Thank you sincerely collectible chaos.
00:35:57
Speaker 2: Oh boy collectible chaos. You are like one of many this, we hear about this, this sort of situation a lot and especially when we start to come up on the holidays, that issue of you've received a gift you're not really excited about. And it's from someone close enough to you who would notice if like it wasn't around just disappeared right after it had been given.
00:36:21
Speaker 2: Um, and I think that that can be a difficult spot to be in because there's a couple of things I picked up from this question that I think are collectible chaos could lean into and one is that often the spouse deals with their own family.
00:36:37
Speaker 2: And I'm thinking that when the next gift giving opportunity comes up, that may be the spouse could reach out ahead of time with some suggestions and say something like, hey, I'm just, I'm trying to be on it with uh, you know, Ellen's birthday this year. And so I've got some great suggestions if you'd like to take a look and
00:36:56
Speaker 2: that's an offer, it's not a direction. It's just like I've, I've got some ideas if you want to see the kinds of things. You know, she's been interested in her into lately and I think that that would be perfectly okay. Kind of, we talked in another question about family back channels, you know, to kind of work
00:37:15
Speaker 2: and I definitely receive gift lists from my sister for my brother in law, I receive suggestions from my brother in law about my sister.
00:37:23
Speaker 2: So not uncommon for couples who live together to operate this way among their families.
00:37:30
Speaker 2: The other thing that I think collectible chaos could lean into is frankly, this might be a bold suggestion. Like once again, I feel the need to say walk me back if I'm going too far, but keep the one willow tree display, figuring that you like up the one that means something to you and put the rest away. They don't have to be displayed. Um, you know, or it might be that right after Mother's Day.
00:37:57
Speaker 2: You, you put the Mother's Day one up, but you then take it down like a week later because you know, holiday is over. But I don't think this needs to be something that turns into its own special clutter zone in your home that feels really out of sync with the rest of your home.
00:38:13
Speaker 2: And I think you can lean into your minimalist style that if someone asked like, oh, what happened to all the other figurines you say? You know, I'm a real minimalist and I just, I started seeing the whole collection grow and I really wanted to simplify and so we've, we've kept out the one that you know, just means the world to us or something like that.
00:38:33
Speaker 2: And I think a little bit hints that the others aren't quite as appreciated. I get that.
00:38:39
Speaker 2: But I feel like it could be the minimalist thing, The minimalist aesthetic is how I explain my sister getting rid of the gifts that I buyer like every five years, she's a clean out person. She's someone who does that.
00:38:51
Speaker 2: Sometimes I end up with them. Like, you know, not because they're re gifted, but she goes like, you know, hey, I'm about to bring some stuff to the goodwill or sell it on, you know, posh mark or something. Do not come look first. And I'm like,
00:39:02
Speaker 2: hey, that's the necklace I got you. And she's like, yeah, and I just don't wear it anymore. And there is that moment of hurt and then there's also that moment of reality check lizzie. You don't wear everything you bought five years ago. You know, like I know exactly because Exactly. So in some ways collectible chaos, they say lean into the reality of life. You know, not everything is a perfect match and things do kind of move on at times and
00:39:27
Speaker 2: um, whether your aesthetic is staying the minimalist or change whatever it is, I think it's okay to kind of lean into a bit of that over time.
00:39:35
Speaker 1: I had very similar thoughts on this question. I was thinking that your etiquette responsibilities when you receive a gift, pretty much end with the genuine thanks for the appreciation for that. Even if not for the gift itself, for the effort for the thought and for the effort to honor the relationship, even if like the effort on the gift itself wasn't that that much
00:39:56
Speaker 1: that you pass through that moment with grace and with care for everyone and that after that part of a gift giving etiquette is that you're not that attached on what people do with it, that it's given freely. And as you say, you're not obligated to
00:40:13
Speaker 1: where that sweater or display the figurines. It can be thoughtful to do it if if you if it's not a big cost or if you like it or you do like the sweater, you do like that first figurine. I loved your sample script language lizzie post about how wonderful and meaningful it was for
00:40:33
Speaker 2: your It
00:40:35
Speaker 1: is and and that's a great place to keep the focus and the attention
00:40:39
Speaker 1: and that can help get over the, maybe the little heard of, Oh no, clearly they don't like displaying all of them. They don't,
00:40:46
Speaker 1: I enjoy the collecting aspect of the, displaying the set aspect that maybe your mother in law does.
00:40:52
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm such a nerd. I start to say to myself, you know, it's nice to just have collectibles. You can get yourself as a storage box and you know, say I've got a growing collection of X, Y or Z. I just don't display them all the time. And that could be another sample script direction that you might take. And I thought like you lizzie about maybe rotating one or two
00:41:14
Speaker 1: that were seasonal or appropriate with the one that you really like,
00:41:18
Speaker 1: but but you don't have to and put me squarely in that camp of I love clean surfaces and less dusting
00:41:27
Speaker 2: also. I was honestly, I was inspired when I read the question, I was like, you know,
00:41:33
Speaker 2: I've got some paring down like there's some Emily post books that could definitely go into a closet or a box instead of being on a shelf. You know, there's, there's, there's a lot of little things that end up in my house that I think I would do well for a little bit of that minimalist paring down lifestyle.
00:41:51
Speaker 1: But lizzie post, I'll tell you I took a crack at some sample scripts, the things that I would say to my mother in law and they didn't,
00:41:59
Speaker 1: any one of them passed the lizzie test of, I could say this out loud, quietly imaginary. Put it on the podcast. Exactly.
00:42:08
Speaker 2: Just so you know, guys, I do not sit around pooh poohing dance dance sample scripts, but there is a certain tone that you hit
00:42:18
Speaker 2: and when you hit it you're like, oh, that doesn't sound good. No.
00:42:22
Speaker 1: And it is, it's, it's me imagining you kind of looking at me with a questioning look saying, would you really say that like, that doesn't sound like you, That doesn't sound nice. And I had a hard time
00:42:36
Speaker 1: figuring out how to tell someone to please stop giving me a particular thing.
00:42:40
Speaker 2: I had no problem with the husband telling the mother that maybe a different type of gift would be good, but the direct ask from you not didn't feel as good. Right.
00:42:49
Speaker 1: And my direct ask through my husband wasn't even that direct and ask. It
00:42:53
Speaker 2: was soft suggestion.
00:42:56
Speaker 1: It was about to suggest suggestions, things that
00:42:59
Speaker 1: you'd really like or she'd really like. And
00:43:02
Speaker 1: returning to our idea of baseline etiquette,
00:43:05
Speaker 1: The real etiquette of the situations that it's hard to give someone a lot of specific direction around gift giving. And it's particularly hard to tell someone no, that one didn't land well enough that in the future I wouldn't do it again.
00:43:18
Speaker 2: And yet. Exactly. Very hard to say that. Well, unless
00:43:23
Speaker 1: there are some
00:43:24
Speaker 1: other set of factors at play where it's for some reason, important that you talk to someone about not doing it again. If the
00:43:32
Speaker 2: gift was offensive, for instance,
00:43:34
Speaker 1: it was offensive or if it was going to cause someone really undue effort or expense to continue to do it in a way that was disproportionate to the joy they had giving it to you.
00:43:47
Speaker 1: I don't think there's anything harmful about leaving the impression that you're appreciative receiving a gift, even if the gift itself isn't exactly what you would pick for yourself out. Collectible chaos. We hope that your gift giving experiences are a little less chaotic moving forward.
00:44:04
Speaker 1: You certainly don't sound ungrateful to us and we certainly appreciate the care that you're taking with your relationships. And look, this dispute was settled fairly. And so jerry and Eddie are still good friends just as they always were. It's worthwhile to know many ways to settle dispute.
00:44:25
Speaker 2: Our next question is about in person. Thank you.
00:44:29
Speaker 2: Hi lizzie and dan, thank you so much for all of the wonderful advice over the last few years have been a huge fan of your podcast and the books I finally have a quick question to submit
00:44:41
Speaker 2: first. I'm a big fan of thank you notes, but do you send them to the giver if you were able to thank them in person
00:44:49
Speaker 2: in this instance, my fiance and I received a gift basket from my soon to be in laws when they came to see our new home.
00:44:57
Speaker 2: Thank you and hope to hear back K.
00:44:59
Speaker 1: K. I still want to throw this question to lizzie post because this used to be her favorite question to
00:45:05
Speaker 2: answer
00:45:06
Speaker 1: lizzie post. Do you want to offer some absolution out there before we say that it would be a good idea to send the note anyway, even though you don't
00:45:13
Speaker 2: have to totally
00:45:16
Speaker 2: the absolution is that when you've given this in person, thank you and you can really be genuine and express your gratitude.
00:45:23
Speaker 2: Um show your enthusiasm when the person gets all of the messaging your facial expression, the tone in your voice, your gestures, all of that, that that in person, Thank you really is enough. It's a good thank you. It communicates what you want. It does it with the most
00:45:42
Speaker 2: amount of you possible. As soon as we start writing or texting or thank you, we lose a little bit of that even though a thank you note is still a very important thing and now I will get to the advice that dan has already already given you, which is, it's never a bad idea to send a thank you note. So if you are someone as you claim, it was a big fan of thank you notes.
00:46:03
Speaker 2: I think that it would be fine for you to send a follow up after they leave. Like boy, I just used you know, whatever it was from that gift basket and I was so grateful for it. I just had to write to you and say thank you again, it is so wonderful. Like
00:46:16
Speaker 2: there's just nothing wrong with that. There is also a subset of sort of our,
00:46:24
Speaker 2: I was about to say society and that did not feel like the right word, even though technically is who appreciate that thank you know, no matter what and they, there are some people who kind of expect it. We we put out there that you shouldn't expect it if somebody has thanked you in person.
00:46:38
Speaker 2: But it's, it's again just never hurts to send that thank you know, just in case you're dealing with somebody like that.
00:46:45
Speaker 1: Thank you, lizzie post for doing the obligatory absolution. The example that I always think of that. I love to offer people as a very personal one, which is the growing up, the stewards of the Emily post tradition for me and Lizzy were our grandparents, Bill and Libby post mud and poppy to us
00:47:03
Speaker 1: and the holiday at their house was one of my favorite things growing up. It was just something I looked forward to every year and look back on with fond memories. And when you got a gift from mud and poppy, it was often times for me that the gift I waited for, it was the one, it had significance for me. I love my grandparents and
00:47:20
Speaker 1: I never wrote thank you notes for those gifts because they were exchanged in person at the house and we made an effort to find the person in all the chaos whose gift you were opening and to connect with them and to
00:47:32
Speaker 1: to do all those things that made that in person. Thank you register that. It was about the gift. It was about a shared experience. And
00:47:41
Speaker 1: and we were so close with them, that that was enough. And it was the spirit that Emily offered the idea that you didn't always need to send a thank you note that there are some people in life who you're just close to and it's enough. The experience of being there with you is
00:47:59
Speaker 1: not just enough. It's everything that they would want.
00:48:02
Speaker 1: And that thought is what I really hold on to when I think about this advice,
00:48:09
Speaker 1: because I also oftentimes have that counter thought in my mind that's because it's not expected because it's not a half to that thank you know, can land so well. And there were two things in your very short question that put my little etiquette flags up and one was in laws and the other was new home
00:48:27
Speaker 1: and that these are, these are little details that start to rise to a level of significance and import in life that that follow up not have to. But I choose to,
00:48:39
Speaker 1: um, might be a real investment in a relationship that I don't know how new or or what a where you are with your in laws in terms of closeness or how long you've known them, how well you know them, but those are definitely relationships to take care with and
00:48:54
Speaker 1: thinking about moving into a new home is a big time in someone's life and if someone's made an effort to do something for you at that moment or that time,
00:49:02
Speaker 1: the idea that you might say I'm going to, I'm going to walk from the, I really should do this territory into the, it would be good if I did this territory
00:49:11
Speaker 1: um, are things that I think are worth thinking about.
00:49:15
Speaker 2: So what I take away from everything you just said is that you were not writing, thank you notes to mud and poppy every christmas, but I was
00:49:28
Speaker 2: and I don't know what that does. I don't know if that means you got to watch more cartoons in your childhood or play more video games are run around outside longer. But I will, I, I had to definitely write thank you notes to mud and poppy for my christmas gifts each year and I like you, I went up for the big family gathering at the house at north farm and you know, we did that and
00:49:52
Speaker 2: but we were, I think my mom used it as that opportunity, you know that well you're going to be writing it to granny, patent papa john, my other grandparents anyway, so why not? Right. You know like this is just good practice and you know, it's a chaotic day. I'm sure you thank them well, but it's nice to take the time to sit
00:50:10
Speaker 2: and express that. So
00:50:12
Speaker 2: you know, for all of my, you're absolved, you're absolved, you don't have to do it between dan and I was the one sitting at home
00:50:19
Speaker 1: writing thank you notes. I, we have to hear from a psychologist who listens to awesome Medicaid about the one that didn't write the notes, thinking that it's really important and the one that did saying no one should be forced to do
00:50:33
Speaker 2: okay, thank you so much for letting us delve. Delve a little bit into our own. Thank you note experiences, but for also being someone who is out there thinking of the best ways to show gratitude to the people in their life.
00:50:50
Speaker 1: Thank you for your questions, please send us updates or feedback on our answers to awesome etiquette at Emily Post dot com. You can leave us a voicemail or text at 802858 kind. That's 8028585463. You can also reach us on social media on twitter. We are at Emily Post Institute
00:51:09
Speaker 1: on instagram, we are at Emily Post Institute
00:51:12
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00:51:27
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00:51:39
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00:51:49
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00:51:54
Speaker 1: It's time for our feedback segment where we hear from you about the questions we answer in the topics we cover today. We have feedback from Elizabeth on episode 3 75 and email threads.
00:52:05
Speaker 2: Hi lizzie and dan, A great way to dismiss someone from an email thread is to move them to the BCC list and let them know that you've done. So that way they no longer receive the emails and you don't have to start a new thread.
00:52:17
Speaker 2: I usually say something like thanks lizzie moving you to BCC so that you don't get spammed up with this thread moving forward.
00:52:25
Speaker 2: Then when people reply moving forward that person is no longer receiving the new emails. This lets that person know that they're being removed but also gives them the opportunity to respond if they want to stay on the thread.
00:52:37
Speaker 2: Thanks for all you do. I'm getting married in two days and have put so much of your advice to use and it has made for a very smooth and pleasant wedding experience Elizabeth. Well that's nice, congratulations on the upcoming wedding.
00:52:50
Speaker 1: I hadn't seen the little coda to that feedback. Congratulations Elizabeth and we're so glad it's been helpful
00:52:57
Speaker 2: dan, can you explain something to me? Because I thought BCC was that you still received the email? Help me understand because this sounds like a really good idea but I wasn't, I felt like I wasn't hip to the business seen here.
00:53:10
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, no, this is a good move. This is an emerging business courtesy. No question and you're right, it
00:53:18
Speaker 1: moving to the BCC. It does function to remove you from the reply list after that email gets sent.
00:53:25
Speaker 1: So because you went from the general sisi to the BCC, your BCC on the first one when the next person either the individual you've been introduced to or the group that's continuing with the project. Hit reply all you're now in the BCC and the real the real courtesy to it
00:53:43
Speaker 1: is that you mention it in the body of the email
00:53:47
Speaker 1: so that someone knows it's happening and it just works beautifully and that we haven't talked, we might have talked about on the show at one point but we didn't do a deep dive on it
00:53:57
Speaker 1: because there are a lot of different versions of it that can happen. But as long as you do that there are different reasons people do it different wise and winds. In the course of an exchange you might move someone to BCC
00:54:08
Speaker 1: but it's that mentioning it in the body of the email that really ties it all together and makes it work. It's a great piece of feedback and definitely
00:54:18
Speaker 1: a move to think about and keep in your toolbox because it does what it ends up doing is reducing the amount of spam that people get. It lets you just continue that same conversation. But the people who don't need to be a part of it have the option to sort of fall out of it as you go along.
00:54:34
Speaker 2: Okay, gotcha
00:54:35
Speaker 2: Elizabeth, Thank you so much for this feedback and I think we have to thank you for inspiring a future postscript segment once we are through our holiday rush. I think this would make an excellent postscript topic so thank you so
00:54:48
Speaker 1: much for the feedback
00:54:50
Speaker 1: Elizabeth the second. Those thanks and thank you for sending us your thoughts and updates. Please do keep them coming. You can send your next piece of feedback update or question to awesome etiquette at Emily post dot com. You can also leave us a voicemail or text at 802858 kind. That's 8028585463.
00:55:14
Speaker 1: Yeah,
00:55:16
Speaker 2: it's time for our post script segment where we dive deeper into a topic of etiquette and today, while we've had some very long questions, we're going to do a very quick dive into holiday gift giving for anyone who would like to ease a little anxiety or have a little reminder of the best ways to gift this holiday season.
00:55:35
Speaker 1: I love that spirit because gift giving is such a big part of many people's traditions this time of year and we know because of the number of questions we get about it that anxiety creeps up around all different
00:55:47
Speaker 1: aspects of gift giving and the whole point of gift giving is really to share and to show someone that you love and appreciate them by giving them a little something. So keeping the spirit there is both the intent of this postscript and the first great piece of advice about gift giving which is
00:56:05
Speaker 1: really tap into that spirit of generosity. Really tap into that piece of advice that is so old, it can sound cliche but we need to keep it fresh and new for ourselves every time we hear it, which is that it really is the thought that counts. So invest a little bit of your, yourself and your attention in the things that you give people and that will come shining through and
00:56:26
Speaker 1: the whole experience should work the way that you would hope it would.
00:56:30
Speaker 2: That's right. You want to be thinking about the person receiving this gift probably more than you want to think about the person giving the gift.
00:56:39
Speaker 2: Um I know I can sometimes get really excited about coming up with the perfect gift and let me tell you all. I nailed it with my dad's gift last year. I got, I got him a drone. I found one that I could afford and I got my sister to go in on it with me.
00:56:54
Speaker 2: Um like it was that good of a gift that you didn't want to leave your sibling out
00:56:59
Speaker 2: and getting a drone which combines his love of flying. He used to be a pilot with his love of photography, which he, he got his M. F. A. And we nailed it. This was not something he wanted, not something he was thinking about. This was a surprise and we've had so much fun with the drone this past year,
00:57:17
Speaker 2: including the time that we launched it way up into a tree and it broke,
00:57:20
Speaker 2: but honestly has been a great gift. It was um, it's not going to be repeated this year as well as in terms of a level of perfect gift giving, but I'm really trying for instance to think about my dad and what he loves, Our classic example comes straight from him, which is that a golfer loves golf balls,
00:57:40
Speaker 2: but that you really do want to have the other person feel that you were thinking of them, so that that thought can be what counts,
00:57:48
Speaker 2: and that's that's really imperative to that first piece of advice. Our second piece of advice is a little bit more practical, I would say, and it's that you should really stick within your own budget. So as you're thinking about getting ready to select gifts for the year,
00:58:02
Speaker 2: you know, a lot of us do the thing where we write up the list of people that we want to be giving too, and we think about about how much we have to spend on each of them and sticking to that budget, it really is okay, it's really polite,
00:58:14
Speaker 2: it's a fine thing for you to do for for yourself and in this very social experience that we have. Um but you should never feel bad about sticking to your budget,
00:58:24
Speaker 1: particularly if sticking to your budget allows you to feel really good about the gifts that you're giving, not burdened by the
00:58:30
Speaker 2: point. Such a good
00:58:32
Speaker 1: point,
00:58:33
Speaker 1: whether it's a budgetary reason or whether it's because you just love to make things homemade gifts are absolutely appropriate, not just appropriate. Oftentimes they are the best gifts that we give and receive, it doesn't necessarily have to be connected to budget, although if part of your budgeting is thinking about things that you can do yourself, that is a really reasonable way to honor that budget.
00:58:57
Speaker 2: Those homemade gifts can also sometimes be like really favored and traditional things. I know that between my mom and one of her best friends throughout my childhood, the best friend always gave some kind of vinegar with the mother, you know in it and and that like it was something that they could reuse and you know rego and it was kind of like lee's vinegar was always a thing and going the other direction. My mom makes what's called hard sauce
00:59:21
Speaker 2: which is like delicious, I don't even know what goes into it, but it's some kind of alcohol and then like a super whipped cream to the point where it's like hardened almost and it's delicious with pies and all kinds of desserts throughout the season. But
00:59:36
Speaker 2: um I feel like homemade gifts can also be really traditionally in that like friend exchange category or that hostess gift or hosting gift excuse me category
00:59:45
Speaker 2: um which I think can be a fun fun traditional part of this season.
00:59:50
Speaker 1: On the other side of the gift coin, the gift card can also be um really appreciated. I certainly know that I don't mind walking out of the season with a stack of store credit and all of my favorite online and in person venues that I can execute on exactly in the ways that I know I'm going to enjoy the most.
01:00:08
Speaker 1: So if you're not able to invest
01:00:11
Speaker 1: of yourself and your time and your effort building or making something for someone, it is okay to give them
01:00:17
Speaker 1: a card to their favorite store or to a store that has something for everyone
01:00:21
Speaker 2: no matter the gift, whether it is homemade store bought or a gift card or a check or cash, whatever it is. One of the really special things, especially about the holiday season is sort of our presentation of these gifts
01:00:36
Speaker 2: and whether it's super fancy frilly with tons of those rapping or it's a tradition that I know a lot of people love which is using the sunday comics or just the comic section of the newspaper
01:00:50
Speaker 2: to wrap up gifts is it's perfectly fine. But it really does make a difference to put a little bit of thought and effort into the presentation of the gift gift cards. It's really wonderful to put them in an actual cards. Some I know come with little tins or things that make it easier to wrap them or have them be a bit more festive and that's a wonderful option as well.
01:01:10
Speaker 1: I love how rapid is shorthand for think about presentation because it is so much fun to think about presentation and when I say to myself, oh there's no way I can wrap that, then all of a sudden it becomes an exercise and how do I like place it and surprise the person or reveal it or
01:01:27
Speaker 1: um but it it really can make a big difference in how a gift is received.
01:01:33
Speaker 2: Finally, the last tip that we want to leave you with is that I think dan probably the part of gift giving this time of year that causes the most anxiety for people is the worry that they're not going to have a gift for someone in return, that they will have made someone's gift list that they then didn't have the person on their own gift list.
01:01:52
Speaker 2: And tis a season of gifting and the gifting experience is not meant to be one that is always I give a gift to you and you give a gift to me and we both say thank you. A gift exchange is really an exchange of a gift and a reply of a thank you. And and that is something to hold onto this holiday season.
01:02:12
Speaker 2: Uh it's so much better to just focus on the generosity that's been bestowed upon you and to focus on the gift that you've been given
01:02:20
Speaker 2: than to turn it around and sort of supersede the moment by going toward the idea that you don't have a gift in return. Or maybe even trying to create a little lie around it. Like, oh it's on the way, you know, all that slow shipping, they've been talking about,
01:02:39
Speaker 2: much better to just simply say thank you so much and if it inspires you and you have it in your budget or, or in your sort of homemade crafting
01:02:47
Speaker 2: abilities to get them something at a different time during the holiday season, you're more than welcome to do so. But you should never feel bad that you don't have a gift in return. Focus on the gift that you've been given lizzie Post. Is that the
01:03:00
Speaker 1: end of our holiday gift giving checklist for this postscript?
01:03:04
Speaker 2: It's the short of it. I mean it's it's it's clean and simple and we are hoping that it helps to alleviate anxieties and get people excited about the gifting season ahead of
01:03:14
Speaker 1: us.
01:03:15
Speaker 1: And as this show lands on the monday after thanksgiving, we wish everyone the best of luck gifting this holiday season
01:03:22
Speaker 2: because that's a really good reminder that today is cyber monday, which means it's a great time to head over to the Emily post website and check out our books and cards which make excellent
01:03:33
Speaker 1: good reminder lizzie post
01:03:35
Speaker 1: everywhere you go, Your manners are with you.
01:03:40
Speaker 1: And they leave their mind,
01:03:42
Speaker 1: they help you feel sure of yourself too and they make an impression on people on everyone you meet,
01:03:50
Speaker 1: we could listen in on jean's thought's for example. But well you take it from here,
01:04:08
Speaker 1: we like to end our show on a high note. So we turned to you to hear about the good etiquette you're seeing and experiencing out in the world and that can come in so many forms. Today we have a salute from David. Hi, awesome etiquette team. Happy holidays from texas. I'm writing to salute my coworker Jenna. I got very sick recently and many of the symptoms were covid. Like luckily it turned out not to be covid, but while I was awaiting my test results, I stayed home
01:04:35
Speaker 1: since I don't have family here, Jenna sweetly dropped off some soup at my doorstep.
01:04:40
Speaker 1: It's always nice to know there are people around who will help you out when you need it, especially when family is far away and it's the holiday season.
01:04:48
Speaker 1: Thanks for all you do, David.
01:04:51
Speaker 2: All that's a sweet salute and David, We certainly hope that you are on the mend and recovering
01:04:56
Speaker 1: well.
01:04:57
Speaker 1: And I will add my thanks to Jenna. Thank you for reminding us that there are kind people out there and that a little soup when you're sick can go a long way.
01:05:06
Speaker 2: Thank you for listening
01:05:08
Speaker 1: and thank you to everyone who sent us something and everyone who supports us on Patreon.
01:05:12
Speaker 2: Please connect with us and share this show with friends, family and co workers. However, you like to share
01:05:18
Speaker 1: podcasts, you can send us your next question feedback or salute to awesome etiquette at Emily post dot com. You can leave us a message or text at 802858 kind that's 8028585463
01:05:32
Speaker 1: on twitter. We are at Emily Post inst on instagram. We are at Emily Post Institute and on facebook were awesome etiquette and the Emily Post Institute.
01:05:41
Speaker 2: Please consider becoming a sustaining member by visiting us at patreon dot com slash awesome etiquette where memberships start at just $1 per month. You can also subscribe to the ads version of our show on Spotify or your favorite podcast app and please consider leaving us a review.
01:05:58
Speaker 2: It helps our show ranking which helps more people
01:06:01
Speaker 1: find awesome etiquette.
01:06:03
Speaker 1: Our show was edited by Kris Albertine, an assistant produced by Bridget Down.
01:06:07
Speaker 2: Thanks chris and Bridget.
01:06:11
Speaker 1: Mm hmm.
01:06:12
Speaker 1: Yeah.
01:06:13
Speaker 1: Mhm.
