Episode 38 - Can You Be Too Approachable?

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Speaker 1: if they can have a reasonable discussion with me if they can meet a reasonable person who holds a different opinion, there's a chance we might start to build a bridge.

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Speaker 2: Maybe it's just that you don't know how to use

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Speaker 1: act

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Speaker 2: as host and hostess.

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Speaker 1: They

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Speaker 2: know that courtesy

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Speaker 1: means showing respect, thinking

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Speaker 2: of the other person, real

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Speaker 1: friendliness coming up on this episode of awesome etiquette. Should wedding guests have a change of attire? Can you be too approachable? A couple of your awesome etiquette, entertaining questions

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Speaker 1: and you have to write thank you notes to funeral attendees in our post script segment. We'll talk about tolerance and tier two topics of conversation,

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Speaker 2: awesome etiquette comes to you from the studios of Vermont public radio and is proud to be part of the infinite guest network from american public media. I'm lizzie post

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Speaker 1: and I'm dan post Senning from the Emily Post Institute

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Speaker 2: the wedding.

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Speaker 1: I know I didn't sleep last night. Oh

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Speaker 2: my gosh! Is that setting in?

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Speaker 1: It is and this is my last day in town at home before heading to the wedding site. So I've got a 24 hour countdown from 8:00 this morning to be packed and ready to go for the next two weeks.

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Speaker 2: Amazing.

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Speaker 1: It is, if everything comes together by

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Speaker 1: t minus 20

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Speaker 2: two

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Speaker 1: hours from now,

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Speaker 2: I was like on the, on the, on the live chat with India. When is my, sorry going to get here? I mean I'm freaking out and it's not even my wedding good news is

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Speaker 1: all the physical pieces are in place like some of the remaining to do a couple more rehearsals of the first dance, the playlist for the reception, the slideshow.

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Speaker 1: So it's it's it's creative stuff, it's the fun stuff that um it would be good as is, but it's fun to invest yourself in it.

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Speaker 2: Well I know that you made one of our youngest family members very excited. He um little alexander post found out that he was going to be riding in the convertible in the Borat. Is that what it's called?

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Speaker 1: And we can say it because

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Speaker 1: we will be hearing this or this will be airing after the way

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Speaker 2: after the wedding. He will be riding in the Borat. Um he was really excited about it. He found out and that Pete told me that's an honor of the the youngest generation, the oldest member of the youngest living generation.

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Speaker 1: Yes, he's the oldest

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Speaker 1: male nephew.

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Speaker 1: So a position of of some honor, some distinction in that generation of the family. So he sits with the groom, but

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Speaker 2: he's not your nephew because you don't have any nephews yet.

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Speaker 2: How does though? Is it just that if there aren't any nephews, it goes to then cousins,

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Speaker 1: nephews like aunties and uncles

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Speaker 2: special

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Speaker 1: abroad in this particular case, but you know, usually if there was an actual nephew nephew

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Speaker 2: Would be the one

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Speaker 1: in our case where we've got this cousin network and that is the next generation.

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Speaker 2: Okay, so wait, what about the girls

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Speaker 1: um there's there's rolls. They're also, I'm trying to remember and because so

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Speaker 2: many details in your

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Speaker 1: head and we don't have a horse and I think there's actually a role for feeding the horse that's maybe like the sisters or I'm serious. It's

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Speaker 2: so someone could be walking next to the convertible with a tank of gas, something

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Speaker 1: something to that effect. Yes, but I'm so glad Alex is psyched because sometimes he has bouts of shyness.

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Speaker 2: No, he'll be fine. He's going to ride in a convertible with a bunch of people. He knows he'll be totally fine, but he was looking forward to it for sure.

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Speaker 1: And I'm starting to look forward to it. It's it's I'm starting to feel the excitement from some of the guests. I'm as I'm talking to people who are making their final plans, other people are sort of joining us in that preparatory phase and I can kind of feel them getting on board as I hear from more and more of those people and

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Speaker 1: um I keep coming back to your sister's advice, do what's gonna make you feel married? I'm going to feel so married four days from now.

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Speaker 2: What I love is that you came into the office a couple of weeks ago after having picked up the rings or had picked up the rings and you're like, I just want to wear it already. I just want to wear it already. It's like

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Speaker 2: you're so you are so ready to be married and I think it's gonna be really fun and next week's show we get to talk about what that was like,

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Speaker 1: I know right? It's been wedding, wedding, wedding, wedding wedding and maybe that will be a little bit exhale. I'm sure, I'm sure everyone out there is ready to talk about something else.

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Speaker 2: No, no, I can't wait to give them the full rundown, Tell them what the food was like, what the dancing was, like, what everyone's outfits were like, I think it's just gonna man, you're not gonna tell everybody everything

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Speaker 2: so you'll have to tune in next week,

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Speaker 2: but shall we get started with today's show?

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Speaker 2: You're right, there's so much to learn how to do. Sure there's a lot to learn, but it's worth it and learning is easy. One way is by watching others

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Speaker 2: on every episode of awesome etiquette, we take your questions on how to behave.

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Speaker 1: Our

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Speaker 2: First question begins, Hello, I'm trying to be respectful of my husband's wishes. It's his 50th birthday I sent out, save the dates and asked for love letters back with postage for easy return. Just a line or two or more of a birthday wish or a positive sentiment.

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Speaker 2: I'm trying to collect 50 of them and have only gotten five back. I was thinking of having a brunch for up to 40 people but feeling a little offended that I have not received as many love letters as I sent out

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Speaker 2: And I stated on the save the dates that I was collecting these now it's been two weeks. Is there anything wrong with having just family go to the brunch which is about 25 and have friends over to the house early evening for cake. Thank you.

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Speaker 2: This is

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Speaker 2: kind of a different one for a couple of reasons. Number one you don't usually send save the dates to a birthday party

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Speaker 2: Second. I'm looking at it and thinking that if she sent out 50 of them to 50 people but she's only inviting 40 people to brunch.

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Speaker 2: So you sent to save the date card to 10 people who aren't invited to the

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Speaker 1: Maybe it's accounting for 20% no shows it's

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Speaker 2: more of a wedding thing than a birthday thing. Yeah. I don't know to our our writer I would just say I think this could be a little awkward for some of the guests if they are then not receiving an invitation to a party. That being said

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Speaker 2: she sent this request for a love letter out and I think she did the right thing by sending a self addressed stamped envelope with it make it really easy on people.

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Speaker 2: I would say that it's best to call guests about the R. S. V. P. And check in on the letters.

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Speaker 1: Absolutely. If you're not hearing back about those RSVPs call and follow it up. And I also agree 1000% with the sentiment that however you're feeling about it now once you've sent save the dates

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Speaker 1: it would be very it would be strange to me to not then follow with an invitation for the party and I can appreciate feeling like maybe you want to change tack at this point but

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Speaker 1: um figuring out some plan that stays true to the save the date that's already sent I think really advisable which

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Speaker 2: it sounds like she might be doing with the friends over to the house with the cake. So.

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Speaker 1: No I I

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Speaker 2: think it could work here

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Speaker 1: and there's certainly nothing inappropriate about having a brunch for one group of people and and

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Speaker 2: big like a

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Speaker 1: perception and light fare for for a larger group of people.

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Speaker 1: I also noticed right at the beginning your answer this sort of a little confusion in your tone and I so understand it and I could understand someone receiving one of the save the dates under feeling a little confusion. Also on R. And R. S. V. P. Is something I'm used to but a request for a love letter response. I'm just because I don't have I don't have a slot to put it in. Yeah I might I might ignore it. I might not respond

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Speaker 2: or I might just not remember it because it's not what I'm used to having to respond to.

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Speaker 1: Exactly it's not it's not a quick check box. Okay I do this and then I met my social obligation here and I think the follow up call just to clarify, let people know what it is and be willing to have a pen in your hand maybe and jot down the nice thing that they say make it easy on your guests to to do the thing that you want them to do.

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Speaker 2: Yeah. And mostly we hope that however the party turns out that your husband feels really special on his 50th birthday because it sounds like you're really trying to make that happen.

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Speaker 2: Best of luck to you.

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Speaker 1: Our next question has to do with just how much to order.

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Speaker 1: Hi lizzie and Daniel. I love your podcast. I have a question about etiquette in regards to a group dinner, I am the owner of a small business and every few months I have an optional meeting slash get together for my staff. Usually we meet at a coffee shop and I purchase everyone's beverages, coffee or tea and pastries of choice.

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Speaker 1: I have invited our staff for tapas and happy hour at a beautiful and laid back location for my birthday.

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Speaker 1: I have organized our event and have told everyone this isn't a mandatory meeting and that it is just a fun get together. Is it assumed I will pay for everything since I'm the boss even though this is a fun event rather than a meeting,

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Speaker 1: My budget will allow me to spend $165 prior to gratuity and taxes on the evening, which is within reason if everyone orders one drink and one tapa.

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Speaker 1: if it is assumed I will pay for the evening. Do I tell the staff ahead of time or just give my card to the wait staff and tell them to put it all on there? Also if it is assumed I will pay for everything. Do I make room in the budget for an individual ordering more than one item? Thank you very much for your help warmly. Crystal,

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Speaker 2: mm mm mm mm mm mm mm I think that Crystals Heart's in the right place. I would what I would suggest you do Crystal though is I think that you should go into it with your budget of 165 then knowing that they'll be gratuity in taxes on top of that and I think that you should pre order all the tapas

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Speaker 2: and um I would do something like maybe wine or something that's a little easier to share. Easier to

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Speaker 2: to say this is kind of what's been purchased for the evening and then if people ask for another drink that the servers are able to say you know we've the the hostess has purchased wine for the evening. If you would like a drink from the bar please go up to the bar and start a tab for yourself.

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Speaker 2: I've had that happen at many a party that's done at a restaurant and I think it works pretty well because then you know

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Speaker 2: your host is taking care of you. But also this is happening if you want this just to be a get together where you say, hey let's all meet up just for fun drinks because we're always meeting for meetings, then it can be everyone pay their own way kind of thing and you don't have to host. But you you mentioned that this is for your birthday. What do you think?

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Speaker 1: I I think that's the a plus answer. Very little to add. I would say the same things, do the ordering ahead of time if you have a limit and you really want to set an order enough for everybody. You don't have a big enough budget, don't throw the party

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Speaker 2: and order the things that you think people would really like and kind of get the most bang for your buck on

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Speaker 1: and then set up a limited drink menu. And I think that that that makes a lot of sense and then that doesn't mean people can't order something else but that that's up to them and they'll know

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Speaker 2: dan's got a good point on the limited drink menu, you could have just a couple of cocktails that are offered or you could have like a selection of beer and wine that's offered

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Speaker 2: that way, you can control the price, but there's some variety for people if you didn't want to just do bottles of wine or a big bottle of Prosecco or something like that.

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Speaker 1: Um I hope that helps

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Speaker 2: you have a great

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Speaker 1: party, Happy birthday

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Speaker 2: dan. I'm tossing this one at you since it's a wedding question, I usually tackle them, but I figured since it's your wedding week,

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Speaker 2: Dear Lizzie and dan do guests have to change dress as the ceremony is at three p.m. In a church and the function I'm assuming she means reception only starts at 7 30.

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Speaker 2: All the guests want to know the wedding party will stay in the same attire as some of the photos are being taken before regards mother in law. Susan,

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Speaker 2: what do you think?

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Speaker 1: Well, Susan, this is an interesting question. I'm curious about the standard for retire that afternoon. Um it's it's entirely possible a change of dress would be appropriate. Uh 7 30 evening wedding. I'm guessing that maybe it's black tie, maybe it's that level of formality.

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Speaker 1: If that's the case and your afternoon attire is not black tie formal, then definitely you're going to want to change up for that event if that's the nature of it.

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Speaker 1: Um it wouldn't be inappropriate to wear that formal wear to the afternoon ceremony if that's what other people are going to be wearing and it sounds like that might be the case when, when, when you mentioned that the wedding party will be in the same attire.

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Speaker 1: Um So that would be how I would handle it if I didn't want to make a change, but I think many people really enjoy that notch up into the evening. And if you're one of those people by all means enjoy that transition. And

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Speaker 1: If you're a listener to the show who remembers back about 10 episodes when I attended that wedding out in Newport, it was one of the things that I noticed about the progression of the weekend at the last wedding that I went to, the, the formality escalated over the days. And then even over the day of the wedding, there was a morning time ceremony with a lunch that followed. And in the evening

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Speaker 1: reception definitely was to the nines, people brought out

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Speaker 1: um the next level of their formal attire and it really created a special feel to that event. So um I would just offer that is something to think about. Maybe maybe look it as an opportunity to really wow them. But certainly not not the only way to handle the situation.

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Speaker 2: It is one of those things to where you want to think about for your guests there ease. I mean

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Speaker 2: It's one thing if you get married at three pm,

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Speaker 2: the service takes an hour and then there's, you know, three hours in between the service and the reception that might be time for people to go home and change. But if a lot of people can't go back to their hotel room, can't

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Speaker 2: Get to where you know, somewhere in between to make the change, I would reassure them to just show up in their in their attire for the evening at three p.m. and and make sure that they know that that's perfectly okay that the wedding party will be doing that.

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Speaker 1: Thank you for mentioning that the structure of the wedding that I'm throwing in about three days.

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Speaker 2: Well

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Speaker 1: whether you decide to make a change or not, we hope the wedding is fabulous and that you have a great time.

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Speaker 1: Our next question begins, dear lizzie and dan, is it possible to be too approachable? For as long as I can remember. I have found myself in tricky social situations with strangers and I think it must have something to do with the way I carry myself or the way I interact with people. I don't know.

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Speaker 1: I can think of countless incidents where I've been in a public place and I've had conversations with total strangers go south, so to speak. It starts with a basic greeting or a bit of small talk and then somehow it goes from a simple polite conversation to lengthy conversations about topics that I don't think are appropriate to discuss with someone. I don't know

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Speaker 1: I've had to listen to people make homophobic comments, go on Islamophobic rants or even described the numerous medical treatments they've received these conversations make me incredibly uncomfortable and I don't know how to avoid them or exit them. Once I found myself part of one

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Speaker 1: I've tried doing other things like reading or putting in headphones or using my smartphone to attempt to indicate that I'm not in the mood, but this doesn't always work.

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Speaker 1: I don't know what to do. I don't want to be rude, especially to strangers or people who are my elders. I would sincerely appreciate any suggestions you have regarding how to avoid or escape these interactions. Thank you so much for your time and thankful for all that you do with your podcast. It's an extremely valuable resource. Best Kelsey,

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Speaker 2: Oh Kelsey. I used to date a guy and he and I used to say, what do we have? Like talked to me stamped on our forehead because it was the same thing. We were, we always, and it was always

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Speaker 2: the really extreme people. It was always the people that had the sob story or that yeah, would have some kind of a really um

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Speaker 2: terry, I don't want to say terrible but politically incorrect agenda. It was so tough and

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Speaker 1: it's so true. Some people really shine. Some people just draw, they draw other people

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Speaker 2: to them

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Speaker 1: and I never want to tell anyone to tone down their shine. I

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Speaker 2: think it's a sucker on my forehead or something like that. But um I don't want to tell you to stop being the shiny person that dan's talking about. I think that

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Speaker 2: having that small talk is a, it makes you a brighter part of this world and I would never want to encourage you to not be that person who smiles and says a friendly hello or or has a slight comment to to a person. I think that's your nature and I'm never going to tell you not to do that.

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Speaker 2: But what I would say is that as soon as that first sentence comes out about the recent medical treatment or the homophobic comment or whatever, that's when I would encourage you um with a very, with a very easy but confident voice to say, I'm sorry,

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Speaker 2: I don't want to engage in this conversation

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Speaker 2: and it's your right as a person talking to a stranger to be able to say that and then turn around and I encourage you to ignore

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Speaker 1: them.

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Speaker 2: And if you have to leave then you have to leave. But

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Speaker 1: I think that's a good hard limit. It's don't don't don't let yourself be victimized and know that ultimately there is nothing rude about disengaging from a conversation that you're not comfortable with. Absolutely nothing at all.

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Speaker 2: Nothing at all. In

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Speaker 1: Some ways it's a bit of a tease for our post script. We're going to talk about how to talk politics and how to approach some of these tier two difficult conversations.

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Speaker 1: Um having sort of staked out that territory of one sitting there and just listening to something you're comfortable with. Two saying that it's entirely appropriate to excuse yourself from the conversation in the middle, like there might be some territory and I'm, I'm reminded of of myself visiting new york city recently and you come out of your cabin in huntingdon Vermont, you head down to the city and boy, it's, there's just people everywhere and stuff is going on, you can feel, it's so exciting

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Speaker 1: and it takes me a little while, like a few hours to get the complete shine off me a couple of days to really get any sort of city awareness where I don't look like that wide eyed deer in the headlights walking around, looking to engage everybody because I just don't see that many people on a daily basis and new Yorkers have this,

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Speaker 1: this effective way of not

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Speaker 1: engaging each other despite sharing a lot of proximity with each other and it's definitely a skill that

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Speaker 2: the degree

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Speaker 1: to which you make yourself available to the people around you, how deep the interactions that you have with the people that you pass by or you encounter in your day

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Speaker 1: go. And I love my visits to the midwest when I get off the plane all of a sudden everyone's got time to interact with you everywhere. And because I'm a bit of a cheese ball from the Emily Post Institute, I love that I do these little interactions and I feel really comfortable and at home. Um,

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Speaker 1: so maybe that will help a little bit, I'm sort of drawing out of a long winded metaphor here, but if you can think about putting on your city kid or your put your country cousin away for just a minute.

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Speaker 1: She

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Speaker 2: may be a city kid, she might have been born and raised in new york

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Speaker 1: for all we know is

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Speaker 2: true. Not everyone lives on a mountain. Sorry, I'm just taking em teasing dan.

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Speaker 1: And and and and grant granted this isn't, this isn't really um targeted etiquette advice. It's more a thought that might be useful within the larger parameter of you. It's really not not

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Speaker 1: required for you to sit and listen to someone have a conversation or say things that you don't

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Speaker 2: think so definitely. I hate I hate telling someone to ignore another person. But you've done the polite part of acknowledging that they're they're saying something polite. That's that small talk conversation and then it went too far and that's when you're allowed to put that boundary up and you know, either call someone on your phone, start doing something if they keep talking at you just keep ignoring them. It's that it's that simple and it's also difficult. So just stick with it and know that you aren't being rude. You gave them the politeness they needed in the beginning and that is all that is required of you.

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Speaker 2: Good luck though, man, I feel for it is tough. It is tough, Kelsey. So good luck.

00:20:16

Speaker 2: Our final question for today deals with funeral acknowledgements, please advise if it is necessary to send a thank you note to people who attended the funeral of a family member or do you only send them to those who sent flowers or cards? Thank you, marina

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Speaker 1: marina. Thank you for your question. It's got a simple answer. You you are not required to send thank you notes to people who attended the funeral. Um It is a really important step to send thank you notes to people who have sent condolence cards or flowers. But for those that just attended the funeral, um, a personal acknowledgement is fine

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Speaker 2: and the reason for this is, is

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Speaker 2: much the same as to why you actually put an announcement of a funeral. You don't send invitations to a funeral. You put an announcement in the paper, you make it public because you never know who the person who the deceased had touched in their lives, who they made an impact on.

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Speaker 2: And so you want to give everyone a chance. I remember the, one of the families I babysat for the father,

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Speaker 2: the kind of patriarch and the family passed away and when they had the service um

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Speaker 2: or the wake, it was a line literally five blocks long down the street of people waiting to come in to pay their respects to the family because

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Speaker 2: he touched that many people in the community and it was all day long. That line was that big. It just kept replenishing and it was unbelievable and you're never going to know all of the people who came to that funeral and you're never going to be, sadly, you won't, other than that verbal connection you might be able to make with them after before the service.

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Speaker 2: There's a good chance that you you won't be able to pay that respect. So it's something that's kind of just understood that they attend it for their own circumstance and to be supportive of you and um just wish them well from your heart.

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Speaker 2: Mm hmm.

00:22:07

Speaker 2: Well now wasn't that better? Look at the effect of a little politeness. Thanks to everyone for sending in your questions. You guys have such great questions and remember we love updates if we answered your question on the show or if you have a comment about one of our questions, please feel free to send it in.

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Speaker 2: You can also submit your questions to awesome etiquette, Emily post dot com

00:22:29

Speaker 2: or send it in via facebook or twitter. Just remember to use the hashtag awesome etiquette so that we know you want your question on the show

00:22:45

Speaker 1: this week's post script, we're going to talk a little bit about etiquette and politics and it's an appropriate topic sitting here in the studios of Vermont public radio because today is the day that Bernie Sanders will announce his presidential bid down on the waterfront of our, our little

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Speaker 1: Burlington town here.

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Speaker 2: It feels like we're scooping the news because that's not gonna happen until this evening but

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Speaker 2: you'll all be listening to this show next week

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Speaker 1: and there's definitely a buzz in this building as people prepare to head down there. Vermont doesn't have a lot of big political news, so this is, this is definitely a big deal in this little

00:23:16

Speaker 2: states.

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Speaker 1: Um, but however you feel about Bernie Sanders and his run for the presidency

00:23:22

Speaker 2: or anyone's run for the presidency. Exactly.

00:23:24

Speaker 1: It really, for me seems like an appropriate moment to think a little bit about politics and talk a little bit about politics. And

00:23:31

Speaker 1: we've talked about tears and conversation and small talk safe territory, sports, whether celebrities, what you had for breakfast in Tier two, the religion and politics and dating or your love life tear. There is that political question and we talked about Tier Two topics of conversation being potentially controversial.

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Speaker 2: They're

00:23:50

Speaker 1: a little bit risky. And we say you

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Speaker 1: maybe avoid them in polite company or in those, those moments when

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Speaker 2: with acquaintances, when you don't know who might have what opinion?

00:23:59

Speaker 1: A new business associate and you really haven't felt each other out yet. So at the same time our civil society would cease to function

00:24:07

Speaker 1: if we couldn't have political discussions. The existence of our democracy, our democratic process requires that we're able to have political discussions and have them intelligently and coherently and

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Speaker 1: and have those discussions with people who don't always necessarily agree with. And that's really the heart of um today's post script is looking at at tolerance and how we come together around disagreement. And when, when we're teaching our business etiquette seminars, we sometimes talk about strategies for having these tier two conversations and things that are important to think about before you go into a discussion about politics. And

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Speaker 1: one of the first things that I like to remind people is that by definition one of these controversial subject areas or topic areas,

00:24:52

Speaker 1: there are people who have very different opinions about those topics. That's that's what makes them so controversial and they potentially will feel very strongly about them and it's legitimate that they do. And just having that framework in your mind, when you enter the discussion, when you, when you start talking politics, you have to prepare yourself

00:25:09

Speaker 1: for the person that you're dialoguing with or discoursing with, or the people that you're dialoguing with, our discoursing with to have an opinion very different than yours. And you have to be prepared to accept that now, it doesn't mean that you think they're right. Yeah,

00:25:22

Speaker 2: you don't have to adopt it. But accepting it is different,

00:25:24

Speaker 1: it doesn't mean you have to agree with them, but it does mean you have to accept their the legitimacy of them having that opinion and

00:25:31

Speaker 2: what is it that we always say, I will respect your opinion, no matter how wrong it is,

00:25:36

Speaker 1: exactly. But

00:25:37

Speaker 2: it's like we always joke about that in our family, but it's the truth, it's it's I will

00:25:41

Speaker 1: absolutely, and and and it's really where the test begins, um the temptation to resort to the ad hominem attack or the response to the person. I can't believe you would think that, or I can't believe that's one of the hard ones. Get your information from someone as intelligent as you should know better than to trust that source. What

00:26:01

Speaker 2: dan's bringing up is one of the first places where people

00:26:05

Speaker 2: break away from being able to have that intelligent conversation. And it's the it's the shock that someone that, you know, and respect and like so much could think so very differently from you.

00:26:16

Speaker 1: Yeah. No, and and it's it's it's a risky trap and it's easy to fall into very quickly and without even imagining it, but but first of all, being willing to keep the focus on the issue that you're talking about and not on the other person I think is critically important.

00:26:30

Speaker 2: One thing I try to do in that moment is to simply remind myself,

00:26:36

Speaker 2: okay, this is this is a subject that we're talking about. We aren't talking about our relationship. It's it's almost like in my head, I try to go to the place of this is where we're different. Just remember that were

00:26:50

Speaker 1: different.

00:26:52

Speaker 1: Another huge tip from getting through these conversations is

00:26:56

Speaker 1: prepare yourself to listen.

00:26:57

Speaker 2: You've

00:26:58

Speaker 1: gotta perspective, you want to share it at the same time, the other person hopefully does also, and

00:27:04

Speaker 1: Um you can challenge yourself to listen at least 50% of the time if there's one other person, if there's two other people, guess what, you only get to talk 30% of the time, your your share of the talking pie goes down very quickly as more people get involved.

00:27:17

Speaker 1: Another way to think it was be a detective, be curious why is this other person holding this? I mean,

00:27:21

Speaker 2: what, what, what is

00:27:22

Speaker 1: the place that they're operating from that brought them to this perspective? And if you can figure that out, you'll have learned something you'll have figured out and and and maybe you might start to figure out the way to have the discussion in a way that

00:27:33

Speaker 1: that allows you to represent yourself in a way that they're going to understand.

00:27:37

Speaker 1: And then the final point that I like to make to people is that willingness to listen is about more than just playing a role. Um,

00:27:45

Speaker 1: I've got some friends who I disagree with about politics very strongly and I oftentimes remind myself that I'm not likely to convince them with an argument, the logic that I put forward or that new statistic or piece of data that I came across isn't likely to change their mind. But if they can have a reasonable discussion with me, if they can meet a reasonable person who holds a different opinion,

00:28:07

Speaker 1: there's a chance we might start to build a bridge, it's not just crazy people or other people who think that it's someone they know and respect. And in the same way that I remind myself that someone I can still respect might really disagree with me,

00:28:19

Speaker 1: affording them that respect is I think the best way to earn it and to start to build it,

00:28:24

Speaker 2: you're right. You know what I love about the last one is that it takes the

00:28:32

Speaker 2: it takes that I can judge that group for thinking that way out of it. Because there's like you said, there's someone that they know possibly love and respect in that group.

00:28:43

Speaker 2: They know you're an intelligent person. They like the way you make certain decisions in your life. They might not like this, but at least then you become a voice for that group that they, that they have associated with just oh, those jobs over there thinking this, Oh, but wait, my good friend or my family member is one of those people and either you then get in that group in their head or

00:29:06

Speaker 2: it's just, you're right, you you have a little bit more of a foothold with them and you're right, it's not to change them,

00:29:12

Speaker 2: but it's to give respect to the ideas that might be held by others.

00:29:16

Speaker 1: Yeah, a final tip and I would use it to wrap up our discussion today is when you enter those discussions, be willing to exit them, be willing to back away if it becomes argumentative, it becomes heated. Your willingness to see the last word

00:29:29

Speaker 1: is, um, I think it's a prerequisite for getting into the conversation to begin with. You can always respect someone else's opinion and their right to hold it even if you don't think that it's correct or right. So as the political seasons heat up, good luck, happy talking politics. One of my favorite things to do, but do it well, do it with respect and and hopefully we can build some bridges over the next

00:29:52

Speaker 2: year.

00:30:16

Speaker 2: Each week we like to end our show on a positive note with an etiquette salute and I do want to encourage you to send your salutes in because we're out of salutes, we need salutes. Come on. We know there's great people out there doing great things and we want to hear about the great people in your life, doing great things.

00:30:36

Speaker 2: Today's salute begins. I was recently asked out on a date by a very nice gentleman. We were both working the same event at a music festival and chatted quite a bit over the course of the weekend, we exchanged numbers and soon after he got in touch with me very early on in the conversation, he actually said,

00:30:53

Speaker 2: I really enjoyed talking with you and I would love to take you out for dinner. It was so refreshing to hear those words. It is so awkward to go out with someone and not be sure if it's a date or just two friends hanging out. It seems increasingly common that people are hedging their bets when it comes to dating and just asking someone to hang out

00:31:13

Speaker 2: as if to say I like you but something better might come along and I don't want to take you on a real date if things aren't going to work out. I think clarity of communication is always important, but particularly in the very complicated world of dating and I really appreciated this gentleman stating what his intentions were at the beginning so that I knew what to expect

00:31:32

Speaker 2: again. Thank you both so much for a wonderful podcast,

00:31:35

Speaker 2: Best sarah

00:31:37

Speaker 2: sarah. That is a lovely salute. I couldn't be more in your camp and agree.

00:31:42

Speaker 1: I

00:31:43

Speaker 2: do hope you get either more asks like that or that this is the beginning of something really great in your life.

00:31:49

Speaker 2: Did you hear that? She says you're not as rude as you used to be? What do you know?

00:31:59

Speaker 2: That's

00:32:00

Speaker 1: our show for today as always, thank you for listening and spending some of your day with us. We hope you have a wonderful rest of your week and don't forget there's no show without you. So send us your questions or etiquette salutes and your suggestions to awesome etiquette Emily post dot com

00:32:15

Speaker 1: if you like what you hear, don't be shy tweet and facebook post and of course you can subscribe on itunes and leave us a review on facebook where the Emily post institute on twitter, I'm at daniel underscore Post

00:32:26

Speaker 2: and I'm at a

00:32:27

Speaker 1: post. Or you can visit our website Emily Post dot com. Our theme music was composed and performed by bob Wagner. Our show is edited and produced by hans butto.