Episode 6: Football Scores and Tipping Protocol with Jess Walter

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Speaker 1: Maybe it's just that you don't know how to use Social courtesy That's old fashioned.

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Speaker 1: Watch how busy Post and Dan, Post Center actors host and hostess.

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Speaker 1: They know that courtesy means showing respect, thinking of the other person. Really friendliness. Welcome to another edition of Awesome Etiquette, part of the Infinite Guest network. I am Lizzie Post, and I'm damn Post sending from the Emily Post Institute

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Speaker 1: on today's episode. We are really excited because we're going to try something a little bit different, and we are actually going to take some of our listener questions on air with us. Are we on air? We're on air. I mean, I guess this is close to honor as we get and we're gonna be on here together. That's the point. And we have an awesome question from Jess Walter, who is another podcaster on the Infinite Guest network with his podcast, a tiny sense of accomplishment that he co hosts. And today it is fall here in Vermont and you really you can't deny it. The leaves are changing all around us, and winter is coming. You can feel it in the air, there's a crispness to it, and I personally have been working on my woodpile and there are lots of ways. Okay, nobody cares about the woodpile. Do you know what is so freaking awesome about would do you even know it's football season? I've been waiting for football season since the Super Bowl, and I can't disagree with you. Okay, Awesome. Dan and I are both football fanatics, and we're we're really excited. I am the less knowledgeable football fanatic, the newer fans, passionate, but probably the more passionate. Actually, I'm really excited him in the process of booking tickets to go to my first New Orleans Saints game. That's my thank you very much. I'm really, really excited about it. I just Oh, my gosh, Okay. I literally am buzzing with excitement to go to this game. I started with the Steelers. I've caught some Patriots since then, but seeing a game in person really is fun. It's an event. It's worth making the effort. If you're a fan question, Yeah, and, um, you know, Dan and I talk football a lot at the office. I don't do a fantasy football team. Dan does. I'm always asked. Time champion. Yeah, he's somehow always manages to win Um, But there is something that happened the other day that caused a little rift between dear Daniel and I or me, Daniel and I, Daniel on me. Between us, between us, it's just ignore the grammar for a minute because I'm thinking of football. Anyway,

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Speaker 1: I walked into the office and this year, so

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Speaker 1: I live in Vermont and the Saints are my team. I do not get toe watch them at home on my local cable stations that much at all. I don't they don't get carried. It just doesn't happen. So this year I said, All right, I can't afford to do like the big NFL packages and all that. That would allow me to get access to every game. But I can totally do NFL game rewind, and just a day later, I'm gonna get to watch it. And you all know what my problem is now because I see this. I said, Can you believe what happened to the States yesterday? Because they lost and I didn't know about it, and it was the second time it had been spoiled for me and like I'm, you know, like a little bitter, and I'm just like man, I'm staying. I'm doing the right things. I'm staying off social media. I'm I'm not trying Thio. You know, um, I'm not trying to make it everybody else's problem that I might find out the score. But when people who know I'm a big Saints fan, just tell me what happened or try to commiserates with me. I admit I have bad manners, and my first reaction is Dude, I didn't see it yet, and I get so frustrated. And it's not Dan's fault. He didn't know that I hadn't yet seen the game. It's not the guy at Union Street media's fault. He didn't know I hadn't seen the game. But it is something that I'm experiencing as much as I love having access toe every game for the past like six years toe watch. And it is likely problematic that within the 24 hours between when I haven't seen the game and when it has finished trying to dodge those scores and not hear about the big plays, it's tough. And I'm loving this question because it's a new technology etiquette question. In a world of on demand media where people watch TV shows on their own schedule. They listen to radio on their own schedule. You're probably listening to this podcast when it suits you, and it's most convenient, which is what we want. That's absolutely it's and it's what media providers want. So

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Speaker 1: the etiquette of the spoiler alert or checking with someone before you know if they've seen the latest episode of Game of Thrones or their favorite sports teams score from the night before. Exactly. And I will say that of the what are we up to her? We in week five. This was week 5 to 7. Yeah, of the five games that have played, I have one game that was unspoiled for me, and and I think and and like, I think you would agree with me because in Lizzie that there are there's a little bit of the burden. Falls on both sides of the party totally falls on the big spoiler alert. Maybe you check, but you also if you're someone who's hasn't seen a big piece of event media like a sports score, particularly for for something like football or baseball playoffs right now that you try to warn people a little bit of time before word gets out of your mouth. Don't tell me anything about It. Was so hard, though, is that you walk it like I walked into the office that morning. I didn't My first thought wasn't Dan's going to tell me about the Saints game. It's like, Oh, hi, good morning And then you kicked right into it and there's, you know, you don't want to sort of be walking around with that arm out all the time, but at the same time, you got to kind of, you know, bite your lip and say, You know what? If I'm gonna be watching it 24 hours later or a week later or whatever it is, you have to be willing to just accept the fact that there's a good chance somewhere in your day you're going to encounter at least the knowledge of a winner loss. I'll tell you what we do in my fantasy league if someone knows there. My brother was traveling last weekend and he sent a text a preemptive text before the start of the weekend Sunday. I'm off line, please, no messages about the game on, and, uh, I certainly appreciate it because he would usually be part of a very close texting circle that would have a lot of information going back. And so you want to make sure they're in the same fantasy league. So it's It's one of those things where you know you're raising people. You're jacking scores all that. You bring it up. Another kind of fun point, which is sportsmanship, etiquette, Good loser, good winner. The appropriate amount of bragging braggadocio, braggadocio, bravado, making stuff up. Right now it's OK. Keep going. But a certain amount of good nature. Trash talking is often part of the fun around sports and around good competition, but having a sense of who your audience is, knowing when to dial it back when did not take it too far. How to enjoy it, how to take it with a grain of salt If you're on the receiving end, I was going to say something important. If you are on the receiving end and someone's just like too much for you, what

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Speaker 2: do you

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Speaker 1: say to them? You could let him know you could say, All right, all right, I get it. That's that's enough for now. That loss was kind of tough on me Yeah. Give me a week to recover, man. Give me a week to recover. Absolutely. It's amazing how, how, how some people like I don't I don't get depressed when the Saints lose. Sure, I want my team to win, but I also accept that my team has a tough time winning on the road. And guess what? We've had a lot of road games like it's just kind of the way it is right now for the Saints, and I love them, and I still support them through it. But I accept the fact I had. I had a guy at the golf course the other day trying to rouse me so hard on the Saints, and he was good natured at the very end of his very strong comments. He would, you know, he would let me know like I'm just toying with you. I'm just trying like, Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it with like, there's there's kind of like a time when you're like, Yeah, I get that you are, But I don't want like it's like a lot, especially like for someone you just met. Its's funny. I think in some friendships it's a sign of how close you are, how mean you can be, because it indicates that you must be really close to be able to take these social liberties with each other. Well, that's true. No. And that's certainly that's like one end of the spectrum. The other end of the spectrum is, if you know someone really well who it really does affect them. It really does bum them out. It gets them down. I mean, my old roommate, man, you did not want to be around when the Giants would lose. Sometimes you didn't want to be around when the Giants won. But it was one of those things where it was like you just kind of new to give. Give Mike a space on it. Yes, it is. And you mentioned it before. That was a great point. There are very real emotions attached. Are you really emotions on and and granted, that might be silly, but it's also true. It's part of the world we live in, and having a little sensitivity of that could go a long way. Yes, who that goes. Saints for the record dance, a Patriots fan because we did a rocky up and down a couple of weeks. It's been interesting in the NFL. In general, a lot of teams have gone up and down. Other a couple front runners. Usually, although no team is undefeated right now, it's one of the great things about the league. It's a lot of fun to watch. Anybody can win on any given Sunday coming at you.

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Speaker 1: Surely you're right. E. There's so much to learn how to dio. Sure, there's a lot to learn, but it's worth it. And learning is easy. One way is by watching others

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Speaker 1: on every episode of awesome etiquette. We take your questions on how to behave. So let's get to some questions. This question begins. My question is regarding accepting of gifts. I usually practice the rule that if a gift is given to me, opened and then I say thank you verbally to the gift giver that I do not need to follow up with a written note of thanks. My Children write notes for birthday party gifts, but we have not had an occasion of late to write a thank you note. Are we following politeness protocol or lacking etiquette?

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Speaker 1: Yep, she's right. I mean, she she's following politeness protocol. Absolute. Just because occasion hasn't arisen to write a thank you note doesn't mean that you've done something wrong at the same time. If you could invent an occasion to write a thank you note, that wouldn't hurt. In fact, I think Lizzie has said that you're never going to ruin a friendship by writing an extra thank you note and thinking of, Ah, good reason toe To bring some gratitude into your life and to practice this skill in the art of writing a good thank you note, um, is never time that's lost. So if you really feel like that, that opportunity is slipping away. You might sit down with your kids and think of something that you're thankful for and practice writing A thank you know. But by no means have you, uh, have you you missed a social obligation by not having written a thank you know, I think the question really hinges on the appropriate thought, which is that if you had an operative opportunity to thank someone for a gift in person, there isn't necessarily a social obligation to follow up with a thank you know,

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Speaker 1: this next question comes from Nia.

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Speaker 1: I have a knit lace shawl for a shower gift for my cousin in her wedding color.

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Speaker 1: How do I express that this is a keepsake and I will not be hurt if she does not wear it on her wedding day. I want to have a note on the gift and not just in the card, as my family has enormous wedding showers and she may have helped opening the gift.

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Speaker 1: So this is a really simple thing that you can convey either in that note that you're talking about. Or you can simply say it to her when you give her the gift. You know, there is nothing wrong with in that moment when she opens it, even

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Speaker 2: in front of

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Speaker 1: everyone. If you're comfortable with it to say, you know, I really wanted you to have this. I know it's in your wedding color, but please don't feel obligated to wear it on the day. I just know you love the color, and I wanted you to enjoy this. My favorite questions have the answer embedded right in them, though the language that you used in the question is perfectly acceptable. You know, I really intended this as a keepsake. I think that's, Ah, great thing to say. Like Lizzie says, Right in the moment when the gift is opened, neo, we hope that helps and that you have a great time of the shower.

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Speaker 1: This next question comes from a familiar name. Tow us our friend Jenna Johnson, who is a graduate of the Emily Post etiquette business and Children's Train. The trainer programs. And we were so excited to actually see a familiar ah familiar name pop up generally. Nice to hear from you, Jenna. Yeah, generates with the guideline of not taking ah half eaten thing out of your mouth during dinner. How do you eat sushi? That might be more than one bite. You have it firmly in your chopstick poised for bites two and three.

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Speaker 1: How do you do it?

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Speaker 1: It's funny that this question is being asked of a couple American etiquette experts. To me, it indicates, um uh, just how broad American etiquette is. Thes days. We do live in ah, cultural, uh, melting pot with all kinds of cultures mixing. And, uh, sushi is certainly no longer that that you grows raw fish. No one's tried to dish anymore. In fact, it's it's pretty much everywhere. It's become a pretty common eat out food for a lot of America. I think this is not an uncommon situation. Uh, and I think that the answer is in the question. I think if the bite really is too big to take it all in one bite, Although usually when you pick up food with chopsticks, you're trying to pick up a bite that is small enough that you're able to eat the whole thing in one bite. But if you can't do it, if the pieces cut too large for I think that Jen has got it exactly right, you hold it as firmly as you can. Bite off what you can. Hold the rest in the chopsticks and then finish your bite. And if you drop it well, let's just modify and take a shot in the dark. I try to hold it over the plate so that if it fell, it didn't fall into my lap or onto the table back onto the plate itself. And do you remember that accidents happen? I mean, Emily Post always said that it doesn't matter. You know which fork you use it matters that you use a fork. It's, you know, chopsticks or tricky. You're gonna have an accident or two every now and again. And the best thing you could do is clean up any mess as quickly and as you know, with as much humor as possible and just say Oops, pardon me and, you know, just grab grab the rest of that bite If you're able to secure it again, and if not, you know, you could just let it sit on the side of your plate and just, you know, take the next one and give it another go. And if you're really horrible at it, you can even ask for a fork. And I'm gonna turn this one back around and ask our listeners out there if anybody out there is a real expert on sushi and the etiquette of eating sushi, you know a better way to hold it. You could get a double bite like that would be great to know. Absolutely So, Jenna, thanks so much for that question. And we're so happy that you're listening.

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Speaker 1: So our next question comes from Jess Walter, who is the co host of a tiny sense of accomplishment, which is our sibling podcast on the infinite guest network. So we're very excited that he tweeted us a question, Dan, what was just this question? Well, just wanted to know what? That Thanks for being with us today, Jess. What do you do when your friend buys you lunch and is a worst tipper than Anton? Sugar, This is Ah, little no country for old men. Reference in my correct, Jess. Yeah, I was just imagine, you know, the quarter on the table in life or death. Uh, it wasn't quite that bad. Nobody. Nobody got a whole in their forehead. That's good. Yeah. You finished lunch and you look over and there's a dollar teams sitting on the table and, you know, do you reach in your pocket and we sort of take turns buying lunch. Uh, and I just figured, Well, I'll make up for the next time we come back to this restaurant, but it's amazing how often I find myself with those sort of tipping questions. You know, when a friend will say, How much are you leaving? I think Isn't that kind of an inappropriate question? Shouldn't we all figure out our own tip. Isn't that between us and our soul at some point? And yet at the same time, when someone leaves a tip that's less than what you would have left it, it makes you question it. So all of a sudden it's like the flip side of it. E could see me doing the math thinking That's 4%. 0, gosh, that's awful. And he didn't have a reason, right? It wasn't like he said. I mean, our advice is always that you don't you don't leave a short change tip if you're upset with service. But he wasn't playing that card.

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Speaker 1: No, no, no. I think I may have been sort of thoughtless. You know, my my dad, for instance, comes from an era when the tip is whatever you know, changes left over. So if we have a 239 and seven sent, uh,

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Speaker 1: $239.7 meal, then you could bet you're going to get a 93 cents tip out of my dad. You know, generation older, I think anyone more than that. But, you know, a tip is sort of what's left in your pocket. It's not You know, my dad would never sit there and calculate 15 or 20% but, you know, blue collar guy who grew up on a farm. But this friend, you know, I I just thought how do I chip in for the tip? But, you know, um, you know, when we stand, I throw another couple bucks down. Um, and instead, I killed him. No, I didn't know. You're You're really dancing through the everything that would go through your mind. What do I do? And if I did this, that's not gonna be right. That could offend them. If I don't do it, it's the staff. And I like where you started off with the really perceiving it is thoughtless because that's probably what is. I also think that's generous because this definitely approaches villainous behavior for and as a former waitress, it approaches down, right? I'm just gonna think you're a jerk or worse, and and the idea that a tips up to you that it's discretionary is common around common part of the world. And it's up to us to disabuse people of that notion to remind people that tipping for service in America is part of the social contract that we do not pay servers a living wage. So it's it's a it's appropriate toe to feel the pain of a tip that really comes in under 10%. And I say 10%. We really at the institute recommend 15 to 20. But there was a time when that range was mawr like 10 to 20. And people like your father, who come from a narrow where that range was a little broader way like to give that latitude and that understanding. But when it drops below 10% what you're really saying is I was so displeased. I'm never returning. I'm gonna break my social contract with this restaurant and and feeling discomfort at that happening at a table that you've eaten. That I do think is appropriate literally putting your money where your mouth should be absolutely about this, but where it should be. And at the same time it's hard to address it. It's hard Thio. It's hard to address that behavior in someone else. If you do add extra, tip your essentially making a comment on them. Um, if you go back later and offer MAWR that's dishonest to the person that you were eating with in some way. And you have you decided just that you were just gonna let it be and instead tip the next time you were in the restaurant, right? Yeah, we've eaten there before, and I and I thought, this is just, you know, one of those things, but, um, yeah, there's an maybe faking my death and disappearing. Sure, what other options I have. So yeah, I just I just sort of let it go. Oh, I love that. Yeah. And that sometimes you gotta bite your tongue in life. It's truthfully, I think that's the only thing you can dio. Is that this? This wasn't your lunch. He was taking you out to lunch. Correct. That's right. And so when it's when it's the other person who's paying the bill, it's, um, sad, but true. But it's kind of none of your business what they choose to leave, how they choose to operate it. Um, and the next time you can always say, Hey, let me take care of it and then be the generous tipper that we're sure you are a sort of party thought I'll share a story. Um, I was recently traveling on business with Lizzie's father, Peter Bond. We encountered a situation where a group of people who were hosting us took us out to a dinner, and after the dinner I had a bunch of extra money. We were in a foreign country. We're gonna be returning to the States. I had extra cash in my pocket, and the service had been absolutely incredible. During this meal, they brought out cold towels that they tucked in our callers to cool us down in a hot restaurant. I mean, it was it was service above and beyond. The people were eating with said they'd never seen anything like it in the country before, and they suspected maybe it was because they were with some Americans who were tippers. And I had the thought. I'll just I'll leave the remainder of my foreign money. Here is an extra tip. And when Peter Lizzie's father saw me about to do it, he gave me a look that essentially slapped my hand away from my pocket. There was a You will not add a tip to this table. That is a comment on our hosts and the degree to which they have managed the tip, and I sort of said something to him later. And he said, Absolutely not never. That would have been so insulting to our hosts. And here I was thinking, would be a nice gesture to the people, and I would get rid of some of this money that was gonna be useless to me in a day anyway. But anyway, that's my little personal. You always have to think about everyone who's involved, and it's It's one of those things that Dan does very well. And in his moment of generosity, you know, was, you know, could could have really offended a host and it Z why you have to think through a situation you know often much further. And it's rare that it happens to US etiquette experts. But it does on occasion or generosity can get the better of us. But that those etiquette rock and hard place is air, sort of where it gets tricky, though, you know. Oh, yeah, you know, you are sort of caught between two moments of this would be wrong, and this is also wrong. You know where the rubber hits the road Exactly, man, and it's why we have a podcast on. Why was great. To be honest, it was so great to talk to you a question that my friend doesn't listen, e I hope so too, right? What? I don't know what you're talking about. Thoughts is all anonymous. No one listens, but let me get the check. I'm probably buying every lunch from now on. Right. Well, thank you so much for joining us and to our listeners. Please go check out Justice Podcast with Sherman Alexie. A tiny sense of accomplishment. It really is a tree. Definitely worth your time. Jess, Thank you so much. Thanks, guys. Thank you. Hear that? She says you're not as ruedas you used to be. Oh, thanks to everyone for sending in your questions,

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Speaker 1: you can submit your questions at awesome etiquette at Emily post dot com.

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Speaker 1: Today's etiquette history segment is going to be on the history of the tuxedo, which actually has some very special connections to Emily Post and one of her most favorite places in the world. And Dan knows this history really well, this is definitely one of my my favorite parts of the Emily Post story, because it it connects Emily with her father, Bruce Price, who was an architect of some note and, uh, on a future podcast. I want to talk more about Bruce Price and some of his work. But one of his real signature projects was a place called Tuxedo Park. Tuxedo Park was developed by Pierre lowly Arda famous tobacco baron. It was one of the first residential sub developments outside New York City.

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Speaker 1: Hey, took a single property and built, uh, several different cottages on it. And all of those were designed by Bruce Price, Emily's father. And as a part of his payment for doing that design,

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Speaker 1: he was given a couple of the cottages on Tuxedo. And Emily grew up there. She grew up attending functions at the Social Club, a tuxedo park, and it was one of her favorite places in the world. It reminded her of her father and of a very happy childhood that she spent growing up with with him, uh, in the confines of Tuxedo Park. So Tuxedo Park is, and I'm giving away the story just a little bit because I usually like to ask this question is, or a chicken or egg question. What came first? Tuxedo Parker the tuxedo, and I've already revealed that the Tuxedo Park really came first. But the social Club, a tuxedo park, was the home of the tuxedo and men's sartorial history. The history of men's fashion is is sort of fun to get into the details of, and the tuxedo is really the standard global formal wear of our time, and its origins are are here in America and they're they're they're tied toe Emily's experience a tuxedo park. So the minute Tuxedo Park took tow wearing ah tailless dinner jacket. And there's there's some

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Speaker 1: lack of certainty about exactly who was the first person to do this. But they were copying a fashion that was either popular with British royalty at the time, Or or maybe the naval jackets that many ship captains or naval officers would wear to formal affairs. But in informal settings, the men from Tuxedo, where tailless jacket to dinner, usually dinnerware, was formal attire. It was a top hat and tails, so wearing a tailless jacket was a bit of ah rack ish fashion choice. It made a statement, or it expressed a certain degree of comfort and informality around dining. When the men from Tuxedo would wear these tailless dinner jackets out in Manhattan. It was referred to as the tuxedo jacket or the jacket that the men from Tuxedo would wear. And over time, the the repel the lapels rounded out in the satin stripe was added to the side of the pants. But But at first the rial hallmark of a tuxedo was that it was a tailless jacket. And it's to me, sort of Ah, great story of American etiquette that what is America's great contribution Toe Global formal wear really began as a new informal option toe wear to dinner as a as an alternative to the more formal garment of the top hat and tails. So it speaks to the way traditions change and evolve over time. It also speaks to, ah, uniquely American etiquette tradition. Uh, sort of final. Little interesting point is that the word tuxedo is derived from a Native American word that Tuxedo Park was named after an Algonquin name for the lake. That Tuxedo Park was built around Paddock Cito and, uh,

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Speaker 1: that got shortened and changed over time to Tuxedo and and, uh, remains an American story in a classic American story with an interesting origin. And I look forward to returning and talking more about Bruce Price, the architect of Tuxedo Park, and his special relationship with his daughter, Emily. So that's a little bit about the history, the tuxedo. You can learn more online, and we love to hear your thoughts at Awesome medicated. Emily post dot com miss The Saturday dance.

00:26:29

Speaker 1: Heard they crowded the floor.

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Speaker 1: Couldn't bear it without you. I don't get around much anymore.

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Speaker 1: Thought I'd visit the club.

00:26:48

Speaker 1: We like to celebrate good behavior at the Emily Post Institute. So each episode we like to do an awesome etiquette salute. Today's salute comes from Larissa, who's with us today Toe to share her awesome etiquette salute. Thanks for being with us, Larissa.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, Thanks for having me. So, what have you got for us?

00:27:05

Speaker 2: Well, I have an epic insurance story.

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Speaker 1: 00 Epic insurance stories. Air

00:27:10

Speaker 2: tough. Yeah, I, um I am a pregnant person, and this happened when I was around 28 weeks pregnant. I had been sick for a month, an entire month, um, and just couldn't shake it. And finally, um, it got to the point where I just was not able to breathe Eso I went thio

00:27:33

Speaker 2: urgent care and I just like I had such such a deep, deep cough And you have just didn't have any muscles to use toe actually cough and it was exhausting and just the whole thing was exhausting. And so I finally went thio

00:27:47

Speaker 2: to this urgent care right before they were closing. And the doctor said, Look, you've got to take this inhaler. We don't usually give this to pregnant people, but

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Speaker 2: you need this and make sure when you go to the pharmacy I'm going to give you two prescriptions. I'm going to give you the inhaler prescription, and then I'm going to give you this prescription for a plastic tube and make sure you use it with a plastic tube because the prescription is like 50% more effective. You have to use the tube. She, like, really emphasize this tube. And I was like, OK, I will do that. I will use that tube.

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Speaker 2: And so she gave me the prescription. I walked out the door and then they were closing on. Then I drove to the pharmacy and they were about to close to They had about 15 minutes left and I said, I'm here to pick up this prescription. Um And he gave me the one part the inhaler, which has the medicine part. And he said, Here you go And I said, Wait, I've got to get this tube this plastic tube And he said, I don't have that. I don't have anything for that And he said, No, no, I know you have it She said she was sending the two prescriptions. She made a point of saying what a big deal it was to use the tube. He said, No, I don't I don't have that, Um, I had a a print out that the doctor gave me before I left. That said what I was supposed to do, but it wasn't a prescription, and the guy was like, Look, that's not a prescription. It's illegal. I can't give you this tube. And I'm thinking this is a plastic tube, Seriously, like, Why is it so hard to get a tube? So anyway, so you have to call the doctor? Well, I called the doctor there, of course, gone. So then I'm on the nurse line and I'm like, six in line, so It takes two hours for them to call me back. So I had to leave the pharmacy, Didn't get the tube. Go home. I'm just crying because I'm so exhausted and I'm pregnant. It's just hard to be pregnant. Can you can't breathe. Eso went home.

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Speaker 1: E o imagine exactly. I can't breathe hearing the story.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, it's it's not good. And of course, crying doesn't help, though, because yeah, yeah, yeah, but so anyway, so And also I'm not I'm not sleeping because I wake up. I have these, like, three hour coughing jags And so, just like function, it's just horrible all around. So the next day, I called the clinic that I was at and said, Look, can you guys please send this prescription over? They didn't get it. They don't have it. And they said, Sure, Well, we could do that later today. And I thought, Oh, great. Now just wait some more. And so wait. At the end of the workday, I call the pharmacy and they were like, Is this a refill? What's quite now? I said, No, it's not a refilled. I've never used this before. Can you do have it? Can you feel it. And they're like, we're waiting on the doctor. And I was like, What? What do you What do you mean? You're waiting on the doctor? They told me this morning they were calling it and they said No, no, she has to get permission from the insurance company because the insurance company has denied it.

00:30:27

Speaker 2: And so then I said, Okay, so what? What do you need to give me this plastic tube? And they said, Well, we need to know that that it's been okayed and they said, How will you know that? And they said, Well, I guess you have to call the insurance company and get it OK, and then just like to check I said, If I were to buy this by myself, how much would this plastic tube costs? Because I'm thinking it's like, what, $2 s. So do you want to guess how much it is this plastic tube? 160?

00:30:58

Speaker 2: Well, that's too much. It's not what it was. $64.64 dollars $64. 2 for a classic tube. And I started laughing. Andi, she said, Well, you know, we have. We have these. You can come and get it. And I thought $64 this and that. So then I call the insurance company and I get this woman on the phone and I said, I'm calling to check about this prescription to see it's been, uh, it needs It needs preapproval. Can you check on that for me? And she's looking And she goes, Well, when was this sent in? Um, was it today? And I said, I don't I could have been today Could have been yesterday and she said, Well, it takes 72 hours to show up in our system, so I'm not even seeing it, E said. I've really because I need to breathe them a pregnant person. I need to breathe. Is there a way to dig it up? And she said, You know, we really can't prioritize this eso No, there's not a way to dig it up. And now I'm just kind of losing it, and my like five year old is in the back seat, and I were always talking about what what you do when you don't get what you want, like a choice of how you behave. And so I'm talking to this woman and I said, I I get I get that This is your job, and I know you can't change it.

00:32:11

Speaker 2: And I want you to go home. And I want you to have a really good night tonight. I want you have a nice dinner. But I need but I need to I need to talk to you about this. I have to ask you a question. Have you ever been pregnant? And she kind of knows it's coming on. She goes, No. And I said, Well, I am 28 weeks pregnant and I am unable to breathe. And this is what you're telling me is I have to wait 72 hours before I can even find out if you will approve the plastic tube that will help deliver the medicine that will help me breathe. And then she said something about the med it. Well, we can't we have toe something about We can't approve the medicine or something. And I said, no, no, you are. You prove the medicine. You gave me the medicine, but I don't have the plastic tube that gets the medicine to my body so that it can breathe.

00:32:57

Speaker 2: And she said, I'm really sorry. I'd like to help. And I said, I I understand. I know that you can't change this, but I just need to say it loud to another human being that this is insane on. Then it start crying and I said, I just can't even talk anymore. And I hung up because I couldn't function. And then the next day, she called me, um and I picked up the phone. It was an unusual number, and I picked it up and she said, You know, is Larissa there? I said, This is And she said, Well, this is Kelsey from whatever insurance company she worked at and she said, We talked yesterday and and I said, Oh, that was you. I'm so sorry. I hope you had a good dinner last night. I just felt I just know how it is when someone crabs at you and it's not, you know, So you felt anyway, um, she said, Well, after we talked, I went and looked up your file and we, um

00:33:50

Speaker 2: we didn't approve it, but I pushed it through. And if you call the pharmacy today, you should be able to get it s so, yeah, it was amazing because she didn't have to do that. And I just said, I'm so grateful you did that. I know. I know. You didn't have to thank you so much for doing that. So now. Okay, so that was Thursday, So I got it. You know, Tuesday night I went to the clinic and then Thursday got the inhaler, and it totally changed my world around. It made the work. May Dean Heller work, and then I could breathe. And it was amazing and eso Now, now I'm just trying to sort out how to thank her. I was trying to figure out Do I do I call her, Do I write her something? And then I just landed on. I was talking to my midwife about it and she said, Oh, you should definitely write it because then she can have it in her file or she can show it to someone. But then I was thinking, I wanna make sure I write it so that I don't make it look like she totally circumvented e broke

00:34:41

Speaker 1: the rules. There's no No, I'm sure she did. I'm sure she she found the loophole that let it happen so that she could, you know, not lose her job or anything over it. But I think there's so much for that human connection.

00:34:52

Speaker 2: Yeah, I just I think it is rare for that to happen, and I'm so grateful that she did that, and I certainly did not expect it, and I actually turned to my son After that, I hung up on that phone call and I was crying on. I said, See, I'm not getting what I want right now, and I can't change it. So I just need to take a breath, accept it on he goes. But it looks like you're crying. Why? I'm crying and that's okay, but it's I still can't change it. But she she called, and that was. I'm just amazed by that,

00:35:21

Speaker 1: you know, it is it is that good etiquette of someone taking their job and the responsibility of their job and not just saying my job ends here, but saying, You know what? There's a way that I can look further into this and help somebody out, and I think that that's exactly the kind of salute that we're looking for.

00:35:41

Speaker 2: And you think about how many times she must get crabbed at

00:35:44

Speaker 1: Oh, my God. So many days and probably to you for keeping your composure and being that, wishing you a good dinner. I love that part, making that human connection, you know, like,

00:35:55

Speaker 2: I hope you had a good dinner And no, I didn't stop thinking about that. I really did hope you had a good dinner the next

00:36:00

Speaker 1: day. I love that part of the story.

00:36:02

Speaker 2: Yeah, I was just imagine her going home and telling her person whoever was there like, Oh, it's such a crappy day as person call. And it was such a rude person, and I just I didn't want her to have that story.

00:36:13

Speaker 1: No. And that's often what I wish people would would think about when it comes to calling up customer service. I mean, we all have our bad days, and sometimes, unfortunately, you take it off out on that person that you can't see. But you're talking Thio, and I think you know, props to you also for not doing that to someone when you really probably had quite a lot of clout to do it.

00:36:34

Speaker 2: Well, I'm just thankful. I'm just so thankful about the whole thing because now I just have a regular cold.

00:36:38

Speaker 1: You can breathe.

00:36:39

Speaker 2: I can't breathe. Baby is

00:36:41

Speaker 1: getting air. And by the way, congratulations on your pregnancy.

00:36:44

Speaker 2: Oh, thank you. Thank you.

00:36:46

Speaker 1: Well, thank you for sharing your story with us and for bringing a little bit of humanity to that. That large insurance and medical complex that can seem so daunting but so important in all of our lives.

00:36:57

Speaker 2: Very happy to do it. Thank you for shining a light on these really

00:37:00

Speaker 1: good people. Thanks, Larissa. Take care. You too. Goodbye.

00:37:06

Speaker 1: Well, now, wasn't that better? Look at the effect of a little politeness. Thank you so much for being with us today. Thanks for listening. You can send your questions, etiquette salutes or suggestions for the show. Tow awesome etiquette at Emily post dot com. We also like praise Anytime you want to send us praise at awesome etiquette at Emily post dot com. We're always happy about that. You can find us on Facebook at the Emily Post Institute page or on Twitter. I'm Daniel. Underscore Post, and I'm Lizzy a post. And you can also reach us by email at awesome etiquette. at Emily post dot com. If you like what you hear, don't forget to subscribe on iTunes and please leave us a review. We love to hear your thoughts. Our theme music was composed and performed by Bob Wagner. Awesome Etiquette is produced in collaboration with Vermont Public Radio.

00:38:13

Speaker 1: This'd is Awesome Etiquette, part of the infinite Guest network from American Public Media. The Infinite Guest Network has all kinds of podcast for you to listen to, including a tiny sense of accomplishment where our guests this week Jess Walter and his friend and author Sherman Alexie, read unpublished stories and talk to all sorts of people about what they're working on. Learn more at infinite guest or gig.