Episode 404 - On Tablets

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Speaker 1: maybe it's just that you don't know how to use social courtesy that's old fashioned

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Speaker 1: act as host and hostess. They know that courtesy means showing respect, thinking of the other person, real friendliness.

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Speaker 1: Hello and welcome to awesome etiquette where we explore modern etiquette through the lens of consideration, respect and honesty. On today's show, we take your questions on people who interrupt your conversations at large events,

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Speaker 1: tracking monetary gifts from your wedding and whether or not it's okay to share that information.

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Speaker 1: Old family feuds and whether or not it's appropriate to make handwritten cards on tablets for awesome etiquette sustaining members. Our question of the week is about unwanted company plus your most excellent feedback etiquette salute and a postscript on using someone's second home just in time for summer.

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Speaker 1: All that's coming up

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Speaker 1: awesome etiquette comes to you from the studios of our home offices in Vermont and is proud to be produced by the Emily Post Institute. I'm lizzie Post and I'm dan post Senning, hey, how's it going, lizzie Post? I feel like my life is a checklist. I mean I know most of the time life that is hysterical checklist all the time,

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Speaker 1: but like right now I feel like

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Speaker 1: no caffeine is as good as the adrenaline I get from needing to get things done in order to get out the door and meet that ferry to Martha's vineyard tomorrow I've got things marked down to the half hour of, of what I'm doing when I'm doing where I'm going. You know everything what I've got a pact what I've got to pack for sonny, what I've got to pack for the house is what I've got to pack for food.

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Speaker 1: It's like there's just, there are lists and schedules all over the place and it has got me like jazzed up and just so ready to go and engage and like be with the world I guess. So in some ways you're on vacation already.

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Speaker 1: I, I don't know if I call this feeling like vacation, but it's definitely the prep for vacation. I did a Costco trip to stock the houses that had um, it was so big. I couldn't do it all in one trip physically just me. Like I couldn't push the cart with all the, and it was the big cart, the flat cart, not like cart cart,

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Speaker 1: couldn't, couldn't push it, had to put stuff back just to be able to move myself to the register

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Speaker 1: And then I gotta go back today and do the rest of it. But it's um no, it's definitely definitely been uh an an adventure in the next 24 hours until I reach the ferry. Tomorrow will also be an adventure. But I'm

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Speaker 1: I'm like stoked, I'm ready to go if I feel a little too intense today guys, that's probably why it is not a double caffeine day for me.

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Speaker 1: I thought I was a Costco pro

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Speaker 1: but I've never overstocked one of the flat carts. But well it's like you have to get things like four things of paper towels, you know, like three or four jugs of laundry detergent, like you're not getting just like one of each thing. You're getting multiples of lots of big things,

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Speaker 1: but you

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Speaker 1: do something that I wish I had taken advantage of before I went on this particular trip, you do the order online thing and not only could this is not an advertisement for Costco by the way, they do not sponsor the podcast, but when you order online, you're, you're saving a certain percentage apparently, especially for orders like as large as the one I'm doing.

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Speaker 1: And it would have been way smarter for me to just go through order online and pick up the way you pick up and then give someone a really big tip when I'm picking up.

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Speaker 1: Well you've, you've only got to be organized a week ahead of time to do that. So maybe it's not possible

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Speaker 1: next time. Next time I'm going to be even more organized, Even more organized. Could I tell our audience about a fun thing that happened yesterday? Yes, you can. So I forget even what it was that you and I were working on but we were talking about something actually was podcast related. It's about podcast hosting and

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Speaker 1: oh yes, we were wrapping our call and I kind of drifted back to my computer to check a couple of things on the computer while we were wrapping up and

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Speaker 1: on my browser, I have all these tabs open and one of them was open to amazon because I had recently been ordering Emily post etiquette books for our trainers and because I've been ordering so many Emily post etiquette books and I just completed the sale and that's where I had left the screen. Amazon was suggesting things to me that I might be interested in, related to the purchases had recently been making and

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Speaker 1: one of the things that it suggested I do was follow you as an author. So I said, oh I've never done that before. I should follow lizzie post as an author on amazon and

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Speaker 1: when I did that it gave me a list of the books that you were associated with and on that list of books was something that neither of us expected to see there quite yet.

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Speaker 1: And it looks beautiful as he posed. It looks so good. It was so exciting what it is because telling what it is to see the listing. I see I have little little Children so I like to keep them hanging on right. It works with me to Emily post etiquette. The centennial edition is available for pre order on amazon. I know we were both on amazon at the same time and I as soon as you started typing it, I was like I'm typing it into my search bar right now and it popped up and it does look so incredibly beautiful.

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Speaker 1: This is the very earliest stages of our, our marketing and promotion of the book and getting it into places like amazon and Barnes and noble and independent bookseller websites to be able to share a pre by link.

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Speaker 1: And so some of the details on the pages may change as they get updated and

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Speaker 1: honed to be exactly the way we want to be presenting them. But it was incredibly exciting to see the book there. They have a beautiful three D version of it. The book looks stunning. I'm like so thrilled with the color and the gold foil and everything. It's, it's really coming together beautifully.

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Speaker 1: I'm going to be very excited to share that link and just so that our audience knows

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Speaker 1: we will be sharing that link via our newsletter. So do please sign up for our newsletter so that you can get that link as soon as it's available. We'll probably do social as well because you know, you want to share it as much as your audience as possible. And of course to our listeners over on Patreon. So keep an eye out

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Speaker 1: that pre order link is coming very, very soon and

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Speaker 1: y'all this book looks so good. I am so excited for you to see it. It was a really fun moment dan thank you for bringing me back to that. Well, it's, it's and it is early. We, we, we we hadn't been notified that it was even up yet because it is still

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Speaker 1: in development, I think I think the book was listed as thumb index, which it is not just not. Yeah, exactly. And I will say the image of it looks a little thicker than the book actually is. So I was like, okay, no, take note, take note. But so there are some little tweaks that are still coming to how we're displaying and presenting the book. But it was very satisfying to see it up there on,

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Speaker 1: on the great old amazon.

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Speaker 1: Well, it somehow felt to me like a confirmation from the rest of the world that this really was happening, that we haven't been living in a fantasy land for a while or something. The book had been delivered and it was in intact enough and complete enough shape that the publisher was trusting that it would be available enough to actually start to

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Speaker 1: put the pieces in place that are going to make the whole launch and sharing of pre order links possible in the very near future. We're definitely starting to hit really exciting times, especially as we move through this summer.

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Speaker 1: We also still have the audio book to record, which I'm really excited about that will be happening later on in july

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Speaker 1: and, and even some events that people were willing to book before the book is actually available. So I'm, I'm feeling, I'm feeling the rush, I'm feeling the start to everything and I'm very excited our post script today actually deals with the very last section of the book before you get to the afterward.

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Speaker 1: Um, and so it'll be fun to, to dive into that. We think it'll have some really good useful tips for summer vacations.

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Speaker 1: Well, that's a tease for the post script. But before we get there we have some questions to answer. Yes we do.

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Speaker 1: Shall we get to it? Let's do it. Let's do it.

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Speaker 1: Awesome etiquette is here to answer your questions. You can email them to awesome etiquette at Emily Post dot com. You can also leave us a voicemail or text and we love to hear your voice at 802858 kind that's 8028585463. You can also reach us on social media on twitter. We are at Emily Post inst on instagram, we are at Emily Post Institute and on facebook were awesome etiquette. Just remember use the hashtag awesome etiquette with your post so that we know you want your question on the show.

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Speaker 1: Mm hmm.

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Speaker 1: Our first question is titled cut in on conversation.

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Speaker 1: Hi lizzie and dan, If I met a large social gathering and I'm talking to someone and then someone else approaches that person and starts talking to them. What should I do?

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Speaker 1: Sometimes I'm able to hop into the conversation if it feels appropriate. But if it seems like a private conversation or is not relevant to me,

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Speaker 1: it would feel so awkward to just stand there while they talk. Do I excuse myself and walk away? It can be frustrating when I'm in the flow of a good conversation and then it gets interrupted. Is there a good way to pick up the conversation where we left off? How do I gracefully handle this type of situation? Confused conversationalist,

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Speaker 1: uh, confused conversationalist. Let's see if we can address a lot of questions that you ask in this relatively short question

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Speaker 1: and remove some of that confusion.

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Speaker 1: This is kind of a classic etiquette question in a lot of ways. How do you handle conversations? How do you handle introductions? How do you handle interruptions and lizzie post? I can go on and on about this one, so feel free to jump in at any point. But I want to start with some broad

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Speaker 1: advice to everyone out there who's listening and that's that

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Speaker 1: making introductions

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Speaker 1: is one of the most essential and fundamental social skills, both

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Speaker 1: professionally and socially, personally,

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Speaker 1: if you are in conversation with someone and someone else approaches who you know, and

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Speaker 1: the obvious and polite thing to do would be to acknowledge them. The other obvious and polite thing to do is to introduce that person to the person who you were already in conversation with.

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Speaker 1: And it doesn't need to be an elaborate production that doesn't need to take a lot of time, but a very quick

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Speaker 1: Hi, so and so

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Speaker 1: do you know, so and so this is my friend from X, Y or Z. Or this is someone I just met or whatever it is, Whatever the relationship is defining what's going on and introducing people that don't know each other instantly includes everyone and just erases this whole problem right from the start. And is something that's worth

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Speaker 1: thinking about and practicing if you're not comfortable or familiar with it so that people like confused conversationalists don't end up

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Speaker 1: feeling left out or excluded

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Speaker 1: dan. There's something that you did in there that I actually think is really important to take note of. You asked. Oh, do you know? So and so and I really love the ask when you're in this exact type of situation, whether it's a wedding or it's some type of conference that you're at or maybe it's even just like a sporting event.

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Speaker 1: I love the idea of asking first because people might know each other already, meaning you don't need to make the introduction. And that ask gives you such an excellent in to the introduction if it does need to be made. And I think it would

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Speaker 1: create that sense of inclusion and respect and basic manner

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Speaker 1: that confused conversationalist is looking for. I experienced this all the time. I think most people do at really big events where you don't know everybody and you're happy to be chatting with someone and maybe you're even really excited about the conversation, whether it's,

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Speaker 1: you know, because you're I don't know, maybe you're interested in the person, right, a little bit of flirting going on or maybe it's that

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Speaker 1: this is a client that you've really wanted to land for a while, so you're so glad to have a moment to bend their ear or maybe it's just a friend or relative that you haven't talked to in a really long time and you're finally getting a chance to catch up with them, you're invested and excited or you've got some great point in your head and then all of a sudden it all poof just disappears when this other person walks up.

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Speaker 1: And I especially appreciated the the description of what seems like a private conversation starts then that I do find to be fairly rude when you walk up to a group that's talking to just kind of sees the conversation away from whatever was going on. I don't find that to be particularly polite behavior. I think as the person entering, you really want to try to gauge what's going on and I would say wade into the conversation in the group rather than come and cannonball your way into it or drag everybody to a totally different event. You know, I think that it's it's really important to be aware of that when you're the person coming in,

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Speaker 1: but when you're the person who this has happened to,

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Speaker 1: I think that doing a couple of things can help to maybe create that group dynamic again, but what I don't try to worry too too much about is reclaiming the conversation that has just been interrupted, likely

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Speaker 1: that's gone and you just want to make that mental note, okay, I want to try to talk to this person again, or

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Speaker 1: you know, I will catch up with them later, kind of the same thing, but it can feel really deflating and frustrating, and I think that's real, and I don't think you can get rid of the feeling that happens there, but I do think that being able to

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Speaker 1: just yourself roll with whatever is going on is going to be easier than getting frustrated,

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Speaker 1: um or being really, really upset about it. So I kind of try to keep that reassurance in my back pocket. I can try again later. This just went a totally different direction, you know, and it is a piece of conversation advice that we give that

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Speaker 1: you can't always say everything that you're thinking and that one tactic that people who are really good at conversation employee is remembering those things that they wanted to talk about with someone and bringing them up later on,

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Speaker 1: it shows that you're invested that you're interested and also that

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Speaker 1: you can remember things you can you can keep the threat of a conversation sometimes, not just while it's happening, but over hours or days or much longer frames of time. It's a way to really deepen relationships in a lot of ways, and it's a skill that's worth practicing that

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Speaker 1: returning to something that you had been interested in, that you've been engaged with someone about,

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Speaker 1: but doing it at a time when it's appropriate and easy for the two of you to continue that conversation dan. I feel like this is also one of those things where when we feel the impact of not so great behavior or even slightly impolite behavior, it can make us be better when we're in that situation on the flip side.

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Speaker 1: So I I loved everything you said about how to make introductions when you're the person who can in that particular moment.

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Speaker 1: And I also really love the idea of being the person who let's say you do really want to be distracted or taken off or even you have to go when that that third party walks up to this conversation that you're having and and you realize, oh, this does does have to end be the person who says,

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna come find you later because I want to finish our conversation, I was really enjoying it. You know, it can go both ways both in consoling yourself that you'll try again later, but also

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Speaker 1: when you're the person being pulled away actively saying,

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Speaker 1: I really want to catch up with you more on this for a minute, you know, or I don't want to lose this this thread of conversation. I think that that can also make the other that that

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Speaker 1: third person now feel really comfortable and also understand that you understood that an interruption just occurred and that that wasn't something you were hoping to have happened to the conversation you were having.

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Speaker 1: I want to investigate that idea a little bit more once the interruption has occurred because we're so keyed on preventive steps. That's the place where I want to start the answer. But when you find yourself in this situation, when the person that you've been talking to hasn't introduced you to the newcomer or maybe they don't know the newcomer.

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Speaker 1: So either the person has failed to make an introduction and that's a little rude or

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Speaker 1: the person who's interrupting has interrupted in a way where they haven't introduced themselves or join the conversation but have really taken it over

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Speaker 1: how you handle that moment, I think is another one of those opportunities to test your good etiquette when confronted with a situation that's not the most polite and because I'm working with a five year old and a three year old on these skills right now, I'm reminded that some of the best skills for adults or the skills we learned when we're very young and

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Speaker 1: learning how to wait for a pause in conversation to join in and participate is something that you can do as the person that's been interrupted, that you don't need to make a show of your frustration in that moment. You don't need to storm off in a huff or

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Speaker 1: ignore the newcomer and try to re engage with the previous conversation.

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Speaker 1: But you can participate in the ways that you can participate, which is stand there quietly, listen, make eye contact

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Speaker 1: and if there is an opportunity to contribute or join into that conversation, you take it when the moment arrives, when there's a lull or a pause in conversation or

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Speaker 1: hopefully someone there includes you in some way mentions you or through body language or eye contact re engages you in that conversation or attempts to draw you back in and being willing to join in those moments and include everybody I think shows a lot of grace and a lot of poise. I think so too. I also think

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Speaker 1: exiting well like knowing when to exit. Well when something has shifted, I think often of couples at their wedding

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Speaker 1: where their attention is being, you know, pulled in 10 different directions at once often and as these wonderful honorees and you might be talking with that happy couple and then something or someone comes over to move them on to the next part of the,

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Speaker 1: of the festivities or whatever it is. Or

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Speaker 1: maybe some guests who are going to be leaving are coming over and they interrupt your conversation in order to say goodbye and that actually looks like it's going to be a long goodbye, not a short goodbye you as the person who's who's been interrupted and aren't a part of the new conversation going on can also just say

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Speaker 1: you know jane, I'll catch up with you soon. It's been great talking to you and exit that conversation well as well. So rather than kind of

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Speaker 1: I feel like you've been dismissed or ignored and have to kind of slink away or sulk away. I think you can also take a bit of confidence in just owning the ending of that conversation and doing it well,

00:20:11

Speaker 1: I couldn't agree. More lazy pose. Excuse me. Is a magic word and excusing yourself whether you use that exact word or

00:20:18

Speaker 1: some other combination of words that communicate, that is so important,

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Speaker 1: confused conversationalist. This kind of situation can be so awkward. Thank you for the really rich question and for giving us a chance to talk about a bunch of different angles around it.

00:20:33

Speaker 1: We really hope that our answer helps. Of course he does have a special reason for good manners right now. But good manners are comfortable and natural and easy for him now because they're with him all day

00:20:48

Speaker 1: all day.

00:20:49

Speaker 1: Well, let's see.

00:20:51

Speaker 1: Mhm.

00:20:52

Speaker 1: Our next question is titled marriage and monetary gifts. We are delighted that melissa left this question as a voicemail

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Speaker 2: Hi, dani and Lizzy. My name is melissa. And I have an etiquette question about wedding gift amounts. My husband and I got married several years ago and at that time my lovely in laws said it was a good idea to Mark down

00:21:13

Speaker 2: who gave a gift and what they gave including amounts if it was a monetary contribution, we thought that was fine. So we kept that list

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Speaker 2: well over the past couple of years, my in laws check in every now and then to confirm how much someone gave us as a wedding present.

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Speaker 2: If they are invited to a wedding of their Children, for example, some of their family friends, they've gone to weddings recently and they've directly asked us how much they gave us as a wedding present. I think the idea is they want to match the same amount

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Speaker 2: to me. That's

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Speaker 2: a little weird. I you know, I believe in giving what's appropriate for their circumstance and you know, in honoring of that relationship and they shouldn't be

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Speaker 2: beholden to the same amount that we were given. So I would like to tell them, oh I'm so sorry I lost the list and then never have to answer those questions again. It feels too personal. Um curious if this is typical, curious if this is

00:22:10

Speaker 2: Connecticut to match the same amount, I've never heard that personally and I would love to know your feedback. Thank you both so much for the work you do. It's much appreciated by

00:22:20

Speaker 1: Melissa, thank you so much for the question and this is, this is kind of a little awkward one. It's another little awkward one Dan.

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Speaker 1: I can, I can totally understand where melissa is coming from on this one.

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Speaker 1: It's almost like you kind of wish the in laws had made their own list of uh, I guess what people are giving, but because they weren't the ones getting married to have the convenient list for kind of what all the, the cousins and and extended family might be giving at each other's weddings, they can't be. And so you can kind of see what's going on here, you know?

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Speaker 1: Um and I both appreciate it and really appreciate how awkward it is. I want to start this answer off by letting Melissa know that we, we agree that this typically when it comes to gift giving, you give based on your own budget, your own comfort levels, your own enthusiasm

00:23:19

Speaker 1: as opposed to giving because someone gave you a certain amount.

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Speaker 1: And yet I don't feel somehow like sharing that good piece of etiquette advice with your in laws would

00:23:34

Speaker 1: make this situation better. Like I think the in laws are operating from a place of this is how they want to gift give, it's how they feel, comfortable gift giving. And so rather than try to change their perspective on it,

00:23:51

Speaker 1: I do kind of lean in with melissa to the idea of, so how do we just let them know that the list doesn't exist anymore? And

00:23:58

Speaker 1: the only way I think you can get away with that dan is to just do do the actual deletion of the list or throw the list out so that you don't have it anymore. Does that sound gasp worthy. Does that sound ridiculous? Like it's what's coming to mind for me?

00:24:12

Speaker 1: No, you and lizzie post the first time we listened to this, I heard you laugh at the idea that you might just tell them the list didn't exist. And I know that you were laughing about that because it's funny the deception is funny because you wouldn't really do it.

00:24:28

Speaker 1: But if you did delete the list, if you didn't have it, then that becomes honest and true reply. And

00:24:37

Speaker 1: I don't think it would be strange to let a list like that go in your life. I certainly have a wedding folder that has all kinds of odds and ends in it that I hung on to. But I don't know what's in there. And there's a very good chance that there are lots of things that have been deleted out of there. And

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Speaker 1: I think if you can honestly tell someone, you know, I just haven't held onto that list.

00:24:59

Speaker 1: That is not a terrible way to deal with this situation and you're not

00:25:03

Speaker 1: being forced to share information that makes you uncomfortable and you're also operating from a place of honesty. And

00:25:10

Speaker 1: I think that's definitely one route that you could go.

00:25:14

Speaker 1: One of the things that strikes me about this question is that it's such a natural thing for someone to wonder what is the expectation of me around this gift giving? We get versions of this question at the Emily Post Institute often

00:25:26

Speaker 1: and it is a tricky place to be in where you want to help someone out there. Oftentimes is

00:25:32

Speaker 1: a social standard at a certain event or a certain within a certain family. And having some idea of what that is can be helpful in making that personal gift giving

00:25:43

Speaker 1: decision

00:25:45

Speaker 1: in a lot of ways that there's a sense of fairness that comes up when I hear this question also that that they're wanting to be equitable, they're wanting to treat people the way they treat others. And these are all Yeah, yeah. And these are all admirable things to to try for.

00:26:02

Speaker 1: And at the same time it's not the most important thing in the situation. And I was I was really hoping that you would say it in your answer was you post and you did your fundamental idea that gift giving really comes from a personal place. It's a decision that's up to you. And that that really needs to be the thing that guides you on the most fundamental level. And

00:26:25

Speaker 1: if asking for all of the details creates awkwardness for someone else. It's okay for them not to share that. And it's wise to think about the way you ask that question because it can put someone in an awkward position of telling you how much to spend in a situation or giving you direction about gift giving when

00:26:45

Speaker 1: the idea is really that it comes from you,

00:26:47

Speaker 1: it would not surprise me if melissa does get rid of this list and the next time her in laws asked, she says, oh we got rid of the list if the follow up question is what do you, how much do you think we should give them?

00:27:00

Speaker 1: And that that I think is a different thing than what did they give you? So that we can give them the same amount, you know what I mean? Um And but I I and Melissa, I certainly hope I'm I'm not putting words in your mouth, but I would guess that that would be an easier question to answer

00:27:20

Speaker 1: because you already had the etiquette answer to it is well what is works for your budget? What what feels like a good amount to you? You know? Um And I think you could probably guide them really nicely to an amount that they feel good about but by getting rid of that list and feeling confident in letting them know that you've gotten rid of that list.

00:27:38

Speaker 1: You you push the conversation to a different place and I think that might make your experience with it better

00:27:44

Speaker 1: lizzie post. I'm wondering, what do you think about if you didn't actually want to delete the list because you wanted it for your own purposes saying something like it's not available to me or I don't have it at hand or you can use language to do that kind of stuff for sure. You know how how close do you want to get to telling the truth or telling those mickey mouse lies, you know?

00:28:08

Speaker 1: But for me if I wanted to keep

00:28:11

Speaker 1: the people like the guest list, there's nothing wrong with keeping a guest list from your own wedding, you know I mean as you said dan, yours turned into your christmas list christmas card list, excuse me. But it might just be that you choose to you know I'm picturing a spreadsheet here by the way um that you choose to delete the columns where you know the amounts

00:28:31

Speaker 1: you know and you just that that's that's part of it and you might say oh we don't use that list to keep track of that anymore, you know or like we don't we don't have that list in the same form than it used to be anymore so I don't have that information

00:28:44

Speaker 1: but there's nothing wrong with you keeping you know that guest list that you've had and my guess is that you probably have that on a separate spreadsheet somewhere because you had to send that to a printer's or calligraphers or sit down yourself and you know handwrite your invitations however it is that you choose to do it.

00:29:01

Speaker 1: But yeah you know me, I go I go up to the line of like kind of toying with things a bit and then I start to back off and just want to be like honest and open about things?

00:29:12

Speaker 1: I, I do understand that and here's a final question for you as a master of sample scripts, is there a sample script

00:29:20

Speaker 1: that sounds okay to you that says something along the lines of

00:29:25

Speaker 1: I'd rather not share that or that acknowledges that, that you've got it, but that it's not something that you want to share. I think if I was going to try to do that that rather than focus on the list itself and my giving of the list to them or reading something off the list to them,

00:29:45

Speaker 1: I would instead say, you know, I've been thinking about this and

00:29:49

Speaker 1: great place by the way to drop in mention of Emily Post or the podcast

00:29:53

Speaker 1: and I remember reading an Emily Post or hearing on the Emily Post podcast that

00:29:59

Speaker 1: gifts really, it doesn't matter what they gave to you, it's okay to give whatever feels right,

00:30:05

Speaker 1: you know, for you giving to them and that that might be the way that you you redirect that and and say, you know,

00:30:13

Speaker 1: not so much, I have the list and I'm not going to give it to you, but oh, you know, I was thinking about that from the from the last time we went through this and then I heard about this

00:30:22

Speaker 1: and so if that helps you don't, you know, you actually don't need to know what they gave us for a wedding gift in order to give them a really great wedding gift that's going to be totally appropriate.

00:30:33

Speaker 1: And I think that that might be a way to redirect them.

00:30:36

Speaker 1: I'm not going to guarantee that it's gonna work. Like they might still say no, no, no, can you just tell me what they got you? You know, some people really do just operate that way. Um and for that, to me it starts to be how worth it is it to you to tell your in laws no, on this, You know what I mean? It's like,

00:30:56

Speaker 1: that's where I start to weigh the relationships and how I feel about them and does this

00:31:01

Speaker 1: slightly awkward moment for me create just way more awkwardness if I, if I stick up for myself to not have the slightly awkward moment, or is it something that maybe with a couple of nudges, they can, they can pick up what I'm throwing down, that would be my hope.

00:31:16

Speaker 1: Or instead do you do the thing of now we got rid of the list. Just give them what you feel comfortable with and

00:31:22

Speaker 1: you know, you'll probably know their budget a bit bit better than dan or I would, so you might even be able to suggest some things that might make sense to them,

00:31:30

Speaker 1: but also at this point, they've probably given enough gifts at weddings that, that they should feel confident given giving whatever is within their uh their budgetary range, you know?

00:31:41

Speaker 1: Yeah, I was thinking of sample scripts in my mind and I was struggling back and forth between

00:31:47

Speaker 1: the language of,

00:31:49

Speaker 1: I'm not comfortable sharing that much detail about gifts and I'd rather not share that information and, and if there's the rather not as a softening that allows some room for them to follow up, whereas the, I'm not comfortable really is drawing a firmer line.

00:32:07

Speaker 1: It definitely complicates things if you shared that information with the same person before and then I would add some language like continue, I I'm not comfortable continuing to reference this list when we're making decisions about gift giving or I'd rather not continue to reference this list

00:32:27

Speaker 1: or I'd rather not continue to share details from this list when we're doing gift exchanges, but comfortable rather continue. Those were all the words that I was starting to play with with for a sample script.

00:32:40

Speaker 1: I like what you're doing with that sample script there, dan I really, really do. It start like when I was starting to hear it, especially the kind of second round that you gave where you added the continue,

00:32:51

Speaker 1: it started to feel like, oh that actually I could hear that conversation happening, I could hear, I could hear that soft but firm no and redirection happening there. I really like it. I really like it

00:33:03

Speaker 1: melissa. We couldn't agree more that this is definitely an awkward situation and that you've got the right perspective for your own gift giving and we really hope that your in laws are going to be able to pick up on that perspective and run with it.

00:33:18

Speaker 1: Well, look around

00:33:20

Speaker 1: perhaps the less said about this kind of manners the better

00:33:24

Speaker 1: maybe.

00:33:25

Speaker 1: Mhm

00:33:26

Speaker 1: No.

00:33:28

Speaker 1: Mm hmm.

00:33:31

Speaker 1: Our next question is titled Wishes and wills.

00:33:35

Speaker 1: I'm in a difficult situation. My father, 68 years old recently passed away

00:33:41

Speaker 1: but knowing it was coming, he made it a point to give me his parents wedding rings.

00:33:47

Speaker 1: It was a failed marriage and they had a messy divorce after 40 years of marriage. But I really loved my grandmother and it was what my dad wanted to pass down to me

00:33:59

Speaker 1: Unbeknownst to me, after my grandmother passed 15 years ago,

00:34:03

Speaker 1: supposedly there was a heated argument between my dad and his sister over who got what and supposedly my dad just took all of the jewelry.

00:34:13

Speaker 1: Not much of it had any value. Honestly, it was mostly costume jewelry and my aunt hasn't seen it since.

00:34:21

Speaker 1: Well now it has come out that I had been given my grandmother's ring and my aunt is very upset about it. She's not angry at me by any means but upset because she wanted it.

00:34:34

Speaker 1: I'm now left in the middle of their old disagreement.

00:34:38

Speaker 1: I don't want to upset my father's dying wish is for me to have it,

00:34:42

Speaker 1: but I don't want my aunt to be upset that she doesn't have it

00:34:46

Speaker 1: to add more. My dad's wife was there to witness that he gave it to me and I don't want to upset her too. If I decided to give it to my aunt,

00:34:56

Speaker 1: I don't like being in this position, but I'd hate for my dad to look down on me and be upset that I gave away the one heirloom he designated to me.

00:35:06

Speaker 1: But I don't want my favorite aunt to be upset.

00:35:08

Speaker 1: I love her very much. I would never sell them neither would she. It's 100% for sentimental value.

00:35:16

Speaker 1: Can you help me decide what the best decision is? Thank you Ashley Ashley. We'd like to offer our condolences on the recent passing of your father.

00:35:25

Speaker 1: That is a very difficult time for many people and it's not made any easier when there's confusion about,

00:35:34

Speaker 1: about a will or about things that are being inherited or being passed down.

00:35:40

Speaker 1: It might be some comfort to know that you're not alone in facing this kind of a difficulty that these sorts of miscommunications happen within families. They happen between people who are very close who love and respect each other.

00:35:55

Speaker 1: And it doesn't make it any any easier to navigate that situation. But it might make it easier to

00:36:02

Speaker 1: to remember that it's not a comment on anybody in particular who's involved here. You or your aunt or your father or mother or grandfather or grandmother that

00:36:13

Speaker 1: these types of things are hard to navigate that oftentimes there is something that is of sentimental value and more than one person is interested in it or

00:36:23

Speaker 1: different promises or offers have been made by different people or at different times in their life. And that that creates confusion and difficulty. Unfortunately, there's not

00:36:34

Speaker 1: a good piece of etiquette advice. There's not a particular rule of etiquette, there's not something in the centennial edition of Emily post etiquette that we can refer to

00:36:44

Speaker 1: that says this is the

00:36:45

Speaker 1: system or the way this type of thing should be handled. Ultimately, it's a very personal decision for you

00:36:53

Speaker 1: and the other members of your family to make both, how you handle it and also how you feel about it and how you move forward, whatever

00:37:01

Speaker 1: the outcome is in terms of who gets to keep this ring or whether it's shared dan. You're so right about all of that. It all of it, it is really personal. It happens in really different ways and the situation that Ashley is in is not uncommon

00:37:18

Speaker 1: and that means that there are a lot of options. It would probably be okay if you kept the ring. It would probably be okay if you gave it to your aunt. And it might also be okay if you end up finding a way to share it with her. That's actually what we do with my, some of my other grandmother's jewelry on the other side of my family

00:37:37

Speaker 1: is that it lives in certain houses and if my sister or I want to borrow it, we are allowed to borrow it, but we have to, you know, it's like it's a clear

00:37:47

Speaker 1: borrowing and it's clear where the item is housed and where it lives and kind of under what circumstances it gets used.

00:37:54

Speaker 1: I've found that that works really well. I think dan that our post family does that with Emily's china as well when we go to like big christmas events and stuff, I know that there are dishes that come from like two or three different houses and um and I know our puzzles also, you know,

00:38:11

Speaker 1: some of them are a little valuable, but because they're a little more beaten up over the years, you know, not really about the monetary value, but the sentimental and the entertainment value of them.

00:38:21

Speaker 1: Um and those all get brought or they're supposed to all get brought to christmas and then switched around so that every year each family has access to different puzzles from the collection. So there are different ways that you could handle this. But

00:38:37

Speaker 1: one thing that I'm thinking or that my inclination would be to do in this situation would would be to talk to my aunt and just let her know that I personally felt badly about learning about the history of how how this ring came to be in my possession

00:38:55

Speaker 1: and I think being open and honest about that might be something that feels good and and if it doesn't don't

00:39:01

Speaker 1: don't go that route, but I would have a tendency to probably want to lean in that direction and then offer to share it to both honor my dad's wishes, which were pretty clear and also recognized my aunt's connection to this item and her mother and and how much it would mean to her.

00:39:18

Speaker 1: And hopefully going down that route might have a chance at that kind of winning across the board. You know,

00:39:25

Speaker 1: I'm a little less concerned about what sounds like a step mom in this situation or or a dad's, you know, second wife or another wife and and her impression of it. But that's that's just me. I'd be a little bit more concerned about my own feelings of my dad's wishes and honoring them. As well as the revelation that my aunt's wishes were really ignored and finding a way to hopefully incorporate some of them. I like your impulse is supposed to want to share. I think that that is admirable and

00:39:57

Speaker 1: might work very well, particularly with an aunt who you have a good relationship with, where you could make very clear

00:40:05

Speaker 1: how you would want to handle something like that.

00:40:09

Speaker 1: I also think that if you decide not to go that route, if you do decide to keep it yourself,

00:40:15

Speaker 1: that I think the same advice about talking to your aunt still applies that it's really a shame when possessions come between people and come between family and particularly between family that love and care for each other.

00:40:30

Speaker 1: And if you can not letting the awkward feelings around the ring. Whatever route

00:40:36

Speaker 1: you decided to go with it,

00:40:38

Speaker 1: interrupt or several. Communication within the family is important and that communication isn't guaranteed to make your aunt feel any better or solve the situation. But because you're able to talk about it, she can understand where you're coming from. You have an opportunity to tell her about

00:40:56

Speaker 1: your feelings about what it meant to your father and what it means to you to have it. Sometimes when

00:41:02

Speaker 1: the value of something is sentimental, understanding that someone else shares, that sentiment shares, that appreciation can

00:41:10

Speaker 1: actually

00:41:11

Speaker 1: work well. It can it can help someone feel better about what happened, even if they don't feel good, even if they like to have it themselves, at least they know that the person who does have it cares about it and it matters to them in the same way that it matters to you. And

00:41:28

Speaker 1: I think that that can only really be filled out and understood by everybody. If you're if you're still talking about it and that doesn't mean you have to talk about it for the next 10 or 15 years.

00:41:40

Speaker 1: But if there's something that's unsaid or unspoken and you've become aware of it, I think your willingness to address it shows

00:41:47

Speaker 1: maturity and shows a care for your family and for for the future of that family as well as what's happened in the past, Ashley whether you keep this ring, give it up or share it among the family.

00:42:01

Speaker 1: We really want to commend you for being thoughtful about the sort of crossroads that you've come to with it. And once again we just want to offer our condolences for the loss of your father.

00:42:13

Speaker 1: How do you go about being started?

00:42:16

Speaker 1: What do you do

00:42:18

Speaker 1: every time I try I only make things worse. Is there some particular method of being thoughtful that works every time?

00:42:29

Speaker 1: Our final question is called handwriting hazards salutations to dan and lizzie

00:42:35

Speaker 1: today, my question involves handwriting and stationary, but with a bit of a modern twist.

00:42:41

Speaker 1: I really love writing things out by hand. I think this is because it forces me to slow down and process my thoughts and feelings in a more introspective and pacified way.

00:42:51

Speaker 1: I love all the ceremonies and traditions of snail mail, along with supporting the United States Postal Service and sending my thoughts and love randomly to my friends to remind them how special they are to me.

00:43:03

Speaker 1: Plus it gives me an excuse to play with my fountain pens and stationery kit, including wax seals and stamps it with that things tend to get messy or sore after awhile from the repetitive tedium and I can really only do it in one or two locations

00:43:22

Speaker 1: recently. I've discovered that I can write out things using a stylus and a notebook app on my ipad. I love that. I can easily and cleanly fix mistakes, change colors and styles with a press of a few buttons and I can do my writing pretty much anywhere.

00:43:38

Speaker 1: I still really want to physically mail these notes out as I used to with my cards and letters.

00:43:43

Speaker 1: I thought maybe I could print them and sign them before putting them in an envelope and sending them off.

00:43:48

Speaker 1: However, something about that feels very weird that I was unsure if it would still be appropriate since I've changed mediums.

00:43:56

Speaker 1: I feel like the receivers can tell that they are printed off and I wasn't sure if that quality made them feel less homemade or genuine, which is exactly the opposite of the impact I'm hoping to make.

00:44:07

Speaker 1: Maybe there's something else I could include to ensure that they really are all personalized instead.

00:44:13

Speaker 1: Also if you deem this form of writing appropriate, are there situations where this might not be the case? For instance, I had started to draft out a condolence note but wasn't sure if I could send that using this format still printed and mailed

00:44:27

Speaker 1: and if it would be received. Well,

00:44:29

Speaker 1: thanks for the show and for all the positive energy. Okay,

00:44:34

Speaker 1: okay, this is very cool. I'm of two minds one I think yes, go for it because I think getting notes out anyway that you possibly can is great and yet when you came to the topic of condolence note, I said ah maybe not. Um I

00:44:52

Speaker 1: I I am with you. I think if your handwriting is legible

00:44:55

Speaker 1: and you can do a condolence note and maybe it's not a condolence note with all the bells and whistles. I would focus the condolence note more on, on making sure that's a handwritten note and sending that in whatever way you can rather than going too far down the road of, of dressing it up or worrying. I would say about dressing it up,

00:45:16

Speaker 1: but and thank you notes, I probably put a little bit in that category as well. Not quite so much because I think a beautifully, you know, stylized done and printed out. Thank you know, if people know this is your thing, I think could come across really well. So

00:45:34

Speaker 1: a little bit depends on the nature of the note,

00:45:37

Speaker 1: but I do understand what you mean that it doesn't feel quite the same. It doesn't land quite the same as a handwritten note.

00:45:47

Speaker 1: But I will also say that as a kid who grew up going to summer camp a lot and loved the letter writing that happened at summer camp. Like I, I loved it. My mom would write me these beautiful long letters in her

00:46:01

Speaker 1: gorgeous sacred heart handwriting that she has. I just loved receiving those. And it cracked me up that my dad would processes, you got, you got it. He's peter post, he's going to do the technology thing.

00:46:17

Speaker 1: He's, but he's like sometimes I would, it was a car phone, it was a car phone. Not as I didn't have like the giant antenna, but yeah, he did have a car phone. Like when you first get one, he would sometimes fax me things at summer camp, which really cracked me up.

00:46:37

Speaker 1: But he his handwriting is very hard to read. And he really wanted to make sure that I was getting the content of the letter more than the physical handwriting. And he knew that that was going to be more important to me than seeing his handwriting. And he would definitely sign each one.

00:46:54

Speaker 1: But for the first few that came, he also said typing this out so that I can guarantee you can read it. And if handwriting is the issue that way. I think that's a really great way to go and it helps someone understand why you've typed and printed this out as opposed to hand written it. I think for all the casual notes and letters and dan, I'm sure you'd be an agreement that um I think this could just kind of become your cool thing that you do

00:47:19

Speaker 1: with creating these individualized and beautiful

00:47:23

Speaker 1: letters and notes on your tablet. Uh and and printing them out and sending them that way. But but the the condolence one is the one for me that I really put the stopper on and say now go back to the handwriting for that particular one. If you can,

00:47:37

Speaker 1: I had exactly the same experience reading this question. And I was reading down and thinking, oh this is so good, there's so much good etiquette at play here. The use of the tablet, the creative use of the tablet and even the creative use of your own handwriting to generate custom cards, printing out things that you've

00:47:56

Speaker 1: created yourself on the tablet. It's

00:47:59

Speaker 1: I I started to see the whole situation as a version of making your own greeting cards. And what would the advice be for me if I was giving someone advice on just how to use cards in these situations, I'd say send them what a great way to stay connected with people and play with the old fashioned snail mail.

00:48:18

Speaker 1: And obviously like your father signing those word processed letters, you you add your personal touch to a card, you always sign it. You always just a little note in it if you can to personalize it

00:48:30

Speaker 1: if the whole card itself was custom made by you in some ways you've already embedded that personalization in the card. So you if you were using that method for making a thank you know, you might not need to add a personal message to your already personally created card before you sign it.

00:48:48

Speaker 1: If you're using your tablet just to do design work, you might

00:48:52

Speaker 1: write your thank you note into that design work before you sign it. But so I was imagining all of these, the gradations of ways that you might personalize the note, the big picture. I was thinking like you lizzie, this is great,

00:49:06

Speaker 1: engage it, send it, use all these tools, this new technology and creative ways to communicate.

00:49:13

Speaker 1: And then I read the condolence note sentence and said for that one, I probably handwrite it and so

00:49:20

Speaker 1: like you as you sort of escalate and climb that that scale of formality, I'd look more and more to focus on the handwriting being an important component or something to include and I would, I would include more and more of that message as being handwritten by me. But

00:49:37

Speaker 1: those aren't, aren't as common as all of the other types of communication that we're likely to do. Okay. We want to encourage you to keep it up. We think that sending notes and letters and cards is a wonderful tradition to keep going. Whether they are printed or handwritten,

00:49:53

Speaker 1: we are sure that your wonderful attitude and spirit are going to come through shining

00:50:00

Speaker 1: and you know

00:50:01

Speaker 1: if you happen to want to write a note to your two favorite podcast hosts who live in Vermont and love receiving cards through the mail. We would certainly be excited to receive one lizzie. You know, I'm a sucker for a wax seal on an envelope but I've got to close this question out because

00:50:19

Speaker 1: I don't think it's polite to ask someone to send you something, is it True that true true true. Thank you so much for the question. Thank you for your questions. Please send us updates or feedback on our answers or even more questions to awesome etiquette at Emily Post dot com. Leave a voicemail or text at 802858 kind. That's 8028585463. Or you can reach us on social media

00:50:47

Speaker 1: on twitter. We're at Emily post install on instagram. We are at Emily Post institute and on facebook were awesome etiquette. Just use the hashtag awesome etiquette with any social media posts so that we know you want your question on the show.

00:51:14

Speaker 1: If you enjoy awesome etiquette, please consider becoming a member of our community by visiting us at patreon dot com slash awesome etiquette. You'll get an ads, free version of the show and access to bonus questions and content plus you'll feel great knowing that you helped to keep awesome etiquette on the air

00:51:30

Speaker 1: and for those of you who are already sustaining members. Thank you so much for your support.

00:51:36

Speaker 1: It's time for our feedback segment where we hear from you about the questions we answer and the topics we cover and today we have feedback from cc on baby registries. Hello, thank you for your great show.

00:51:48

Speaker 1: I am writing to you regarding your response to the listener who wanted to get a friend a gift but wasn't sure if they should look up their registry or if this was too private.

00:51:58

Speaker 1: I have a different view than the response you gave. I got married and had a baby within the past two years. So I have made a registry twice. It is very easy to select if the registry is public or not. And websites such as amazon and bed bath and beyond make it very easy to search for a registry.

00:52:14

Speaker 1: If I did not want anyone outside of my guests for my weddings or showers to see it, I would have made it private.

00:52:21

Speaker 1: I definitely appreciate the thought and effort put into personalized gifts. But as we were very fortunate to receive many gifts for both occasions. We ended up with duplicate or unneeded items such as kitchen tools. We already had baby gear. We had been given as a hand me down or a larger item. We borrowed

00:52:38

Speaker 1: so many baby clothes and small sizes. Our son didn't even get to wear half of them.

00:52:43

Speaker 1: 10 baby blankets. I would have preferred that my friends and family would have looked at our registry and shopped off of there. It did not seem invasive for anyone to look for it, especially for those who I am close with but would not be invited to a shower. For example, co workers, friends who live out of town people we occasionally see,

00:53:03

Speaker 1: we ended up with some larger items that we just do not have space for and were unable to return because we did not know where they came from and did not want to tell the giver we had no use for. So we ended up giving it away.

00:53:14

Speaker 1: I feel guilty for not using their gift but we can only use and store so many packing plays

00:53:21

Speaker 1: perhaps as a gift giver consider recipients personalization of their gift. They should take into account the amount of space they have expected hand me downs or items listed on the registry as to make sure they give them something they will truly use.

00:53:36

Speaker 1: Thank you so much for your podcast as a new mom. It has kept me entertained during many late night feedings sincerely.

00:53:44

Speaker 1: Cc Thank you so much for the feedback. This is the second piece of feedback we've received on the same question and as is often the case, that's a good indication to us that this is a topic that people are interested in. And it's definitely something that we're hoping to revisit. Have a much longer and more detailed look at moving forward

00:54:03

Speaker 1: confessional lizzie post and I weren't even aware before we received the original question that there was an option to make registries public or private on those services. So it's definitely etiquette territory that we want to be really sure. We draw clear lines around. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and for pointing us in this direction for future. Show topics.

00:54:26

Speaker 1: Thank you for sending us your thoughts and updates. Please keep them coming. You can send your feedback or update to awesome etiquette at Emily post dot com or leave us a voicemail or text at 802858 kind, that's 8028585463.

00:54:50

Speaker 1: It's time for our post script segment where we dive deeper into a topic of etiquette and today we're going to talk about etiquette when using someone's second home. A number of you have written in over the years,

00:55:01

Speaker 1: either as second home owners who lend or rent your house to family and friends or as those who are going to be utilizing a friend or family member's second home.

00:55:12

Speaker 1: And it actually prompted us to add a section into the 20th edition called using someone's second home. And since it's summer and Dan and I both have just gotten back from or headed down to second home borrowing experiences.

00:55:28

Speaker 1: We thought that it would be a really great time to explore this topic. Born.

00:55:33

Speaker 1: So this is not a long section, but it's broken down into a few bullets. That gives some really clear places to pay attention to when you're participating in this kind of an exchange. And

00:55:46

Speaker 1: the first one is obvious advice, but it's so, so, so important. It's a good place to start and that's that you want to be really clear about the time that you're going to be there. You want to set start and end dates that everybody is aware of and then you want to cover any details that

00:56:05

Speaker 1: are important to know for that

00:56:07

Speaker 1: departure and arrival. So

00:56:09

Speaker 1: if there are hidden keys where they are, if they're access codes,

00:56:14

Speaker 1: how do you use them? How do you turn off what they are

00:56:19

Speaker 1: if their access codes that you have them and that you know how to use them. So you're not setting off alarm systems.

00:56:25

Speaker 1: The idea is that you've done some preparation ahead of time that's going to make getting there, getting landed all possible and happen and be something that everybody knows is going on. Absolutely. You also want to get the lowdown on what's available for you to use and what isn't and if you're hosting family or

00:56:45

Speaker 1: if either party hasn't asked to speak up and ask about this. So whether you are the person who owns the house and are giving instructions to someone or the other way around. If you're the person renting, you really want to make sure that it is clear what's available for use and what isn't. So

00:57:04

Speaker 1: it might sound like happy to have you used the lake house but please do not take the sailboat out

00:57:09

Speaker 1: or happy to have you and Jocelyn come but we ask that you not invite other guests to come with you that it's really just the two of you or just you and your immediate family. And I think being explicit is really really important if you're the guest coming to stay

00:57:26

Speaker 1: knowing to ask about some of these things, hey, is there anything we should stay away from or put away. So it doesn't get broken or something like that.

00:57:33

Speaker 1: It's really helpful for a host to hear that from a guest. It's obviously a little more helpful when the host can provide that information up front. But it also going the other way allows for the host to know, oh wow, this is thoughtful guest. They can see that there are things that maybe they should or shouldn't engage with

00:57:53

Speaker 1: at the house. I'm so glad they asked.

00:57:56

Speaker 1: Well and I'll tell you something else that hosts really appreciate hearing from guests. And that's when people ask what expectations are for cleaning and taking care of the place while they stay. So not just what you can use, but how you take care of the things that you are using and whether that's doing laundry, cleaning a kitchen,

00:58:15

Speaker 1: how to maintain things while you're there and also how people like them left before you go dan. That's a really good point. As a general rule for most houses, you're always going to be avoiding leaving any food out that's going to spoil after you leave or leaving it in the refrigerator, even though it's in the fridge, it can still spoil

00:58:35

Speaker 1: you also really want to avoid leaving anything wet behind. So

00:58:39

Speaker 1: those towels and sheets, they've got to get from the washer into the dryer. Some places are fine with things being left in the dryer, but the dryer has got to be on and make it through its cycle, you know, but these are really important because spoilage or mildew and mold can become really big problems later on. So even if your host hasn't mentioned anything and you haven't asked about anything, those are two really good ones to follow.

00:59:05

Speaker 1: It's also entirely possible that there might be some fees or costs associated with using someone's second home just because you're a family member or a good friend doesn't mean that

00:59:16

Speaker 1: you won't be asked to contribute something towards the upkeep or maintenance of the house. And it might not be the full cost of having someone stay there.

00:59:24

Speaker 1: But it's definitely something that you want to honor and you don't want to be surprised by it. You can always politely decline if those fees or costs are out of your price range or aren't something that you would plan for when they do come up. It's it's okay to say that that's too much for you and you won't be able to

00:59:43

Speaker 1: accept the offer of a place to stay. That's not going to hurt anyone's feelings.

00:59:48

Speaker 1: Anything involving money. Those discussions should be as clear as open and as candid as possible

00:59:55

Speaker 1: and you can always use appreciating the offer as a great way to exit that conversation so that it doesn't just feel like a hard stop in their face, You know, they offer their guesthouse, they tell you the fee, you can say something like you know boy, it sounds like it would be out of my budget, but I really appreciate the offer. I hope I can take you up on it in the future.

01:00:15

Speaker 1: And that's a great way to kind of turn someone down gently but also be clear about the reason why that you're doing it

01:00:22

Speaker 1: dan. Another thing that I think is really important to find out is who to contact in case of a problem. Um it might be the homeowners themselves or it might be a neighbor nearby or even a caretaker and I really think it's really important to communicate any issues that you are having or maybe did have while you were down on your visit. It's it's really important that the homeowner knows what's been going on in the house, especially if there is a problem.

01:00:50

Speaker 1: It can sometimes feel like a lot to tell someone, oh my gosh, you know you're letting us stay in our home and this, I don't know, sink, toilet, bathtub overflowed and created all this mess and it was really awful. But trust me it is so much better to tell the person what happened

01:01:06

Speaker 1: and to try to find out the best way to handle it rather than to just quietly pretend like it wasn't you,

01:01:13

Speaker 1: The lawn care guy knocked the head off one of the sprinkler systems and actually flooded the lawn the last time I was staying at someone's house, not your fault but you've got to communicate about it right. And you know I wasn't exactly sure who the first person to call was

01:01:31

Speaker 1: and it was really helpful that the

01:01:34

Speaker 1: people whose house it was had a book that sat on the counter that had contact information for immediate situations if the owners of the house couldn't be reached and it was really really helpful to have that on hand. Finally you always want to say thank you to the homeowner both when you accept their offer and once your stay is over,

01:01:53

Speaker 1: a handwritten note is best and sometimes people will get a little gift or something especially if there were no charges associated with staying at the home.

01:02:02

Speaker 1: It's it's a really nice gesture to appreciate the house that you've been given access to. But those thank you's both at the offer and at the end are really really important.

01:02:13

Speaker 1: Thank him twice. Maybe three times.

01:02:18

Speaker 1: I hope you have a great time. The next time you're a guest at somebody's house. Oh likewise dan. I hope you have a great time when you're headed on your trip this week. I am so looking forward to it.

01:02:30

Speaker 1: Mm hmm

01:02:45

Speaker 2: saturday.

01:02:48

Speaker 1: We like to end our show on a high note. So we turn to you to hear about the good etiquette you're seeing and experiencing out in the world and that can come in so many forms today we have a salute from Joyce

01:03:00

Speaker 1: hello, I want to give a shout out to my five year old granddaughter hazel. In san Francisco hazel celebrated the chinese new year with her preschool friends by offering each a red envelope stuffed with tiger stickers and replica antique coins she shared with the class about the chinese zodiac

01:03:19

Speaker 1: hazel also talked about the etiquette of giving and receiving gifts with a bow and extending both hands.

01:03:25

Speaker 1: Indeed, etiquette begins when kids are young and it's worldly nana Joyce. That's really sweet nana Joyce, thank you so much for this salute. It makes my little heart pitter patter, I love picturing little five year old girls doing adorable and worldly things. Thank you so much for this salute

01:03:45

Speaker 1: and thank you so much for listening today and thank you to everyone who sent us something and everyone who supports us on patreon, please connect with us and share this show with your friends, family, coworkers, strangers on social media or however you like to share podcasts, you can send us your next question feedback or salute by email to awesome etiquette at Emily Post dot com. You can leave us a voicemail or text at 80285 a kind that's 8028585463

01:04:15

Speaker 1: on twitter. We are at Emily Post on instagram, we are at Emily Post institute and on facebook we're both awesome etiquette and the Emily Post Institute. Please consider becoming a sustaining member of this podcast by visiting patreon dot com slash awesome etiquette.

01:04:31

Speaker 1: You can also subscribe to the ads version of our show on Spotify or your favorite podcast app

01:04:37

Speaker 1: and please do consider leaving us a review. It helps our show ranking, which can help more people find awesome. Medicate our show is edited by Kris Albertine, an assistant produced by Bridget Dowd.

01:04:48

Speaker 1: Thanks. Thanks, Chris and Bridget.

01:04:53

Speaker 1: Mm hmm.