Episode 39 - How a Post Gets Married
In this episode of Awesome Etiquette
Dan got married! And we get to hear all about it. From the clothes to the food, the music to the ceremony, and the sangeet to the chuppah.
Speaker 1: Hi well life's a little different now dan's married. Yay yay. And he's in the closet.
Speaker 2: Maybe it's just that you don't know how to use. Social courtesy,
Speaker 2: act as host and hostess. They know that courtesy means showing respect, thinking of the other person, real friendliness. Coming up on this episode of awesome etiquette. Your etiquette questions span topics from birth to death and come from as far away as Ghana and of course we'll be giving you all the updates on my and pooches wedding,
Speaker 2: the food, the clothes, the dancing, and of course all the ceremonies, awesome
Speaker 1: etiquette comes to you from the studios of Vermont public radio and in today's special edition, it's also coming to you from dan's mini honeymoon which is
Speaker 1: currently taking place in a closet on Martha's
Speaker 2: vineyard and of
Speaker 1: course we're proud to be part of the infinite guest network from american public media. I'm lizzie Post
Speaker 2: and I'm dan post Senning from the Emily Post Institute,
Speaker 1: your
Speaker 2: wedding. I know it
Speaker 1: happened, it was so much fun and
Speaker 2: Here we are in the aftermath. Not even 24 hours later, not
Speaker 1: Even 24 hours later yesterday morning we were eating potpourri and rice
Speaker 1: pudding for breakfast and
Speaker 2: and haul them and good for you knowing about purity.
Speaker 1: Yeah, well I had three of them. I mean it was so good and then the and the the hull of a. I love the hull of a that was the humble and the rice pudding in the poor E. That's all I wanted for breakfast was so good
Speaker 2: yum and it took me like two rounds before I absolutely fell in love with it. But now it's one of those things where it's like, oh there's going to be
Speaker 1: so good. It's a it's like a wheat. They I asked one of the aunties and she said it's a wheat, it's like crushed crushed wheat flour with sugar and a lot of butter and it's just cooked until it's like
Speaker 1: really, it's it's creamier than cream of wheat. It's almost like more liquidy mashed potatoes, it's amazing and it's
Speaker 2: just
Speaker 1: it's just lovely dipped on these little fried pillows of deliciousness
Speaker 2: and if you're a savory sweet person you can put a little bit of those like
Speaker 2: salty china,
Speaker 2: what
Speaker 1: was the channel? Was that the beans and
Speaker 1: the the chickpeas are the beans?
Speaker 2: Those little black, like those little like mini black. I like I like good,
Speaker 1: I liked those quite a bit, I really like those, those things all together were really great. Um
Speaker 2: um So we're now talking about the sunday brunch.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I know we're like going backwards,
Speaker 2: we could probably go on for the rest of the show just describing the food.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it was and you also have to understand that the post side of the family is extremely into their food. I mean when you listen to our family get together,
Speaker 1: it's funny how we're talkers and it's funny how quiet the table gets around mealtime when the food is really good and I will definitely say that our table was the quietest at the wedding because the food was so good
Speaker 1: and I think everyone, all I kept hearing was this is the best Okra dish I've ever had. Can you believe this Okra dish, Like it was unbelievable. But let's, let's back it up. And I figured for the intro part of our show, we would talk about sort of the
Speaker 1: call it the polish to the wedding, the food, the attire, the sound of the music and all of that. But then um in our post script, we're actually going to focus more on the ceremonies and the actual events of the wedding.
Speaker 2: I love the idea. Okay, we'll go with a little bit of flash and sizzle and later we'll go with some more substance.
Speaker 1: I love it. So I want to start with the sand. It because one of the first things that was so noticeable to me at the sand and I really want to get to one of our favorite nine year old listeners requests and that is that she would love a picture of your outfit at the sand
Speaker 2: because we can do that.
Speaker 1: You wore traditional indian attire to this
Speaker 2: quarter pajama, which is
Speaker 2: uh it can be very simple or it can be more elaborate but it's very much like a tunic with a Nehru collar often um slits on the side that run up about waist high and then you wear uh almost like what, what, what you might think of as like a pajama pant underneath it and there's a couple of different styles, there's a thin legs style and more sort of a wide leg style.
Speaker 1: So just let me let me break in for a second here and say that not only was dan in this outfit, what how do you pronounce it against a pajama? Okay the court a pajama, but so were his father and his brother and they both had the shoes that had the kind of curly Q tip on the end.
Speaker 2: I'm not remembering the word for that as well to see
Speaker 1: the two of them who are total like you know these guys all live on the mountain in Vermont like to see them in this beautiful indian attire was such a treat and everybody, all the men in our family loved who did wear it, loved wearing it.
Speaker 1: And then what cracked me up though and and Will Susan and I were all joking about this was like you know Will showed me how it's got like the pajama pant underneath that's like so comfy and everything and I was like oh will you wore red boxers
Speaker 2: and
Speaker 1: it was great because the tuna covered it so you couldn't see
Speaker 1: but it was one of those really funny things where he was like alerted to this thing that as women, I feel like I've dealt with so much more often in their lives which is when you wear something light on the bottom, you need to have undergarments that match. So it was really really funny and I mean I know men wear light colored pants and light colored shorts too, but they're usually thick enough that it's not a question of what your undergarments are colored as. So it was a funny realization for I think for I think your brother but um
Speaker 2: and let's keep going but I want to interrupt and say that um lizzie Post looked so glamorous at more than one person told me just how absolutely stunning you were in that pink dress.
Speaker 1: Thank you. That's very sweet. You know what I think made it made my outfit was that I had gotten and this is, there are pictures of it on my twitter account which is at lizzie a post
Speaker 1: um the henna, they had a woman, they're doing henna for everyone at the sand it and that was um first of all just so wonderful for
Speaker 1: those of us who don't have an indian background to have access to that because it is truthfully so beautiful. I have gotten so many compliments on it in the past couple of days since the wedding and
Speaker 1: it just, it made me feel so a part of the celebration, you know and that was really gorgeous and on top of it you know they, you can ask her to do things like in honor of someone that means something to you or something like that. And it was really, it was just really beautiful that kind of,
Speaker 1: there are patterns and designs that can kind of have a little bit of special meaning in place for you who's wearing them. And I thought that was really, really nice.
Speaker 2: And the
Speaker 1: gal doing it told me that she does more of an Arabic design. Arab design and that the indian designs are more geometric in
Speaker 2: pattern.
Speaker 2: And
Speaker 1: I noticed some of those on his legs. Yeah,
Speaker 2: one did, someone did, one did the mendi for poop on, on Wednesday at the ganesha pooja, sort of a family prayer that precedes the larger wedding. And
Speaker 1: what is the Ganesha pooja
Speaker 2: happens earlier in the week, just with the bride's family and it's an opportunity for the bride's family to prepare the bride.
Speaker 2: Um, and, and uh usually the groom's not involved because we were doing a more blended ceremony experience. My folks were there and I was there later in the day, but there were some things that the groom really wouldn't have been appropriate for the groom to be
Speaker 1: there for you.
Speaker 2: Um, but she, she has sort of a,
Speaker 2: hers took hours to apply and really she almost has a full covering up her calves and forearms.
Speaker 2: My name is hidden in there somewhere, that particular significance. There's, there's all kinds of different different games that you can play with it and
Speaker 1: you had one on your hand that had puja written on it,
Speaker 2: I got a very small one. Just name on,
Speaker 1: on the inside of your
Speaker 2: hand. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: it was very cool, very, very cool
Speaker 2: and before we should even take a bigger step back and and our audience is just, I apologize, you have to indulge us, this is lizzie's in my first chance to really process,
Speaker 1: it was, it was so
Speaker 2: the wedding ourselves, so please just join us in the end.
Speaker 1: It was one of those things where Dan and I spend so much time together throughout, I mean we're together about 40 hours a week or more and working on this podcast, our relationship at work is even closer than I think it ever has been and it was pretty close to begin with.
Speaker 1: Um so we have all of you to thank for encouraging that,
Speaker 1: but it was almost hard to not get to like, have our daily convo is that we have, you know, like in these moments that were these huge moments of your life and I remember laughing at one point because you finally came and sat down next to me and I was like, oh, this is it dan and I are going to have a minute together
Speaker 1: and man, the groom is never has a minute on his wedding day
Speaker 2: because
Speaker 1: everyone flocked to you and I was like, no, like this isn't going to be, it won't be the moment,
Speaker 2: it was nice. I, I remember the time you're talking about, it was really nice and it was um, but you're, you're so right about that. The experience of it is such a rush and everybody who's been through it talks about it. And, and I think people who as they plan their wedding, hope hope for something like it. And I certainly felt it where it's the biggest,
Speaker 2: this is your life party you've ever been to and,
Speaker 2: and it's just nonstop. There's constant attention and things to do. And it does, it feels wonderful. I found myself saying to poop this morning, you know,
Speaker 2: I'm going to remember that first, one of the, one of the greatest, one of the best days of my life, one of the greatest things I've ever, I've ever experienced. I
Speaker 1: love it. I love it. And I'll tell you I had at one, it was funny because the first night at the Sandy, everyone was really getting to know each other. And it was funny, the families were almost shy.
Speaker 1: It was, it was like we were shy as we said hello to one another and
Speaker 1: and also greeted each other because many of us hadn't seen each other. Some of his family was coming from India and I'm sure they hadn't gotten to see some of the other friends and relatives yet. So it's kind of like the family's kind of were more um separated. They were interacting, but not quite as much as on the wedding day and I remember meeting pooja's father, but not really having any kind of just kind of like, oh yes, I'm the cousin that does the podcast with him and oh yes, you're pooja's father and that's, that's lovely. Okay, good, nice to meet you. Yes. And then, um,
Speaker 1: on the day of the wedding, after the ceremony, we were at the cocktail hour, which is really like a cocktail, 2.5 hour um with a lot of food, should anyone want to know? We, we posts were told pace yourselves and we didn't and everyone was so full and then all of a sudden it was like dinner again and we were like, oh my gosh, and there's more really great food.
Speaker 1: But I saw pooja's father from about like 30 40 ft away and he gave the broken to this huge smile and he points at me like, hey, it's you. And then he got up and walked right over and embraced me and we had this long conversation and
Speaker 1: just so much joy. We totally talked about you guys having kids in the future. Like it was just this beautiful conversation and it really felt like we were family now
Speaker 1: and that I thought was just an amazing difference between the two days that it was like now we are all family.
Speaker 2: One of the things I love about that the multi day process of it is and there is so much process to it that that,
Speaker 2: that ends up drawing you together. There's no way to avoid it. It's not just that, that moment at the cocktail hour where you get the conversation, it's the two days of getting to know each other that leads up to it. And
Speaker 2: um the Yankees being essentially a giant rehearsal dinner that everybody is invited to, but also sort of a family talent show where their performances for the bride and groom as guests of honor. Um, I'll take a little bow pooch and I prepared uh fred Astaire ginger Rogers little,
Speaker 2: the soft shoe mimicked the cheek to cheek that we could participate
Speaker 1: and I'll take a bow. I have video of it up until the point that my camera died, but it was really cute.
Speaker 1: So I have, I do have video of that and I want to post it for some of our listeners to be able to see because I think they would love to see you in that performing moment
Speaker 2: on to the wedding wedding day itself. I'm curious impressions. I've seen just a couple of pictures and what's standing out to me is on the color.
Speaker 2: It
Speaker 1: was hot pink and orange were the two colors of the wedding For the most part I noticed and it was incredibly vibrant and that's what all, all of the post side of the family kept saying, I love the color, I love the color. In fact, my mother exclaimed, that's it. I'm done with white wedding dresses
Speaker 2: like that's
Speaker 1: not the way to celebrate and
Speaker 1: I was kind of like, oh well, okay,
Speaker 2: let's not throw the baby out with the bathwater,
Speaker 1: hang on mom, one more to go, one more to go. Um
Speaker 1: but it was, it was the color, I mean my own, sorry, the photo that was on twitter doesn't do it justice, but it was the most deep royal shade of navy, navy blue. Um the anti that helped me put on, I wish I remembered her name, but the anti you helped me put on my sorry. Um she was in this,
Speaker 1: I mean just lusciously fuchsia pink
Speaker 1: um sorry with uh with gold, beautiful gold necklaces draped around her. Um it was just everywhere you looked, the colors were so vibrant and I know that's what people think of when they think of indian culture and especially Bollywood and everything, but
Speaker 1: to see it and have it all around you, I think you really feel
Speaker 1: how much it makes a difference. You know, it's not, it's not everyone in black cocktail dresses.
Speaker 2: It's so, it's such a great word.
Speaker 2: It
Speaker 1: was stunning and we are going to don't worry, we are going to talk about the ceremonies themselves and get into more detail in the post script.
Speaker 1: Um do you have anything else to add before we get on with the show or before we start tackling some of our readers questions.
Speaker 2: I unfortunately could go on like this for days and I think we should just cut ourselves and say there will be time we
Speaker 1: will talk more. Alright, well let's get started
Speaker 2: onto the show
Speaker 2: on each and every episode of awesome etiquette, even ones right after a wedding, we take your questions on how to behave. Our first question today has to do with addressing difficult topics with friends, family, maybe even coworkers,
Speaker 2: Dear lizzie and Daniel. I enjoy your podcast on my way to work here in Accra Ghana, thank you for developing it. I have a beautiful daughter who fills me with so much joy. Her father is not in the picture. The short version of the story is this after a magical two years dating, he simply literally disappeared from my life soon after the pregnancy.
Speaker 2: I was baffled for the longest time and could not figure it out.
Speaker 2: However, soon after I gave birth, I finally learned the truth.
Speaker 2: Every single thing he had ever told me about. His identity was a lie, his family, his education, his parents, his profession. If I had not seen his passport, I would have been right to assume his name too was a lie,
Speaker 2: but I got over that and have forgiven myself Now I'm living an amazing, wonderful new life with my daughter. I do not doubt for a second that I am preparing myself for a wonderful new relationship in the future with a wonderful man of good character.
Speaker 2: This is my question.
Speaker 2: I work in an international slightly conservative work environment. I do not owe anyone an explanation about my life. But there are always questions about him as I often talked about him or mentioned him in conversation.
Speaker 2: My colleagues assume he is still part of my life and I often talk about him as if he is, but I feel dishonest and a fraud.
Speaker 2: I have been trying for the better part of a year to come up with a response that is honest. It does not give away the story of my past, but that shuts the door on curiosity at the same time without being rude, evasive or unkind.
Speaker 2: I love these people I work with but I also want a response that leaves me dignified and protected from the pettiness of office gossip.
Speaker 2: These are the ones I have tried that I'm still not satisfied with.
Speaker 2: one. It is complicated.
Speaker 2: two. We are well learning the best ways to be the best possible parents to our daughter.
Speaker 2: Then it goes, the list is long but not satisfactory. I would I would like you to support me and finding a way to talk about transition and nipping these curious questions in the bud with decorum, best wishes, enchanted life.
Speaker 1: Oh, enchanted life. I feel for you. That is a really difficult situation.
Speaker 1: I'm going to be really honest. I'm not sure that there is a way to turn off the curiosity. I tend to have realized in my own life that people are always going to talk
Speaker 1: and you kind of can't control that. I think that if you're comfortable with stating the truth, that the best way to avoid rumors which are the kind of talk that I think become speculative and um hurtful
Speaker 1: are are to actually say something you know, to to tell the truth about what happened. Um you can find a very like you told us a very shortened version of the truth. Um it could even be as simple as, you know, it didn't work out between us, but thank you for caring about me. Um but I think it's the best way to avoid the negative rumors, rumors. Um you know, people will probably wind up saying something like,
Speaker 1: oh did you hear what happened to Enchanted? Can you believe it? He sounded so great, but that's very different from having people um actually say negative rumors are like, oh what do you think happened between them? Or I don't know, you know, she talks about him like he's here, but we never see him at any functions or anything.
Speaker 1: That's the kind of speculation that I think is really not fun to have about you and
Speaker 2: I think you just sort of tapped into something there where there is some potential trouble like this person was so deceitful that there there's a risk that you get drawn into his deception.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you don't want to become a party to that you don't you don't want to be um complicit in in that, oh, he's still around. We're trying to be the best parents,
Speaker 1: right? You're furthering a deception.
Speaker 2: That that that that makes you an accomplice and you want nothing to do with. That would be my my advice.
Speaker 1: And it really can boil down to that simple sentence of he's no longer in the picture, but my daughter and I are very happy and that it does let people know you're okay. And it's amazing how when,
Speaker 1: when you deliver someone bad news, but end it with a positive spin of how great you're doing right now, which you clearly are. I mean, you had such wonderful things to say about your life right now and and having forgiven yourself for fallen into a trap with this guy. And that is a very subtle way of letting them know
Speaker 1: this is done with because I'm over it. I think if they pry further, that's when you can say I'd rather not talk about it, but I truly am okay and thank you so much for caring and then you do exactly what we say. You find another subject to talk about. You know, how how is that report for? Mr so and so or hey, what did you do last weekend?
Speaker 1: It lets them know this conversation is done.
Speaker 2: I had something to the effect of he turned out not to be the man. I thought he was
Speaker 1: another great line.
Speaker 2: I prefer not to speak badly about him. So let's just say he's no longer a part of our lives and it's probably better that way.
Speaker 1: Another great way to go
Speaker 2: just and then and then you sort of you establish yourself is really taking the high road. Yeah,
Speaker 1: yeah. And and it's the truth, but it's also it's the brief truth, which I think is what you want.
Speaker 1: Enchanted life. I really we are so happy that you and your daughter do have an enchanted life. And we're hoping that that next guy of good character is right around the corner and hopefully this gives you a way to feel both honest. Um and comfortable sharing what happened.
Speaker 1: Our next question is becoming a bit of a theme lately. I feel like we're dealing with with social media I think in about every episode lately.
Speaker 1: Hi lizzie and dan. I'm a big fan of the podcast. I have a question involving social media and death.
Speaker 1: I learned of the death of the parent of one of my friends via a facebook post. Her brother made
Speaker 1: the friend herself is not on facebook and has not reached out to tell people of her loss. I want to send her my condolences and I'm not sure how to do so since I learned of the death secondhand,
Speaker 1: what is the best way for me to tell her that I know about this difficult personal news without her having told me herself, we aren't very close and she lives far away. But I do want to send her my sympathy in this difficult time.
Speaker 1: What do you think?
Speaker 2: I think it's a great question because it does, it addresses both. Um some of the complications that arrive around social media and some of the difficulties people have about talking about death and offering condolences or sympathy at the same time. I think it's it's not as tricky as it might seem. Um
Speaker 2: in the past people would often hear about death via an obituary. They would read about it in the newspaper. It wasn't always news that was delivered personally.
Speaker 2: From my perspective, learning about a death through social media isn't that different than learning about a death through an obituary.
Speaker 1: The
Speaker 2: one major difference is that you don't know that the family has planned the announcement. So just in case this brother has
Speaker 2: scoops the news that the family hasn't had an opportunity to tell everybody in the immediate family or friend group yet,
Speaker 2: you might give yourself a day or two to offer the condolence, but I wouldn't wait too long and I would go ahead and send it. And um a traditional condolence card or note of sympathy. It's a great way to contact someone. If you've got a phone number, you could reach them that way, Whatever feels personal and appropriate. This person isn't on facebook and I probably wouldn't reach out through facebook unless that was
Speaker 2: a medium that was really established in the relationship as a close personal way that I talked to somebody. I didn't have another way to reach them.
Speaker 1: I was going to say I would only use facebook if I didn't have an address for them or couldn't get one. I would even go so far as to say try reaching out to that brother and asking for an address to send to before you even
Speaker 2: I like that idea
Speaker 1: because this is one of those times where
Speaker 1: we all get them, we get the text messages, we get the facebook posts. I'm so sorry. I actually had a friend of mine reach out to me and say I just saw your Aunt Sarah's post. I'm so sorry about your family member that passed like and it happens, it didn't make me feel awkward at all. It made me feel glad that I had one less person to tell
Speaker 1: and that you know, they were reaching out on their own. So I and I and you know to your comment about waiting a day or two, I would even say
Speaker 1: its condolences come in over a long period of time when when news spreads about a death. So if you are not sure then it is okay to to you know, wait a week or two even because this this will just happen over the span of time as as you know, word spreads,
Speaker 2: but definitely don't don't worry about it. People often times get concerned around the death that they're not going to do the right thing or say the right things. So they don't do anything
Speaker 1: right. Don't do
Speaker 2: that time when people need you the most. And hearing from someone who you haven't heard from from a long time can can really be a comfort. And in terms of
Speaker 1: how to actually say it, you know, she was a little worried about the language saying, you know, I had heard the news through your brother that, you know, or I had just simply heard the news that your your father had passed, your mother had passed,
Speaker 1: that's perfectly appropriate. You don't have to get into that. It was on facebook.
Speaker 2: I think the structure of the note, I love your suggestion, you offer your condolences, offer your sympathy. It can be as simple as that if you have a particular remembrance about that you're welcome to, but you don't have to either. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I think that covers it and
Speaker 1: you know, best of luck to your friend during this difficult time and you know, I think you are being a good friend, even though you guys are far apart
Speaker 1: um to reach out to her,
Speaker 2: we're gonna start our next question with a triple negative to un invite or not to un invite. That is the question dear Lizzy and daniel. I have a sensitive issue that I'm wondering if you could help me navigate, How do I go about un inviting someone from a party or weekend event or can I,
Speaker 2: I have considered a friend a good friend and included her in an invite of five women to celebrate a Milestone birthday weekend celebration.
Speaker 2: I have had to chase her down to get a response and that does not feel good. The pattern isn't entirely new. Her style of communication is pretty hot and cold at this point, I am tired of it and increasingly am not interested in having that influence my birthday weekend.
Speaker 2: I realized I could just let it go and possibly not hear from her. However, that keeps it open ended to her impulsive decision.
Speaker 2: Is there a delicate or diplomatic way for me to un invite her
Speaker 2: all the best
Speaker 2: jennifer.
Speaker 1: Oh jennifer, I feel for you, this is, this is a tough situation and you know, remember friendships do kind of happen in waves sometimes, you know you're really tight with someone and other times they're going through a hard time or
Speaker 1: or it's just their behavior changes and it starts to feel awkward and all of a sudden someone who really is a good friend isn't such a great friend anymore.
Speaker 1: Um I think you can't un invite her personally. I don't think you call someone up. Um I've, I've been through personally some extraordinarily difficult situations with people that I was going to be going on a trip with and they were not uninvited from the trip and when it came down to it the host of the trip
Speaker 1: I just felt like that wasn't something that was appropriate to do in any way shape or form. And at the end of the day I'll tell you I
Speaker 1: now agree with their decision. So I'm hoping that I can give you the advice of um don't un invite her. Um Check in on the R. S. V. P. So that hopefully you can get a clear answer from her one way or the other and you can be prepared.
Speaker 1: Um But it might turn into she this might be a weekend where she's hot and not cold and you might wind up with a really great time with her. She might surprise you. And I hope that's the case if it's not the way that it goes you have some other friends to help buffer the situation. Um And hopefully help encourage her to
Speaker 1: participate in the weekend and participate positively.
Speaker 1: Um So I'm hoping that that's the way your birthday weekend goes. But I don't think that you can un invite her from this. But I do think you should you know try to try to check in on her and either she shows up or she doesn't
Speaker 2: agree 1000%. I couldn't agree more. It's almost impossible to recall that invitation. Yeah.
Speaker 2: Um The the only note that I would add is to everybody out there listening. Take note that this is what the failure to respond to an invitation fires
Speaker 1: so
Speaker 2: frustrating and um, I, I feel, I feel jennifer's pain situation because it can feel like, well if they just can't even give me a solid answer, why would I even be inviting them in the first place? And I, I understand that sentiment and
Speaker 2: I would remember it if you don't want to feel that way in the future, Maybe you don't extend that invite in the future. But I think your advice, lizzie is really generous
Speaker 2: in remembering that whole perspective is really sometimes necessary to maintain friendships over time.
Speaker 1: It is, it is, it's, it's a hard thing for sure. But jennifer, we hope that no matter what you have a wonderful birthday weekend.
Speaker 2: Indeed.
Speaker 1: Our final question today, we're only doing four questions today because we really want to talk about dan's wedding. Okay, begins good afternoon lizzie and dan. I absolutely adore your podcast and it always cheers up my walk home among my social group in Britain, baby showers are not derek.
Speaker 1: I hope I pronounced that decently and gift giving rather occurs at a christening or naming ceremony. I'm now organizing my own baby's christening and would like to address the issue of gift giving. I'm an avid reader and love to share this with my child. I feel that it would be lovely for the guests, my close friends and family to share their favorite books perhaps with a personal inscription, I am however unsure how to broach this on an invitation
Speaker 1: as the invitation is to a christening, there's a religious aspect and I'm not sure if it's appropriate to include gift talk also as a wider issue is making a specific gift request, rude or inappropriate.
Speaker 1: Would you suggest I forgo my wish that guests give books? Or do you have any suggestions of how I could politely express my wish? Many thanks liam.
Speaker 1: So what would you do? I mean this is what do you think? I
Speaker 2: think that you really don't include any mention of gifts on the invitation itself,
Speaker 1: but it's
Speaker 2: entirely appropriate to to spread your idea for a theme, gift giving the award of mouth.
Speaker 2: Um It is quite common for there to be gift giving at a christening party and congratulations on
Speaker 1: the
Speaker 2: new the New life.
Speaker 2: Um and I've even heard talk about sort of some, some themes around certain christenings and christening gifts.
Speaker 2: I would spread your wishes via word of mouth. I would talk to the very close friends and family that are likely to be in attendance and talk to them. Just the way you talk to us
Speaker 2: about how you want to share a passion for books and reading with this child and if they felt inspired you to join you in that theme, that that that's a suggestion that you're making.
Speaker 2: Um you can't control other people's gift giving if they have something in particular that they have in mind. Maybe it's something that they give every niece and nephew, maybe it's something that really has some significance to them,
Speaker 2: but they want to communicate. Um lizzie Post gave me a wonderful idea for a christening gift, I always really appreciated that. And
Speaker 2: um what
Speaker 1: was the gift? Wait, what was the gift?
Speaker 2: Your your idea was to give a pearl
Speaker 1: oh the out
Speaker 2: of pearl necklace.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I did that for my goddaughter
Speaker 2: too. Yeah, I thought that was brilliant. You know, I
Speaker 1: also think it's one of those things where um spread word of mouth via your clothes, you're very close family, like the people that that someone coming to the christening might ask, you know, hey what should I bring as a gift? Or am I supposed to bring a gift to this? Um So you know like your your parents, your siblings, um your partner's parents and and his or her siblings? Uh That way, that way. Kind of the closest of the inner circle. No, and then branching out from that, it's kind of just you know, hope hopefully word gets out and like dan said, if it doesn't don't worry about it, you just got some other cool gift.
Speaker 2: Well once again congratulations and good luck with the rest of the party planning. We we hope it's a smashing and awesome up there. Did you hear that? She says you're not as rude as you used to be,
Speaker 2: what do you know? Thanks
Speaker 1: to everyone for sending in your questions and remember we love updates and I have been so excited whenever I've seen a couple of them come through, I've been forwarding them on to dan and it's been really great to hear
Speaker 1: how you used our advice, how you didn't use our advice, how the situation rectified itself before you got a chance to use the advice. It's just really fun to catch up with you and hear how everything went. If we answered your question on the show or if you have a comment about one of our questions, please feel free to send it in.
Speaker 1: You can also submit your next question or your first question to awesome etiquette at Emily Post dot com or send it in via facebook or twitter. Just use the hashtag awesome etiquette so that we know you want your question on the show,
Speaker 2: let's all celebrate and have a good time
Speaker 2: we gonna celebrate and have a good time
Speaker 1: more wedding. I feel like we need, I feel like we need indian music. I was so loving all of the indian music at the whole weekend. It was awesome.
Speaker 2: You're giving the ideas, we should do like some social media links to some of the great Bollywood wedding movies because there were a lot of the soundtrack comes
Speaker 1: comes from okay,
Speaker 2: let's give
Speaker 1: our audience a rundown of what we all just went through. So we start out, we get down to the location of the wedding, the town of the wedding and we arrive at the san geek
Speaker 2: indeed, and as we've, we've sort of teased at the start of the show, the sort of parallel tradition, maybe in the christian or western tradition is the rehearsal dinner, but this is a bigger rehearsal dinner, is an enormous dinner and there is an element to it where there's performance, the bride and the groom
Speaker 2: sit in the seat of power and the families
Speaker 2: presents. Oftentimes it's dance, their song and dance and traditional songs or songs and just fun songs or songs.
Speaker 2: Um, and this particular thinking it was fun because a call went out to both sides of the family, which
Speaker 1: also resulted in some very entertaining acts. Um
Speaker 2: um, so we ended up with an amalgam um sand that was part talent show, traditional Sandy's experience. Um
Speaker 2: and, and it was, it, it turned out to be a great opportunity for the families to meet. I already mentioned the ginger Rogers fred Astaire inspired soft shoe routine done by the bride and groom.
Speaker 2: I'm curious from the audience's perspective,
Speaker 1: Cousin Peter read some, some poetry and then there was the first song that one of the anti sang was very beautiful. It was, it was pretty much the only song that I felt like was sung in hindi and it was her voice was really spectacular and it was very clear
Speaker 1: um and I felt like it really kicked things off. Well,
Speaker 1: there were of course the, the dances by, by his mother in particular
Speaker 1: and um there was a sort of like break dancing done by one of the little boys.
Speaker 2: We got a little happy, some break dancing with the little kids. I used to break dance for the Aunts and uncles,
Speaker 2: it
Speaker 1: was awesome. And then from our side of the family, one of the best and I'm hoping we can convince dan to let us put it up on the Infinite Guest blog. But his father and his sister in law busted out a rendition of dan's performance singing what was the song,
Speaker 2: you're Never too late to fall in love from the musical, the boyfriend
Speaker 1: and this was like dancing, you know, dan's mother came out and explained that it was like his first, you know, he had never been interested in theater performance or anything like that and all of a sudden he has this major part in the school musical
Speaker 1: and I have to say they had, it was the most adorable thing. All I can think of is that did you, did you do that was so
Speaker 2: cute,
Speaker 1: john and dan's father and Susan, his sister in law
Speaker 1: re performed it in front of everyone and and john put on this massive beard that like went down to his knees and Susan was in this
Speaker 2: case, my pregnant sister in law played the young, the young, the
Speaker 1: young fling. Exactly. And it was a riot listening to them, you know, do this version of singing it or speaking it singing it
Speaker 1: and then they actually played for us dan's performance and they put it up on video and I'm hoping Daniel let us put it up because it is a phenomenal. He did a fantastic job and it was so much fun to see him in that performing element and I think it really gave the Gupta family a sense of kind of a little bit of dance performance life and where it began and where it originated from because they got to see it in your dancing,
Speaker 1: you know when you performed with Putin and I'm sure that you've shown them pictures over the time that you two have spent together but this was like in action live on stay. Like it was so great
Speaker 2: well and and sort of a final thing I'll mention from there to there is a member of his family, a very close cousin, nickname Ash
Speaker 2: and his lovely wife, Ciara did a sort of a very traditional south indian dance performance as it was also so appreciated. I know he's a regular listener to this show and I wanted to slip in at some point
Speaker 2: a real hello to Ash out there and I hope you're listening and enjoying all this wedding talk as much as lizzie and I are sharing it,
Speaker 1: it was so much fun, so much fun and it was great to get to meet Ash at the wedding.
Speaker 2: Yeah, he's an absolute sweetheart. He was so instrumental in helping me find the outfit that I wore that night, spent a whole day traveling around with me to the different stores and as I was just familiarizing myself with the style and it was, it was just really kind of him and I appreciated it so much at the time. I appreciate it still now.
Speaker 1: So the final impression that I want to leave of the sandy was
Speaker 1: it was fantastic. The aunties had all gotten up and done this dance which was, they had rehearsed a little bit, but they had, you know, kind of, they each kind of like one, it a little bit, it was a little bit off the cuff and it was really fantastic. Really fun, very clever.
Speaker 1: And about half an hour later, all of a sudden the uncles all all, it was like all of a sudden they were like, hey, we got to represent, we gotta represent and they got up and they all started doing this dancing that wound up getting the entire crowd on the floor dancing with them and I just thought that
Speaker 1: I felt like they almost were like competing with the aunties a little bit like
Speaker 1: we can bring down the house with the sand, you know, like it was fantastic and it was a lot of fun. It was great for me to see how much everyone, including his family and and her family's extended family and friends.
Speaker 1: What great dancers they are. It was unbelievable. They were also into it.
Speaker 2: The generosity of spirit. It was
Speaker 1: huge. It was
Speaker 2: amazing, spectacular.
Speaker 1: So that if you ever get a chance to go to a sandy, I say definitely go participate, have fun. It was amazing. And, and it was, it was so much about celebrating you and puja that night. It was really everything was done
Speaker 1: in honor of and for the two of you.
Speaker 2: You know, that's a good point and
Speaker 2: it's a nice transition because it's a bit in contrast in some ways to the ceremony itself the following day,
Speaker 1: which is funny because you'd think that the following day would be more about the two of you. But it's, it's really the wedding itself, as you told me on the wedding day is actually much more about the joining of the family's
Speaker 2: absolutely
Speaker 2: the sending side of my family, the traditions you don't marry until you're 30 and you eloped you run off and the justice of the peace and, and I just decided we couldn't do it. We were too close to our families. The opportunity of really for for having a wedding was to immediate and to present for us to to skip out and do something like that
Speaker 2: in many ways we really were thinking of this wedding as a family affair and I think that was a smart approach. I think one of the great things about weddings, this opportunity to introduce whole families
Speaker 1: and boy did we ever started off with a big introduction, the barrage,
Speaker 2: the next big event in a traditional indian wedding is which is the arrival of the groom and his family. Then you parade to the house of the bride and
Speaker 2: um once upon a time or in some parts of the world that's from one village to another. Sometimes oftentimes the groom is on an elephant or a horse if you've seen those pictures or if you're aware of the tradition that's often part of the Borat the groom processes with his family to the bride's house taps on the door is greeted by the bride's mother.
Speaker 2: Um we have had our Barack planned for two in the afternoon and as people were arriving for it, the rain came. So instead of Barack followed by a little reception, everybody went and took shelter in the tent. Um and we had a little uh spontaneous mix and mingle affair. The Borat reception was moved up and it was quickly passing storm, but it forced everyone sort of together
Speaker 2: very quickly
Speaker 1: And then it was like clockwork at 3:00,
Speaker 1: the sun burst out. The heat came up. The steam got turned on and it was time for the Borat
Speaker 2: and a cheer went up.
Speaker 1: So everyone was excited. It was
Speaker 2: like, it was literally exactly
Speaker 1: As the cellphone hit three, it was nuts.
Speaker 2: Um so we went down, we, we, we organized a quick Borat, we paraded up to the house and we got by the way,
Speaker 1: wait, we did slow down, go back, go back, go back, go back, give him the real picture of what happened. Bub, we drove uncle Billy's beamer,
Speaker 1: right,
Speaker 2: the spaceship of
Speaker 1: the spaceship convertible, tell them what music you had blaring out of the speaker system.
Speaker 2: So we started with James Brown, the big payback.
Speaker 2: We proceeded onto Fish Vegas 96. Some people know it as the theme from 2001
Speaker 2: and I know I mangled the original pronunciation of that. One of our listeners can help me, but
Speaker 1: it was everyone had noisemakers. Little alexander was in the car with you. We had streamers.
Speaker 1: It was much like a New Orleans two
Speaker 2: line. That's, you know, that's a good, that's a good parallel
Speaker 1: description. But it was dan was
Speaker 1: proudly encouraging everyone to, you know, like do you, you hoop, you, holler you cheer the bride's whole family is watching these total non indian family coming up like it was, they were very proud of us. It was nice. I feel like we represented with the Borat for having never done one, never experienced one before. I felt like we did a good job,
Speaker 2: many compliments and we were, we were greeted with great graciousness and when you welcomed me in
Speaker 1: and when we arrived all the women in the family were handing out roses to all the women in, in our family and that was, that was really beautiful part of it. But then, and then you marched up the steps by the way dan. This was, this was at a castle.
Speaker 1: Um, this was a little castle that was built and dan marched up the steps of the castle to greet pooja's mother and father
Speaker 2: rings the bell and knocked on the door. That's
Speaker 1: right. You rang the bell. That's very
Speaker 2: cool prayers and I get a tikka on my forehead and
Speaker 1: and describe to them what attica is, if they don't know
Speaker 2: the vermilion, the red that is applied to the, to the forehead between the eyes oftentimes with a little bit of rice as well.
Speaker 1: And for those wondering dan is wearing a tuxedo this day. He chose, he chose traditional Western garb for it.
Speaker 2: Absolutely. And I've been waiting to wear that tuxedo in my entire life. I felt like a million dollars. I got to tell you. And
Speaker 1: at this point you still, this isn't like when the, when the bride gets walked down the aisle and and the bride and groom's each other. This is about the parents.
Speaker 1: This, this is puja is still not seen, we still haven't seen puja at this point in the day yet.
Speaker 2: No, no, she, she had to figure she sat in the house while the rain happened while the Borat happened.
Speaker 2: So
Speaker 1: next is the ceremony
Speaker 2: off to the ceremony, ceremony took place in a field is a little bit, if you're familiar with the jewish ceremony,
Speaker 2: It's a four post
Speaker 2: um platform with silks adorning it and it's the ceremonial space that the wedding takes place in and
Speaker 2: um the ceremony itself was a combination was a mixed hindu and christian ceremony and I wanted to take a little step back in time to say as the, as the structure of the ceremony came together in the two weeks leading up to the wedding, the reverend and the priest sort of worked together to find the elements of the two ceremonies that supported each other and they wove back and forth between the christian and hindu traditions
Speaker 2: and as the structure of that ceremony actually came together, I started to feel really confident about the wedding. I started to say to myself, well if it rains or if the flowers don't arrive or um if we were able to pull off this particular ceremony, I'll be happy. Um and I'm curious LP from from your perspective, being inside, it felt very good.
Speaker 1: Two things that, that really stood out from my perspective, one um and and all of pooja's aunties and uncles told me as soon as I sat down near them, they said, this is a long ceremony, you can get up and go get food, go get drink, go stretch, go walk around, go talk to somebody else.
Speaker 1: It was, it was funny how you were kind of, it was different how you were encouraged to um, not just sit there and stare at what you two were doing the whole time, which was really kind of different um, and great for those who have Children and had to deal with kids who were, who were hot and sweaty and wondering what to do and that sort of thing. And
Speaker 2: it makes it more comfortable being part of the ceremony because you're not worried about missing something, they're just sitting there and they're uncomfortable in the heat. It's like someone's uncomfortable and get a cool lemonade
Speaker 1: and it's fine.
Speaker 2: Yeah,
Speaker 1: that and that I thought was really cool and very different. Um, in fact, I, I noticed the very few of the post side of the family moved at all during the ceremony. I was kind of like, I'm going to take them up on this. Um, the other thing that I, so the whole ceremony was from the most part was in Sanskrit, so
Speaker 1: I didn't know anything but a couple of things about that stood out to me one, the speed at which the prayers and words were said was was phenomenal. It it was fascinating. It was almost humorous and then, um, every now and again he would say no, pick that up or no, no, you stay home and it was to hear all of a sudden this beautiful language broken with a very quick instruction to the bride groom mother of the bride father, But whoever it was
Speaker 1: um in english about what they were to do or, or no, you need more oil or wait, wait, wait, hold on just a second, like you know, um it was, it added this kind of humorous aspect to it that I think really kept it lively for those who didn't understand the words that were being said. Um but also I felt like it brought in so much more and I'm not trying to say that the the hindi ceremony was better than um a western ceremony, but I felt like it brought in so much more like at one point he broke and said now pooja is their daughter in law.
Speaker 1: And and it was like this moment of, okay, this has now happened like this is now recognized by, you know, the gods that were making prayers to and the um families that we are, we're praying for the support of and the couple that you know, we're here supporting this, this is now real, this part of it and then it's like your turn, it's time to make you part of their family. And it's
Speaker 1: it's, it was really fascinating that part of it and then you guys did your seven year seven times around, was it the fire or is it just the circle?
Speaker 2: There's two different things that happened. Okay. There's the seven passages around the fire and then there's also seven steps,
Speaker 2: Okay. And and their their, their each, they have slightly different significance is the 7th
Speaker 2: steps for us were our version. We interpreted the seven steps as our vows, health strength, wealth, happiness,
Speaker 2: one for the Children, hopefully longevity and companionship. But then the circling around the fire,
Speaker 1: it was literally dan and puja were arm in arm
Speaker 1: with her bridal veil over her, walking around the fire and the offerings that were in the center of it.
Speaker 2: And we get showered by flower petals and rice and rice and reminding me is that there are roles for many of the family members are parents end up with us
Speaker 2: and there are roles that they play. We passed a coconut from her family to our family
Speaker 2: a moment that I had really been waiting for and it's something that happens a lot in traditional indian families in India where the groom will as a sign of respect, touch the feet of his in laws, the parents of his bride.
Speaker 2: And it was something that's just so foreign to me that it's something I've never done before. And it was something that particularly the planning of this wedding happened and coaches parents just did so much work, I felt so grateful to them
Speaker 2: and I got to a point where I really wanted to do, I was looking forward to doing it and where at one point in my life I have been like would I be comfortable doing that and
Speaker 2: I went to do it and they were like, no, no, don't. And I was like, no, you don't understand, I'm looking for about a week now. I've been thinking about this and then wanting to do this
Speaker 2: anyway. So there are opportunities for things like that that really have some significance and
Speaker 1: signs of respect and gratitude towards these people that are, are really becoming your family.
Speaker 1: Um, but the one thing that, you know, I heard the priest at the end say, um I now pronounce them husband and wife, but there was no kiss the bride tell me about
Speaker 2: that. No, there's
Speaker 1: no kiss the bride.
Speaker 2: Public displays of affection are, are very taboo in some cultures,
Speaker 1: wow
Speaker 2: and my understanding and because we didn't do this part of it. Oftentimes there's a particular
Speaker 2: part of the ceremony where the bride and the groom essentially blessed by the parents and they get a particular permission where kissing is then okay. And we actually hadn't hit that part of the ritual yet,
Speaker 1: you know that when people clink their glasses, that's a request that you guys kiss, Is that why you guys didn't kiss on the dance floor
Speaker 2: blissfully. No, I didn't know that during pooches in my first dance, there was a riot of clinking glasses and people like calling for kiss the bride and I just wasn't quite sure that that would,
Speaker 1: that would be appropriate. Yeah,
Speaker 2: right there.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Any other big standouts from the ceremony that we should, we should let them all know about.
Speaker 2: I mean lots of things I could go on and on. It
Speaker 1: was so very beautiful and she looks stunning in her entire
Speaker 2: post ceremony where I saw my father and he was talking to a good friend of Kamal's, the bride's father and the bride's father's friend was explaining to my father some of the significance of what had just happened essentially what duties he had just assumed
Speaker 2: as, as my father
Speaker 2: and he's telling my father, you know, this young man here me is really not that important. He's a nice accessory to this whole event, but it's really not about him. This event is much more about these families coming together. That, that his particular
Speaker 2: um spirit could have appeared somewhere else. But these families that have substance and the joining of these families has some real weight.
Speaker 2: And puja had assumed a really awesome responsibility that day, that it was now her duty to help care for my entire family.
Speaker 2: But he's like, you also assumed a very important duty that he's talking to my father.
Speaker 2: He says it's your job to keep this guy here pointing to me in line that he must be a good husband and it's important that that you hold him accountable in the same way that pooches accountable to you.
Speaker 2: Um, you're accountable to her, that you are willing to play your role of being sure that your son does his duties as her husband.
Speaker 2: It was something my father, I saw him sort of register that and look at me and I appreciated hearing some of that perspective.
Speaker 1: Well, I think our whole family loves peaches so much and I mean I know I felt that when she and I hugged a number of times throughout the day, I just I felt
Speaker 1: I literally felt the love coming from her heart to my heart. Like it was so there and it was so clear and so palpable. Um that I think I can represent our entire family and saying that we are so thrilled
Speaker 1: to have puja a part of our family to have her looking out for us and to be looking out for her.
Speaker 2: I couldn't agree more and I think that's a great place to leave this discussion with just how incredibly I thought she was just stunning in every way. I thought she was loving and generous and gracious and
Speaker 2: I couldn't be happier to be married to her. Oh,
Speaker 1: wonderful. Well with that. Should we end this show on an etiquette salute?
Speaker 2: I think we should. Do you think we should?
Speaker 2: But there's so much to learn how to do. Sure. There's a lot to learn, but it's worth it. And learning is easy. One way is by watching others.
Speaker 2: Mhm.
Speaker 1: Well, each week we like to end our show on a positive note with an etiquette salute and today's salute begins.
Speaker 1: This was a few years ago but it still brings up such warm memories. The house next to ours had been on the market for months and we heard rumors that someone had finally purchased it. This was confirmed when construction and renovations on the house began. We wondered who our new neighbors would be until one day an envelope arrived in the mail. It was a note from our new neighbors, Jack and Sophie
Speaker 1: apologizing for the disturbance from the work crews.
Speaker 1: We thought this was totally unnecessary, though polite and very courteous. But then we saw enclosed a gift certificate for my husband and me to go out to a local upscale restaurant, wow! What a nice way to begin. What has been a very pleasant relationship since then, I still appreciate Jack and Sophie's kind and thoughtful gesture to this day,
Speaker 1: Elena
Speaker 1: and I thought that was just a nice
Speaker 2: good neighbor.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Hooray for good neighbors! Exactly,
Speaker 2: thank you for sharing Maddalena. That is a sweet story. And it's a great idea anybody out there who's planning a little disturbance in the future might be a real opportunity to cement a relationship with someone who could be negatively affected.
Speaker 2: Well, now wasn't that better look at the effect of a little politeness? Well, thanks for sticking with us. That's our slightly longer and very special show for today. As always, thank you for listening and spending some of your day with us. We hope you have a wonderful rest of your week. I know I'm going to
Speaker 1: bet you're going to
Speaker 1: and don't forget there's no show without you. So send us your questions, especially your etiquette salutes
Speaker 1: and your suggestions to awesome etiquette at Emily Post dot
Speaker 2: com. If you like what you hear, don't be shy, tweet it facebook post it and of course you can subscribe on itunes and leave us a review
Speaker 1: on facebook where the Emily Post Institute actually, now we're on facebook as awesome etiquette.
Speaker 2: We are indeed. And look there for wedding pictures over the coming week. I don't have them all yet but we will get some up.
Speaker 1: They will be coming on twitter. I'm at lizzie a post
Speaker 2: and I'm at Daniel underscore post
Speaker 1: or you can visit our soon to be updated website Emily Post dot com.
Speaker 2: Our theme music was composed and performed by bob Wagner
Speaker 1: and our show is produced and edited by the wonderful hans butto.
Speaker 2: Mm hmm.
Speaker 2: Okay,
Speaker 2: mm hmm.
Speaker 2: Um
Speaker 1: mm hmm.